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Fifty-three

Nick watched me as we walked out of the back entrance of the hotel and got into a car that was waiting to take us off. "You want to tell me what’s up?" I shook my head no, not quite ready to go there yet and he grabbed my hand in his. I watched his thumb rub over the back of my hand slowly and he smiled, "I can wait… How about we just drive around for a while?" I nodded and then looked out of the window and closed my eyes as I pressed my forehead against the glass.

Visions ran through my head making me want to scream and cry all at the same time as the car began moving and Nick held my hand. My mind went back to all of the good times that AJ and I had shared together over the years and then flashed forward to the previous few weeks when he’s pretty much changed into a complete stranger and started treating me horribly. The words he’d said that night though, the accusations he’d made… those hurt more than anything else did. I felt like my world was crumbling. AJ was my rock, my best friend, my lover… if I didn’t have him and couldn’t trust him, I didn’t know what to do.

I’m not sure how long we drove around before Nick spoke up again, "How about we go dancing? It’s been a while since we’ve danced…"

I smiled and looked at him, "That would be good…"

Nick leaned forward and told Billy and the driver what we wanted to do, and a few minutes later we were in front of a club passing all of the "normal" patrons as we whizzed through the VIP entrance and made our way into the club. Nick handed Billy my purse and I laughed at the look on Billy’s face as Nick pulled me away out onto the dance floor and he was left holding a black purse. Tough to be a big bad bodyguard holding a purse with rhinestone covered straps.

Nick and I ignored the obvious stares from fans in the club as we began dancing to the thumping beat of the song being pumped through the club. The black lights of the club gave everything a surreal look to it and Nick’s white shirt glowed blue while the lightest blonde streaks in his hair glowed too. Just about every thought about how shitty the evening had begun left my mind as Nick and I danced non-stop with one another.

Finally after an hour the music slowed down and we fell into each other’s arms swaying slowly to the music. I rested my head on his shoulder and his hands lingered at the small of my back as our bodies pressed close to one another and the rest of the club seemed to fade away. I picked my head up and looked into his eyes with a smile, "Thank you… for bringing me here…"

"You’re welcome…" he smiled back.

"I miss dancing… it’s been so long."

"Yeah… I mean I dance every day, but it’s not the same…"

I nodded, "It’s nice… I haven’t felt…"

"Felt what?" Nick pushed.

"I haven’t felt so good in a long time. Just having someone touch me gently… You’re not pawing at me, you’re not trying to take my clothes off… you’re just dancing with me. It’s like we’re so close right now, but it feels so right. I miss that…" I put my head on his shoulder again and closed my eyes taking in once again the feeling of his arms being wrapped around me.

He tightened his arms around me and I did the same to him with a sigh, I knew he was going to make me cry if I wasn’t careful. "The last few times we did this I fucked it up…" Nick chuckled. "First I kissed you that one night, and then on my birthday… well… we both know what I did that night…" I smiled and played with the hair at the back of his neck, "Have I apologized for those nights?"

"Several times…" I smiled.

"Oh good…" he laughed and we continued to dance. When the next song began he pulled back slightly, "Wanna take a break and get a drink?"

"One more?" I smiled.

He nodded and pulled me close again, "One more…"

I see the way he treats you,
I feel the tears you cry,
And it makes me sad, and it makes mad,
There's nothing I can do baby.
Cause your lover is my best friend,
And I guess that's where they story ends.
So I've gotta try, to keep it inside,
You will never be, never be mine but…

We danced slowly and then I started talking, "He accused me of cheating..." Nick stayed silent waiting for me to go on and I pulled back to look at him while I spoke. "He mentioned how you and I were napping together today, and something about someone seeing me holding Kevin's hand this morning. I think... no, I know it's just a cover for something else. But it still hurt. I called him on it though. I could see it in his eyes by the time I was done yelling that he was regretting saying what he did. Howie was there... I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head..." I smiled slightly and touched Nick's cheek gently, "Go ahead and say what you're thinking..."

If I was the one who was loving you, baby,
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.
And if I was by your side,
You'd never know one lonely night.
And if it was my arms you were running to,
I'd give you love in these arms of mine.
If I was the one in your life…

"I just can't believe that he has you and is blowing it. After being your friend for so many years and knowing you as well as he does... I can't understand how he can let himself fuck it up."

I nodded and thought about it as tears clouded my eyes, "Probably because he knows that I love him so much I'll never completely let go of him. He'd have to do something completely unforgivable in order for me to leave his life. I may not be his girlfriend after all of this. But I can't let go of the friend I've known for all these years."

If I could have just one wish,
I'd wish that you were mine,
I would hold you near,
Kiss away those tears.
I'd be so good to you baby.
You're the one I want next to me,
But I guess that's just not meant to be.
He's there in your life,
And he's sharing your nights,
It'll never be, never be right.

"How bad does he have to hurt you before you let him go?" Nick asked in a quiet voice.

If I was the one who was loving you, baby,
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.
And if I was by your side,
You'd never know one lonely night
And if it was my arms you were running to,
I'd give you love in these arms of mine.
If I was the one in your life.

I shook my head, "I don't know, Nicky... I've never done this before. I've never been in this deep before." I paused, "Well at least with the guy knowing how I felt at the time..." I smiled shyly and looked away from his eyes.

Yeah, baby. I wanna reach out and feel you beside me,
Right here beside me, babe.
Take you in my arms right now,
Scream 'I love you' right out loud.
Some day I pray, that I'll find the strength,
To turn to you and say...

"So you walked out on him tonight... what happens now?"

If I was the one who was loving you, baby.
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.
And if I was by your side,
You'd never know one lonely night
And if it was my arms you were running to,
I'd give you love in these arms of mine.
If I was the one in your life.

I shook my head sadly, "I don't know, honey... I guess I just hope for the best. Whatever that is..."

If I was the one who was loving you, baby.
The only tears you'd cry would be tears of joy.
And if I was by your side,
You'd never know one lonely night
And if it was my arms you were running to,
I'd give you love in these arms of mine.
If I was the one in your life.
If I was the one, if I was the one, In your life.

He looked at me and smiled, "Well you know that no matter what happens... I'm always here for you."

I smiled and kissed his cheek as I stood on my tiptoes, "I love you, Nicky..."

I hugged him and he hugged me tight and kissed the top of my head, "I love you too..."

 

~ If I Was the One - By Ruff Endz