1.       OUT OF HAND, OUT OF CONTROL

What do we do, when there’s nothing we can do? Where do we go, when there’s nowhere left to go? Who can we tell our story to, when nobody believes us? When all else fails, can we really say we tried everything we could? Was it out of our power? Is everything we have accomplished up ‘til this point all just a shadow of what we’re supposed to be? Can we ever really look someone in the eye and say goodbye? Is there any way to justify the fact that we’re about to end someone else’s life? Cause if there is, I don’t want to know it. I used to believe in things like God. I used to believe that the good guys would always win. I used to say that I was a believer. I used to, but I don’t anymore.

20th of December 2005

The moment we figured out the note, I had felt ecstatic, but a moment later, when I read the words ‘HELP ME’ over and over again, there was a sinking feeling in my stomach. Brian’s desperate cry for help was still in Nick’s hands, and he was looking at me. I looked back. Neither of us said a word, just thinking all the countless questions we didn’t dare to ask aloud. The words were clear as daylight, but they just didn’t make any sense. Why did Brian need any help? And what was so important that he needed to hide it in a code? If he needed help, why not write it down on a note in huge letters? Why hide it?

It were the questions I knew for sure Nick was thinking of as well.  We had decided we would go back to New Jersey together the next day. Apparently Nick was sick of denying the truth, though we didn’t know what the truth was anymore.

Nick had taken me back to the apartment he had rented. It was old, creaky and dirty, but it was all that I had expected from Nick. He offered me his bed, but I insisted I would do just fine on the couch, cause Nick’s bed was a paradise of filth. Don’t get me wrong, I love the kid, but he should work on his personal hygiene level.

That night I went to ‘bed’ with renewed hope and I felt motivated again. I knew I had Nick on my team now, as he seemed equally as fanatical as I to find the truth. And we’ll find it. I’m certain of it. We might be too late, but we’ll help Brian the way he had asked us to.

21st of December 2005

We got back in New Jersey late in the morning. I hate New Jersey and I must admit, Livingston is a depressing city. There’s nothing here but rain, cranky faces and dying friends.

I dragged Nick to the hospital with me. He hates hospitals, but I can’t have him running away again, we’re in this together now. I still felt ecstatic with the new information we had received from the note. It was like getting to a higher level in a video game you used to be stuck in. It felt like we finally accomplished something in my personal investigation.

When we entered the Intensive Care Unit though, the whole atmosphere seemed to be turning around instantly. Everyone was there…

Apprehensively I approached Kevin, who sat hunched over on one of the waiting room chairs. Nick followed closely behind.  The former Backstreet Boy sat with his head in his hands and had clearly not noticed us coming in. I saw other people as well, even Leighanne was there, tears streaming down her face, and there was only one conclusion I could make.

“Shit! No!” I knew it would happen one day, but that didn’t mean I would ever be ready for it.

Kevin looked up at me, he also had tears in his eyes. Standing up, he took me and Nick out of the room. He kept silence the whole way and I knew immediately where  we were going. Desperately I tried to prepare myself for what we were about to see. When we arrived at the door to Brian’s room, the feeling of distress overwhelmed me. Kevin opened the door silently, but neither Nick nor I got into the room. We didn’t want to face the truth.

“Brian had another seizure last night. It lasted for two minutes, then he flat-lined.” I heard Kevin say in an emotionless, monotonous voice. I felt Nick shuffle past me, as he had made up his mind and got into the room. Kevin stared at me and saw the fear in my eyes.

“The doctors got him back just in time.” He said simply.

My mouth fell open. “He’s alive?!”

“No Howard, you cannot call this alive anymore.” But still…

“What are you saying?”

“Right after they brought him back, they told me they couldn’t keep doing this forever, and I agree with them. That’s why I called everyone in here, to make a decision.” I knew where this was going to, and suddenly felt sick.

“No! Just no!”

“Howie, you’ve been by his side for almost two months, you know he’s not getting any better…”

“But…”

“Maybe it’s just better to let him go. That’s what he wanted after all.”

“No! You don’t understand, Kev! I can’t have been too late! I need to help him! He was asking for help, man, we just didn’t realize it! I need to find out what really happened! I need to save him!” I didn’t make any sense, I know that.

“You can’t save him, D. No one can. Finding out what happened, won’t bring him back…” Kevin said softly.

Finally, after two months, reality seemed to hit me. I had told myself for so long that Brian was not getting better, but still, somewhere in the back of my mind a little, irrational voice had told me that if only I could find out what caused Brian’s suicide, everything would magically turn out alright. Brian would be fine and we would all live happily ever after. It had become a mission, a personal goal, almost close to a religion to me. I had spent all my time to something that wouldn’t make a difference, cause Brian would still end up dead in the end.

Reality grabbed me by my throat and I sacked against the wall, into a chair.  Choking on the sobs that overtook my body, I brought my hands up to my face and cried out in grief. Vaguely I felt Kevin slumping down in the chair beside me and he wrapped his long arms around me. We sat there for a long time, ‘til a new question popped into my head.

“Who’s got to make the final decision?”

“Harold,” Kevin said resignedly. I nodded silently. But secretly I got new hope, cause I knew Harold would never give up on his little brother without a fight.