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Bri,
I feel kind of stupid writing you this letter but I have all of these words and sentences in my head and you know that, if I don't immediately write down somewhere, I'll end up going crazy. More than normal, at least.
It sounds like a bad clichè from a horrible comedy but... if you are reading this letter, it means that I've left you. Not intentionally, I'm not that mad!
If you are reading this letter, it means that I'm not there anymore and that I can't be by your side. And just this thought feels like someone has just stabbed me and tried to rip open my heart. Everything, I'd bear anything but not knowing that somehow I'm responsable for your pain and suffering.
You've always said that death wasn't something definitive but just a coming back to that home we left to live here on earth. But I know that, right now, your own words wouldn't be much comforting or helping. If I could, you know that I'd be back in a heartbeat. But even I can't fight back death.
I don't know how it will happen. I'm here writing these words and I wonder what could happen. I don't know when it will be, I don't know if I'm going to die accidentally or for a illness.
But whether is for one or another, I just want you to know that I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for the pain that is going to keep you captived for so long. I'm sorry for not being there by your side and make sure you're going to be alright.
I'm so sorry because I already know you're going to think that you've got nothing to live for without me and I hope that Kevin will take care you! 'Cause if I'd ever meet you here in heaven, if there is where they're going to send me, I swear I'll be an annoying angel and I'll harass him for the rest of his life!
There. I want you to smile. I want you to laugh, I want to see those eyes brighter thanks to the most beatiful smile I ever see in my life. I know you're gonna make it, I know you're going to read these words and you are going to start feeling the first bubble of laughter between the tears.
That's my goal.
There are so many things I want to say.
But, maybe, it's enough just to say the most important thing: I love you.
Always. Anyhow. Anywhere.
I'm in debt with you, you know? You've made me the happiest man in the world that so faraway day when you've let me kiss you. You've made me a man. You've taken my hand and taught me how to love. Most of all, you taught me how to love you and that's the most important lesson I've kept with me until my last breath. I know it's still to soon for asking you something so I'm gonna leave this for a future letter.
Now. Now I just want to soothe a little bit of that pain that is consuming you. Though I know you are already standing back because you're the strongest person I've ever met in my life. You break down, just like any other human being, but you never let it stop you. It's what I've always loved more about you, it's the one thing I've tried to learn while being there and loving you.
It's not a coincidence that you have found this letter in the kitchen. I know you and I already know that you've become all bones. But you can't put together your life back with an empty stomach. You need energies. That was what always happened and I had to learn to ccok if I wanted to take care of you. But now I'm not there so I've to fix it somehow.
In this case, in any case, the best medicine and cure is chocolate. Make good use with it and don't feel too guilty. Doctor Carter's orders!
Now, second step. Go to our room. I don't know how many times you've managed to get into: knowing you, only when it was strictly necessary. Maybe not even in those cases. Don't be afraid. Memories are going to be your most powerful defense against my absence. Don't see them as a mocking of what we would never going to have, it's always better to have regrets about what you had instead than what you hadn't.
Look into our closet. In a corner in the back, under that jacket you've always wanted me to get rid of, there is a suitcase. Take it and open it. You will find tapes and dvds. And, I think, even that sweater you've always loved.
Got everything? Right, then put on the sweater and start watching the first tape. Let memories wrap themselves around you. Live again our first meeting, those horrible pictures when we were so young and with those horrible hairstyles. Remember how we fell in love, remember every little and small detail and don't be ashamed to cry. Get everything out of your system so there is going to be much more space to fill with only good and positive things and emotions.
You are the one who told me that, remember?
The first step to build again something is not to forget about what was there before. Keep close what is precious and get rid of everything that isn't useful. In this case, my Frick, get rid of the pain of my absence.
Will you do this for me?
I've gotta go. I hear your footsteps on the stairs and I don't want to explain you why I'm crying while writing. Because... damn, Brian, I'm going to miss you so bad. Wherever I might end up be, I'm so gonna miss you. But I will feel better knowing that you're safe. Knowing that you're gonna keep on living. Not only barely surviving. But living at your fulliest, appreciating every single minute and keep going on your way.
I miss you.
I love you.
Nick.