I don’t know when I started developing feelings toward Howard, and when I say feelings, I mean more than just the brotherly bond we shared within the band. But it seemed as if I’d been struggling to handle these feelings for a while, to hide what I really felt towards this man I’d known for half of my life.

This tour wasn’t helping matters either.

Night after night, we played to sold out venues of screaming – yes, they still screamed for us! – women and then carried on the party afterwards, back at whichever hotel was home for the night.

I had to watch him everyday and it was killing me. I watched as he flirted with women, wishing it was me in their place.

Should I say something?

Should I risk everything, because I couldn’t control myself any longer?

Just being near him, hearing his voice, a quick peek at his amazingly gorgeous face, it was torture.

You'd be so perfect with me but you just can't see,
You turn every head but you don't see me.

No one had any idea how I felt. No one knew my secret. As far as they were concerned, I was a playboy. Jason Orange, the ladies’ man of the group, the one who’d never settled down, never had a relationship for any significant length of time.

I could get any girl I wanted (or so I’d been told). But that’s not what I wanted, although I went along with the perceived image of myself to keep up appearances.

What I wanted was Howard Donald.

More than anything I’d ever wanted in my life.

I thought of him more than was healthy to. I fantasised about him twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Maybe that’s a slight exaggeration, but to me, he was my everything. He just didn’t know it. Not yet anyway.

“Jay…mate, come here and help me get this off. I’m so hot and sweaty after that routine, my top’s stuck to me, I can’t get it off” he called to me as no one else appeared to be around to assist.

The other two had obviously been quicker and were heading back to the stage, ready for the next section of the show. The section of the show which I looked forward to every night we played…Relight My Fire.

I walked slowly over towards Howard; he was struggling with the top, his bare midriff on show and sweat glistening on his body. He was built like a god, an Adonis, he was absolutely stunning. He’d always been known as the body beautiful one of the group.

I ever so carefully placed my hands on edges of his top, inhaling the scent of him, a mixture of sweat and aftershave. A small sigh escaped my lips. He stretched his arms up and our eyes locked, bodies came together, sweaty chest against sweaty chest and that was it…it all changed.

I lifted his top off, up over his head and chucked it down on the floor, then my mouth moved closer and closer to his. I was waiting for him to push me away, to tell me to stop fooling around, but he didn’t. He didn’t push me away. He didn’t look horrified. If anything, he looked as if he wanted this just as much as I did. I slowly brought my lips to his, brushing against them ever so slightly.

“Mmm” he sighed and I kissed him harder, parting his lips with my tongue.

“Jay…we can’t…not here” he said breathlessly, pulling away reluctantly.

He was right of course. We could’ve been caught by anyone at any time, we were under the stage of the arena, where people came and went constantly. Plus we had a show to finish.

“Later?” I asked shyly, hopefully.

“Definitely” he said, as excited as a schoolboy.

We got into our next set of clothes and hurried back on stage before we were missed. How we managed to keep our minds on our work, I really don’t know. But once we got into the routine, all personal feelings were put aside and our full focus was on pleasing the crowd.

But I knew that once the show was over I couldn’t wait to be alone with him. I needed to know that this hadn’t all been a crazy dream.

“See you later” we called out to Mark and Gary, who were going straight back to the hotel where their wives were waiting.

Although I would’ve liked nothing more than Howard, naked in my hotel room, in my bed, I knew we had to talk first. So we went for a curry. We behaved exactly as we always had done, laughing and joking whilst downing a few well deserved drinks to wash down the food. But once the food had been eaten, and we’d left the restaurant in favour of a pub, the easy banter we always shared changed and took a more serious turn.

“So, how long…erm, y’know…?” Howard muttered, his face blushing bright red. I didn’t often see Howard blush. In fact, I don’t recall seeing him so nervous, at least not with me.

“I’ve fancied you for a while” I said honestly.

“Really? But what about all the…” Howard began

“All the girls I’ve shagged?” I laughed and he nodded. ”Just because I fancy you, doesn’t mean I live like a hermit, I find girls attractive too”

“But…I’m not gay” Howard muttered.

“Neither am I!” I exclaimed. “I fancy girls just as much as the next man…but I also find men attractive too”

“Back there, in the arena…I can’t explain. It was like nothing I’ve ever experienced before” he admitted.

“And is that good or bad?” I asked, hoping it was the answer I wanted to hear.

“It was good” he smiled “it was surprisingly good”

We finished our drinks, both of us eager to get back to the hotel and see where this chemistry would take us. We hopped into a taxi, hoping that Gary and Mark would be nowhere to be seen when we got back. They weren’t.

“So, your room or mine?” I asked, a mixture of excitement and nerves in my voice.

“Yours” replied Howard.

Once we were alone in my room, we stood for a moment, not sure what to do. I’d never had sex with another man before, although I had kissed other men in the past. But then it all fell into place, it was so natural.

He pulled me towards him roughly, wrapping his arms around me whilst I ran my hands through his thick curly hair and down his back, our mouths crashing hard against each other, stubble against stubble.

“Are you sure you really want to do this Howard?” I murmured.

He began peeling my clothes off in reply. It was fantastic, the best sex I’d ever experienced in my life.

“We have to keep this between us Jay” he said the next morning as we lay in each other’s arms.

“I know, don’t worry. No regrets?” I asked

“No way” he said “it was strange, but beautiful”