You wouldn’t have to lie to me if you would only let me go…

Kellie flinched at the sound of the door slamming shut.  Another argument and another view of her husband as he stormed out of the house in anger.  They’d always had their ups and downs during their decade long relationship.  Times when they were the poster children for an ideal couple and other times when they didn’t think they’d make it through the night together.  Lately, they’d been experiencing the latter more often than not.

Fighting almost daily and hardly ever having any fun together anymore.  “Our whole relationship is just a habit anymore, AJ… and a bad habit at that…”  That’s what she told him.  That’s why he’d stormed off, yet again leaving her all alone in their huge home.  A home she hadn’t wanted, yet he insisted on telling her that living in LA would be the change that they needed.  She hated living in LA.  The only good thing about it was that living there instead of in Florida meant she was only a short drive away from her best friend Nick who lived in Marina del Rey.  That way when she and AJ fought she had somewhere to go instead of having to settle for a long distance phone call.

Her only other consolation in watching AJ walk out, yet again, was knowing that he was clean and sober.  In the past if he’d gone off after an argument, Kellie had to worry about him falling off of the wagon.  She’d walked on eggshells for years making sure that if he fell off the wagon that she wasn’t the reason for it.  He had fallen too.  He’d been clean for over a year and they’d been on the road to happiness again when he’d slipped and fell hard.  She’d nearly left him for good at that point.  But just like he was addicted to the drugs and alcohol, she was addicted to him.

She stayed by his side through the second round of rehab and he’d proven himself and stayed clean for real that time.  They’d finally gotten married and for a long while they’d been good again.  Happy even.  Then came the trouble getting pregnant and the miscarriages.  Four babies lost in the three years they’d been married, each one breaking their hearts a little more.  They both wanted children desperately but fate had been dealing them one losing hand after another.

At first they’d been supportive of one another.  Grieving together each month when her period showed up in place of a plus sign on a pregnancy test and crying themselves to sleep when another trip to the doctor showed that the baby they’d been so excited over hadn’t made it.  Over time though the periods and the miscarriages only pushed them apart.  He began to blame her for her inability to get pregnant and stay pregnant while she began to hate sex with him.  Sex to her simply meant trying again to make a baby and eventual failure at doing something that she was naturally supposed to be able to do.

When the phone rang that evening it startled her out of her thoughts about her fucked up marriage.  The ringtone told her that it was just who she needed to talk to… it was Nick.  She answered the phone, “Hey…”

“Hey yourself, beautiful… What’s up?”

“Tell me you’re home…” she said with a sigh.  She grabbed her purse and car keys.  Even if Nick wasn’t home from his vacation she wasn’t planning on sitting at home waiting on AJ to come back.  She had her own key to Nick’s place and would have gone there anyway, but if he was going to be there when she got there, it just made things better.

“Yeah I got in this afternoon.  What happened?” Nick asked her, all of the playfulness gone from his voice.

Kellie closed her car door and started the engine then plugged her cell phone into the hands-free gadget that was installed in her expensive car that AJ had bought it for her as a birthday gift the year before.  “I asked him for a divorce.”

“Shit… Where are you?  Where is he?”

“I don’t know where he is.  He stormed off a little while ago.  But I’m just leaving the house.  I’ll be over in a few.”

“Alright.  Just be careful driving okay?”

“I will…” she said and turned her car toward Nick’s house.  “Hey Nicky?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry.  To pull you right back into all of this bullshit right when you’ve just gotten home and should be happy and relaxed.  I swear, one day I won’t be such a fucking basket case…”

“Kel… You’re my best friend, this is my job.  So shut up about it.”

Tears that no longer fell when she fought with her husband filled her eyes at the unsolicited kindness that Nick offered over the phone.  “I’m still sorry…” she nearly whispered as her throat threatened to close up with a sob.

“It’s okay, babe.  Just get here safe, okay?  We’ll deal with everything else when you’re here.”

~~~~~

“I had another miscarriage while you were gone…” Kellie told Nick as they shared a bottle of wine.  They’d been sitting out on Nick’s rooftop deck watching the sun setting over the ocean she sitting on a gliding bench swing slowly swaying back and forth while he sat nearby in his favorite deck chair.  Nick looked at her with wide shocked eyes which then flashed with sadness before turning to disappointment.  “I know you told me to call you if anything was wrong while you were on vacation, but Nicky I was just so out of it.  I didn’t have it in me to call you and tell you that it happened again.  I was so fucking sad and then AJ wasn’t any help at all.  He didn’t even stay with me that night.  He drove me home from the D&C and gave me my pain killers then put me to bed to rest.  When I woke up later that night he’d left.  I found a post-it note stuck to my pill bottle on the side table that said he’d gone out.  He ‘needed to go out.’”

“He went out?  You lost a baby and he went OUT?  What the fuck is wrong with him?”  Nick was clearly upset, as he often was when he spoke to Kellie about her marriage to AJ.  He and AJ may have been friends for over half of their lives, but Kellie had been in Nick’s life before AJ and she therefore had seniority.  He loved AJ, but he’d do anything for Kellie and lately he found himself hoping that she’d want him to kick AJ’s ass for her.

Kellie looked at the fading light through her wine glass.  She only ever drank alcohol anymore when she was with Nick.  She’d gone alcohol free with AJ just to make things easier on him.  But when she was alone with Nick, if she felt like drinking she simply did.  “It took me a week to work up the nerve to actually tell him that I wanted the divorce.  I’ve been thinking about it for a long time, you know…”  She put the wine glass down and wrapped her sweatshirt tighter around her body.  “He came home early that next morning and told me how sorry he was and that he’d been so upset and just didn’t know what to do.  I almost forgave him, but then I got mad.  We went from screaming at each other to crying to talking to screaming all over again.  It’s been a crazy week.  I’m sorry I didn’t call you.”

“So what is he saying about it all now?” Nick asked.

She shrugged, “He’s lying to himself.  He keeps telling me that we can get through this… we just need to work harder on Us.”  Shaking her head she looked at the wedding rings on her hand, “It’s not fixable, Nicky.  He just… we’re not the same people we were.  I love him…”  She looked up at Nick in his chair and she absentmindedly kept the swing she was on moving with her feet, “I love him so much and I always will.  But what we have isn’t a marriage anymore.  He can’t possibly be in love with me anymore.  Not with the way he treats me.  I just think he’s so used to us being together that he’s afraid to do anything else.  I’ve known him forever and I know him inside and out like no one else does.  He’d rather be in a shitty marriage than try to be without me.  And honestly, I understand that.  It scares the shit out of me to think of going back to being just me after having been the Backstreet girlfriend, fiancé, and wife for so long.  Hell, I don’t even know what the hell I’d do if I were on my own.  I don’t have a college education and I haven’t held a real job since I was just out of high school.  I’m a thirty-one year old woman with no work history and no income of my own.  It’s not like I can put on a resume that I’ve spent the last ten years traveling with you guys even though I have done my fair share of work for all of you.  But you know what?  I’d rather go out there and start fresh than stay like this.  I don’t want the pressure of trying to get knocked up every month and going through the physical and emotional pain of losing the babies.”  She looked down at her rings again mostly to avoid Nick’s intense blue gaze that was set on her as she spoke.  “He doesn’t even touch me anymore just because he wants to.  If he touches me it’s about sex and the sex is never about pleasure, it’s about trying to get pregnant again.  I hate it.  I still don’t know why he’s so against adopting, but I don’t even bring it up anymore…”

Kellie’s voice trailed off and Nick was quiet for a long time watching the waves and the boats out on the horizon.  When he finally looked at her again he spoke quietly, “You’ll live here with me.  I don’t give a rat’s ass if it’s weird for him.  At least until you get on your feet you’ll live here.  I’ll be going back out on tour with the guys to promote the new cd in October anyway so you can just be here and take care of the house for me.  And don’t worry about money…”

“Nick I…”

“Don’t.” he said cutting her off.  “I’m not going to let you struggle.  Just acknowledge that I’m going to make certain that you’re okay no matter what.”  Kel nodded and he got up to move and sit with her on the swing.  He took her hand in his, “I think you’re doing the right thing.  You’ve tried so hard for so many years to make this work.  There’s no doubt in my mind that you two love each other but I really think it’s time to let go.  All you do is hurt each other anymore and that’s just not cool.  He’s gotta stop lying to himself and just face it.  It sucks, but I’m going to be right here with you.  No matter what.”

Kellie leaned her head on Nick’s shoulder and pulled her legs up onto the swing letting Nick’s long legs keep them moving.  “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Nicky…”

He squeezed her hand, “You’d have one hell of a therapist bill…”  He laughed and she smiled against his shoulder.  “I love you, you know?”

“I love you back…”  They sat quietly and watched the sun finally fade into the water.  After a while a thought made Kel chuckle, “Maybe once I’m single again you can finally have your fantasy and get in my pants like you’ve always wanted…”

Nick laughed, “Like I’ve always wanted?  Dude, you know that you’re the one who has always secretly wanted me, that’s your fantasy.  You want to ride the Carter Love Train, I know you do…”

Kellie snorted and Nick cracked up never able to avoid laughing when she snorted, “The Carter Love Train?”

“I know…” he laughed.  “It was all I could think of.”

“Nerd…”

“Whatever.  I have to admit though, sex with you could be pretty cool after all of these years.”

“Just pretty cool?”

“Okay… really fucking amazing…”

“Better.”  Kellie smiled and hugged Nick’s arm, “You do realize that you’re the only friend I’d even consider having rebound sex with, right?”

“I better be…” he said with a smile.

“You are…”

“Good.”  Nick thought about how much he was going to love having Kellie live with him even if it meant things between he and AJ would be stressed for a while.  Just knowing that she would be safe in his house made him feel so much better about the whole thing.  He knew she deserved better than she’d had in the past few years with AJ.  “Are you going to ask for the house?”

“Ugh…” Kellie groaned.  “No.  It’s always been too big and just such a pain in my ass. He can keep the house.  I’d rather live by the water anyway, if I can.”

“And you will…” Nick said with a smile. 

“The only room in our house that I’m going to miss is my studio.  I love that room.”

“You can have the space up here for your studio…”  Nick’s house was a tri-level home with the top level being a big open room with all sorts of windows for natural light and of course the walk out rooftop deck.  “I barely use it anyway.  Just as long as you’re cool with me walking through to get out here.”

“It would be a great studio space, but I don’t know, Nicky… You should be using the room for yourself.”

“Yeah maybe, but I don’t… so it’s yours.”

“How about if we split it?  I’ll set up my desk, all of my art shit and stuff on one side, then you get the other half.  It’s certainly a big enough space to share.”

“Deal… So what about the dogs?  Who’ll get custody of the Amazing Fred and Ginger?”

Kellie sighed, “I don’t know.  I’d love to have them, but I know how much he loves the pups.  I’m not planning on fighting him, you know?  I just want to make a clean break and keep it as friendly as we can.”

“That’s cool… I hope he’ll cooperate.”

“Me too… The car’s all mine.  When he bought it he put it in my name so he can’t take that from me.  If anything I’ve got that.  I could even sell it if I needed to.”

“Which you won’t… but yeah, it’s good to know you’ve got that.”

Kellie picked her head up off of Nick’s shoulder and looked at him, “You’re such a pain in the ass.  I’m supposed to be fretting over things and you’re making everything way too easy.”

“That’s what I’m supposed to do,” he told her with a grin.  “You can fret over stuff, just not the money and the living arrangements.”

“You’re actually excited about this… I can see it in your eyes,” she said and smiled shaking her head.

“I’m not excited that your marriage is coming to an end…” he said and then shrugged, “But yeah I’m excited to have you here.  I spend so much time worrying about you, but when you’re living here I’ll know you’re okay.  Plus it’ll be fun having you around.”

“Yeah except you’re leaving me…” she teased.  “Just when I need you the most you’ll be going off to be Nick Backstreet and you’ll have your groupies to keep you company while I’m here being your house sitter.”

“Exactly!” he said and then laughed when she smacked him playfully in the chest.  “I won’t be gone too much.  A couple of weeks overseas, then we’ll be back here for a while until the cd drops, then another two weeks on the road in the States.  After that the tour rehearsals begin and that’ll be here so I’ll be here.”

“Yeah…”

“Hey…” Nick said and made Kellie look at him.  “It’s going to be okay.  I promise.  By the time the tour starts after the new year you’ll be so sick of me you’ll be glad to have me gone.”  She nodded but he knew she didn’t mean it.  He pulled her into a hug, “We’ll figure out something… You’ll come and visit me on the tour too.  Even if we have to keep you and AJ apart…  Plus think about how much time you can spend with Kevin, Kristin and Mason.  Instead of AJ always giving you that look when you’re around Mason you can just enjoy being Aunt Kellie.  And Aaron’s around too… you’ll be sick of him before you even get moved in fully…” Nick laughed and Kellie smiled slightly against his chest.  “You’re going to be surrounded by so much love…”

She started to cry then.  Not a full out sobbing or anything, just steady tears and a huge lump in her throat.  She knew that divorce was the only thing left for her and AJ.  She knew they’d never be a happy couple again, she just hoped with all of her heart that somehow one day they’d be able to be friends again.  Not just because she loved him so much, but also for the sake of all of their mutual friends and family.  The thought of friends having to choose sides between her and AJ broke her heart and made her cry even harder.  She kept telling herself that she was making the right decision and yet it was so frightening.  She was scared out of her mind at the thought of what her future would hold.  Knowing that Nick would be there was helpful.  Really helpful, actually.  She felt like she didn’t deserve his love, but she knew it was just her fear talking nonsense.

Nick didn’t try and make her talk after that. He knew she needed some time to just be quiet and cry with a large helping of cuddling.  He would have done anything she asked him to do right then, and holding her while she cried was pretty darn easy.  He wondered where AJ was right then.  Was AJ with a friend too?  Was he distraught?  Did he have any clue what he was about to lose?  So many questions, but no immediate answers.  He felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket and pulled it out to look at the caller ID.  Speak of the devil.  “It’s him…” he said quietly to Kellie.  She picked her head up and wiped her face with her sweatshirt sleeves.  “What do you want me to do?”

“You can answer it… if you want to.  Just… I don’t want to talk to him yet.”

Nick nodded and answered the phone, “Hey…”

AJ’s voice was thick with sadness, “Hey.  So I’m sure you’ve talked to her by now… I just wanted to make sure she’s okay.  I said some pretty shitty things to her and…”  Nick could hear AJ take a drag of his cigarette over the phone, “Did she call you?  She’s probably at your house, huh?”

“Yeah… I got back from my trip earlier today, I’m here too.”

“That’s good.  She’s… that’s good.  I wouldn’t have wanted her to be all alone, even if she was at your place.”

“Yeah… Um…”  Nick didn’t know what to say.  He was pissed off at AJ, and yet he was still one of his best friends.  Just listening to the pain in AJ’s voice pulled at Nick’s heart.  “Are you okay?”

AJ sounded genuinely surprised, “Yeah… I mean, this sucks.  It sucks so much.  But I’m okay.  I’m not out drinking or anything stupid.  I’m actually over at Kev’s.  He’s watching me like a hawk…”

“I bet… Kev’s good at that…” Nick said and nodded.  He looked at Kellie and saw the relief on her face when she made the connection that AJ was with Kevin, knowing just like Nick did that if AJ was with Kevin everything was okay for the moment at least.  She stood up and walked over to the edge of the deck and looked out over the railing. 

“So she’s alright?  I mean, considering everything,” AJ asked again. 

It helped Nick to hear that AJ was so concerned about Kellie.  Maybe he wasn’t a heartless bastard after all, “Yeah, man… she’s… okay.  We’re just sort of hanging out.”

“Cool…” AJ sighed.  “Can you just let her know that when she’s ready to talk she can call me?  And I’m going to stay here at Kev’s tonight so if she wanted to go home I won’t be there and she doesn’t have to worry about me coming home and being an asshole again.  Although I guess she’ll probably stay with you since you’re home though so… God, I don’t even know what I’m saying… Just let her know that I… I…”

“AJ?” Nick interrupted gently.  “I’ll take care of her… I promise.”

Another sigh came through the phone from AJ’s end, “Thanks.  She really needs you… I’m glad you’re home.”

“Yeah me too.  I’m sure she’ll call you soon.  Maybe tomorrow?  Just hang in there okay?”

“I’m trying, man…”

“I know…” Nick said and nodded again despite the fact that no one was looking at him and could see the gesture.  He watched Kellie from behind and wondered what was going through her mind as she looked out over the water.  “So I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”

“Alright.  Thanks, Nicky.”

After hanging up Nick moved to Kellie and stood behind her wrapping his arms around her.  He leaned his head against hers and she relaxed against him.  She was crying again and it broke his heart to see her so sad.  “He’s okay.  He’s staying at Kevin’s tonight so he’ll be fine.” 

Kellie nodded and turned to face Nick for a normal hug.  She wrapped herself up in his embrace and closed her eyes trying not too think to hard about anything.  The thought of AJ all upset at Kevin’s made her want to get into her car and go over to him.  To take away his pain like she’d done for so many years.  If she could concentrate on just being there with Nick though she knew she could avoid making the mistake of going back to AJ for a temporary fix.  She had to see this through.  She needed to change her life if she wanted to ever be happy again.  She needed Nick to keep her strong.  “Don’t let me go over there…” she finally whispered.  “Don’t let the idea of AJ all sad and brokenhearted make me forget what I’ve been through with him.”

Nick kissed her forehead, “I won’t…”

“Tell me I’m doing the right thing, Nicky…” she pleaded with new tears in her eyes as she looked up at him.

He held her face in his hands, “You are.  It’s going to hurt, but it’s right and eventually you’ll see it so clearly you’ll wonder why you ever doubted it.”

“I can’t do this without you…”

“You won’t have to.  Like I said before, I’m here for the duration.”

She bit her lip and her tears finally spilled over, “This is really it, isn’t it?  Me and AJ… we’re done.”

Nick nodded as he pulled her into another tight hug, “Yeah, it’s done.”

The End.