Message #33

In a flash, October knocked at the door and brought with itself brushes soaked up with brown, red and orange shades to turn trees and leaves in its favorite canvas. Paths and sidewalks were pulled aside by piles of dry leaves, flashes of color with a shade of green that was slowly weakening and was only waiting for the moment when, in a few months, it would be back shining so brightly. As if it was a perfect metaphor life itself had flown away just like a butterfly, sometimes making forgetting what the previous autumn had brought as unwanted gift. But that was the lesson that Kevin had learned on his own skin: the world would always kept turning, ignoring about hurt feelings or hearts that were still finding those pieces that had been lost among the storm. Life had to go on again, as if that was the only way to heal the wounds.

And that was what had happened. Although there were still moments when Nick’s thought would surface again with an image or with a memory and the blown, dull, still hurt. It had been unfair, in that twisted way that destiny had to pay the dues and, sometimes, it would chose the wrong person to be the one who had to pay for the mistakes. Not only Nick, gone when he was finally starting over a new life and with so many infinite chances to fly higher than before, but even and mostly Brian. And only thanks to how the ties had been untied since the year before, it was now with relief that Kevin could answer Brian’s phone calls without the shattering fear that something terrible had happened again.

“College man, shouldn’t you be in class?”

The laughter coming through the phone was finally that happy one that, for a long time, everyone had been so sure that it would live again. Brian was finally happy, that happiness that was born from being conscious that it was far from being perfect but, at the same time, it was more that he could ever imagine to be after that earthquake like Nick’s absence.

“I had only one class in the morning.”

“Interesting?”

“Yeah. But that isn’t the reason why I’m calling you.”

Kevin’s forehead frowned first with a line of confusion and, then, with a tip of worry. Had he exulted too soon?

“Something happened? Are... are you okay?”

“It’s okay. Don’t worry. I’m okay. – Immediately came Brian’s reassurance, joined by that laugh of neutral joke for that more than justified concern. – I’m just calling for an advice.”

“Oh, okay. – Kevin replied with a sigh of relief. – Though I’m not so informed about the college life.”

“It has nothing to do with it. Or... in a way... But... I think... I think I have a date. Sort of. Maybe.”

“You think or is it really a date?”

“I don’t know!”

Kevin perceived a pang of panic inside Brian’s voice. Though Brian would always seemed so sure and confident, in reality that confidence was only an illusion, a masquerade created so perfectly so that it would be easier to hide inside him all those doubts and uncertainties that every decisions, even the smallest one, would bring. And the one about going out or not with someone new seemed to be harder that reaching the highest mountain in the whole world.

“Ehi, cousin, it’s only a date. It’s not the end of the world.”

Only silence came from the other side: a moment that Kevin could recreate inside his mind, picturing Brian biting down his lips and twisting the hand that wasn’t holding up the cell phone.

“It hasn’t been a year.”

Kevin knew that those words would come as first. He was waiting for them and he was ready to beat them down, throwing them away out of the window and free Brian.

“There isn’t a right time to wait, Brian. Only because it had been twelve months it doesn’t mean that you still have to pause your life. No one is going to accuse you only because you decided to take another step forward and keep on living. Meeting and going out with other people are part of this process.”

“I’m not afraid of meeting new people. That’s the whole reason why I had chosen to start this life. Here... here no one really knows me and it’s so easy to silence those who still remember my old life. But... but I don’t think I’m ready for this part of the life. I’m not ready to have someone else in my life. Someone who would take Nick’s place.”

“Nick would have wanted this and you know it. He would have wanted someone by your side and take care of you just like he used to.”

Brian sighed in frustration at that sentence and image. Those words made him mad because they were so far from the truth, although Nick’s ghost slash hallucination had sustained the contrary.

“Why do you keep telling this stupid thing? Nick... – Brian found himself raising his eyes towards the ceiling as a wet laughter full of nostalgia stole the attention for a moment. – Nick was jealous. Possessive. He had that burning look towards whoever dares to only look at me. So no, he wouldn’t be happy if someone else would make me laugh and smile like he did.”

“Bri, listen. You have to stop thinking and act like he is still here. He isn’t. No one wants you to forget about Nick or being kept prisoner in something only because it’s what people want and expect from you.”

Silence arrived once again after those words and, for a second, Kevin thought about taking them back, at least a part of them because he knew that he had stepped inside a territory that was still slippery and tedious. Unknown, still, was Brian’s reaction at those facts and, given the past experiences, it was still so hard to predict if certain words would be welcomed with open arms, considered simply as an advice, or with knives as Brian would retrieve inside those high walls he built in defenses.

“I don’t want to forget him. I don’t want that the world forget how much important Nick was for me” Brian’s reply came in a whisper, a middle way between those two reactions Kevin had balanced inside his mind.

“It won’t happen. Brian, you won’t even be able to forget Nick and no one won’t ever forget what kept you together. A love like yours isn’t easily erased just because one of you suddenly disappears. That love will always be with you, keeping you company along with something new. You can’t... you can’t close yourself inside the pain.”

“So I have to accept that date?”

“You have to do what you feel is right.”

“That’s not an advice, Kevin.”

“Do you want my blessing?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never had these kind of problems. Everything was so simple with Nick, the only anxiety only knew if my feelings were returned or if it was only my imagination. Now... here it’s all much more complicated.” Brian murmured in the end, leaning his head against the wall.

“It’s not that complicated. Go out, have fun and laugh with someone. You don’t have necessarily seen it as a date.”

“What if he wants something more out of it?”

“Talk to him. Clarify since the beginning, then.”

“Okay. – Brian answered after a long moment of silenced waiting. – Okay. Just a dinner.”

“At least you’re going to eat something.”

“Can we stop this nonsense? I do eat, thank you for the concern.”

“I remember Nick following you with peanut butter and jam sandwiches.”

“It’s not true!”

“You’re lucky he understood immediately that he wasn’t really good with cooking…”

Brian grumbled amused, finally free from that anxiety and apprehension that had made him nervous during the whole conversation.

“After the one time I got food poisoning, he was literally scared about cooking something for me... – Brian replied, without that pan of bitter nostalgia everything he remembered something from his old life with Nick. – Thanks cousin.”

“Are you more relaxed now?”

“Well, Ryan would never be worse than some of those psychopathic fans we had to deal with, right?”

“Oh, so his name is Ryan...”

“No, stop here. Don’t start with the interrogation, okay?”

“I just want to know his name. And how old he is. So I can check if he has any…”

“Tell me you’re joking...”

“Only the last part.”

“I guess I have a thing of man younger than me. Ryan is the same age of Nick.”

“Tell me he’s not blonde…”

Brian sensed what Kevin was trying to imply with that comment, totally legit but left him feeling a little bit annoyed.

“No. He’s the total opposite of Nick, and not only physically.”

“Well, he’s studying at college...”

“Nick was a genius. In his own way. And really unappreciated.”

“He was Nick.”

“Yes. – Brian replied in a whispered voice, his eyes locked on that picture he would never be able to hide or throw away. – He was Nick.”

*********

“Are you sure?”

The moonlight slipped between the two of them, lighting up those faces so close to each others.

Brian got on his tiptoes, brushing his nose against Nick’s.

“Yep. – He answered in a determinate tone, pulling away a lock of hair still too much blonde. – Next time try not to dye your hair on your own.”

Nick took Brian’s hand with his, although unable to intertwine their fingers together.

“I’m serious. This... this is going to change everything.”

“I’ve never been so sure in my entire life, Nick.”

And, even before Nick could say and find another objection, Brian’s lips rested on his while that twine of hands went and shift upon Nick’s side, sliding inside that notch of the back that was more sensitive. For a moment Nick stood completely silent and still, surprised and shocked by that determination and that promise that he had never thought he could hold on to so easily. But he couldn’t keep still, not when that kiss had started to wake each one of his senses and was creating small flashes of a love that was now free to blossom and fly away.


“Did you have fun?”

The voice was different as well as the place where they were in that moment. Brian sighed for a second, observing those grey clouds what were hiding the moon and threaten to let their tears fall down. Even they had understood how much that night had been such a failure. He wasn’t ready to jump again in that ocean, he wasn’t ready to give away another piece of his heart when still he was still struggling to find a balance in that life turned single in a blink of an eye.

“Yes.”

He couldn’t lie thou. Because the truth was that, for at least half of the night, Brian had fun. They had talked about the courses they were taking together, about all the ones they didn’t and then they went back in time and told about a childhood almost similar, spent between soccer and basket fields. It had been easy, maybe almost too much easy, to forget about all the rest and when it arrived, Nick’s memory had seemed like a punch in the gut. Suddenly all the lights, the candles, the atmosphere and the fact that he was standing in front of another man, regained their primary meaning: it was a date, a damned date and all that Brian wanted was to continue as if it were only a dinner with a friend.

His plan had failed so miserably.
That plan could never had the chance to win and convince, not when Nick’s memory had seemed to come alive and resemble a ghost who had taken a seat next to him, ready to make fun about every little detail of that night. There had been comments about the wrong choice for the restaurant (French? Seriously? You don’t eat all that butter even in a whole year!) until those images had silently gone out from their hiding and had made him painfully aware of their presence: Nick’s laughter, that one that always made his nose and lips curling up, making him looking like a child instead than a grown old man; his voice, that lullaby between amusing tones and ones more husky and sensual, those innuendos that had always made Brian blushing up like a girl in front of her crush. It had been a bitter and sweet torture; it had been like reviving all those dates spent together and, at the same time, the slow but more and more firm certainty that there would never be place for someone else.
At least for now.

It had been an instant.
They were arrived in front of Ryan’s car, in the parking behind the restaurant. So lost inside his thoughts, Brian didn’t notice at first Ryan’s intentions nor when, suddenly, silence started to wrap its arms around them. And, as if it had been a scene from a movie, Ryan came slowly closer, lowering a little his face and turning so that it wouldn’t hit Brian’s nose. For a second, Brian was completely paralyzed, frozen from what was about to happen. Should he let it happen? Perhaps that was the solution, perhaps he had to stop thinking about Nick and starting to live again for real. And yet, a stab in the stomach kept warning him, whispering that it wasn’t the right way to forget about everything. In a fraction of a second, mind and heart quickly decided to move the body far away from what it was going to turn into the biggest mistake ever committed.

“Sorry... I’m so sorry... I...” Brian found himself murmuring as he lowered his gaze embarrassed.

“No, I’m the one that should apologize. I thought...” Ryan replied, embarrassed too.

“Kevin was right. – Brian said in a low tone, finding the strength to put together what he had just shattered. – I didn’t want to play with you. I had fun, yes, but I’m not ready for this.”

“Ready? What do you mean?” Ryan asked confused.

“I should have told you when you first asked me out. But it was the first time I met someone who didn’t know anything about me and... – Brian shrugged as he hide his hands inside the pockets of his jeans. - … I just wanted to be a normal guy once again.”

“Are you like a prince from a strange and unknown European state?”

“No, no! Hell! – Brian replied after a laughter. – I’ve lost my fiancé almost a year ago. We had been together since forever, we grew up together and... It hadn’t been easy coming to this point, some months ago I was still convinced that he would come back. I thought I’ve already turned the page but, in reality, tonight I understood that I’m still not okay. That wound isn’t healed already. And I’m not ready yet for falling in love. I apologize.”

Brian saw it. It was a subtle change in the guy’s eyes but Brian captured it, maybe because he already knew what was going to happen after those words. How many other times had he seen it not only inside strangers’ eyes but even coming from people he knew? That mix of commiseration and pity, those old and overused words that never worked and, instead, made him feel still so full of rage and anger.

“Brian, I... – Ryan put a hand though his hair, finding himself without any words. – I don’t know what...”

“There is nothing to say. – Brian stopped him. – I apologize. But I had fun anyway.” He did something dictated more by instinct and habit, because that was his way to apologize to Nick when they had started dating: a simple kiss on the cheeks, though through a veil of tenderness.

But once inside his car, once he started the engine and took the road back home, the only tenderness left in Brian was the bitter feeling of being still blocked at the starting line. His vicious circle started and ended with Nick. And that was how it would always be and, maybe, it was time to accept the fact that memories would be his only companions for still a long time ahead.

*********

It was strange how the rain seemed to be the force of the nature acting as a background behind all that had happened to him in the last year: a storm had witnessed the day when Nick died and again raindrops and wind kept him company that fateful day Brian had decided to follow Nick wherever he had gone. So it shouldn’t had been a surprise if, even that night, rain had decided to pour down halfway through the drive back home, adding its own melancholy at that atmosphere inside the car. Most of all, Brian felt guilty. He felt like he had disappointed everyone by going out with another guy when still he was grieving Nick and, at the same time, by not being able to put the past behind his back and try to live again.
He had disappointed Nick though Briand didn’t know which was the right reason between those polar opposite.

“What do you really want from me, Nick? ‘Cause I can’t understand it and I don’t know anymore what is the right thing to do. Tonight... Tonight I felt like I was cheating on you, like I was stabbing you in the back by only smiling and laughing with someone that wasn’t you. You hated when something like this happened in the past, you would always got mad thinking that I was flirting with someone else. But I’ve never did it, I’ve never flirted with someone just like I hadn’t done tonight. Still... Still I feel the same weight of guilt upon my heart and I don’t know how I am supposed to react.
I should hate you.
I should hate you because you are gone, because you had been the first to hit me and, for fuck’s sake, it has been a year! I shouldn’t still feel so linked to you, no? Yet, I’m still tangled inside you and I hate myself for this. I hate myself because I want to move on, I want to find someone who can fill this enormous emptiness that you have created within my heart and soul. But, at the same time, I want to hold onto you. I wanna keep you inside me.

I’m not ready.
I’m not ready for a new relationship.
Mostly, I’m not ready to let you go.

You know... when you’re a child and they tell you about all those fairytales and stories about eternal love and happy ending? They make you believe that love will always survive, they make you believe that battling and overcoming obstacles is worth for all that you are going to gain and win. The most precious thing in the whole universe. And they are right, you do know this. We had our fairytale. We had that big and amazing love. But what they don’t tell you is what to do when you lose that love. They don’t tell you what to do when someone comes and steal it from you without even a warning. They don’t tell you that it’s an agony, they don’t tell you that all that is waiting for you is heartache and pain. They don’t tell you how many times you are going to lose hope. And they don’t tell you how you are supposed to get back on your feet. You just do. One day you wake up and you realize that you have to change, that you have to build yourself all over again because that dream you’re holding onto doesn’t exist anymore.

That day is finally coming for me. I don’t know if I should feel relief or being scared, I don’t know if I should keep living like this or if I should hide somewhere and protect what small I have left of you.

A help, Nicky. All I’m asking now is a little help. I’ve never asked you for help, at least not like this. I was always scared. I was always scared about letting you see me so weak and desperate. But yet you understood and helped me. You’ve always managed to let me see which the right road to take was. So, for one last time, tell me what I should do.”

Even with his eyes closed and the head leaning against the seat, Brian became aware when the rain stopped. The sound of raindrops ceased to harmonize with his thoughts and even the wind decided to go back to its rooms and rest instead than keeping breathing so frustrated and angry.

A smile, sad and melancholic, appeared on Brian’s face as he started to drive again, his eyes captured by that sky that had became so clear and bright, with the first stars starting to come out after the rain. After a storm, after every storm, there would always be the sun. His storm might had lasted for twelve long months but, maybe, now a small ray of light was slowly rise again as it put behind the last drop of rain and cold.

Brian had just to follow that lead.

“Thank you. I don’t know if it’s you but... thank you, Nick. And forgive me.”