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«Nick, do you remember when we first moved here? We didn't have any bed or couch or anything else. We just took a mattress, placed it in front of the fireplace and that's how we spent that first night in our new home. This time, however, I didn't have the energy to go upstair so I just laid and slept here, on the floor. Slept, what an euphemism! I'm not like Howie, who can actually sleep anywhere and anyway he wants.
I couldn't sleep. My eyes would fall on something, anything and anywhere, and it made me think of you. It reminded me about you. I think... I think I've made a little bit of confusion but I don't believe you would give a damn about it, right?
Yesterday. Yesterday I've lost it. I think I've reached the bottom and as I stood there, in the middle of broken things just like my heart, I've realized that I couldn't go on like that. I can't go on like this. You've always said that one thing you loved more in me was my stregth, how I've always seemed to stand back again after a storm. So I told myself that I couldn't let you down, like I could imagine you up there, sitting on your cloud and looking down at me with a sort of television, all angry at how I was behaving.
At least I've to try, right? That's what I've told myself. I've to try. I owe it to you, Nick. To myself. To Kevin and I'm sure that he really believes that he would find my corpse next time he comes to visit me.
I have to start somehow, right? And that's what I did.
I woke up and the first thing that I did was opening the curtains. Let the light in where there has been darkness. It shouldn't be that hard and difficutl, right? And it hasn't been because today was such a beautiful day for being already November. Sun was shining bright in a unusual light blu sky. And do you know what was the strangest thing? I didn't feel anything. I felt nothing. I didn't feel the sunrays above my face and neither their warmth. Nothing. Not even the cold. I watched the air condensing with every breath but there wasn't any traces of that ice on my hands or on my face. Nothing. Just like I didn't take notice of the pieces of broken glass piercing through my skin. I've only noticed it when I found myself staing at red blood.
What's happening to me, Nick? Why does it seem like I can't exist without you? Nevertheless I'm trying. Slowly. One step at time. But it feels wrong. Move on feels so wrong, like I'm supposed to forget everything that we used to have and everything we wanted for our future. - A hand wiped away the lonely tear that slipped along with those words. - I've cleaned. And I remember how you used to understand my mood based on how much I was cleaning. If I was like a maniac, you knew it was time to break me and put me back again.
Nick. I'm broke now. I'm shattered. I can see fragments all scattered around me, reflections of the person I was thanks to you. But you aren't here to put it back together. And I fear... i fear they're lost forever.»