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yay, I'm rather proud of this chapter, so... yay!

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  1. Seeking What Was Lost

Brian scoffed discontent, his nostrils flaring as he watched sulkily how the other three disappeared from sight, parting in every direction and leaving him on the seventh floor by himself. He felt useless. After a brief consultation that he’d been excluded from, Harry had decided that they shouldn’t have Brian wandering throughout the mall on his own, and what if Baylee decided to come back here? So maybe there was some truth in his words, but that didn’t mean he had to agree with it, did it? Why did he always have to listen to Harold anyway? He was sick of it. He was sick of people supposedly knowing what was best for him, his whole life through. Didn’t he get a say so? Wasn’t this supposed to be his life?

Sighing, he leaned his head back on the bench next to the fountain, letting the cool water spatter his warm forehead. He reached inside his pocket, feeling his fingers wrap around the small bottle of pain pills. He closed his eyes, hating himself for becoming so depended on painkillers whenever he’d just had a chemo, but he knew that without them, the pain would become unbearable. Now he just had to make sure he kept his mind sedated at all times. He remembered that one time he had forgotten to bring the pills and shuddered, not wanting to recall the explosive agony that had been given free access inside his skull that day. It had been the first and the last time he’d been forced to experience the hallucinations a brain tumour could cause, and it had surely taken a lot for him to realize that he wasn’t losing his mind. That the horrific images his evil brain had been showing him, weren’t real. He had been that close to falling into complete insanity. He cursed the moment. The moment that had started the nightmare all over again. Just when he’d thought he’d been clean, free and healthy, the cancer had reared its ugly head to bring him down once and for all. Exactly four months after the surgery, his head had split open to tell him that no, he was not alright. Four months of careless happiness, four months of beautiful facilitation. All ripped apart in one swift moment of dizziness, pain, and every horror character he’d ever seen in a movie. He remembered the pure terror that had washed over him, barely able to hear Leighanne’s frantic voice above the chaos and finally he’d blacked out. Waking up in a hospital had made him realize that yep, it was on again and he and his wife had listened numbly to the instructions of his oncologist, instructions he was already familiar with, but this time, they were a lot less optimistic.

With a deep breath, he leaned back forward, letting his head rest on his hands. He wondered why it was so warm in here when it was October. It was October, wasn’t it? Checking his watch just to be sure, he looked up, seeing two women staring and pointing at him from a distance, a shocked look on their faces.

Fuck.

With a half-hearted smile, he acknowledges them with a nod of his head, hoping that they wouldn’t take that as an invitation to come over. He could almost imagine the conversation that he must have provoked out of the two ladies.

“Isn’t that…?”

“Nah, that can’t be him, I haven’t seen him down in Atlanta for ages!”

“It does look a little like him…”

“I guess, I’ve seen him in better days though…”

“Didn’t he leave the Backstreet Boys a while ago?”

“I don’t know, did he?”

“Yeah, wonder what he’s been up to, poor dear looks like he’s gonna fall over any minute.”

“Yeah, they do turn the heat up in this mall. It’s like a sauna in here.”

“Let’s go say hi! See if he’s okay.”

“No! What if it isn’t him?”

“Good point… well, it doesn’t hurt to try now, does it?”

Sure enough, from the corner of his eye he saw them hesitantly walking towards his spot on the bench. He watched them, pondering, admitting that he had worked himself into this mess and wondering how he could get himself out, without causing disastrous consequences.

Double damn.

Up ‘til this point, he had miraculously disappeared from the public eye, leaving the Backstreet Boys with an unknown cause. It had led the media into thinking the most wildest things, but it all came down to one in particular. The Fight. He couldn’t say that they were wrong. There had been a fight, even the other boys had confirmed that. But there had been so much more. Nobody had ever given the press the real reason behind The Fight, and Brian was glad for that. When he had found out how the media had fallen over the Swine Flu, like lions, he’d been kind of scared how they would react to something much worse like, oh how about a brain tumour? It seemed a little funny now, thinking about the Swine Flu. He remembered how miserable he’d felt those three days. It all seemed extremely blown out of proportion though, when he thought about how miserable he felt every three weeks now. It was like having a monthly Swine Flu. If people only knew about that... He’d been able to keep it as quiet as possible, only informing the people closest to him, and barely getting out into public places. Right now he was reminded why it was so important to lay low.

“Hi, umm Brian?” he heard the tallest ask uncertainly. Well, I can always deny, he thought, but it wasn’t in his nature to do so.

“I… uhmm, yeah, hi,” he admitted, looking down.

“Oh my God!” she exclaimed, “It is you! I haven’t seen you in like, forever! I’m Kathy, remember?”

Of course he didn’t remember. He wouldn’t even remember if there wasn’t a tumour eating away at his memory, but for her sake, he narrowed his eyes, as if deep in thought and finally shook his head carefully.

“No, sorry,” he finally apologized.

“Ah, that’s okay. I wouldn’t remember me either,” she smiled at him. Great, now go away. But of course they didn’t leave immediately and he found them staring at him curiously.

“Something wrong?” he asked rather curtly. It caused the two women to frown a little.

“I don’t know, I mean, are you okay?” the other one spoke up tentatively.

Suspiciously he looked at her, contemplating his answer. “Fine. Why?”

“I’m not sure, you look a little, err, tired,” she finally stated, looking uncertainly at his baseball cap.

He sat back, put his cap right, suddenly very self-conscious, and waved her off as sturdily as he could. “Nah, it’s alright. Just a little hot in here, don’t you think so?”

“Not in particular…” she hesitated, “What brings you here anyway?”

Thinking for a moment, he tried to remember how he’d ended up in this sauna-like mall, but drew a blank. It must have been something important, otherwise he would never have come here.

“I’m… waiting… for… someone,” he informed slowly. Yeah, that was it! He was waiting for his brother, because… because he’d run off somewhere with two other people, to… And they’d left Brian sitting here all on his own! Resolutely, he stood up, apologizing to the two women that, sorry, but he really needed to go now and that it was nice meeting them. He watched them walk away hesitantly with a slight frown on their faces.

                Slowly he began to recall Harry’s words from earlier. “You stay here, don’t move, don’t even scratch your nose!” Like he was some little kid that needed to be reprimanded. Like he’d done something wrong! He stood up, walking away from the fountain. It felt a little bad to do so. He’d never ignored a direct order from Harold, not when he had been a child, not when he’d grown a little older. For all times, Harry was boss, and Brian needed to do what Harry told him to. Harold had decided that all on his own when he’d been nine, and Brian was six. Brian didn’t have a choice but to obey, and as it turned out, Harry did know what was best. Most of the time.

Not now. Now it was taking too damn long for Harry and his friends to return. Mom will be mad if we don’t get home on time, Brian thought absently, wondering why he always got excluded from Harry’s little adventures. He began wandering along the various shops that came in sight. So what if he moved? He would still stay on the same floor, he figured, as he didn’t like to take the elevator all on his own. Elevators are evil.

 

February 2008

Finally, the concert was over. He was looking forward to take his wife and child back to their hotel suite, and crawl deep underneath the covers and call it a night. Sure, concerts had always been exhausting, but this was the fifth night in a row, and he felt fried. Why they planned the whole Asia version of the Unbreakable tour into three small weeks, was beyond him, but tight schedules were nothing new, and he figured that it would probably never change.

Wiping the sweat of his face with a towel, he saw Nick smiling tiredly at him. And if even Nick was tired, it was no wonder that he felt like he’d run a marathon. Nick said something to him and Brian took off his earpieces in one quick, practiced motion and raised his eyebrows, indicating for Nick to repeat himself. Jokingly, Nick rolled his eyes and gestured with his hand towards the dark area backstage.

“Looks like your family made a run for it, before the show even ended,” he informed with a laugh.

Brian didn’t laugh, looking around in confusion. Normally Leighanne would be here waiting for him, complementing him on a good show or comforting him if things hadn’t gone the way he’d planned. But now she was nowhere to be seen. He heard Nick laugh at the bewildered expression that surely displayed on his face, but ignored him. When he turned around, he saw the group’s bodyguard, Q, walking towards him and involuntarily took a step back. Q was a big man, and although Brian knew that the bodyguard had nothing evil on his mind, it was still a little unsettling seeing the giant trudge towards him.

“Hey Q, you’ve seen Leighanne?”

“Yeah, that’s what I came to tell you,” the bodyguard halted mid step. “She’s looking for you.”

“And it didn’t occur to her that maybe I’d be here?” Brian wondered out loud.

“Hell if I know, she seemed a little… panicked,” Q stated seriously.

Brian’s frown grew deeper and he slipped past the bodyguard, looking towards the door.

“Where is she?”

“Down the hall, but you better…” he didn’t hear the rest of what Q had to say, walking, almost running down the hallway, in search of his wife. He felt the panic creeping up. Maybe something had happened? Without watching where he was going, he bumped into the first person that crossed the corner.

“Leigh!” he exclaimed, relieved.

“Brian! Oh God, is Baylee with you? Please tell me Baylee’s with you!” she sounded nervous and out of breath and Brian could instantly tell what was going.

“No… don’t tell me you lost him,” he warned, his eyes narrowing.

“I… I didn’t, he slipped from underneath me arms and ran, I tried to follow him, but he suddenly vanished…” she explained lamely.

“Children don’t just vanish, Leighanne, but you need to watch them!” he informed her, livid. “I can’t believe this…”

He could feel the fear settling deep within him. The place would soon be swarming with fans, coming down of the concert’s high, and what if they didn’t see the little boy wandering through the hallways with them? Or worse. What if they did?

Tensing up, he shove himself past his wife and started the panicked search for his son. He cursed the arena’s size, wishing it had happened anywhere, anywhere but here.  Tokyo Dome is huge! Running along the hallways, the singing gear still attached on him, he frantically called out to his boy. Time after time he didn’t get an answer and felt the overwhelming fear and desperation wash over him. suddenly he stood still, sharpening his ears. He could hear the crowd of excited women coming his way and instantly turned around for a way out. Cursing his bad luck, he could hear people coming from the other way too, and decided that his only way out was taking the elevator up, hopefully before they noticed he was there. Frantically pushing the button, remembering the fear of elevators he’d had when he was younger, he prayed to everything he believed in, for the elevator the hurry the hell up. Grateful for the soft cling of the lift, he jumped inside the steel cage, shot off like a rocket.

He reached the second floor fairly quickly and flew out of the elevator, past a lady with a notebook that was looking quite sternly at him.

“No running in these hallways! What is it with you men?” she sounded frustrated, but he really couldn’t care less. He needed to hide somewhere, anywhere before the crowd would be on the second floor too. Entering the first room that wasn’t locked, he faced the door he’d just closed with a loud slam, panting. That’s when he heard the excited, giggling squeal. Oh no, they’re in here too!

Slowly turning around, he was met by the beaming smile of his five year old son, dancing happily around him.

“Bay?” he questioned, bewildered.

“Yay, you found me, daddy!” Baylee exclaimed excitedly. “Wanna play again?”

 

October 2015

“Dad?” he heard someone ask suddenly. He turned around slowly.

“Bay?” he questioned, bewildered.

Without a word, getting out from behind the potted tree, Baylee flung his arms around his father’s neck, pressing his young face into Brian’s chest. Hesitantly, Brian returned the embrace, feeling his son sobbing against him. Softly, he peeled Baylee off of him and stared into his bloodshot, blue eyes.

“Baylee, what happened?” 

 

 

Chapter End Notes:

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