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Author's Chapter Notes:

This story seems a little off topic from the rest but it's kind of something i've been wanting to explore for awhile now. Hope you enjoy!

 

Thoughts from the English Countryside

 

Howie

 

 

Before we flew out here to London, we heard that the weather was going to be horrible. Even though it was summer, it felt more like fall because of the constant rain they had for weeks prior to our arrival. I made sure I packed for the occasion. I had mostly long sleeve shirts, jeans and even a jacket.  Of course once we got here, summer magically appeared. I ended up having to go to a store and buy a bunch of tee shirts and a few pairs of shorts. It never fails! I should really just start doing that from now on. No more packing, instead just buy what I need when I get where I’m going. 

So, as I was sitting outside in one of my brand new white tee shirts with a flannel thrown over it, I was content. We couldn’t have asked for a better night after such a lovely dinner. I am completely stuffed! I ate entirely too much food. Everything they put out was amazing!

After overindulging I excused myself and went for a walk along the grounds. The place we were invited to was huge and extremely beautiful. It defined what everyone probably pictures in their minds when they think of what the English countryside looks like. I could see myself coming here to live one day. Maybe open up a hotel or a bed and breakfast up the road. I bet I would make really good money if I opened up one of those. I’d have to pass the idea along to Johnny. 

Today was a great day overall, it’s the first time since we’ve been here it actually felt like a vacation day. We decided as a group not to talk about anything having to do with the album while we were here enjoying ourselves. So far, we had all kept to that promise. Over dinner we talked about our families and politics and of course the Olympics which we quickly figured out were the hottest topic of conversation around. These Brits were really proud of hosting the games.

Honestly, I’m not a huge fan of the Olympics. I enjoy the hoopla that is the opening ceremony but aside from knowing who some of the key athletes were, like your Michael Phelps and your other swimmers who aren’t Michael Phelps, I really could care less. But still…go Team USA!

After dinner we all kind of dispersed and went our own separate ways. Some people staying behind to talk more extensively about the state of American politics, yes Kevin was in on that one. Others just to roam aimlessly around, that was pretty much what I was doing.  AJ and Brian went off together to see the golf course the grounds had to offer. Yes, this place even had its own golf course.  And Nick was sitting on a chair in the middle of an open field surrounded by trees. I know this because I saw him as I was coming back from my little trek.

He looked deep in thought as he had his camera slung around his neck like a mini Kevin. God he would hate it if he knew I referred to him as a mini Kevin. It was the truth though; he really had turned into Kevin. Seeing them back together, you could really catch the similarities. I remember the days when Kev would constantly be filming every little thing we said or did like it was yesterday…probably because it was yesterday. The only difference between Kevin then and Kevin now is instead of using a video camera; he’s using a regular camera.

When he saw me coming he smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. I had a feeling he was hoping I’d just wave and walk past him and I probably would have granted that wish but my pot roast baby growing in my stomach had other ideas so I plopped down beside him and let out a proper English belch.  At least that’s the only part of me that exploded, I consider that a blessing!

“Excuse me!” I said quietly.

“I just farted a second ago.” And there was a typical Nick greeting.

“Glad I missed that.” And I was… hope the wind is blowing the other way.

I noticed he had something in his hand. It looked like a necklace but it was hard to tell. Maybe he had bought it for Lauren. Upon closer inspection, I realized exactly what it was and my heart sunk a little bit. When he saw me notice, he placed it back into his pocket.

“It’s been six months already.”

I nodded at him, but wasn’t exactly sure what to say. When news came that Leslie died, it took me by surprise. I was really upset about it, which is weird because out of the entire Carter clan, I think I knew her the least. I actually cried when Leigh told me about it. We were on a break at that time so I called Nick that night. He never called me back. I tried calling him about ten times throughout the course of a week and after not hearing from him, finally decided to give up and wait until I saw him in person.

When we all got back together, I walked over to him and gave him a huge hug, telling him how sorry I was and to let me know if there was anything I could do. He acted like he had no idea what I was talking about, almost hoping I didn’t know or something.  He gave me a ‘thanks man, but I’m okay!’ and that was it.

We all deal with grief in our own ways. When my sister died, I was a wreck. There were days I could barely get myself out of bed. I felt so guilty for not being able to see her before she died. I still do, after all this time. When my father died, I was actually a lot better. It probably was because we knew it was coming. We had plenty of time to prepare ourselves for the day it happened, but even then I was devastated. I can only imagine what it’s like to lose a younger sister as suddenly as Nick lost his. Plus, it’s not like his family was the most supportive. After it happened that’s the main thought that ran through my mind. I hoped he was leaning on someone, thanking God that he had Lauren after finding out he had also blown off AJ and Brian as well.

Whenever any of us tried to talk about it, bring her up or see how he was feeling, he’d walk away saying simply, “It is what it is.”

The other night, when we were supposed to go to Perez Hilton’s party I caught Nick staring at the same necklace he was just looking at now. We were going to go for pizza all five of us and then Brian and Kevin were going to go have some quality time together while AJ, Nick and I were supposed to go to the party. When he saw me, he quickly wiped some tears from his eyes and tried to walk away.

“Nicky, what’s wrong?” I had asked, but he only shook his head.

“I think I just want to stay here and work tonight, if that’s okay with you.”

“Nicky?” I was concerned, thinking that something had happened at home but as I got closer I got a good look at that necklace and it was an opened locket and inside was Leslie’s picture. I placed my hand on his shoulder but he brushed it away.

“I really would love to crack down on some of my ideas.” He closed the locket and put it in his pocket, acting like what just happened was a figment of my imagination.

“Uh…sure, it is no problem buddy…you know you can talk to me if…”

“Thanks D, I’m good.” He smiled at me and then walked away.

We all dealt with grief differently and Nick’s way was simply to not deal with it at all.

So, watching him struggling with his emotions now had me at a loss for words.

“I can’t believe it’s already been that long. Does it ever get any easier?”  He didn’t look at me and instead chose to look at his feet. This is the most he’s ever spoken about her death since it’s happened, at least to me.

“Eventually, but it takes a long time.” I placed my hand on his shoulder and this time he didn’t push me away.

“It just…I don’t know man…it hits me at the weirdest times. I’ll be just watching TV or listening to a song or like now, just looking at the view and suddenly it’s like I’m finding out for the first time all over again. Is that normal?”

“There’s no such thing as normal when it comes to this stuff. I wish there was a rule book or something, it would make life easier.”

He let out the smallest laugh and nodded, “It just sucks, ya know? The whole thing just sucks.”

“I know.”

“I was going to bury that locket somewhere on the grounds because Leslie loved it here in England. She’s been a few times and told me it was one of her favorite places. She said when she was old she’d end up retiring here.”

He took a deep breath and pulled out the locket. “She gave me this thing the very first time I left to go on tour with you guys. She must have been about 7 or 8 maybe?” He opened the locket to the picture I had seen the other day, a very young, smiley Leslie who was missing a few teeth.

“After she gave it to me, I lost it. I don’t mean lost it like crying my eyes out because I’d miss her or anything, I mean I lost it as in really lost it. It dropped somewhere and I thought I’d never find it again.”

He laughed and so did I because it was very Nick to lose something so quickly.

“I had forgotten it even existed up until I started packing for this trip. Turns out it was in the bag I brought with me. Isn’t that crazy? I haven’t used this bag in such a long time. Lauren was making fun of me when she saw I chose that bag over some of our newer ones. I just knew I didn’t want to bring something big and that one had an old vintage quality to it. It’s almost like Leslie wanted me to bring it, you know?”

“Maybe she did.” I shrugged at him.

“We didn’t have a very good relationship towards the end, hell we never had a really good relationship…I wish we did.”

I placed my hand on his back and gently rubbed as he continued, “I wasn’t a very good brother to her.” He said as his voice started to crack.

I suddenly felt myself get emotional as well. Grief was contagious, especially around those you most love. “You were a great brother to her. You’re a great brother to all of them.”

He nodded and quickly composed himself taking a few deep breaths and once again wiping away a stray tear or two. “Well…life goes on I guess.”

“It does.”

“Anyway, I was going to bury it over there…” He pointed to the trees a little of in the distance, “But I couldn’t do it. I decided I wasn’t ready yet. I would rather have her closer to me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that, Nicky. I bet she’d rather you keep her close as well.”

He finally looked over at me and smiled, “Thanks, Howie.”

I pulled him close into a hug, “I didn’t do anything, but you’re welcome!”

“Am I breaking up a moment? It seems like the two of you are having a moment.” Kevin had one eyebrow raised with his camera slung around his neck.  

Nick stood up, “Yeah, thanks a lot for ruining it Kev…Jeez!” He playfully rolled his eyes.

“Did you do it?” He asked Nick very seriously.

Nick shook his head, “I couldn’t. Too soon I guess.”

That’s when I realized Kevin knew about the Leslie thing all along. Maybe Kevin was the one he had leaned on when it all went down. Part of me felt a little slighted, but then most of me never really expected anything less.

Kevin placed his hand on Nick’s shoulder, “It’s okay, but are you okay?” He moved his other hand onto Nick’s other shoulder as if they were going to huddle staring intently into his eyes, trying to get a read on our baby brother’s emotions.

“I will be, someday…right D?” He glanced over at me, squinting because of the bright sun in the sky.

 I thought about myself, my sister and my father. How long it actually took to get over things, how hard it is to STILL think about it.

“Yes, Nicky.”

Kevin looked over at me and winked as he allowed his arms drop back to his side, “And we’re here for you every step of the way, okay little man?”

Nick nodded at Kevin and rolled his eyes. He loved to hate that nickname but it would forever stick, even when he was 60 he’d be ‘little man’ and of course ‘Nicky’

I stood up with a groan and a rub of my stomach, making both of the guys laugh. “Are you okay Howie?” Nick asked in a teasing way as Kevin took the chair I just vacated.

I stood next to Nick and glanced over at the beautiful hills and valleys surrounding us.

“How could I not be?”

“Yeah…” He agreed and then he farted.

Nice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

Next up will be a lighter story about the cake lol As always, thanks for all the comments and feedback. It's really helped :O)