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Author's Chapter Notes:

i hope i can get to the point some time soon...

  1. Missing Conviction

                April 1993

“Look, Nicky, I know you don’t like him, but you haven’t even given him a chance.” Howie looked pissed. Nick had spent the entire day deliberately ignoring New Guy. It was becoming a little embarrassing. And it was only the first day.

“I don’t need to give him a chance, he’s not getting in our band!” Nick yelled. They were in Howie’s apartment and it was pretty obvious he shouldn’t have brought Nick there. The place was going to be a mess in no time.

“I hardly think that’s up to you! Why won’t you just give him a shot? I think he’s nice enough and Kevin says he’s a good singer.’’

“He’s a dork Howie, have you even heard him talk? It sounds stupid,” Nick was cranky, he knew that. All day long they had shown New Guy around in Orlando. The kid had watched everything with wide eyes, which made Nick guess he hadn’t ever seen the outside of Kentucky.

“You’re being ridiculously childish Nick! We can’t just throw him out because of the way he talks! He’s from Kentucky, of course he has an accent!’’

“Yeah well, Kevin’s from Kentucky too! And he dan’t taik laike tis!” Nick hadn’t really wanted to argue with Howie. Howie was nice and awesome. Out of the four of them, he had the best sense of humour.

“Kevin’s been in Orlando for three years. Brian’s accent will fade in time too.”

“It’s not just the accent, Howie. It’s everything! He doesn’t belong in a band!’’

“Because you say so?”

“I’m part of the group as well, so I get a say so,” Nick yelled. It wasn’t fair. He hated the New Guy, so why did the rest like him?

“Jesus, Nick, don’t be so selfish. You got a chance to be in this band, and so does Brian!”

“But we don’t need him! We were perfect as just four! Why do we even bother looking for a fifth member?”

“Aha, so this isn’t really about Brian at all, is it? You just don’t want any more members in the group, no matter who shows up,” Howie was looking disapprovingly at him.

“Why can’t we just be a group of four?” Nick asked softly.

“Because Lou wants five. You know that. He’s the one who asked Kevin if he knew anyone else to be a part of the group. It’s not Brian’s fault that Kevin called him. You just need to give him a chance. Look at it from his point of view, he doesn’t know anyone here, except Kevin. Do you know what it must be like for him when you won’t even talk to him? Now he must be feeling unwanted” Howie was right, Howie was always right. But that didn’t mean Nick agreed with it. Good, let him feel unwanted, cause that’s what he is.

“Well, he won’t be here long enough anyway. Tomorrow’s auditions,’’ Nick purred. And I am going to kick him out.

“I’m sure he’ll be great. You’ve heard Lou, he says Brian’s a good singer,’’ Howie was nice, too nice. It didn’t matter if New Guy was a good singer, cause he’d never be good enough. Besides, it wasn’t like he was Freddie Mercury or something, right? I sure hope not.

 

September 2015

“Look, Nicky, I know you don’t like him, but you haven’t even given him a chance.” Howie looked pissed. Howie always looked pissed these days. It seemed like there was nothing left of nice and peaceful Howard Dorough. His great sense of humour had been replaced by a stoic sadness that had completely taken over the whole group. The only jokes that were cracked were lame ones and the only pranks that were pulled were James’ and Mason’s. Howie’s son was six and didn’t really have any trouble to keep up with Kevin’s eight year old. The two kids were inseparable and it hurt Nick to watch them make a mess everywhere they went. It brought up memories he wanted to forget, like they never happened. He wanted to pretend he hadn’t lived the life he’d lived, but at the same time he wanted to remember every single detail, like that would bring everything back like it was, like it should be.

“I don’t need to give him a chance, cause he’s not getting in our band,’’ Nick spoke quietly, as to not tick Howie off. He’d been forced to walk on eggshells around the others lately, everyone getting angry in a heartbeat it seemed. The deja-vu of the conversation wasn’t getting through to them. But it didn’t matter what Howie had to say to him, Nick wouldn’t change his mind, just like he hadn’t listened to his friend all those years ago.

But this time was different, this time he wouldn’t get convinced. This time he just wanted to be left alone, he wanted to quit, go home and stay there. And if it had ever been over, it had never been this over. He wouldn’t accept anyone in the band anymore, because he wasn’t in the band anymore. Nobody knew of Nick’s plans to quit yet, but Nick was sure they would understand. They had to. Nick was convinced he had a good reason to quit, because of the reason why they even needed a New Guy. He thought the others would feel the same as him, but apparently they didn’t. It didn’t matter anyway. Go on, have a New Guy, he thought moodily. Have two New Guys… they wouldn’t be Brian, they would never be Brian, and that was reason enough.