Thirty

~ Tampa, FL ~

The Charlotte and Atlanta shows flew by with countless hours of rehearsal for the Super Bowl stuck in between normal tour stuff. It was both exciting and exhausting all at once. I can name all of the times and places that I’ve seen the Boys sing the National Anthem, but none of them compared to the Super Bowl. I could barely see through the lens of my camera as I took pictures because I was crying so much. I can’t explain the pride that I felt in my heart that evening. It was amazing and completely overwhelming. Even now sometimes when I think back on that night or look at pictures or video of the performance I tear up.

After the football game, which I insisted on staying for even though AJ wasn’t much interested, we all headed to a club for Nick’s 21st birthday. We’d reserved the club and only folks on a specific guest list were allowed to get in. We all planned on getting him shit-faced and the last thing we needed was a stray reporter catching it and printing up some evil article about it.

The party was going great. Loud music, great food, and so much alcohol that none of us had plans to drive anywhere that night. Nick was having a blast too. He’d been smiling since we made it to the club and it was great to see him so happy. I was sitting at a table with Howie and Brian talking about nothing in general when Nick ran up and grabbed my hand, "Come on…"

"Where are we going?" I laughed.

"Dancing… you and me…" he giggled as he pulled me through the crowed club.

I laughed, "Someone is drunk…"

"Yep… me too…"

I chuckled again and we began to dance to the loud throbbing music pumping through the club. We danced like fools, giggling and jumping around making ourselves dizzy, pure fun. When the music slowed down I think I was still spinning. Nick pulled me to his body and we held onto each other in a hug breathing heavily from dancing so hard. I smiled as we danced, "Happy Birthday, Nicky…"

"Thanks…" he smiled and pulled back to look in my eyes.

"You having a good one?"

"Super Bowl, my home town, great party, dancing with you… yeah it’s great."

"Best birthday you’ve ever had?"

"Almost… there was one that was better."

"Which one was that?" I smiled and pushed a stray strand of hair from his face as he looked down at me.

"My eighteenth…" he said quietly looking into my eyes.

I took a deep breath remembering that day and looked away from his eyes, "Um… did you get your presents? I left them with Billy…"

Nick nodded and purposely moved his head so that I couldn’t look away from him, "Yeah I did! Thank you! How’d you know which one I needed?"

I shrugged, "I heard you telling Brian about it one day on the bus. I wrote it down and did a little searching. Turns out there was a comic book store down the street from the hotel in Atlanta. I went in there to see if they had it but figured they wouldn’t because no one else who I’d called had it, but they did. I had to get it."

"Must have cost a lot. That one is hard to find."

"Extremely hard to find. You don’t know what I went through to find it. I’d actually given up on finding it. But, you’re worth the money. I knew you’d appreciate it."

"I love it…"

I smiled, "Good."

Nick wrapped his arms around me tighter and pressed his body to mine. I leaned my head against his shoulder listening to the music. "Kel?"

"Yeah?"

"You know what I said about my eighteenth birthday being my best one?" I nodded, "I meant it. That’s a day I’ll never forget. I think about it all of the time…"

I sighed, "Nick…"

"I’m serious. I can’t tell you how much that day affected me…"

"You don’t have to…" I said looking at his face again. "Please don’t do this."

"What? Tell you what you mean to me? What you made me feel? What I still feel every time I see you? Every time I touch you?" He pulled me to his body again pressing it to mine. "Do you know what it does to me to have you this close to me and know that I can’t follow through on what my body wants me to do? What it does to me when I see you and AJ sneaking off to screw?"

I fought tears and tried pushing away from his body but his grasp was too tight, "This isn’t fair…"

"Yeah well it’s not fair to feel the way I do and not be able to do anything about it either."

I sighed and continued to push away from him, "You’re drunk. Leave it alone. Don’t let the alcohol say something that you’ll regret in the morning."

"Why not? It wouldn’t matter anyway…"

"Is that what you think about me? That I don’t care about you? Jesus…" I finally pushed away from him and shook my head, "Go sober up…"

I tried to walk away and he grabbed my wrist pulling me back to him. He put his face next to mine and whispered into my ear as I struggled to pull my hand back from him, "Do you think of me when he’s inside of you?"

Before I knew what happened I’d smacked him in the face, "Fuck you!"

He laughed and rubbed his cheek as he let go of my wrist, "You already did…"

I shook my head as I looked at him before turning and running off the dance floor in tears. I literally ran into Kevin as I was heading for the door and he looked down at me smiling, "Whoa  what’s the…" When he saw my tears he wrapped his arm around my shoulder, "Come on…" He led me quickly through the crowd and out of the club to the quiet parking lot.

We walked around to the side of the building and found a curb to sit on out of the way and I covered my face and cried. Kevin pulled me into his arms and held me until I was able to calm down a bit. "I’m sorry…" I sighed as I wiped at my face, checking my fingers for mascara.

"What happened?"

I teared up again and shook my head taking a breath, "Nick…"

He sighed and rubbed his hand along my back, "What did he do?"

"Nothing that I didn’t cause. I swear, Kevin, I keep telling myself that one day I’m going to stop fucking things up. But my problem is that my fuck-ups from the past keep coming back. Just when I think things are good, something I did when I was stupid and not thinking comes back to haunt me."

"You’re not a fuck up…"

"Bullshit…"

"You’re not…"

"You don’t know! You don’t know half of the stupid shit I’ve done. You know a lot, but god, Kev… there’s so much more."

"Even so, it can’t be that bad. You know that I’m no angel. Think of everything I’ve done… we all did it. We all did stupid things for a while. We were living the reckless life of superstars and you were right along there with us. But that doesn’t mean that we’re horrible people because of the shit we did. Does it?" I shrugged and looked at my feet on the concrete. "Think about it… there’s no reason that Kristen and I should have ever gotten back together after everything that I did to her. But we did, because I cleaned up my act and proved my love to her. Sure every now and then something pops up that I have to explain to her, and it’s hard. But that’s life. It doesn’t mean that I’m doomed to be a fuck up for the rest of my life. And neither are you."

I sighed and looked at him, "He’s so drunk he probably won’t remember what he said…"

"True. So don’t let this get to you…"

I shook my head, "Alcohol for him is like a truth serum. He says what he feels when he’s drunk. Whether he remembers it or not, he meant it."

He searched my face for a moment, "Honey, I don’t know what to tell you because I don’t know what’s going on. All I can say is that we’ll get through it. Tomorrow night when we get to Philly, I’m stealing you away from Bone and you’re going to talk to me. However long it takes. Okay?" I nodded and began to cry again. His arm wrapped around me and he kissed the top of my head, "I’ll tell him that I need your company because I miss my wife or something. Send him to play pool with Brian and Howie…"

"Thanks…" I whispered as I shut my tears off again and took a deep breath.

"No problem, kiddo… now let’s get you cleaned up before Kristen or AJ come out here looking for us and want to know what the hell is going on."

I smiled as he smiled at me, "We’re having a torrid affair and I was missing you so much in there that I burst into tears and had you meet me out here."

"Yeah and I made you cry because I told you that I’m sleeping with my wife tonight instead of you."

"Yup, and then to make me feel better you told me that cookie joke again, but that only made me cry harder because it was so corny…"

"But then I ravaged you against the brick wall of the building and you were all better…"

We stood up and began walking back toward the entrance of the club smiling, "I was still jealous that you’re going home with her, but we agreed to meet up tomorrow night when she’s flown back to LA and we’ve sent my boy out to a bar with the Boys."

"Exactly. And we’re going to have hot break-the-bed sex while he’s gone."

"The maids will hate us for the mess we make in the bed…"

"And we’ll both be so sore the next day that people will start to suspect us…"

"But we’ll cover by telling them that we’re just old and shit like that happens as you age…"

Kevin laughed, "I love you…"

"I love you too, honey. Thank you…"

"Anytime…" he smiled and hugged me one last time before we went back inside.

"Tomorrow night…"