PREVIOUSLY: ''I’m trying to go by the dates, dates that stand out in my mind. Dates that could be holding the key to a solution, to an explanation, to a chance to make sense out of a senseless deed.'

1.       SECRETS TO KEEP

Guilt is a funny thing. It makes you do things you’ll regret, makes you suffer, eats you up inside. Leaves you frustrated, and wondering if you could have done things different. Cause if you could, then you might have been able to stop it. If you had known everything at the start, would you have changed anything? Why, Brian? It’s the only question I find myself asking for over three weeks.

6th of October 2005

I had promised him. Promised not to tell anyone about it. I know I should have, but I could never break a promise, it’s not in my nature to do so.

I cannot seem to think back further than that Wednesday in October. It was the first day I clearly noticed the change that had taken place in Brian. We were at the studio, somewhere in Orlando. All we had been breathing lately was studio. The other three were busy recording, and Brian and I were bored, for we had already finished for the day. I offered to go into the city together, but he refused. Said that there was something he needed to get done. I hadn’t asked him what, but found out when I walked in on him later that evening in a dark hotel room.

“Hey Brian T, Howie D is back!” I was in a good mood, getting a massage in my hotel room always puts me in a good mood. I saw him jump sharply when my, a bit too enthusiastic, shout reached his ears. But he jumped an awful lot lately. I had thought then that he was just a little bit overworked. Stress had never been a good thing for him. Put him in the hospital once. Of course, compared with what’s happening now, that was child play. I just can’t feel bad for him…  I wasn’t too worried about it then. We all tend to stress out a bit between albums. All we have to do is find a way to blow off some steam. My mom always said that. It’s the reason why I water-ski. I didn’t know if Brian had a way to blow off steam, but he’d better find one. Because next to the Backstreet Boys, he needed to take care of the whole ‘family life’ now as well.  I always knew Brian would be the first one to become a father. It suited him and I was proud of him.

“Jeez Howard, do you always intend on walking in on people to scare the crap out of them?” I would have laughed, if his tone hadn’t been so angry. Boy, he must have been really stressed out.

“That depends if their conscience is bugging them or not.” I remember the look he gave me, scared and confused, as if I had found out his biggest secret. I saw him hide whatever he had in his hands, behind his back. The room was too dark to see what it was, but by Brian’s movement, I could clearly tell he was hiding something. Not his smartest move.

“What you got there, B-Rok?” I asked him tentatively.

“Nothing.” Came the quick and expected reply.

“Of course not.” I said and reached my hand as fast as I could behind his back. My fingers clasped something cold, something metal. Instinctively I knew immediately what it was. My father used to be a cop and had something just like it. I looked at my friend, shocked.

“Brian, what are you planning to do with that?” I tried to speak as slowly and authoritative  as I could manage, cause even though we are only about two years apart, he is still my younger brother. Plus, I had heard Kevin use the voice as well, and it always seemed to work. Of course, Brian wasn’t Nick… you couldn’t tell him what to do.

“It does not concern you, D.”

“Well, way I see it, you’re standing in the same room as I, with a gun in your hands, I’m allowed to be a little concerned.”

“Relax Howard, I wasn’t gonna shoot you.” Pfeww, well there went theories number one, two, four and seven. I like to list things, to write them down. It creates order out of chaos.

“Oh wow, isn’t that a relief, then who is the poor bastard you are gonna shoot?” I tend to get a bit sarcastic when things get heated up. I saw his eyes get bigger, as he realized he’d said too much. I didn’t expect him to tell me. We had never been so close that we shared all of our secrets.  But I know now that he wouldn’t have shared this secret even with Nick. So I wasn’t waiting for an answer, and unsurprisingly I didn’t get a real one.

“It’s not to shoot someone, it’s precaution.” Aha, well that got us in the middle of… nowhere.

“Precaution.” I repeated in a disbelieving tone.

“Yeah, so I can feel safe?” He said uncertain. I knew he was lying, I always know when he’s lying, cause my dad used to be a cop. He’d taught my brothers and sisters and I how to tell when someone is lying. And with Brian it is the easiest thing in the world. He is a bad liar. Couldn’t do it even if his life depended on it.

“Feel safe? You don’t feel safe? Why? We got the best set of bodyguards in the world!” There was a look in his eyes I couldn’t place anywhere. He almost seemed unbelieving, sceptic. So I decided to prove my point.

“Remember, when Q got you out of that mall, when all those fans came running down at us? You were screaming like a little baby!’’

“Was not!” I raised one eyebrow at him. No it wasn’t true, he was actually screaming like a little baby girl. But I didn’t tell him that, because he still held the gun in his hands.

“Well B-Rok, I am thrilled you are always thinking about safety, but what do you say you give that gun to me, and I’ll put it away safely for you?” I used a tone my dad used at me when I was younger and I was trying to cover my bread with a thick layer of peanut-butter, flinging my kitchen knife in all different directions. If that doesn’t seem like an accurate description, try to think about what would happen when clumsy ol’ Brian shoots himself in the knee by accident. I have seen him tumbling off the stage, running into persons and stumbling over his own feet on regular basis, even saw him play rugby once, which he finished with a whole new collection of colourful bruises. Prudence was not in his dictionary.

“What? No! Why?” Brian had questioned.

“For one, what if Baylee sees it? What if he touches it?” Baylee was only 2 years old, almost 3, and he would have no clue what to do with a 9mm, but mentioning his little boy sure seemed to work when I saw Brian frown deeply. Without a further word, he handed me the metal weapon. I sighed in relief. I didn’t like the idea of Brian with a gun. I still don’t, but with a whole different reason now.

“Howard?”

“Hmmm?”

“Please don’t tell anyone?” I had smiled. I had thought he was too embarrassed and wanted to keep it a secret. I was thrilled, though I was by no means untrustworthy, people usually didn’t share their secrets with me. Only AJ did, but AJ shared his secrets with everybody.

“Okay, Bri, you got it.”

I feel so stupid now. I should have told at least Kevin. He would have known what to do, he always does. I had put the gun away in one of the nightstand drawers of the hotel room, and never thought about it again. In fact, as far as I know, it’s still there.

I wish I had interrogated him more about the weapon, cause looking at him now, I am almost certain about what he would have actually done with it.