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Author's Chapter Notes:

i don't know if i should continue. I had this whole idea for the story, but I'm just not sure if i can pull it off... What do you guys think? Let me know please, I'm desperate :(

1.       LOST AT MIDNIGHT

 

I suck at math. My high school math teacher and I were not the best of friends. He used to get frustrated with me as I couldn’t seem to understand anything he’d tell me.

The numbers on the note have been giving me a headache for over four weeks and I am this close to giving up. I’ve tried to sum them up, subtract them, multiply and divide them, but nothing seems to make any sense. Whenever Brian decides to be cryptic with numbers, you are never gonna figure it out. Because I’m just not a mathematician, but I know Brian would like to be. Oh well, his algebra may be better, but his Spanish still sucks. He always had a thing for numbers and mathematical problems, and so does AJ. But I know that both are not gonna help me figure out the note.

We’ve all taken the things that happened four weeks ago differently, but I guess eventually it’s all the same. At first there was shock and disbelief, and above all a sense of indescribable fear. Not only from us, but from the rest of the world as well. Brian’s attempt had gone all over the world in no time. But he was mostly described as just another popstar unable to take the stress of the popstar life. He was just another celebrity found almost dead in his hotel room, like so many before him. The fans had sent us tons of letters and cards expressing their sadness and impiety. I know they mean well, but all it did is turn the sadness into anger. I can’t help but wondering why the whole group is falling apart. First Kevin leaves, then Brian decides life’s not worth living anymore, Nick takes off to God knows where and AJ makes a big deal out of stating the Backstreet Boys don’t exist anymore. He makes it pretty clear he doesn’t want to have anything to do with the rest of us anymore, so I can forget about his help with my mathematical problem.

 

15th of November 2005

Brian would die, I was so sure of it. It was well past midnight when they stabilized him enough to bring him to a hospital. in a perfect world I would have been allowed to go with them, but the world had yet proven to be a cold and dark place again, so I had to stay behind. I have never felt more alone than I did the moment I saw the paramedics bring Brian out of the room. Once they were gone, I came to my senses and stormed after them. They took the elevator, but I figured the stairs would be faster. Once I reached the twelfth floor, I changed my mind though. I forgot about the panic I felt and started thinking about everything  else. I concluded Nick and AJ had a right to know what was going on as well, so I dashed through the hallway of the twelfth floor, in search of their rooms.

Nick’s came in view first, and as I started banging on his door, screaming for him to open the door, I could hear him shuffling around, mumbling sulkily.

“What?!”

“Nick… I… Brian… he… we… and then…” I could read in Nick’s expression that he didn’t understand, as he watched me with a funny look on his face. I only then realized what I must have looked like. I was standing in front of his door, wearing pyjama’s, on my bare feet, and my hands still covered with Brian’s blood. Nick shrunk back, his eyes widening.

“The hell did you do?!” he yelled at me. 

That was my signal to blurt everything out at once, my flood of words hit him like a ton of bricks and he kept on shaking his head throughout the whole story. There were tears of disbelief in his eyes and he was shaking by the time I told him the scary thoughts that had spooked through my head when Brian had stopped breathing.

“No…” was all he managed to say, swaying unsteadily on his feet. I gripped him by his arms and decided the moment had come to be strong, and to finely tell Nick what to do, because he seemed at a total loss.

“Nick, he’s not dead yet! We gotta get AJ and then we’ll go to the hospital okay? It’s gonna be alright.” Nick was only 25, not used to situations like these (neither was I, but that was out of the equation right then) and seemed on the verge of freaking out.

“Howard, if this is one of your jokes, to scare me off, I’ll kill you…” his threat got lost in his shaky voice and he looked like he was desperate to hear me tell him it was just a joke, that I sure scared the crap out of him, and that we were all able to sleep ‘til the next morning. If it were only that simple…

“Nick, I wish to God I am only joking, but I’m not. Brian might be dying and we gotta go.”

There was no point in elaborating the conversation and I dragged him out of his room, well on my way to AJ’s, when I heard him say he didn’t want to go with us.

Excuse Me???

“I’m not going!”

“You don’t have a choice, now come on!” I was already at AJ’s door, bringing my fist up to bang on it, when Nick started to cry. Great, I had only been the eldest of the group for two weeks, and I already made Nicky cry… How I wish Kevin was here…

AJ must have heard the commotion cause the door opened and revealed a somewhat angry looking AJ McLean, wearing nothing but his boxers. The same expression  appeared on his face as on Nick’s, not even ten minutes before. I imagine seeing me in pyjamas with bloody hands and Nick crying a few feet away from me, was grasping his attention like it should.

“Oh, this better be good.”

I was thinking of ways how to explain things best, cause I knew AJ needed a different approach than Nick. But Nick beat me to it.

“Brian tried to kill himself!” he cried out. Sure Nick, don’t sugar coat it.

I didn’t think AJ would be that quick to get fully convinced and I was right. He watched Nick quizzically and then he turned to me.

“Is he drunk?” he asked in a bored tone, “what the hell are you two doing at my door in the middle of the night looking like that? Dude, is that blood?!” He pointed at me.

Well, it was now or never.

“It’s not my blood.”

“What the fuck happened?!!” I didn’t have time for this, we needed to get to the hospital. frustrated I opened my mouth and then…

“Brian tried to kill himself!” Nick repeated, sounding a lot more convincing this time, a lot more angry too. It seemed to work as well. Stunned, AJ looked at me for confirmation. I looked away and nodded ever so slightly.

Fuck! I just talked to him this afternoon!” He yelled, bringing his hands up to his face.

“Take it easy, Alex, it might not even be so bad.” I lied, and he knew it.

“Don’t screw with me D, we’re talking about B-Rok, he’s never gonna kill himself! Joke’s over, I ain’t buying it!” He desperately screamed, forcing me to defy him.

“I’m not joking McLean! I just saw him! I know what he did!” I yelled equally as loud and noticed Nick getting restless behind me. AJ opened his mouth, thought for a moment, looked at my appearance, then at Nick’s sad face, and finally he couldn’t deny it much longer and closed his mouth.

“But why?” he cried

“I wish I knew.” I watched as all the anger and denial fell from his face and were replaced by shock and misunderstanding. I knew he believed me, he just couldn’t belief what happened. Stepping backwards, he bowed his head.

“How’d he do it?”

“We don’t have time for this! He could be dead for all we know!” Nick yelled at us.

“Nick’s right, we need to get going.” I stated. Nick’s right?

“Okay, let me put on some clothes first,” AJ sighed, turned around and disappeared from view.

“You may want to put on something else too,” Nick pointed at me and I knew he didn’t just mean the pyjama.

“Right, see you in ten minutes, don’t be late!” I warned him.

 

Fifteen minutes later we were all packed in AJ’s SUV. He brought one on every studio trip we did, so we would always have a car of our own. He drove in silence, with a grim expression on his face. I had told him the details while we were waiting for Nick. Needless to say, he didn’t like it. Hadn’t said a word after I finished talking.

“Do you think he’s gonna make it?” Nick asked me.

“I don’t know, Nicky.” I answered in all honesty.

“I didn’t ask what you knew, I asked what you thought.’’ His reasoning didn’t make any sense, but I couldn’t get myself to keep my mouth shut.

“I think he will, Frack.” He looked at me with big, blue eyes, that just needed comfort and guidance, two things I couldn’t give them. That’s Brian’s job.

“What are they gonna do to him?” he asked, fearful again.

“Who?”

“The doctors.”

“I don’t know.”

“They’re gonna pump his stomach dry, see if there’s anything worth saving left.” AJ spat. The hate and anger burning in his voice and in his eyes. My concern for him grew bigger. It all seemed like  something he was familiar with. “Probably not,” he added in a hushed tone, believing only he could hear it.

“He’s gonna be just fine!” I yelled trough the car, preventing Nick from total panic.

To my surprise Nick didn’t panic, he just sat back in the backseat and asked in a monotone voice: “Are we there yet?”

“Almost.” The hospital sign was already visible and AJ seemed to be driving faster and faster as we got closer.

Once we reached our destination, Nick stormed out of the car without waiting for AJ to park it. I followed him into the emergency room and together we stormed at the service desk. The young man at the desk looked at us with worry.

“Can I help you, gentlemen?” He had a bit of a Latin accent.

“Yeah, maybe, I don’t know…” Nick hesitated and I took over.

“Has there been anyone that was brought in for a supposed suicide attempt?” I could see Nick flinch as I spoke the words out loud.

“Umm, yeah, about forty-five minutes ago. They’re in trauma room number 4, but I can’t allow you to go there… they’re still working on him…” It sounded like music to my ears, they’re still working on him, it meant he wasn’t dead yet.

“Please, I just need to know if he’s gonna be okay, please, let me see him,” Nick pleaded.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you anything about his condition. A doctor will speak with you two, or three,” he said when he saw AJ tramp towards us, looking very pissed off, “in the meantime you can sit in the waiting room.”

We did as we were told. Defying hospital policy wouldn’t help anybody, we knew that, but still we couldn’t help but try to steal sneaky glances at trauma room number 4 every once in a while. We waited in silence, we waited for answers, for life, or for death. We waited in silence, saw other people in the ER, which thankfully wasn’t so crowded at 2 am, who whispered and pointed at us. Normally I didn’t mind getting recognized. In fact, it usually made me proud, but at that night, I just wanted to hide. Wanted to be somewhere far away, in a world where my friends wouldn’t be stupid enough to try such a stunt as suicide.

“Who’s gonna call Leighanne?” AJ broke the silence with a question none of us had wanted to ask.

Leighanne thought her husband was perfect. She was very insensible when it came to his sorrows and fears. But then again, I think we all were. I didn’t know if she could live with the thought of what happened that night.

“I’ll do it.” Nick stood up and stretched his way too long legs. He surprised me for the second time that night. “Can I borrow your phone?” Looking at me he reached out his hand. I handed him my phone, which I had on me all the time.

When he came back, he looked even more pale then he did before. It seemed like he had been yelled at, cause he always made the same face when Kevin went off at him.

“She’s on her way.” He slumped down on the chair furthest away and didn’t say anything ‘til the doctor came in.

“Morning young men, my name is dr. Rosswes, are y’all with Brian Littrell?” he had a thick Southern accent. Brian would have loved that. After AJ and I had nodded obediently, he took a chair and sat in front of us. Nick decided he would probably get more information if he got closer, and he pushed his chair with a loud, scraping sound towards us.

“Well,” he sighed and I already knew what was coming. “I’m afraid I don’t have very good news.” Oh my God, he’s dead!

“Brian has taken a lot of medication tonight. We did our best to get most of it out of his stomach before it could do any damage, but I fear that there is still a great amount of drugs that entered his system. That and the blood loss could be fatal.”

“Could be?” I could hear the spark of hope in Nick’s voice.

“I’m sorry, but I’m afraid he’s not gonna make it through the night…”

 

And here we are, about thirty nights later, and he’s still alive. Well, sort of… somewhat…

Dr. Rosswes wasn’t right, Brian made it through that night, and the next and the next. I don’t know how, or why he would even bother. He didn’t get any better though. But he hasn’t gotten worse either, though I think any worse state than this is death. He’s been in a coma for four weeks now, and nothing has changed. He’s still getting those horrible seizures, indicating that the poisonous drugs have done their job. They destroyed nearly everything in him, leaving him bleeding, making him go through yet another surgery. It won’t be long ‘til he dies on the table, I keep telling myself that, but it hasn’t happened yet. I know the doctors have no idea as to what to do with him and I keep on wondering if it’s fair to keep him suffering like this. I know he did this all to himself, but can’t we at least fulfil his wishes and let him go? I wonder that all the time, as I sit beside him. I haven’t done anything else these past four weeks. I’ve been so focused on finding answers that I never realized that maybe, just maybe there are no answers. Not in the way I’ve been searching them anyway…

 

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It’s my last hope, but I can’t figure out my last hope…