22. Looking Back
23rd of October 2005
I sat there, impatiently. I so didn’t have time for this.
I was painfully aware of my left foot tapping the ground underneath my seat incessantly, but I couldn’t stop it. I watched the others shuffle into the room one by one, occasionally giving me a surprised look. If I wasn’t so cranky, I would have smiled. I usually wasn’t one to come anywhere on time, which probably fuelled their surprise more.
“You look like shit,” AJ informed me briefly before sitting down. I knew he was referring to the dark circles around my eyes. I’d seen them in the mirror this morning.
I had contemplated shoving my face into a box of make-up, but knew it wouldn’t get me anywhere.
I didn’t answer Alex, instead just pretended I hadn’t heard him at all and picked up the single sheet of paper lying before me on the table, pretending to be interested. Kevin placed it there oh so carefully, as he always does everything oh so carefully.
I should be more like him.
For a long time, I had been wondering if I should tell Kev about my little ‘situation’. He’d probably have understood. He’d probably have told me what I should do.
For once, I didn’t have any problem with that.
Desperation is an understatement in this situation.
Somehow, Kevin was actually the last to step in. I bent forward slightly, looking around Nick, who chose a seat beside me. Kev appeared a little nervous, looking around the room swiftly, locating every single one of us with a brief stare. I smiled awkwardly at him.
Tonight I’ll tell him, I thought, tonight I’ll tell him everything. Peter won’t know, cause Kevin is careful. He won’t tell anyone, I was sure of it.
He remained standing, the frown on his face deepening as the silence continued. Expectantly, we all looked up at him, as we had always done. This time it was even more obvious, cause he was the one that called this meeting in the first place and the rest of us had no idea what it was about.
“Alright, thanks for coming,” he began and I rolled my eyes exasperatedly. It wasn’t like we had a choice, but to come. I watched Kevin swallow before he continued and briefly wondered who could have died for him to look like that, “There’s something I’ve been considering for a while, and I’d like to finally speak my mind today.”
We didn’t say anything, waiting patiently for Kevin to continue talking. By now we were all accustomed to his tendency to use a lot of words and speak very slowly. I often consider the possibility that he could have done a lot more with his life if he just added a little more tempo to his speech.
“So, there’s probably no easy way to go around this, so I’m just going to lay it out,” Kevin breathed and I suddenly got the nauseating feeling that I knew what he was going to say, “I’ve been thinking of taking a break,” he said.
“Like a bathroom break?” Nick said in an attempt to be funny. Kevin glared at him, but didn’t say anything.
“No, you idiot,” I heard Howie, who was furthest away from me, mumble, “He means a sabbatical.”
“Ah,” Nick muttered, “What’s that?”
“Its… It’s more permanent than that, Howard,” Kevin stammered, ignoring Nick’s question.
“You’re leaving… He- He’s leaving!” AJ was the first to shout it and I flinched slightly at his volume. But at Kevin’s silence, I knew he was right.
It hit me like a ton of bricks. I barely listened as Kevin started to desperately explain how he had come to such a decision. Something about wanting a family, about being tired of touring and about lost inspiration in about anything. I don’t think anything could have convinced me at that point though as I felt an indescribable rage welling up slowly.
Kevin couldn’t leave. He just couldn’t. He was about the sole reason I even got into the Backstreet Boys. He was practically the one that dragged me into this whole circus, and now he was leaving? He was also the only one that would understand, even if it was just a little, if I told him about Peter.
I noticed the entire room was suddenly layered in thick silence. I was breathing hard, trying to control myself, but I knew it was a losing battle. One by one, all heads turned to look at me with a uncertain, maybe even scared expression on their faces. I hadnt said anything the entire meeting.
“Brian?” Howie asked uncertainly, which was a cue for me to let it all go. I yelled, I screamed, said words that I didn’t even know I knew. They were terrible and slammed down on Kevin like a brick wall. I really couldn’t care about that at that moment. I had never felt so betrayed, so alone as I did in that moment. Kevin had been my last hope, but as it turned out, he was just as selfish and arrogant as everybody else. He only cared about inspiration, touring and family, not at all about running psychos on the loose that wanted to…
I stood up with a lot of noise, the abandoned chair falling over behind me. “Well, if you want to go so badly, then just stay gone! We don’t need you! In fact, I guess it would be better this way! I don’t ever want to see you again!”
I only know that I meant every word in that very moment. I had run out, rage closing up my throat. I don’t remember where I went, but I do know nobody bothered to go after me.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I think this story needs a revival with a slightly different approach
