After speaking to Brian, Noelle spent a long time lying in bed staring up at the ceiling. She could still smell the scent of Brian on the side of the bed that was designated as his. It was the perfect mixture of shampoo and cologne and pheromones. If Noelle closed her eyes she could pretend that he was still lying next to her, though the façade wouldn’t last for long; there was an unbelievable emptiness that hung over the room.

There had been so much love there hours before. They’d arrived in New York at the beginning of the week and they had finally had time to properly catch up and be together. Then, Leighanne showed up and the two woman fought over a man that deep inside Noelle knew wasn’t completely hers. But at that moment, Brian had chosen. He’d chosen Noelle. He’d left with Noelle and he’d sent Leighanne home. Little did either Brian or Noelle know that it might have been the last time that anyone saw her breathing.

Suddenly, everything had changed. She didn’t want to be the root of anyone’s pain that ran as deeply as Leighanne’s. If Brian meant that much to Leighanne that she thought that she couldn’t live without him, maybe Noelle didn’t really know the depth of their love at all.

She hated to think it, but she was starting to wonder if she needed to take herself out of the race. The thought brought an unbelievable pain to her heart. Her chest tightened and her lungs clenched, torn between breathing regularly and giving into the tears.

 She loved Brian more than she’d ever loved anyone, but there was so much against them. Noelle was still dealing with the aftermath of her first affair and now, there was a woman out there who loved Brian so much and wanted to fight for him so badly that if she didn’t have him in her life, she didn’t want to live.

That was something Noelle could never compete with. It was something she didn’t want to compete with.

Inside, Noelle knew that Leighanne’s love bordered on obsession and wasn’t healthy for anyone, but she didn’t want to be the one to point that out. She didn’t want to be the one to state the obvious and she certainly didn’t want to be a part of an equation that was so obviously unfinished.

Part of Noelle told her that Brian was worth fighting for; he was one of the ones that you don’t walk away from. There was another voice, though. It was a voice of reason that was telling her that just because they parted ways now that didn’t mean that it had to be forever.

Though Noelle didn’t want to pull the trigger, it was becoming clearer and clearer still. Both she and Brian had so much of their own lives to sort out that being together was starting to become nearly impossible.

Finally, Noelle got up and began to pack both her and Brian’s clothes into their suitcases. The tour was disbanding and Noelle was going to be heading back to Florida later that evening.

Aside from things with Brian, Noelle was sad by the sudden end of the tour. She’d grown close to the other guys and to their manager, Jen. They all lived in California and she knew that it would be a long time before she would see them again.

Noelle put off packing her own clothes and decided to start with Brian’s. He already wasn’t there so it was easy to pretend that she was just packing to send her boyfriend away for a short time. That was so much easier than dealing with the truth.

She picked up his t-shirt and brought it to her nose. Like she had done while lying in bed moments earlier, she inhaled his scent wanting to memorize the smell. Silent tears began to run down her cheeks. She folded Brian’s clothes carefully and placed them neatly into his suitcase as the hiccupping sobs escaped her throat. When she got to the last t-shirt in the pile, she couldn’t bring herself to put it among the others.

It was the t-shirt that he’d worn the night that they met and then again on their first memorable date at the ice skating rink in Canada. He probably didn’t even notice that it was the same shirt, but Noelle did.

When she walked into the bar on that first night, she couldn’t help but to notice the gorgeous man sitting at the bar alone.

He was wearing a bright green shirt with thick darker green stripes. Before she could stop herself, Noelle walked over to this sad-looking man and started a conversation and the rest was history. Later, the new couple went ice skating and the magazines ran pictures of Brian and Noelle kissing passionately on the ice. Brian was below Noelle. He had on a hunter green stocking cap to match the darker green in his shirt. In the pictures, their hands were intertwined above Noelle’s head and Brian was smiling down at her. Despite the circumstances, it was one of her favorite pictures of the two of them because it was such a candid, real moment.

Quickly, as to not give herself the opportunity to change her mind, Noelle took that green shirt and stuffed it into the side pocket of her own suitcase. She wanted to keep it; she wanted to hold onto those memories.

Moments later, there was a light tapping on the hotel room door. Noelle quickly wiped her cheeks and made her way to the source of the knocking. She looked through the peephole and saw AJ standing in the hallway with his bags. She wiped her eyes again, rubbing her hands over her face roughly, and let her brother in.

“Hey,” Noelle said, softly. She turned and walked back toward the bedroom area where she had been packing so that AJ didn’t get a whole lot of time to take in the sadness that was written across her face.

“Hey yourself,” AJ replied, following her through the suite back into the bedroom. He set his bags down and sat on the bed opposite of where Noelle was packing. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Noelle replied, though it was obvious that she was lying.

“Do you know what’s going on?” AJ asked. He was watching Noelle intently for her reaction. He had spoken to Brian briefly earlier, but he didn’t know how much Noelle knew, and he certainly wasn’t going to be the one to tell her.

Noelle sighed and shook her head before answering, “You’ll have to talk to Brian about it, Alex.”

“I already did,” AJ replied.

“Then what the hell are you asking me for?” Noelle snapped. She knew that she shouldn’t be yelling at him, but it had turned into an emotional day.

“Whoa,” AJ answered, throwing his hands up in front of him in defense. “I didn’t know how much you knew. I was just testing the waters.”

“Well, the waters are very cold.”

Out of frustration, Noelle started to throw things into the suitcase without even folding them. In the next moment, she emptied the suitcase and started over.

“Okay, Noah,” AJ finally spoke up, using the shortened version of her name that only he called her. “Tell me what’s going on with you. Is Brian being a jerk suddenly?”

Noelle shook her head. “Quite the opposite actually.”

“Then what?” AJ prodded.

“How can you even seriously ask me that?” Noelle snapped again. “Brian’s wife tried to kill herself and in an instant everything changed. Everyone was right about us. It took one brief moment in time to realize that everything that I thought was real might not be.”

“Noelle,” AJ started slowly, trying to choose his words carefully. “Brian loves you.”

“But?” Noelle continued his sentence, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“But nothing,” AJ sighed. “That’s it. Brian loves you.”

“Fine, I’ll finish your thought for you,” Noelle said dryly. “Brian loves me, but it doesn’t matter because it’s the wrong time. Two paths on a snowy night and all that.”

“Nothing that I could say would matter right now, Noelle,” AJ replied to her histrionics. “You know what’s right. I just think that you need to understand that it is real. Brian does love you, but maybe, just maybe, you both have your own shit to work out first.”

“That’s exactly what I’ve been wrestling with all night.” Noelle stopped packing and sat on the bed opposite AJ. “Why now? Why couldn’t things just stay good?”

“Things were hardly ever good,” AJ replied, carefully. “I mean, you love each other, yeah, but it was always one thing after another. It was Leighanne and the press, and you said that you’d run into that professor of yours and got into a stupid fight over that. There’s always this push and pull with you and Brian, but only you know what’s right. You and Brian have to decide where to go from here.”

“Is there no place I can go to escape the pain that I will forever know?” Noelle recited a line from a song that she shouldn’t even know.

AJ thought for a second, then cracked a smile. “Are you quoting Backstreet Boys’ songs now?”

Noelle smiled back. “Just Brian’s.”

“Did you steal someone’s VHS tape or did you YouTube it?” AJ teased. When Noelle didn’t answer, he continued on, “You YouTubed it didn’t you? You YouTubed your boyfriend!”

Noelle laughed as she zipped her suitcase. “Shut up, Alex. Don’t you have a plane to catch or something?”

Noelle nodded at his packed bags and AJ laughed again. “Yes, but I have to know. Did you Youtube me too? What did you find?”

Noelle rolled her eyes. “For your information, I didn’t sit here YouTubing Brian all night, okay? When I was back home in Gainesville, I went over to Emily’s after telling her that Brian and I were dating, and she had a whole trunk full of old Backstreet memorabilia. So yes, I watched the tape and I happened to love Brian’s little solo part. I fast-forwarded through yours. I didn’t want to hear about you telling some groupie to ‘Lay Down Beside You’. I don’t know how you got anyone in bed with that mop of red curls on your head.”

“Okay, okay,” AJ laughed. “We don’t have to go back to all of my hair mistakes.”

“…which are probably the very reason that you’re losing all of your hair now,” Noelle quipped again.

AJ playfully glared at her and then stood up. “That’s it. I’m leaving.”

Noelle laughed and walked over to AJ. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. “I’m going to miss you.”

AJ smiled and hugged his sister back just as tightly. “I’m going to miss you too, but I’ll see you soon. I’ll make sure I visit more often. Or you know there’s a great school right around the corner from where I live.”

Noelle pulled away and sighed softly. She tried to smile, but couldn’t really make it into more than a smirk. Going to school in LA was one of those things that she and Brian had considered as a part of their plan. Now, that seemed like a fading memory.

“We’re both already talking like it’s over.”

“Isn’t it?” AJ asked with raised eyebrows.

Noelle could feel the tears beginning to pool in the corners of her eyes, and she looked away. “Brian and I should probably talk.”

“Probably so. Cut the guy a break though, Noelle. Don’t make him feel guilty or—”

Noelle scoffed. “I’m not a monster, Alex. He’s going through a lot. I just think that I need to step aside for a little while, and I’m not sure that he’d disagree.”

“You’re doing the right thing—for you and for Brian,” AJ assured her as he pulled her back into his arms.

“That doesn’t make it any easier,” Noelle whispered. Her heart honestly wouldn’t let her believe that it was real. Where was the guy whose arms had been wrapped around her the night before? Where had that relationship gone? It wasn’t simple, but it was simpler than this.

AJ kissed Noelle’s forehead and pulled away. “I need to go if I’m going to catch my flight. Are you okay? I can rebook or –”

Noelle shook her head. “No, I’m going to be right behind you. Thank you though. I’ll call you when I get home.”

After a final goodbye, AJ grabbed his bags and left Noelle to do what she needed to do. He hated to leave her when he knew that she was so torn up inside, but he was proud of her. Goodbyes are never easy, especially when you’re deciding to walk away from someone that you love so much, but both Brian and Noelle had so much baggage that it was hard for them in the beginning. AJ knew that if they waited and took care of their respective business, they might actually have a chance at their relationship working. If they tried to continue the way that things were headed, they were going to self-destruct. 

They would both be better off for now, but AJ truly hoped that someday things would be different for both of them so that they could finally be happy. Even he was starting to believe that they belonged together.

***

Noelle finished packing, got dressed and had plenty of time before her car service to the airport arrived to make the call that she was dreading.

As the phone rang, Noelle partially hoped that he didn’t pick up. She would be able to take that as a sign that she just needed to go home and think things through a little bit more. Instead, Brian picked up after a couple of rings.

“Hey Noelle,” Brian answered. He sounded like he was a million miles away.

“Hey,” Noelle replied back simply. “How are things?”

“The same,” Brian said with a sigh. “They’re always the same. Are you still in New York?”

“Yeah,” Noelle said slowly. “I’m getting ready to catch a flight back home.”

“Florida?” Brian asked shortly. He sounded so tired. Noelle just wanted to pull him into her arms and not let him go.

“Back to Florida, yeah.”

There was a brief pause in conversation. They both knew that she had a layover in Atlanta, but neither wanted to mention it.

“Brian, we should probably—”

“Talk,” Brian finished. “Yeah, we should talk.”

“Do you want to meet me at the airport?” Noelle offered.

“How long is your layover?”

“A couple of hours. I should land around 9 tonight,” Noelle answered. She listened as Brian expelled a huge, shaky sigh. She cut in before Brian could answer. “Listen, Brian. We don’t have to. I mean—”

Noelle trailed off, unable to finish the thought. Really, she didn’t know what she was going to say.

Brian cleared his throat and tried to regain his composure. In the abandoned area of the hallway that he had claimed as his own, his heart was breaking as he realized that he and Noelle were on the same page. They both knew what was coming, and he hated it; he hated it with everything inside of him.

Brian clenched his eyes shut and wrapped a hand in his hair. “I’ll see you in a couple hours.”