Nineteen

The thought that Nick might not be there after I made the long drive from Orlando to Tampa didn’t enter my head until I pulled onto his street. I’d been so lost in my own thoughts that I made the drive on auto pilot and it never once dawned on me that he might not be there. All I knew was that after he’d heard about my relationship with AJ in the manner that he had, I needed to talk to him in person.

I let out a sigh of relief when I pulled into the driveway behind his car. I took a deep breath and got out of AJ’s Blazer and walked slowly up to the door trying to figure out what to say. After ringing the doorbell I waited as I heard Nick’s dogs running around barking. I fiddled with the keys in my hand and practically held my breath waiting for him to answer. When he didn’t, I looked through the small window that ran along side the door. 

He was sitting on the couch with his head tipped up looking at the ceiling. I knew that he couldn’t possibly be sleeping with the doorbell ringing and with the dogs barking like they were. I tried knocking on the door while looking through the window and saw him reach for a glass and take a drink before settling back into his original position on the couch.

I sighed and closed my eyes not knowing what to do. I looked around the yard and rang the doorbell again. Still nothing. He simply sat there ignoring the door and the dogs. I ran my fingers shakily through my hair whispering to myself, "What the hell do I do now?" The last thing I wanted to do was to cause a scene by banging on his front door like some obscene fan, but I had to talk to him. Then suddenly it came to me and I ran back to the Blazer reaching in for my cell phone.

I dialed his number as I walked back toward the house and after two rings his machine picked up. I knew he wouldn’t pick up, but after the beep I began to talk, "Nick? It’s me. Honey, its Kel. Listen, I know you’re home. I’m the one outside ringing your doorbell and knocking. Can we please talk?" I waited momentarily looking through the window again for any movement but there was none. "I know you’re upset… I don’t blame you. I didn’t… I… Shit. You shouldn’t have heard about it that way. Will you please just let me talk to you? We have to talk about this. We can’t go on tour together for a year without talking. I need to know what you’re feeling. I mean… I think I know, but I need you to tell me. Even if you just want to yell at me… please?" Again I waited, and again there was no response. My shoulders slumped and I turned my back to the door and sat down on the front step. "Okay then I’ll talk…" Burying my face in my hands I held the phone to my ear and began to talk again. "I’m sorry, Nicky. I’m sure you’re sick of me saying that but I don’t know what else to say. But I really am sorry and I never wanted you to find out like this. I was going to tell you face to face. I never meant to hurt you… I don’t know what to say that will make this any better or easier. I don’t think there is anything that I can say. Whether we talk today or not though, you and I have to talk before this tour. We have to…"

"Why should I talk to you?" His voice startled me and I jumped up and stood looking at him as he stood in his doorway. "Why, Kellie?"

"I don’t know why…" I said in a near whisper. "I know I don’t deserve anything from you after the way I’ve hurt you time and time again."

"Yeah…" he said nodding. I bit my lip trying not to break down and cry as I watched him. He opened the screen door slowly and held it inviting me in silently. I walked into the house and sat down on the couch and he followed my lead sitting down on the opposite end. I turned my body so that I could face him and he glanced up at me, "So talk…"

I nodded and played with the case on my cell phone nervously, "I didn’t plan this. I want you to know that I wasn’t hiding this from you. When we danced at Tabu, or when we kissed in the elevator… I wasn’t with him then. I didn’t know this was going to happen. It just kind of happened and I went with it…" My voice trailed off as I ran out of words and I shook my head.

He let out a bitter chuckle and shook his head.  "You know what I want to know Kel?" I shook my head no and waited for him to go on. "I want to know if you get off on this."

My stomach flipped at the tone of his voice and I looked at him puzzled, "I don’t understand…"

"Do you get off on this…" he said again.

I sighed, not understanding what he was getting at, "Get off on what?"

He looked at me, his eyes cold, and his voice low, "Hurting the men that you supposedly love."

His words hit me like a slap in the face and I looked away from his eyes. "No I don’t…"

He let out a sarcastic laugh, "Funny… seems to me you enjoy it. I mean you do it often enough. You going to break AJ’s heart? Sleep with him and then leave?"

My fight against tears ended and I tried focusing on my phone again, rubbing my thumb over the buttons. "Keep going…" I said quietly. "Get it all out if it’ll help… Call me names, yell at me… whatever. I deserve it all."

He sighed and leaned forward putting his elbows on his knees. For probably an hour or more we sat there in silence. Nick, with his face buried in his hands, and me focusing through tears on the small phone in my hand. I didn’t know what to say that I hadn’t already said, or that wouldn’t hurt him any more than I already had, and I didn’t know what was going through his head, yet at the same time I couldn't leave. Then, after silence for so long, he spoke again softly, "Do you love him?"

I nodded, "Yeah. He’s my best friend…"

"Yeah but do you love him more than that?" he asked turning his head to look at me.

I looked up to his eyes, "I think so."

"So what was the kiss in the elevator about then? The dance at Tabu?"

"I don’t know… I…"

"You can’t tell me that it was a mistake. That you didn’t feel anything…" he said scooting closer to me on the couch closing some of the distance between us.

"Nick I…"

"If you love him so much then why are you here?" He asked me quietly, still moving closer to me on the couch until he was sitting right next to me and I swore I could feel him staring into my soul.

I looked at him with pain in my heart and shook my head, "Because I…" I sighed as fresh tears fell from my eyes. "I don’t know…" He reached out and brushed away my tears with his thumb and pulled me into a hug. I held him closely and cried into his chest, "Don’t hate me, Nicky…"

"I don’t think I could ever hate you…" he said quietly and smoothed my hair with his hand. My cell phone rang and we pulled apart from the hug. I looked down at the display and saw that it was AJ calling and my heart felt like it was breaking even more. "Answer it…"

I shook my head and set the phone on the coffee table. "We’re not done."

"What else do you want me to say, Kel? I don’t think you’re in love with him. I don’t know what the hell is going on between you and me, but I don’t think that you love him like this. I think that if I were to kiss you right now, you’d respond to it. You’d kiss me back…" I shook my head looking into his eyes. "You would…" he said quietly and leaned in toward me placing his lips to mine before I could respond. Pushing me back slightly he kissed my lips with an urgency and I pushed at his chest until he broke away from my lips.

"Don’t…"

"If I kissed your neck… on that spot that you love so much…" he whispered as he dipped his mouth to my neck and sucked on my weak point and I closed my eyes as tears slid down my cheeks. "Or if I ran my hand up the inside of your thigh…" he said as he snaked a hand between my legs sliding it over my skin slowly.

"Stop…" I whispered weakly as my heartbeat increased and my breathing became labored under his touch. His lips lit up my skin and as I tried pushing him away, I could barely find the strength.

"Don’t fight it…" he whispered against my neck and his hand moved further up my leg. Shaking my head I finally found the strength to push him off of me and I stood up backing away from the couch looking down at him with tears streaming down my face. "You felt it…"

I shook my head and closed my eyes, "No…"

"Bullshit."

"No, Nick!" I yelled startling us both. "I’m with AJ okay? God…" I sat down on the couch across the room from him and put my head in my hands. "Don’t do this to me…"

"Fine…" he said flatly. "You love him." I looked up at him and watched as he stared at his hands. "Just don’t fuck with him the way you fucked with me."

Again, his words hit me like a ton of bricks and I sighed, "I never meant to hurt you."

"Yeah well…"

"Do you understand why I pulled away from you so long ago? Do you really understand?"

"Because you were afraid…"

I nodded, "Yeah. That was part of it. But more than that… I did it for you. I know it may not seem that way, but if you think about it, really think about it... I pulled away because I didn’t want you to get hurt. I knew what being around you would do to the both of us, so I took myself out of the picture."

"Fuck that, you ran away and you know it…" he snapped at me.

"Maybe…" I whispered. "I had my reasons. Obviously you’re not ready to even hear what they were yet… so…" I stood up and picked my phone up off of the coffee table. "I’ll just go."

I moved toward the door until he stopped me with his voice, "What was your reason?"

I let out a sigh and turned around to look at him again. "I left because I fell in love with you okay? I didn’t know what it was at first, because I’d never felt it before. No one had ever gotten into my heart the way that you did. I fell in love with you and it scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t stay because I didn’t know what to do… and because I knew that it wouldn’t work. I couldn’t be with you the way that my heart told me it wanted to. That kiss in the elevator, and the dance at Tabu... the reason I can’t be in a room with you without feeling uncomfortable… it’s all because I fell in love with you. I wanted to tell you about AJ and me myself because I didn’t want to hurt you again by making you think that I didn’t care enough about you to explain things. So that’s it…" I threw my hands up in the air and shook my head as he stared at me, his eyes wide. "Is that what you wanted to hear? I fell in love with you, and instead of breaking your heart, I walked away and broke my own."

I watched him carefully as he processed my words and my heart felt like it was going to beat its way out of my chest. My cell phone rang again and again it was AJ. I’d been gone for hours and the sun was setting. I knew that he was at home freaking out wondering where I was, and yet I couldn’t answer the phone as I stood there watching Nick. The ringing stopped and I looked at the floor waiting for him to say something... anything. He looked up at me and shook his head sadly, a look of pain falling over his face, "Go home to your boyfriend, Kellie."