28th January
That morning when he opened the door, Brian hadn’t been shocked or surprised to see Kevin standing there. Honestly, he would had been surprised if the opposite had happened, as if Kevin would had been able to leave him all alone on that very day. It had been that thought, estimated and infallible in its prevision, that had pushed Brian to get up and act as if he hadn’t dreaded that particular day coming. There was no need to speak up, there was no need to give voice to how he would had really wanted to spend it: enveloped inside the blankets, far away from the sun and cuddled by the memories, deceiving himself for a few hours in the idea that he was only and simply waiting for Nick’s coming back so that he would had been able to surprise him.
Twenty-seven. If he had been still alive, Nick would had been only twenty-seven years old. And since the day he met him he had never, never, missed any birthday. Nick probably wouldn’t had never admitted it, neither now that he couldn’t even reply to his own thoughts, but he valued so much celebrating his birthday. Even if it was only the two of them or, better, he preferred it that way rather than all those birthdays celebrated with thousand and more people. Before they started that adventure that being in the group had been, all the birthdays Nick had celebrated and remembered with joy could been counted on the fingers of a hand. There had always been something coming in the way, always some kind of alibis or justifications that still weren’t able to explain why there hadn’t never been even a small cupcake to celebrate that day. Sometimes, his parents just forgot completely about it, too worried about carrying on their works and a family between money’s problems and silent hate that twisted between them. And that had been the reason why everyone, not only Brian, had always tried to find a way to celebrate Nick’s birthdays even when they were all scattered around the world and when organize and coordinated everyone and everything had seemed an impossible mission. But every effort, every single curse and reproach had always vanished in front of the joyful and happily expression that brighten up Nick’s face, those tears of emotion into discovering and realizing that he wasn’t that invisible and so little important like his family had always made him feel like.
It was strange. It had been strange that year.
It had been strange because Brian hadn’t to rack his brain to find something that he hadn’t already get to Nick; it had been strange not to think about a new way to surprise Nick without him finding out what he was plotting behind his back. It had been strange spending day and days just observing the calendar losing a day without repeating himself that he had to start baking the cake and hide it before Nick could find and eat it. It had been strange finding himself in his new kitchen and baking that cake with tears in his eyes, knowing that he was making it only to honor Nick’s memory and no one was going to eat it.
“I know you would come.”
“And I’m not alone.”
Behind Kevin, in fact, Aj and Howie came up.
“None of us wanted to spend this day alone.” Howie said.
“Or didn’t want to let you spend it alone.” Aj added.
Brian just let them inside, accepting their hugs and offering a small smile. At least, the cake would had not be wasted.
*_*_*_*_*_*
“Bri?”
Brian raised up his eye, stopping himself while he was finishing to cut the last slice of cake. His eyes laid immediately upon the letter that his cousin was holding between his hands.
“Tell me that it’s not from him.”
A mixture of embarrassment and sadness came forward both in Kevin’s eyes and voice.
“He came to me some months before his death. He gave me this letter and asked me to give it to you on the first birthday in the case... well, in the case he was gone.”
A hug of silence wrapped Brian around itself while he turned around the letter between his fingers, biting his lips to decide if he would open it there in front of Kevin.
Or if he should open it at all.
Since that horrible day when his life had been turned upside down and for all that time, all Brian had wanted had been to just hear Nick’s voice once again. He had watched every video and interview over and over again; he had listen to all those stupid messages that Nick had left him every time he had been bored or hadn’t had nothing to do. But they had never been enough because it wasn’t the voice itself that Brian was missing but his words, those sentences that would go from a simple “good morning” to those “I love you” that, even with all the years spent together, still made his heart beat a little bit faster and wrapped him inside a warm bubble of love. Accepting that fact, accepting that he wouldn’t ever be able to hear Nick’s voice again, hadn’t been easy and, maybe, there were still days when Brian felt a throb of pure pain thinking that his voice was gone forever.
Brian couldn’t wait to open that letter. He couldn’t wait to read what Nick had thought for that very moment and day, knowing how much comfort he would need. But, on the other side, Brian didn’t want to open and read it. He wanted to keep it hidden, protecting it because those were, perhaps, Nick’s last words and he didn’t want to waste them away, he didn’t want them to be ruined and consumed by time.
“Haven’t you thought that... – Brian raised up his face, crossing Kevin’s stare. He smacked his lips, moistening them before keeping up speaking. - ... haven’t you thought that all of this was strange? Or that, maybe, there is something else going on?”
That was a doubt that hadn’t really left its house inside him. Every time Brian had thought about all Nick had planned, every time that a letter like that would pop up, he couldn’t not think that it couldn’t be a coincidence. What had really pushed Nick into doing all of that? Because that couldn’t had been an idea that had came in a day and organized and acted out in a few hours. With irony, with a mocking irony, that had been the only project Nick had been able to organize in every small detail; that had been the idea that hadn’t ended up among the ones what were always left abandoned by themselves.
A shadow crossed over Kevin’s face but Brian wasn’t able to detect it, more worried about the ones that were trying to push him back in that place from where he was slowly and hardly coming out.
“It is strange. But you know how Nick was...”
“Exactly! – Brian exclaimed, turned abruptly around and leaning with his elbow on the sink. – I knew him like no one else and that is precisely the reason why this story is leaving a bitter taste in the mouth.”
“Brian, Nick loved you. You were his family, you were the most important person in his life. And he knew that his feeling were corresponded equally. He knew how you were going to react in the case he would die. Is it really strange that he had wanted to take care of you even if he couldn’t do it personally?”
Brian lowered his gaze, a deep breath while he tried to put the tears behind the security line.
“No. I would have done the same exact thing.”
“And even he would have asked if there was something strange... – Another step and Brian saw Kevin’s reflection coming closer. – Brian...”
“No. Please, just don’t.” Brian interrupted Kevin, lowing exactly what he was about to say. And he didn’t really wanted to hear once again that Nick was dead. He knew it, he was sure of it but, as if it was another side of that truth, a part of himself would had keep hoping to see him appearing at the doorstep.
Kevin hesitated for a second before nodding and staying silent. He just made a gesture, he reached and picked up the letter from the counter and holding it out for Brian, waiting patiently for his answer. And, without saying nothing more, Brian took it before going out on the balcony and then disappearing on the beach.
Happy birthday!
I don’t know how many years I’d been if I were there with you but I’m hoping I’m old enough. If it’s not that case... for the first time I don’t know what to say to you, Bri. For the first time, I’m here observing this blank page and I don’t have any idea about what to say to make you feel better. I like to think that you are going to celebrate it, even if I’m not there. I like to think that you are going to bake that cake that I love so much and I like to think that you are going to blow off the candles and make a wish.
In the end, my birthday is yours. A little bit.
No, don’t look me with that expression. You know very well which I’m talking about. That expression you always used every time I said something stupid and you didn’t want to tell me so you just watched me without interrupting me just so to see where I would end up.
But, really, it’s not really something stupid. Even if, at first, I didn’t believe it was true. How many times does it happen? I thought that it had been already a miracle meeting you, having you in my life as a partner. And it was like a gift from destiny knowing that I was the centre of your universe and love. But things like these... I don’t know, it sounds like something that could happen in a movie or in a tv-show.
And yet, it’s true.
I have never told you this and it’s maybe the only secret that I’ve always kept from you. Don’t get mad with your mother, I’m the one who begged her not to tell you anything. I know, now you’re worried, I can see those lines appearing on your forehead, the ones that always made their appearance when you’re worried over something. But it’s nothing bad, I swear. It’s just another proof that we were meant to be together. That we were soul mates.
It was a fan that had told me this, that was the reason why I couldn’t believe it at first. You know that a lot of them loved our relationship and you know that some of them had foreseen what we could have been. One of them, one day, told me that she loved and found amazing that the day I was born was the same say when you were supposed to die. I know that there scientific and medical explanation on how you survived and, miraculously without any serious consequences. But... okay, think that I’m a fool but I don’t think it was just a coincidence. I don’t believe that it’s a coincidence that my other half of my heart didn’t go away before I could find and meet it. And I like to think that there is a reason behind all of this; I like to think that you decided to stay here, on this earth, because you were the only one who could take care of me, protect me and love me. And you have always done it. You were my angel even though you weren’t invisible, up in the sky. You were my living and breathing guardian angel.
Think it like this, then. Think that my death was something like this. Think that now I’m your guardian angel, a breathe of a invisible wind but still always by your side. Because I know I would never be able to protect you like you always did if I was still alive. Because... Bri, you don’t know how it feels to be the centre of your every little attention. You feel like the luckiest man in the world, you feel loved and protected like you’ve never been in your life before. And I took advantage of it, before. I know. But I didn’t know how to change it, I didn’t know how to prove to you that I was worthy, that you could lean on me. Now I will be able to do it. Though I don’t know how it can be an advantage because I won’t be able to hug you. Touch you. Kiss you.
If I could ask for only one gift... this. I would desire just one thing, I’d ask only to touch you one last time. But I can’t, right? I’m dead. And it makes me so angry.
But I have something to ask you one last gift. I know you and I know that you still haven’t still sang even the smallest note until today. I’m not asking you to go up on a stage again, I’m not asking you to do a whole concert only for me. I know how much impossible it is, I’ve been through it remember? When you had your surgery, when Howie had to sing your parts, I couldn’t stop thinking about how wrong it was: being up there without you didn’t have much sense and I know that it’s the same for you. And maybe, fr you, it’s even worse. So no, I’m not asking you this.
Just sing one note. Just sing one song.
Call me selfish. Call me whatever you want but I can’t think and imagine a world without your voice. I can’t imagine not being able to hear it, even though I’m not physically there to listen to you. Can you just do this little thing as a gift? Sing about us if it would make you feel better. Sing about everything you want, even the stupidest song ever. But sing, Brian. Don’t let the pain kill one of the most beautiful and amazing gift that I had received since the day I was born: your voice.”
For the first time, after reading those words, Nick’s words, Brian didn’t cry. For the first time Brian felt the anger starting to grow in the pit of his stomach, a monster that was trying to come up leaning on its claws. For the first time, Brian was furious and knew that how much irrational his anger was but, even knowing, he wasn’t able to control it. For the first time Brian was angry at those words. Brian was angry, furious, with Nick for not only being gone but for daring to tell him how he was supposed to live his live without him.
Then it came the moment when anger was much bigger and stronger than logic, able to escape and finding a way towards the throat and conquering the vocal chords: through them, in fact, anger offered every word that Brian had kept hidden and nurtured for those long and difficult months. There was no one there listening to him, only the sky and the ocean that was trying to come closer but crashed against rocks, splashing drops of water as if they were tears linked all together with that internal storm.
“You’re a bastard, Nick. You’re a jerk and a bastard! You’re still the selfish and egocentric bastard Nick that I knew and everything has to be about you, no? What you would want, what you would like to hear... but what about me? What am I supposed to say? Of course, Nick, of course I’m going back to sing for my dead fiancé that can’t even hear me! What about what I really want? What about my wishes? They don’t care at all? I want to hear your voice again too, stupid idiot! I want you here too. Hug you. Kiss you. But I can’t! I can’t because you got killed in a stupid and senseless accident! You went away and you left me all alone! So excuse me if I’m trying to survive the best that I can. Excuse me if I don’t follow your orders and your wishes because... you know, what? They suck! Redecorate a house, going back to sing... do you really believe that there are the things that I really need?”
The anger diminished away after the first scream, choosing to fight a battle of trembles and tears that now were streaming down without even making their presence noticed. Completely emptied, Brian let himself fall down on one of the rocks, hugging himself like he did wanted to hide away. Or hide all of his pain that still, and maybe more than before, throbbed like a wound that still had to turn into a scar.
“I just need to see you one last time. . Those words, differently from the first spoken before, got out in a soft whisper, broken by a desperation that Brian was so sure he had been able to put it behind his back. He had believed that he had been able to stand back once again on his feet and to have found a sense of normality, even though it had been frail. He had deceived himself once again. Like always. – I just need you. This is all that I need. And I can keep wishing it, I can keep praying for it but no one is going to bring you back.”
*_*_*_*_*_*
Everyone had left. Howie, Aj and, even if he didn’t want it, Kevin. All it took was just a glance, the eyes that still tasted of tears and an emotion painful just if taken between the fingertips, and the party had died down like someone had turned off the lights. Recommendations had been left in the air, hugs lasted longer than what was needed and required and promises of calls and keeping in touch had been made with a shake of the hands. Words, nevertheless, had came in a daze and emptied of their meaning for Brian felt like he was living in a box left empty of everything it once held inside. In the kitchen, the cake was melting; in the living room, the candles were slowly burning out but Brian didn’t care about nothing. What was the goal? He had only fooled himself for months and now he was at the beginning again, his heart shattered while a black hole was getting bigger and larger and was trying to swallow him whole. Screaming hadn’t help because no one had listened to him; crying had only served into making his eyes swollen and red and it had given him the first burning of an headache that soon was going to turn into a migraine. And, among that sea of emotions, there was only the awareness that he had once again lost the reins of control: wasn’t he supposed to already get over that part? Wasn’t it supposed to already have used all of his tears and anger?
Still, somewhere inside him, something was starting to grow as a new nourishment. Maybe he had needed that breakdown to understand and comprehend what he was doing wrong because for all of this time what he had really done was just living for Nick. He had done everything that Nick had said like had been there. He had done everything only because he wanted to make Nick happy.
And that had been his mistake. Even though realizing it had been the hardest thing he had ever done.
He couldn’t keep living to make happy someone that was already gone. He had to live for himself and in that way, only in that way, he would have been sure that Nick, somewhere in the sky, was happy and proud of him.
That day Brian didn’t make any call. He felt guilty partly, just as he felt guilty for never going to the cemetery. Illusion, that was where he had lived until that day. For the remaining hours of the day, Brian went to retrieve the box of things he had taken from the house, including his guitar case.
He hated to admit it, especially after his scene at the beach, but Nick was right.. He missed the music. Maybe he would never go again on a stage but music has never been only that for him, it has never been only a mere work. Singing was part of himself just like breathing or being alive; singing and writing have been his escape during those moments when he didn’t know what to do or where to go because there was so much confusion inside his mind. And maybe that was the reason why he never played during those last months: those chord would only give birth to notes full of pain, melancholy and regret for all that had been ripped off from him. Though he had never dared to think about it, one day that pain would leave place to hope.
His case was all covered up in dust. Brian used his hand for now and didn’t clean too much, only the biggest white balls. Once opened, the small light of the room reflected itself on the wood of the guitar. Brian took it in his hands, trying to find out if the chords were tuned or not. And there, with an half eye, Brian realized that his case hadn’t only kept his guitar but even a small packet.
“Nicky.” Brian whispered, a small smile while his fingers clutched the corners of the box. How he had known it, Brian couldn’t even imagine it. But that was what always managed to make those surprises so amazing, breathtaking and frustrating.
Once opened the packet revealed inside a white paper and a picture.
“I was an idiot. Sorry, Brian. Those words... only when I had them already written down, only when I had thought about them, I realized how wrong they were. I know that you’re angry. I’d been too if I were in your place. You don’t have to... damn, I’ve never been good with this kind of things, have I? I’ve never been good in apologizing to you. But you never needed many explanations, as if you already knew why I was asking forgiveness. You read it in my eyes. But now you can’t do it so I have to explain myself.
I know that you’re hating me. Whatever was the reason why I’m dead, natural or because of an accident, I know that a part of you is hating me for leaving you. Partly, that’s the reason why I’ve planned all of these letters: to apologize , to try to put together something that, intentionally or not, I had broken. But I’m not the one that has to do that, Brian. It can’t be letters or advices on what I want for you. Only you can fix yourself, Brian. I know you will do it, even if now it seems that it’s so impossible even to imagine it.
I don’t take back what I wrote before. I still want to hear your voice. I still want to hear you sing again and I wish there was a way for me to meet you one last time. But if you had to sing again, if you had to do anything at all, you have to do it for yourself. That’s all that I want. I want you to be happy.”
The gift was a picture of them, an old photo where Brian was trying to teach to a very young Nick how to play the guitar. If music had been able to make them whole once, if music had been able to make them meet and then tell them that they were meant to be together, then maybe music would been able to do it all over again.
The first notes were shaky, only sketched and as if there was still fear in letting the fingers go and leaving to them all the control on what should be told and what not; then they became more determined, sure and started to create melodies and harmonies that narrated about a love born, kept and healed and that even the bitter point of death could let it vanish. And then, even if Brian wasn’t sure how it happened, even the voice started to follow those frail and delicate music wind. At first it was rough and still prisoner of the tiredness after being abused and never let free among the streets of the singing. At first, meaningless words were the ones chosen to go with the guitar’s flow. Only when the sun was starting to make its way through the clouds, verses and melody intertwined within a sad and melancholic song.
I could hold you for a million times
to make you feel my love.
I’ve know it from the moment that we me
No doubt that in my mind where you belong
I could make you happy
Make your dream come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the end of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
- Make you feel my love, Lea Michele’s cover. -
