Now
The line was thin, and he’d never been that good in balancing to begin with. There was light on one side, darkness on the other and both wanted things from him that he couldn’t give. The world wasn’t the world anymore. Instead it had morphed into this thin, endless cord, surrounded by mist. Beneath was darkness, beckoning him, come to me, it said. Above him was light, but it was too high to reach, and his fear of heights wasn’t helpful either. So he went on, trying to keep himself steady, balancing on the line. If he lost his balance, he’d fall into darkness. If he stopped walking, the line would disappear from underneath him, and he’d fall into darkness. And why shouldn’t he? But always, just when he was about to give in, he could hear the voices from the outside. And for some reason, he knew he wasn’t alone. There was more in this world that he couldn’t see, more than he could comprehend. So he kept going, although he had no idea how he’d ended up here, and knew even less how he could get out.
Today was different though, today he was just so tired. It was getting harder and harder to put one foot in front of the other, keep his focus forward, and trying not to fall. This time he was absolutely sure his head was going to explode in a matter of seconds. Why was he even doing this? Sure there were people talking to him again, but he didn’t recognize what they were saying, or even who they were. In fact, most of the time he didn’t even know who he was, or who he had been.
The words were often encouraging, loving, but ignorant. Voices from outside, that had no idea of what was really going on. Though he knew that without them, he’d have fallen a lot sooner. It was fear that kept him going, really. Fear that when he took a wrong step, something bad would happen. What that was, he did not know. Fear of the unknown.
“What’s it gonna be, Brian? What do you really want?”
He shook his head briefly, trying to keep the voices out that he knew weren’t from the outside. They housed deep within him, telling him to give it up, let himself fall, it’s not worth all this trouble, you’re not worth all this trouble.
“You are, in fact, alone, don’t you know?” they would say. “Everybody left, they don’t believe in you anymore, so why should you?” they wondered. He didn’t have a suitable answer, but didn’t want to listen to what he knew was the truth. What if the outside voices, weren’t really outside at all? It was the biggest fear of all, bigger than the pain, bigger than the numbness, bigger than the confusion was the fear, the fear that he was indeed abandoned, left to deal with this endless struggle all by himself.
I can’t do that.
He squeezed his eyes shut and stopped walking for a moment, listening intently. The voices he heard were all his own and it made him scared to death. Where was the outside? Where was the lifeline he’d been holding on for so long?
Shit.
Then
He stared at the keys that were still dangling from Nick’s fingers. Nick was giving him the easy way out, he knew that. He also knew that Nick, and probably everyone else on this planet would be very disappointed if he actually took the easy way out. Reaching out his hand, Brian wondered if he really cared about that. They were the outside, they had no idea, no freaking clue, on how it was like for him.
“What I really want?” he asked nervously and Nick nodded slowly.
What he really wanted was something not Nick, nor anybody else could ever give him. He wanted his life, and the only one who could give him that was himself. Or God. Pfft, yeah right. God got him in this situation in the first place and the man didn’t seem keen on getting him back out.
Swiftly, he snatched the car keys from Nick’s hand and watched the stone expression on the younger man’s face turn into a defeated one. He fumbled the keys a little in his fingers, contemplating on what to do. Suddenly he threw them back at Nick. “I want you to drive me to the lake,” he commented softly and watched Nick’s eyebrows shoot up in question.
“Wha…?”
“Just get in the car.”
January 2016
No no no, not now, not now! It was the everlasting mantra raging through Nick’s mind as he walked up and down the hallway outside of the hospital room that had become more and more like a prison to him. This wasn’t happening, not really, it couldn’t be, could it? He kept himself busy asking questions that he didn’t have an answer for. For more than two weeks they’d been here, and it had gone better than he thought it would have, honestly. That was, up until this point.
His head shot up immediately when he saw the young doctor exit the room. The guy looked beat and Nick was sure he could see the beads of sweat trickling down the man’s forehead. When he caught his look, he could see him nod, almost unnoticeable and breathed a deep sigh of relief. Dr Anders motioned towards the door and Nick mumbled a quick, thank you, before entering.
They had said that it could, and probably would, happen, but Nick had chosen to ignore that particular part of the already gloomy description of what was in store. They had said the medication wouldn’t be enough anymore, but it had been fine until now. Until now.
Cautiously, he looked at the now still figure, looking so small, so frail. In a few steps, he was by his side, like he had been for all those weeks, and would be for all the more weeks to come. With a sigh, he sat down again, leaning his head on the side of the bed, near his friend’s hand, trying not to think of just how much Brian had scared him.
The tears brimmed his eyes as he whispered brokenly, “Don’t ever do that again, you hear me?”
December 2015
He looked at his friend nervously, not wanting to say anything. The silence was so pure, almost sacred and Nick was afraid to break it. Cause maybe, just maybe, with the silence, a lot of other things would be broken as well.
For some reason, or perhaps for no reason at all, they’d driven out here and had stared over the quiet lake for almost an hour. Brian remained still as a statue, and Nick became more and more agitated as time went by and he still had no idea what they were doing here.
“So why are we here?” he finally spoke softly, as carefully as possible. Brian didn’t move, didn’t even look at him when he replied.
“We’re here to find the answer.”
Great. Nick nodded slowly, unbelieving and hooked his arms around his long legs.
“Uhuh, so what was the question exactly?” he asked. He was beyond freezing now and wondered why he had ever agreed to bring them here. The lake was way out of town, was by no means remarkable, but somehow meant the world to Brian. Nick was only glad that he’d been able to convince his older friend to put on some more clothes before they left.
Brian chuckled quietly, took a deep breath and answered sternly, “Did you already forget? You should let yourself get checked, maybe this thing’s contagious.”
“’s not funny,” Nick answered with a smile.
“It’s a little funny.”
“Alright, so I forgot, what’s the question, oh, all-knowing master of mine?”
“What I really want,” Brian answered cryptically and left it at that. Nick looked around for a few moments, raising his eyebrows, not impressed.
“You want a freezing, filthy lake?” he questioned incredulously.
Brian rolled his eyes a little at that, although Nick could see it hurt him to do so. “No, ‘f course not,” he mumbled, “you know, this lake was once clean and so full of life. I actually learnt how to swim in these waters.”
Nick frowned, not really liking where the conversation was going. “And?” he asked nonetheless.
“Now it is dying, and forgotten, and nobody really knows what to do with it anymore. What I really want?” he paused momentarily, shifting a little in the wet grass on the hill they had perched themselves upon, “I want this lake to be clean again. I want this all to be over. Can you promise me that?”
Nick, still having to get used to the metaphor, nodded slowly. “Sure, I could get this lake mugged out, we’ll get this place clean in no time.”
A chill ran through his spine when Brian began to scream at him suddenly, “No! You don’t understand! Do I have to spell it out for you? I’m the lake! I want to be clean again, I want it to be over, can you promise me that?” he asked again, frustrated this time.
Nick sank back in the grass, not caring about the freezing cold that it brought with it, that crept into his pants first, and then his entire body. Though he didn’t know if the cold had so much to do with the wet grass, as well as the helpless, desperate stare of his big brother, that demanded an answer from him that he couldn’t give. Defeated, he shook his head, looking at the ground. “No, no I can’t, nobody can, we’ll just have to have faith.”
“Well, I can’t do this on just faith,” Brian said in a broken voice, the fear displaying in his blue, bloodshot eyes.
“There was a time you could,” Nick remembered. In the last two months, he had often wondered where the Backstreet Boy with the strong faith had disappeared into. “There was a time you wouldn’t let anything get the better of you.”
“Yeah well, that was before,” Brian replied dejectedly, “before everything went to hell.”
Nick scoffed softly, “Excuse me for saying this, but that’s bullshit,” he declared sternly and saw Brian looking up at him in the dark, an offended frown on his face, “I err, I mean,” Nick continued hesitatingly, “what was it you used to say? You can’t only have faith when the miracles happen, you have to have it when they don’t?”
A long silence followed and Nick returned his gaze towards the lake again, feeling Brian’s stare burning in his shoulder. After a while, the older man scoffed, shaking his head carefully, “When did you ever listen to me?”
“Always.”
Now
Was it supposed to feel like this? He had no idea, he’d never done it before, or he couldn’t remember if he ever had. A beam of light flashed before him, like lightning, and he almost lost his balance. Shocked, he looked around carefully, trying to keep himself on that thin line between light and darkness. Where did that just come from? Were they trying to kill him? Carefully, he continued his useless, never ending journey. God, he was so cold. Was it supposed to feel this cold?
He wished he could just lie down, sleep for a while, hope he’d feel better then. But that wasn’t going to happen. He’d surely fall, and if there was something he didn’t want to do, it was falling. He wasn’t scared of heights particularly, he was scared to fall, to break his neck, on whatever was out there in the darkness. So he kept going, carefully but steadily. Maybe if he walked long enough, maybe if he got far enough, the world would start making sense again, if it ever did in the first place. Must have. He didn’t remember much from the world before it had turned into this terrifying scenario, but he wanted it back nonetheless.
He shivered again, trying to stop the pain from overtaking his body. He couldn’t have that now. This was hard enough without agony coursing all around him. He looked down briefly and just then remembered he wasn’t supposed to do that. Trying to keep himself on the line, he flailed his arms to keep his balance, swaying dangerously. His heart picked up speed when he realized that this could be it, this could be falling.
He laughed relieved when he returned his gaze on the line again, he’d made it this time. He hadn’t fallen. Not now, not ever, not…
Flash
He faltered and placed his left foot a little too much to the left. The flash had been right in front of him and with a yelp, he felt himself falling, desperately trying to grab the thin line, but only then realizing it wasn’t something you could grab physically. He was doomed, he’d fall to his death. His mind on panic mode, he tried to scream, yell for help, but he was alone. He’d always been alone.
Is this what dying feels like?
The darkness was as endless as the line had been, but it was all the more scary. He was thrashing, flailing, trying to get a grip of something, anything in this black empty void. Screaming, help me, to someone, anyone. But with the darkness, there came the silence. Suffocating, endless and above all, alone.
Author's Chapter Notes:
yay for weird chapters :D
Chapter End Notes:
please review if you want to know where this ends :P
