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January 2016

Baylee didn’t dare to move. He didn’t think he’d moved in over thirty minutes. He had the strange urge to laugh and cry at the same time. When Uncle Harry and Nick had come home, he’d immediately sensed something was terribly wrong. Because if Harry and Nick were both home, that would mean Dad was all alone. And that didn’t make sense, because they always made sure at least one would remain at the hospital at all possible times. Sometimes Mom would stay there for the night, sometimes grandma and grandpa, usually Nick and Harry though. And now they were both home. And it didn’t make sense. It had to make sense.

Baylee hadn’t said anything as he was the first to meet them at the door. Their faces were unbelievably sad and Baylee had gotten that gnawing feeling inside his stomach that you get when you fear something is wrong, but are too afraid to ask. They looked at him, their eyes full of sorrow and their shoulders low with defeat. And Baylee knew exactly what was wrong, but as long as they didn’t say it, it wouldn’t be true. So he didn’t ask, he just stared back at them, expressionless. They’d looked at one another for almost five long minutes until Mom and Grandma appeared behind Baylee, doubtlessly also seeing the looks of sorrow and defeat in the eyes of the two men.

Baylee had felt a shiver run through his entire body when Mom had screamed, her hands flying up to her mouth as she began to cry immediately. Harry had gone over to her, but Nick’s eyes remained locked with Baylee’s. He felt Grandma squeezing his shoulder, her hand shaking as she pulled him into a hug. Baylee didn’t hug her back, but remained frozen in her arms, still looking at Nick. Nick hadn’t said it yet, and as long as he hadn’t, Baylee wouldn’t believe it. A dull ache started to form in his chest and he tried to remind himself how to breathe. He saw Nick looking away for a second, and when the singer looked back up, he shook his head softly.

“No!” Baylee yelled suddenly; panic enveloping him from all sides. Without thinking, he turned away from his grandmother and bolted up the stairs. And now he lay on the bed, on top of the blankets, fully dressed and unmoving, listening to his dog, scratching at the door to let her in. He didn’t dare moving though. He felt a coldness deep within him that had nothing to do with the coldness in the room. He bit his lip, curling his fingers a little tighter around his rabbit, which was still called rabbit from the time he was three. He wasn’t crying though; he couldn’t cry for some reason.

The only thing he could do was stare blankly into the room, noting somewhere in the back of his mind that this was his father’s old bedroom from when he’d been a kid.

Baylee squeezed his eyes shut, trying to drown out the puppy’s whines from outside the door as he pressed the rabbit against his face. “Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,” he told himself, letting go of the rabbit and pressing his hands into his eyes. He gasped for breath, his nails digging into the palms of his hands. It hurt.

It wasn’t a dream.

“No...” a long dragged whimper came from his mouth.

This couldn’t be it. He’d dreaded this moment for so long. He’d tried to ban it from his mind, but had always known somehow that it would be inevitable.

But not now. He wasn’t ready.

With his heart beating in his throat, he whimpered again and the dog stopped scratching. Someone was coming up the stairs and Baylee felt the coldness within him grow. He drew a shaky breath when he heard the knock on his door.

“Go away,” he said and winced at the pathetic sound of his voice.

“Baylee, can I come in?” Nick’s voice was muffled by the door and by sadness. Baylee supposed he hadn’t heard what he’d said earlier.

“I said: go away!” he said, louder this time.

“Bay,” Nick hesitated and it was silent for a few seconds, “Listen, I totally understand if you want to be alone right now for a while, but just let me know if you’re okay.”

Okay? Baylee felt a sudden flash of anger rushing through him. Nick wanted to know if he was okay? How would he feel if he were Baylee? Oh right. Nick hated his own father. Nick would never know how Baylee felt.

“I’m not okay!” he yelled, “Now go away!”

Sure enough, the door opened and Nick and the dog both got into the room. And then the tears got in too. Baylee felt himself begin to sob and couldn’t stop.

Nick went to sit next to him on the bed, his hand hovering over the shaking boy awkwardly. “Bay, I’m so sorry.”

Baylee tried to keep still. Nick didn’t have to say it.

He could just not say it. He didn’t have to make it true. But still, Baylee had to know, “He’s gone, isn’t he?”

Nick’s hand finally came down on Baylee’s trembling back and Baylee watched him nod slowly and felt every little piece that held him together shatter. With a loud cry, he crashed into Nick’s chest and let himself be overtaken by wave after wave of tears. Nick held him tightly, his own tears streaming down his face, and didn’t say anything. Baylee was unsure of how long it took to regain control over himself, but when he did, he unattached himself from Nick and sat back, wrapping his arms around his knees and flinging the rabbit up into his lap. He didn’t care that Nick saw that he still had the stuffed toy, even though he was thirteen.

He didn’t care about the occasional sobs that still wrecked through him every other second. He didn’t care about his dog’s anxious whines on the ground. “W-when?” he asked.

“He passed away about four hours ago,” Nick told him after a few seconds, his voice barely louder than a whisper.

“W-were... were you there?” Baylee looked up at him, his eyes shiny and bloodshot.

Nick nodded tightly, “Yeah.”

“So he wasn’t alone?” Baylee pressed.

“No.”

“Was Uncle Harry there too?”

Nick shook his head, “No. It was just the two of us.”

“D-did... did he...” Baylee bit down on his lip, trying to formulate a sentence in his jumbled thoughts, “was he in pain?”

Nick’s jaw clenched when he shook his head, “I don’t think so.”

Baylee wasn’t sure if he believed him, but wasn’t about to say that. He nodded slightly and returned his stare to the opposite wall of his father’s old bedroom. “Did he say anything? Did he know you were there?”

“Baylee...” Nick’s voice shook.

“So he did die alone then.”

“No, he didn’t. I was... I was holding him when he died. He just... he just went to sleep.”

“Really?”

Baylee saw Nick’s throat working and knew that he was reliving every single moment. “Yeah, really.”

“I love him,” Baylee muttered, letting go of another sob, “I love him. He has to know that.”

“He does. He knows that, Bay. He always knows that.”

Baylee shivered in the cold room, “It just hurts so much.”

“I know. I feel it too. We all feel that.”

“I don’t think I can breathe.”



June 2016

Nick was startled when the church doors opened again suddenly. He’d been impatiently waiting here for the ceremony to start. Lauren was nowhere to be found yet and AJ was extremely late. He squinted at the entrance, watching AJ finally stroll in and rolled his eyes. AJ spread out his arms dramatically and raised his voice “There will not be a wedding here,” he announced, his voice resounding through the large church.

A low mumble of confusion drifted through the crowd and AJ watched them all, grinning brightly. Nick stalked over to him, absolutely livid. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

AJ turned towards him, his grin spreading even wider, “Your princess is in another castle, dawg,” he drawled.

“What?”

AJ ignored him as he turned towards the crowd of guests again, “The bride finds herself at Brian’s lake,” he called into the group of people, “She’ll be pleased to meet all of you there.”

Nick gasped, “You did this!”

“Well, technically it was Baylee and Lauren, I’m just the humble messenger,” AJ smirked, taking him by the arm and dragging him out of the church’ doors. “Come on, you’ll love it. They’ve made the place look absolutely stunning.”