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Part Thirty-Nine

~ Toronto, Ontario… Concert # 12 ~

"So did AJ tell you?" I asked Kevin as we walked through the SkyDome looking for something to eat.

"Tell me what?"

I smiled, "Guess he didn’t tell you huh? We’re going public…"

"You’re going pub… oh! Really?"

"Yup. Slowly, but we talked about it yesterday and decided it was time. That the select group of fans who will have a problem with us dating aren’t worth the pain of having to hide it."

Kevin smiled and nodded, "Good… I think it’ll be a really good thing for you two. Even if you face some opposition, you’ll be able to do it with each other, that’ll make it easier."

I nodded, "Yeah I think so too. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m not scared shitless about what my first anti-Kel encounter is going to be. But just knowing that at the end of the day all that really matters is how much I love my tattooed freak and how much he loves me… it’s all good."

"You two are so in love…" Kevin chuckled. I wrinkled my nose at him and smiled. "It’s so damn cute I can barely stand it…"

"Well we all need a bit of cute-ness in our lives…" I laughed.

"Speaking of cute… what you did bringing Aaron in for Nick?  That was really cool, Kel. Seeing those two together like that was great. Very cute."

I nodded, "Yeah. They both needed it." I sighed and looked around, "Why the hell isn’t there any food in this place? As big as it is! I’m starving, I’m about to bite you…"

Kevin laughed, "Down girl, no biting me… that privilege belongs to the wife. How about we just go order pizza?"

I nodded furiously, "Yes… pizza. Soon… there was a pizza place on the corner,  I saw it when we came in. Hell I’ll walk over there through the fans if I have to… I need to eat."

"You’re not walking through the fans… but yes we’ll get food. I’m right there with you in the hunger. Now tell me something…"

"What?"

"What’s up with you and Nick? You changed the subject awfully fast a second ago."

I looked at Kevin and rolled my eyes, "God you’re good…"

"Thank you, now what happened?"

"We had another ‘encounter’ the other night. He said something and I said something and I started to cry and he apologized and we’ve barely spoken since because Aaron was with us. Today was our normal day to have breakfast together, but because we were busy getting Aaron back to Jane and getting here it just didn’t happen."

"Have you made plans to talk?"

"No… We’ll be in Philly for two days tomorrow though, maybe then? Or else we’ve got two days off between Philly and Chicago."

"How do you memorize our schedule like that?"

I laughed, "I need to know where I am, where I’ve been and where I’m going at all times… it’s a control thing. I can’t just let go and wake up each day not knowing where I am or where we’re headed."

"That makes sense… So anyway, when you and Nick had your ‘encounter’ the other night… what happened? If you want to tell me that is…"

I ran my hand through my hair and shook my head as we walked slowly, "We were talking about flirting. He mentioned that sometimes it hurts him to flirt with me or rather to have me flirt with him when he knows that I’m with AJ. And Kev, I was glad to know that… well, not that he hurts, but I was glad he told me you know? But then he blew it off like he’d been joking when he said it and I knew he wasn’t. I ended up getting pissed off and I told him how it hurt me when he’d say something and then take it back when I knew it was the truth. I told him that there are still times when I wonder if what I’m doing with him and AJ is the right thing, and that it still hurts to be around him sometimes."

"Wow…"

"Yeah, I didn’t mean to say all of that, it just kind of spilled out in frustration."

"Tell me about wondering if what you’re doing is the right thing…"

"It’s just what I’ve told you before… I wonder if passing up my love for Nick was right, and if what I have with AJ is going to last. Or if AJ and I don’t last as a couple, what’ll happen to our friendship? There are so many ‘what if’ questions you know?"

"Sure I do… but there are ‘what if’ questions with any relationship."

"True… but I seem to have more because of the fact that AJ and Nick are so close… and AJ doesn’t know about anything that happened between Nick and me."

"Have you thought any more about telling AJ about Nick?"

"Yeah… but every time that I think I should tell him, he does something sweet making me fall for him even more and then I think about how if he knows about Nick that he might freak out and I could lose all of what we have now. I’m so afraid to lose him Kev… not just as my boyfriend, but as My AJ. He’s been My AJ for so long, I can’t imagine him not being that anymore. Part of me thinks that he’ll always be around no matter what, but another part of me worries that he’s so into Us that if the Us part no longer exists, that no other part of our relationship will exist either."

"I don’t ever see him just walking away from you. Even if you two were to split as a couple, I just can’t imagine him giving up on your history together that easily."

"Well that’s what I hope…" I said quietly.

"You want to know what I think?"

"Please…"

"I think that if you can get things ironed out with Nick so that you two can be at least comfortable together again, that it’ll help a lot. If both of you can be comfortable with your relationships with him and AJ and the different dynamics of the two, it’ll make a world of difference."

"I thought that’s what we were doing Kev. He was hanging out with me again, we were kidding around again, and just being friends. But then he threw that statement out there the other night and blindsided me with it."

"Well then maybe he has more of the work to do in feeling comfortable with you rather than you with him… but keep trying. I’m telling you, if he can accept you and AJ being together and just being your friend… your lives will be so much easier."

"I hope so… cause this is getting harder and harder every day. I don’t want to hurt either of them you know? I love them both so much…"

Kevin wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gave me a one armed hug, "I know you do, kiddo…"

*****

 

After the show in Toronto we were almost immediately on the busses again because we needed to be in Philadelphia in the morning the next day. AJ and I promptly fell asleep with the rocking of the bus and I assume that the rest of the guys did the same thing on their busses.

Somewhere a little over half way to Philadelphia we stopped at a truck stop so the bus drivers could take a break. The bright lights of the truck stop woke me up and I sat up looking around to see if I could tell where we were. I couldn’t, and got up with a craving for junk food. I threw on a pair of shoes and a then a sweatshirt over my tee. Marcus was blocking the bus door when I opened it and I tapped his shoulder, "Hey big guy…"

"Hey…" he said with a yawn.  "Going inside?"

"Yeah… need anything? AJ’s paying," I laughed holding up his wallet.

"Nah… I’m okay. You alright going in there by yourself?"

"Yup… I doubt there will be any Backstreet fans here… where are we anyway?"

"No idea…" he smiled.

I chuckled, "Okay, I’ll be back in a few then… don’t let them leave without me…"

"Never…" he smiled.

I went into the store of the truck stop and smiled. There was something about a bright convenience store in the middle of the night on a road trip with its blinding fluorescent lights that made me feel comfortable. Whether you were looking for coffee, ice cream, a bag of chips, some weird candy that you only craved when on a trip, or heaven forbid, a hot dog cooked on one of those spinning cooker things… all you needed and wanted was there in the store.

I was craving salty food and promptly headed for the chip isle. I stood there looking at all of my options trying to decide between my two favorites and instead just got them both figuring that having an extra bag around wouldn’t hurt. I then went looking for juice. When I’d picked out a bottle of apple juice I turned around and walked toward the cashier. The man behind the counter rang my things up quietly and told me my total.

"Does your boyfriend know you swiped his wallet?" I heard a voice ask me from behind.

I smiled as I paid the cashier, "He’s currently sound asleep… he won’t know its missing."

"Remind me to hide my wallet when you ride on my bus…"

"Thanks…" I said to the cashier as he gave me my change stuffed the bills back in AJ’s wallet before picking up my food. "I’ll tell you exactly where to put it too…" I turned around to face Nick and immediately cracked up as I noticed he was wearing a horrendous pair of sunglasses with the tag hanging over his nose and a huge smile on his face. "Oh god…"

"You think they’re me?" he laughed.

"I think they’re horrible…"

"Sure they are, but are they a good disguise?"

I shook my head at him, "Still see the blonde hair… covering the eyes is good because they’re a dead give away, but the hair is too… But… if you add this…" I smiled as I grabbed a hat from a rack nearby and stuck it on Nick’s head, "That might actually do the trick…"

"Yeah?"

"Well kind of…" I laughed.

Nick took the glasses off, "I like the hat actually, but the glasses are too much like something my mother would have worn when I was a kid…" He put his stash of food down on the counter and ripped the tag off of the hat giving it to the cashier. "I’ll take the hat too…" When the cashier gave Nick his total, Nick looked at me, "Give me AJ’s wallet…" I laughed and handed him the wallet, "He’ll never know…"

"I’m not tellin’…" I smiled.

After paying for his things Nick gave AJ’s wallet back to me and smiled, "Thanks… So what are you doing up in the middle of the night too?"

"The lights woke me up and then I wanted junk food…"

"Me too… the sucky part is that I’m going to be up for a few hours now… There’s no way I’m going back to sleep now."

"Exactly…" I smiled and looked out of the window at the busses waiting patiently to keep moving toward Philadelphia.

"Wanna ride in my bus… keep each other company? We can talk about the other night, or just eat junk food and play video games… whatever you want…"

I looked into Nick’s eyes and smiled as I nodded, "Sure… let me go put AJ’s wallet back and leave him a note so he knows where I am… I’ll meet you on your bus?"

Nick smiled and nodded, "Yeah… see you there…"

I did just as I’d told Nick I was going to do and rushed onto our bus leaving a note for AJ and dumping his wallet back into his bag then ran from our bus to Nick’s in the cold. I stepped in giving a hello to Billy at the door and then quickly shut the door behind me shivering at the cold. "You know you could wear a coat… it helps…" Nick laughed.

"Oh shut up… I didn’t need a coat to go from the bus to the store and back. You Florida Boys and the cold…" I shook my head and laughed. "Gotta get Kev and Brian to teach you something about the cold."

"I know plenty about the cold…" Nick laughed. "I know its cold, and I know I don’t like it, and anyone who does like it is crazy…"

"Like you didn’t already know I was crazy?"

"Of course I did… I’m just sayin…"

"Yuh huh… So where’s the PlayStation set up?"

"Back in the bedroom…"

I laughed, "Of course it is…" I reached my hand out to Nick and pulled him up from the couch where he’d been sitting, "Come on, I wanna play Extreme 3… We’ll start a new season and see how far we get before passing out."

That’s exactly what we did too. We played the video game for a few hours talking a little bit as we raced each other trying to see who could get the most points for tricks. Finally when I could barely move my thumbs anymore we gave up on playing and saved the game to finish at a later date. I laid back on the bed as Nick put the PlayStation away and then he joined me laying on his back next to me.

Nick started to laugh as we lay there, "I have to say it’s pretty funny that the ceilings of our busses are mirrored. That’s so pitifully Rock Star of us…"

"Isn’t it though?" I laughed and made a face at him up at the mirror. He made a face too and we both laughed.

"So, Kel?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we okay?"

I rolled over onto my side and looked at him, "I think so… how about you?"

"Well yeah… I mean we just played Extreme 3 for three hours together. That’s gotta mean something right? And I didn’t make you cry again…"

I smiled slightly and he turned to face me on his side, "I appreciate that…"

"Sorry, again…"

"I am glad that you told me you know? I don’t like to think of you hurting because of something that I’m doing for fun… I just don’t want you to lie and say that you’re kidding because I know you’re not."

"Yeah… I kind of freaked out you know? Felt like I’d told you too much or something and so I backed off… but I should have known better. You always see through my bullshit."

I smiled, "One of my many talents…"

"Does he know?"

"AJ?"

"Yeah."

I shook my head, "No. I’ve gone back and forth wondering if I should tell him, but I just don’t think it’ll help him at all. I don’t want to cause any pain or weirdness between the two of you, and I guess I kind of feel like he doesn’t need to know. He’s had affairs in the past with people that he hasn’t told me about... It’s a little different because this is you we’re talking about… but you know what I mean?"

Nick nodded, "I do… no need to make him feel like he has to compete for you with me since I’ve… well, I’ve been ‘there.’"

I chuckled, "Been there? I should get shirts for all of you guys saying ‘Kel… been there, done that.’"

"I didn’t mean it that way…" Nick laughed.

"I know, honey…" I smiled.

"That is a good idea though… the tee shirts."

I shrugged and smiled, "Except if you all wore them on the same day…"

"All? How many of us have you slept with?"

"Oh lord… you don’t know do you?"

"Tell me you didn’t do Howie…"

I cracked up and hit Nick in the arm, "No I didn’t ‘do’ Howie… I did have a one time romp with Kevin though… way back in the day when he was ‘off again’ with Kristen and I’d gotten my heart stomped on by that guy Chris…"

"I hated that guy…"

I smiled, "For good reason… he was a dick."

"He looked like one of those guys who was going to snap at any moment…"

"He did… that’s why I left him. He snapped and decided that hitting me was fun and I left."

"He hit you?"

"Twice in the same night. I didn’t stay around for any more than that…"

"Asshole…"

"Yup… So anyway sometime after that I was visiting you guys on a tour and Kevin and I went out to a club and danced and drank all night long. Then when we got back to the hotel we just went at it… one night, no strings, just physical sex. Wild and great physical sex… but we agreed that it wasn’t going to change anything, and it never has. Kevin actually told me a few weeks ago that Kristen knows all about it too."

"That’s cool… So you haven’t been with Brian have you?"

"Nope…"

"Just wondered…" Nick said quietly.

"What’s going through your head, honey?"

Nick adjusted his pillow a bit and then looked at me, "I was just thinking that we haven’t been this close on a bed since…"

"Since you ‘went there?’" I laughed.

He smiled, "Yeah…"

"Long time…"

"We used to take naps together a lot before then… I miss that."

"Me too…" I smiled.

He smiled too, "Wanna take a nap with me?"

"I think our traditional nap position might need a little make over. You’re bigger than I am now…" I laughed. When Nick was smaller and we’d take naps together I’d spoon up behind him running my fingers through his hair or he’d curl up laying his head on my chest as I protected him in a big sister/motherly fashion.

"How about I pretend I’m you? And you can be me?" Nick opened his arms to me and I scooted closer to him and wrapped my arm around him as my face pressed against his chest and I could feel his heart beating beneath my ear. His arms wrapped around me and I closed my eyes as the warmth of his body spread over mine.

"God you’re warm…"

"It’s the Florida Boy in me…" he giggled. He slid his knee between my legs pressing our bodies closer to one another and whispered to me, "My leg okay there?"

I nodded against his chest, "Mmm hmm…" Sleep was quickly taking over me and I could tell by the way his body was relaxing around mine that he was losing the fight to sleep too. "Night, Nickers…"

There was a long silent pause before he spoke again and kissed the top of my head, "Night, Kellers…"