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«It's strange, do you know? It's strange how everything seems to lose importance once you decide that's it's time to go. It is as if someone had put an invisible veil upon my eyes, tearing away that patina of apathy and heartache wrapped around me in the last days. In the last weeks.
A month.
It's been a month, Nick.
I've noticed it today and, for a moment, I couldn't catch my breath,
Thirty-one days since I've last seen you. Thirty-one days since I can't breathe and live without you.
I've started walking. There are moments when being in that home becomes too much. Everywhere I turn there is something that reminds of you and me. Yesterday, for example, I've found our diary. I know that you didn't forget about it, you used to make fun of me about it even though that you couldn't keep it away from you. Remember? You used to read it at night, I would found you in one of the room lost inside it. I... I'd hugged you from behind, laying my head upon your shoulder and read it with you. Both of us were so lost inside that future that was going to shine so brightly.
I want that future back, Nick.
I want those plans, those desiders and wishes back.
Kevin has been here, you know? Of course you know, you probably have a tv channel only to watch me and what happens down here. Kevin just wanted to apologize and explain why he did it. I understood. I understand, I know that they're trying to do their best just to help me. I can't blame me. I totally get his point of view, I would act the same if I was in his shoes. I'd be scared for myself and I can't blame them. But...
They dont understand me. They can't see my point. You can't understand something until you try walking in my shoes and you do realize that there is nothing, even the smallest word, that can actually bring a little bit of comfort. They can't bring you back, can they?
It's not fair, though. I don't want to hurt them more than they already are. So I smile. I smile and try to make their worries disappear. I let them think that I'm starting to raise up again, I let them believe that I've finally got my head around it and that I'm starting to regain my life back.
I smile.
It's like a pass.
I smile and they feel safer in leaving me all alone.
I smile and, even though I leave all my food in the dishes, I'm welcomed with a smile back in return.
I smile and they seem to think that I'm agreing with everything they're discussing, about plans and concerts. I smile and I don't tell them I haven't sung a single note since that night.
You wouldn't be fooled. You could tell when my smiles were fake, when they were only a mask used so people wouldn't worry about me. That was one of the many reasons why I loved, I love you so much. That was one of the reasons why we were so perfect for each other. There weren't secrets between us, we knew each other so weel to recognize when it was time to be left alone and when, instead, it was time to push to be heard. There isn't and there will never be someone who will know and love me just like you did.
And...
And I still love like it's the first day.»