1. Selfishly

He’d never known fear like this existed. He put his heavy head on Nick’s good shoulder and stared absentmindedly at the cartoon displayed on the TV in the waiting room. The Backstreet Boy hadn’t moved in over an hour and Baylee figured Nick had probably zoned out completely, staring off into space with a pained expression in his eyes. Baylee felt sorry for him. It hadn’t been his fault, the doctor had assured that, but it didn’t seem to get through to Nick.

Baylee had locked himself in his room, had grabbed his iPhone and put on the hardest music he could find. He’d done that for the past six days, trying to escape into the harsh tones of the electric guitars. He’d covered himself in the blankets on his bed and had closed his eyes, letting himself float on the rhythmic melodies, completely forgetting about the rest of the world.

He’d frozen in terror when he could hear his father’s agonized scream even above the heavy notes on his phone. Instead of finding out what was going on, he’d gotten scared, covering his head under the covers, holding his breath. He’d shut off the music and listened intently. He heard Nick’s soft voice apologizing over and over again, trying to calm the sick man on the bed down, but it didn’t work and Baylee had heard Dad scream again. Cautiously, he’d climbed out of bed and ventured out of his room. In front of his father’s room, he’d stood still, trying to collect the courage that was needed to open the door. When he finally did, he only needed a split second to know that something was totally wrong. Nick was standing with his back facing Baylee, trying to keep his father down, who was writhing in pain. Baylee had gasped in horror and Nick had turned around, startled. He’d yelled for him to call 911 and Baylee had been so nervous that he’d forgotten the number momentarily. He’d dialled it nevertheless and immediately handed the phone to Nick’s waiting hand. After that everything had went in a blur, and now they were here, and Baylee concluded that he’d been here far too often, waiting for the moment they were allowed to see Dad.

Dr Witter had reassured the two waiting people in the room that Dad should be fine in a little while, claiming that if they had brought him in a few days earlier, this whole thing probably wouldn’t have happened. He’d promised that after they were finished running tests, Nick and Baylee could come in and see Dad.

“Nick, Baylee!” Baylee looked up when he heard his name and saw uncle Harold and Mom scurry through the waiting room. “Any news yet?”

“Yeah, he’s gonna be alright,” Baylee answered uncertainly when Nick stayed silent.

“Nick? You okay dude?” uncle Harold asked, “Nick!” He put a hand on the Backstreet Boy’s back and Nick jerked up as if he was burnt.

“Yeah, yeah,” he babbled, confused. “What? What is it?”

“I asked if you were alright. You seemed a little… far away…” uncle Harry stated, unsure.

“I’m fine, thank you,” Nick replied and fell silent again.

“Can someone tell me what the hell happened?” Mom suddenly called out.

“I… he was hallucinating. Screaming things I couldn’t understand. Asking me if I was scared. Told me to stop talking, but I wasn’t even saying a damn thing!” Nick rushed frustrated. He was talking so fast that Baylee had to strain his ears to keep up with him. “He scared the hell outta me, saying that it was the end and asking if it hurt. He was in so much pain! Why would he ask me if it hurt?”

A heavy silence followed, the people in the room trying to fathom what had happened. Nick sank down on the plastic chair again, frowning deeply.

“Hallucinating?” Mom asked incredulously, “But… but, he’s got pills for that…” she stated, raising her eyebrows and Baylee watched Nick’s eyes get big.

“I… I’m sorry!” he cried out after a heavy pause.

“No,” Mom mumbled menacingly, “No, you didn’t…” she left the sentence linger in the air, looking at Nick for an explanation.

“I was too late,” Nick replied, hanging his head.

“You were what?” Mom exploded. Baylee could already see where this was going.

“I just…” there was a silence and Nick looked at the ground.

“I want you to leave… now…” Mom sounded threatening, clenching her teeth.

Nick nodded and stood up slowly.

“I’m sorry…”

“Get out!” she screamed madly.

“He didn’t mean to be late! It was an accident!” Baylee defended desperately. Dr Witter had explained that the pills wouldn’t have mattered, that Dad had been too weak to resist the hallucinations caused by the tumour. Besides, Nick had only been thirty minutes late. The doctor had said that that shouldn’t have made a difference. He’d once again informed them that it wouldn’t have happened if Brian had come to the hospital sooner.

“An accident?” Mom yelled, livid, “He almost got my husband killed!”

“So what?” Baylee cried, outraged. “It’s not like you care!”’

December2014

The buzzer rang, but he was playing Nintendo, so he wasn’t about to get up. This level was tricky and whoever was at the gate, would have to have patience.

The buzzer rang again, more persistent and he sighed. There are priorities Baylee. Right now his priority was getting through level 12.

When the buzzer rang a third time, he heard Dad yell from upstairs, “Baylee! Answer it!”

Why did he always have to answer the intercom? Or better yet, why was there never anybody at the gate when the maid was home? She could answer it, that’s her job! But of course, Eliza wasn’t ever there when you needed her, and Baylee got up from the couch he’d been laying lazily on and wandered into the kitchen. He thought about waiting, letting it ring again. Dad would surely freak out then and Baylee grinned.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

“Damnit, Baylee Littrell, I’m not asking again!’’ Surely enough, Dad yelled again. You’re so predictable, Daddy.

Blandly, he pushed the intercom button and said his name, waiting for the other person to answer. “Baylee here, who’s this? Can I help you?” he asked sweetly.

“Uhh, it’s Larry…”

“I don’t know no Larry,” Baylee answered and wanted to hang up.

“Wait, I spoke to your mother? Leighanne?” Larry said hesitantly.

“Oh okay, she’s in the backyard, hold on.”

Taking his finger away from the intercom, he brought his hands up to make his words louder. “Dad?” he yelled.

“What?”

“Larry’s here! Should I open the gate?”

“I don’t know no Larry!” Dad concluded loudly. “He one of your friends?”

“No, he’s here for Mom!” Baylee explained. It was always the same. Whenever there was someone on the intercom, you could bet your house that a very loud conversation would follow.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Let him through!” Dad ordered and Baylee pushed the gate’s button. By now he was kind of curious about this Larry guy and wandered outside to subject the dude to an inspection. He wasn’t impressed.

Larry was short, had blond, greasy hair, worn in a ponytail and had the oldest mutt of a car Baylee had ever seen. Smiling scornfully at the man, he could tell Larry was probably just a little older than Dad and Baylee watched him curiously, wondering what he was doing here.

                “Hey,” he greeted curtly.

“Hey buddy! You must be Baylee right!” Larry said the words just a little bit too friendly and Baylee narrowed his eyes.

“Duh, oh and I’m twelve by the way,” he informed the man sternly and motioned to the backyard. “Mom’s somewhere over there. Will you find her on your own, or do you need help?”

Larry looked a little taken aback and Baylee smiled wickedly. He didn’t like this guy from the beginning and didn’t feel much for it to be forced to search his mother in the big garden. Besides, he had a videogame to finish.

November 2015

“Nick! Nick, wait up!” he yelled, scampering after the big man. He’d figured that if Mom made Nick leave, he’d go with him. Nick didn’t look up though, just kept walking along the hallways, his head low.

“Nick!” Baylee shouted frustrated, one more time.

“Baylee, go back!” Nick yelled back, angry and Baylee stood still.

“Fine! Just run away!” He watched Nick halting and turning resolutely.

“It’s better if I leave. I’m only causing trouble,” the taller man mumbled quietly.

“Well, I do admit that it has been a lot quieter before you came,” Baylee replied with a smirk.

“It’s not funny. I almost got your Dad killed,” Nick pouted

“You didn’t get him killed! It wasn’t your fault! You know that!” Baylee cried out.

“You don’t understand. You’re just a kid…” Nick stated sullenly and Baylee kicked him in the leg.

“If someone says that one more time, I swear I’m gonna…” he trailed off, letting the threat hang in the air.

“What? Kick their leg?” Nick replied crankily, rubbing the sore spot.

“And what is it that I don’t understand, huh?” Baylee challenged.

“Forget it,” Nick waved him off.

“No, say it!” Baylee wasn’t gonna forget about it that easily.

“He was my responsibility, okay?” Nick explained frustrated, “I blew it…”

“Pfff, you’re not his Dad,” Baylee said incredulously.

Nick raised his eyebrows, surprised and thought for a minute. “No, you’re right, I’m not,” he concluded reluctantly, “You’re mom’s mad now though…”

“She doesn’t have the right to be mad,” Baylee replied hatefully.

“Come on, she’s still your mom…”

“I know, but sometimes…” he didn’t finish, feeling his throat closing up.

“What?” Nick asked softly.

“Nothing,” Baylee choked out.

“Say it…” the Backstreet Boy prodded gently.

“Sometimes, sometimes I just wish it was her…” Baylee stated quietly and Nick knew they were in big trouble.