previously: ''He would find the answers, even if he didn’t want to know them. Even if they would shatter everything he had ever believed in.''

1.       REASONS FOR BLAME

The only reason I am writing in this journal now, is to find out where it could have possibly gone wrong. I’m trying to go by the dates, dates that stand out in my mind. Dates that could be holding the key to a solution, to an explanation, to a chance to make sense out of a senseless deed. And since I am not going to get anything out of the lifeless man to my right, I’ll have to do it all by myself. I’ve been writing in this notebook for the past three weeks, but still haven’t found the answer I’m looking for. The answer that could give me a reason as to why this has happened. 

23rd of October 2005

Normally, recording days were lame, so we had to make it interesting. We usually end up having entire competitions and bets on who would get their singing parts done the fastest. I don’t even know why we do it anymore, as the sequence of victory is always the same. I win, AJ is a very close second, Nick does his very best, but seems just unable to get anything done fast, and Brian always loses. He’s too much of a perfectionist to stand a chance against my quick work. Kevin is the typical fun-spoiler who does not want to compete. Well, not anymore since he quit the group two weeks ago. I can’t help but feeling the anger burning in my veins whenever I think about his decision.

I had wanted to scream at him on that 23rd day of october, when he announced his departure in a group meeting he’d called. I had wanted to inform him that we weren’t just some garage band that he could quit whenever he didn’t feel like being part of it anymore. I had wanted to knock some sense into him. Had wanted to yell at him for all of eternity. I could see poor young Nicky, who didn’t seem able to get any word past his lips. He had looked pale and wore a nauseous look on his face. He hadn’t looked angry, just hurt and sad. I felt bad for him, not for Kevin. Not at all for Kevin. AJ had looked just as angry as I felt, but kept his mouth shut, in fear of Kevin’s wrath. The only one of us who didn’t seem to share that fear was Brian. He just went off, like a bomb. He screamed words at Kevin I would never even begin to repeat. Words that hung in the air forever, poignant with the hurt and betrayal that was clearly visible in his eyes. Out of the four of us I think Brian took Kevin’s departure the hardest. He was family after all, and the sole reason Brian was even part of us. He’d often told us that his parents probably wouldn’t have allowed him to join us on the road if Kevin hadn’t promised them he’d look out for his younger cousin. So maybe he felt the most betrayed and abandoned of all of us, for him to get worked up like that. The whole meeting ended abruptly with a last sneer of Brian, that hit home considerably well.

“Well, if you want to go so badly, then just stay gone! We don’t need you! In fact, I guess it would be better this way! I don’t ever want to see you again!”

After Brian had stormed out of the room, Kevin looked at the rest of us, helplessly. His green eyes pleading us to say something, to tell him that Brian had been way out of line. That it was his life, and that he should be able to do with it what he wanted. That Brian would come around and would learn to accept his heavily made decision. That everything was going to be fine and that Brian would forgive him. I had just shrugged at him. There was nothing I had to say to him. No one of us had. Right then it had felt as if Brian had said everything we all had wanted to say. It never appeared to us that Brian had never exploded like that before…

Kevin blames himself now, I know he does. I also know that it probably wasn’t his fault. I assume every one of us can think of a reason to blame themselves. I know we have to search harder, deeper. For the same reason I know that something had been going on long before the 23rd, before Kevin even thought about leaving. Because Brian had been out of line, I realize that now. There had been an irrational rage, a dark fear in his voice that makes me presume that it wasn’t directed at Kevin, that he had screamed at his cousin for reasons we didn’t understand, reasons Kevin didn’t even know. Now all I have to find out is where the rage and fear did come from. That’s all.