1. Entirely Nothing

“What the hell did they give you?”

“Nickolas my dear, they gave me… everything,” Brian spoke slowly and slurred just a little bit. His eyes were unfocused, but bright and there was a dazed grin on his face.

“Dude, I’ve never seen you stoned like this,” Nick smiled.

“I surely did not intend on you seeing it either,” came the useless answer.

“Come on, you must have been stoned before!’’ Nick teased, laughing slightly.

“Once!” Brian cried out and shot up in his bed. Nick looked up, surprised and pushed his friend back down. It was just meant as a joke, but Brian had been awfully informative the whole time. Nick should be feeling guilty, they’d been instructed to let his friend sleep, to not wake him up. But as soon as Nick had entered the room, Brian had been fully awake and talking like there was no stopping him. Nick had to admit he was kind of enjoying it.

“When?” he asked incredulously.

“It was 1997, I had just turned 22, and we were in Holland. I guess when you’re in Holland, this kind of stuff just happens.” Brian trailed off, staring into the distance and Nick had to snap his fingers to make him focus again.

“How did it go?”

“What?”

“The stuff, what did you do?”

“When?”

“You just said you’ve been stoned in Holland, dude!” Nick explained patiently.

“Oh yeah, it was 1997, I had just…” Brian began.

“I know,” Nick cut him off, “I just wanna know what happened!”

“Oh, some dude gave us… I think it was weed…”

“Wait! Us?” Now he was really curious. Who else had been involved?

“Well yeah, it had been Kevin’s idea really…” Brian slurred and smiled brightly, “Yes, definitely.”

“Kevin was in on this?” Nick really couldn’t believe his ears.

“Yeah, I told you!” Brian answered, impatient.

“And I heard you, just having a real hard time believing it,” Nick answered, still astonished.

“I’m not lying!” Nick knew he wasn’t lying. Drunk and stoned people never were.

“I’m not saying that! Just tell me, how did it feel?” Of course Nick knew how it felt to be stoned, but he wanted to hear Brian’s version of the experience, having the feeling it could be hilarious.

“It was really weird, I mean, really really weird,” Brian explained and Nick nodded, urging his friend to continue. “There were just so many colours. And music everywhere too. The world’s a much better place when you’re stoned.”

“Yeah, I bet.”

“It feels a little like being drugged up in a hospital,” Brian stated and brought his arm up, studying the IV for a minute and eventually let it fall back again.

“Does it hurt?” Nick asked softly. Does it hurt, Brian? Are you scared, Brian? Is this the end, Brian?

Brian blinked at him, then squeezed his eyes shut. After a few seconds, he opened them again and smirked.

“No it doesn’t hurt, shut up!” he spoke slowly, “Nothing hurts. Entirely nothing.”

March 2015

“I don’t know what he does to make you cry,

But I’ll be there to make you smile

I don’t have a fancy car to get to you

I’d walk a thousand miles,”

“…”

Fuck.

It was only a matter of time really. The music continued, but the vocals didn’t and Nick looked behind him, bewildered. It didn’t take a genius to know his friend had completely blanked out on his part. Nick was only surprised that it had never happened before. Staring at the crowd, that got more and more suspicious as the seconds flew by, he waved and made a funny face. After a few more moments, he heard AJ hesitantly pick up the lines that had always been assigned to Brian.

November 2015

“Dude? Weren’t you supposed to get married?” came the sudden question and Nick looked up. Brian was looking at him expectantly.

“Uh… yeah, I guess,” he answered lamely.

“What happened? You didn’t cheat did you?” his voice sounded menacing.

“No! Of course not! Why, would that matter to you?”

“Well, I don’t suppose it’s healthy for your marriage,” Brian answered and raised his eyebrows. “Why didn’t you get married?”

“I dunno… we never found the time I guess,” he said. It was true. It was one of the lamest reasons, but it was true.

“That’s sssstupid,” Brian slurred.

“I know.”

“You’re not scared, are you?”

“No. Should I be?” Nick asked with a smile.

“Nah man, marriage is great. You’ll love it,” Brian assured him, a far-away look in his eyes.

“Brian?” Nick questioned after a few minutes of silence. His friend somehow seemed to have drifted off again.

“Huh?”

“You’re still gonna be my best man right?”

March 2015

“We can’t keep this up much longer. He can’t keep this up much longer,” he heard Kevin say seriously, but couldn’t believe his ears.

“What do you mean?” he asked, but was afraid of the answer.

“I think you know what I mean, Nickolas,” Kevin said quietly and looked him in the eyes. “It’s time we do the right thing.”

“No! He’s not leaving!” he yelled, furious. He saw Howie looking up from across the room and from the look on his face, Nick could tell that he and Kevin had already talked about it.

“Nick, think about it! AJ had to cover his part today, cause he couldn’t remember the words. We’ve sang that song for eighteen years, and he couldn’t remember it!”

“That’s not his fault!” Nick cried out. He couldn’t believe this, was that really Kevin talking?

“I know, and that’s the thing. Don’t you think it’s time we stop thinking about the band, and start thinking about what’s best for Brian?” the oldest member suggested and Nick shook his head, resolutely.

“You’re gonna think about what’s best for him? He’s not even here! Or did you already tell him about it?” He knew Kevin didn’t talk to Brian much anymore. None of them did, actually. He had been awfully introverted. Nick supposed it had something to do with the tumour growing back.

“No, I didn’t talk to him, he doesn’t talk much,” Kevin mumbled dejectedly. Howie nodded sympathetically. Nick sighed, he would have liked to know what was going on inside their heads. How were they gonna break this news to Brian? He had a feeling that AJ would be elected to do that job. AJ just had a way of blurting out stuff, so he suspected that AJ didn’t know about it either yet. It wasn’t like Nick didn’t understand where Kevin was coming from. Hell, even he had been thinking about the future too, it was kind of hard not to. He knew that Brian had to leave one day, but had always thought his friend would be able to decide on that matter by himself.

November 2015

“Bri?” Nick asked quietly, his face turning serious.

“Huh?” Brian snapped back to reality.

“Did you… did you ever cheat on a girl?” Nick questioned with a tense expression.

There was a silence that seemed to go on forever. Nick could tell his friend was getting tired more and more.

“Bri?”

“No, never,” Brian finally stated and scoffed, “They always used to cheat on me though.”

Nick flinched when he heard those words and looked away quickly.

“What?” his friend asked.

It is hard to think straight when you can feel the anger overflowing your mind. Brian has no idea. Nick did his best to keep his breathing under control, but it didn’t matter. When he looked up, he saw his friend watching him suspiciously.

“I… I can’t believe she… you…” he started and paused, “Nothing, it’s nothing.”

“You’re acting really weird dude,” Brian informed him, “What’s going on?”

“Believe me, you don’t wanna know.”