Forty-two

"’Some sources report that Johnson not only travels with the Boys as their tour photographer but that she also dates one or more of the guys…’ What the hell ‘sources’ are they talking about? This is bullshit! Listen to this. ‘The lucky Ms. Johnson has been seen with the Boys on every stop of their current world tour and witnesses claim that she is ‘very comfortable’ with the guys.’ Very comfortable? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Very comfortable…"

"Kel, honey, calm down…"

"No I’m not going to calm down, Kevin… God! They’re trashing my fucking name all over this article.”  I sat down on the couch in the dressing room and sighed with my head in my hands. I’d been pacing around the room ranting and raving as I filled the guys in on the article. "I just don’t get it… I’ve been around with you guys on tour and stuff for eight years… now all of a sudden I’m the fucking Anti-Christ."

"Kel…" Brian said quietly as he sat next to me and ran his hand over my back soothingly. "It’ll be okay… we were bound to see a little backlash when people found out that you were dating AJ…"

"This isn’t little Brian…" I said as I jerked away from him and stood up grabbing the paper from Kevin and handing it to Brian. "Have you read it? Have you looked at it? You tell me if you think that is little, Brian… Jesus…" I turned my back to all of the guys and ran my fingers through my hair as I took a deep breath.

The article that had been published in the Chicago Sun Times wasn’t pretty. Put simply, they questioned whether I was really a photographer or not and implied that I was the group whore. The worst part though had to be the pictures. Whoever got it in their head to trash my name in the paper had us followed in Chicago. There was a pictorial timeline with dates and times showing me with the guys. They say that a picture says a thousand words, but in this case it told a thousand lies. The photographer had captured me joking around riding piggy back on Kevin when we first got into town and before Kristen showed up, then the next day I was shown walking out of the hotel with my arm linked to Nick’s when we were all headed to dinner. At the club I was shown dancing with Brian and Howie when they’d been goofing off and made a sandwich around me, then back at the hotel they caught AJ and me kissing in the lobby before he went to bed. The clincher though was a set of pictures of Nick and me from that night. They’d captured us in the restaurant laughing at the table, then walking holding hands as we walked out to the lobby, me jumping at him and him pinning me to the floor and of course his kiss. Those pictures of us in the lobby of the hotel alone made me look like a slut, but added to the rest of the pictures and the article that went along with it was pure tabloid trash.

Howie took the paper from Brian and looked at it, "They must have been following us the whole time… this is nuts. I don’t remember seeing anyone with a camera around."

"They used a zoom…" I said quietly as I turned around and faced them all again. "You can tell by the way that the pictures are so grainy… He or she must have had one hell of a zoom on the camera, makes the pictures shitty quality. The ones from the lobby are clearer because they could have been standing at the door with the rest of the fans."

Brian chuckled, "Only you would critique the quality of the pictures…"

I cracked a slight smile and rolled my eyes, "Yeah well contrary to what this chick wrote about me, I am a photographer…" I sighed again and looked at Nick and AJ who were sitting at opposite sides of the room and were very quiet.

"Well I can talk to management and see if we can get a retraction printed. You could interview with the paper and tell your side of the story, clear things up," Kevin said.

"Yeah but how many people are going to believe me now Kevin? It’s going to look like we made some story up to cover my ass… They’re still going to think whatever the hell they want to think about me. We might as well just forget it…" Anger began to leave my body as the hurt rushed in and I felt tears coming on and I took a moment to compose myself. "Let them believe what they want… I don’t want to cause anymore trouble. I’m the whore that’s all they care about…"I turned and left the room as I started to break down and cry. I made it to the women’s restroom across the hall and sank to the floor hugging my knees to my body as I cried.

Seconds later I heard footsteps and then felt arms wrap around me tightly. I knew without even opening my eyes that it was Kevin. He held me as I cried and spoke quietly to me, "Kel… you’re not ‘the whore’ and we’re not just going to let this drop. They printed lies about you and that was wrong. We’re not going to pretend that what they said was okay. You are not only our friend, but you are an amazing photographer and you are working on this tour, the world needs to know that, and we’re going to let them know. I know this hurts, but it’s going to get better…"

"I can’t do this, Kevin…" I whispered as I held onto him tight and we rocked slightly.

"Do what?"

"All of this… the article, the pictures… I’ve been in the press because of you guys before but this is so different, Kev… I let you guys down."

He pulled my face up to look at me, "You did no such thing…"

"Bullshit…" I sighed. "This is going to cause so much shit for you guys to deal with. Like you don’t already have enough to handle? Now you’ve got to worry about defending the poor little photographer who just so happens to be fucking AJ and has been in bed with a few others too…"

"Kellie…"

"I let you down…" I bit my bottom lip as it trembled and more tears fell down my cheeks. "I hate that I let you down…"

"Honey, come here…" Kevin sighed as he pulled me into a hug again. "You didn’t let us down. You didn’t do anything wrong. Those pictures just show you being the person that the five of us all know and love. Fooling around and being goofy is what you do. And you also happen to take amazing photographs and you’re in love with AJ… that’s nothing to be ashamed of and by all means it’s not wrong. You know just as well as I do what the press can do to twist a story around. You didn’t do anything…"

"What about AJ and Nick? Did you see them in there? They both looked like they’d been slapped in the face… Maybe I didn’t let you all down, but I let them down…"

"They’re upset because you’re upset… that’s all. They both love you, we all love you… and none of us want to see you hurting like this. But I can guarantee you that AJ and Nick are not upset with you. They love you…"

I sat up from Kevin and wiped my tears away angrily, "Yeah well answer me one question then. If they both love me so much and they’re both so concerned about me… why is that you’re the one sitting on the bathroom floor with me? If AJ is so in love with me and I didn’t let him down, why isn’t he in here?" I shook my head when Kevin didn’t have an answer for me and pushed more tears off of my cheeks, "I’ve gotta get out of here… I can’t do this."

"Where are you going?" Kevin asked as I stood up and he followed.

"Back to the hotel I guess? I don’t know… I’m taking the night off… You’ve got another concert here tomorrow, I’ll get pictures then."

"Don’t go back there alone… just stay and watch the concert for fun. Then we’ll all go back together afterward."

I shook my head, "I don’t want to have any fun right now… I just want to go somewhere and cry, and I don’t want to do that here with all of you."

"Kel…"

"Kevin, please don’t make this any harder than it already is!" I yelled and then began to cry again as we stood in the hall between the dressing room and the restroom. "I just need some time okay?" I added in a much softer voice.

He nodded, "Okay… I’m sorry…"

"Me too…" I sighed and wiped my tears yet again before taking a deep breath and walking back into the dressing room to get my bag. I stepped in and any conversation that had been going on promptly stopped as they saw me. I rolled my eyes and picked my bag and coat up off of the floor. I glanced at AJ and Nick who were both still sitting looking at the floor and not talking to anyone and my heart broke a little bit more. I looked at Kevin and shook my head sadly, "Later…"

*****

I’d gone back to the hotel and had a good cry but then got antsy. I didn’t want to be in the hotel anymore with all of the reminders of the guys around me, and I didn’t want to cry anymore. I scribbled a note on a piece of hotel stationary for AJ to tell him that I went "out" and that I’d be back later. I wondered if he’d even care where I was when I left the note, but went ahead and left it anyway.

Sneaking out of the back entrance of the hotel I walked around the city for a few hours just taking in the scenery and occasionally snapping a picture. Chicago by no means was my New York, but being in a large city made me feel at home. I loved the noisiness of the streets and the bright lights mixed with the bright yellow taxicabs and colorful busses. The hectic pace of a large city calmed me for some reason and as I walked through Chicago I began to relax.

Eventually I made it to Navy Pier and sat around watching the people and taking pictures of the scenery. As much as I was enjoying my job touring with the Boys and taking pictures of the tour process, I missed taking random pictures in the city. I missed being able to roam around without security and without worrying that someone was going to recognize us. I loved all of the guys with all of my heart, but to say that being in their lives was hard, was an understatement. There were times where I secretly longed for AJ to be a "normal" guy who could go out without it being a big production. Of course, it was different when we were in Orlando. Rarely would we bother with security there… but anywhere else in the world that we went Marcus went too. Try having a romantic dinner with a bodyguard sitting three feet away; it’s not very romantic at all.

I thought about a lot of things that night as I sat on a bench breathing in the crisp winter air blowing through the city. But the thought that kept entering my mind was the way that AJ and Nick had both looked when they saw the article in the paper. Neither of them had said more than a few words in response to it, and they’d both just shut down. I didn’t know how to take that, and I didn’t know what it meant for my relationship with either of them. I knew in my heart that the only way that I was going to find out how they felt was if I talked to them both, but it just didn’t seem to me that either of them really cared to talk to me just yet.

My cell phone rang around 1:00 in the morning as I was walking back to the hotel slowly. I looked at the Caller ID and saw that it was AJ and the tears I’d shut off hours before threatened to return. "Hello?"

"Hey, baby…" he said quietly.

"Hey…"

"I wanted to give you some time alone because I found your note… but it was getting late so I was starting to worry about you wandering around without anyone with you. You okay?"

"Yeah… I’m a few blocks from the hotel now…"

"You’re coming home?"

Something about the way he called it home hit me hard. My home really was with him and the rest of the guys, and when I’d left that night to think, I had essentially run away from home. "Yeah I’m coming home…" I said quietly.

"Okay… cause I miss you. I know I was an ass earlier, and I should have gone after you to make sure that you were okay when you left, but I don’t know… I freaked out for some reason and I couldn’t move. I kept sitting there telling myself to get up and go after you or to at least say something but I couldn’t. Baby, I love you… I’m so sorry…"

I was crying again, "I’m sorry too…"

"For what?"

I paused as I saw the large crowd of fans standing in front of the hotel and I wiped my tears. "I’m outside of the hotel, I’ve gotta go through the fans so I’m going to put my phone away… I’ll be up in a few minutes okay?"

"Okay … bye…"

"Bye…" I put my phone in an inside coat pocket and then made my way through the group of fans. Apparently Marcus had been waiting for me because when he saw me he helped clear a path for me and I followed him into the hotel. I sighed with relief as we made it inside and away from the fans. The heat of the building hit me and I realized how cold I’d been outside as my skin tingled.

Marcus looked down at me, "You alright, girlie?"

I nodded silently and then pushed the elevator button for us. We rode the elevator in silence and then stepped off on our floor. When we reached his room I looked up at him and smiled slightly, "Night, Marcus…"

Before I could get my keycard into our suite door AJ opened it and I had a hard time looking at him. I felt stupid and I didn’t know why. "God, you must be freezing…" he sighed as he looked at me. I nodded and walked into the room as he closed the door and locked it. He adjusted the thermostat in the room turning the heat up and then looked at me, "Come on…" He took my cold hand and let me into the bedroom and made me sit down on the bed as he started pulling my warmest pajamas from my bag and then found my cow slippers and sat them next to me on the bed. I lost it again and started to cry yet again at his sweet gesture and covered my face with my hands.

"I’m so sorry…" I whispered through my fingers. "I never wanted it to be like this, I never wanted to hurt you or embarrass you and… god, I’m so sorry…"

AJ knelt on the floor before me and looked up at me as he rested his hands on my knees, "Is that what you thought? That you embarrassed me or hurt me? Oh, Kel… No. You didn’t do any of that. You didn’t hurt me or embarrass me."

"Then why wouldn’t you talk to me?" I sighed as I looked down at him. "Why did you ignore me after you saw the article?"

He sighed and shook his head, "Truthfully? Because I was afraid… I was so afraid that the article was going to be too much too soon for you and that you’d say that it wasn’t worth it."

"Say that what wasn’t worth it?"

"Being with me…"

"Oh, honey…"

"You’ve been in my life for eleven years, Kel, and never had to deal with anything as ugly as this… I know how important your name is to you and how important letting people know that you’re good at what you do is. I just kind of flashed forward and saw you telling me that you couldn’t be with me if it meant that people weren’t going to take you seriously… I never wanted to be the reason that critics ignore all of your hard work… I… "

I took AJ’s face in my hands and he flinched at how cold they were, "Don’t ever think that you’re not just as important to me as anything else in my life or that I could walk away from you. You’re right, I do take it very personally when someone disrespects my name… but, honey, I love you. I can’t walk away from that. That article hurt me so much, but losing you would hurt me to a degree that I couldn’t ever begin to put into words."

AJ got up and sat next to me and put his hand on my cheek wiping away a tear with his thumb, "You’re never going to lose me… baby, you’ve got me for life."