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Chapter 17

The next few days went by in a blur. I didn’t see or hear from Aj at all. Howie picked me up the day after the show from Josh’s hotel room with a change of clothes supplied by Mollee and he kept me out all day shopping and eating at all the best restaurants in the area. He deposited me to Mollee who ushered me quickly into her bunk where we talked the night away and she insisted I sleep in her bed with her. I woke up to Nick bright and early ready to take Mollee and me out rock climbing. That night I spent with Josh in his hotel room where we made out hungrily and then he escorted me to the bus where he stayed for our trip to Scotland. We arrived with only a few hours before the show so Josh ran to get to work setting up the equipment and Mollee all but marched me to the stage to stretch and warm up.

“You guys are exhausting” I joked as Mollee brought me on stage and sat across from me after sweeping the area with her eyes as if she thought Aj was going to roll out from under the stage with his girl

“Well good. Exhausted people don’t spend time thinking about things they shouldn’t” Mollee reasoned and I rolled my eyes. While I was flattered that everyone was taking such care to protect my feelings I can’t say that it kept Aj from my thoughts. On the contrary it seemed like the less I saw him the more I thought about him. It was like dieting. The more you deny yourself that chocolate the more you crave it with every fiber of your being. I couldn’t help but feel a little excited at the prospect of seeing him tonight.

“Incoming” I heard from behind me as Camie came in and sat unusually close to me. I followed her stare in the direction she had just come from to see Aj walking very publically with the brunette from before on his arm. They stopped and surveyed the crowd and I couldn’t help but feel that Aj was trying to make sure I was among the people on stage before he opened his mouth

“Everyone I have an announcement” He said cheekily as if he didn’t already have everyone’s attention

“What is she still doing here? I thought she was just visiting in Manchester” Nick whispered angrily as Aj’s smile grew

“In case you don’t know this is Missy and she is joining us on tour. As my girlfriend” Aj emphasized the last word and I waited for pain to come but instead a giggle bubbled out of my lips. I couldn’t help it, it was so ridiculous. Looking at this girl, well, she looked a lot like me if I had breast implants. She smiled vacantly and kissed Aj’s jaw and all I could do was laugh at this transparent attempt to make me angry. Suddenly I was dissolved in giggles, clutching my side and burying my face in Mollee’s lap. She seemed concerned for a second but after a moment it became impossible to mistake my hysterical laughter for anything but what it was and she joined me

“Welcome” I said through giggles as I wiped my eyes from tears of laughter “I hope you enjoy touring” and then I was gone, laughing so hard that I could barely breathe. Mollee joined me before long and soon everyone was laughing, though more at my hysterics than at Aj’s attempt to hurt me, and Aj gave Missy a frustrated look before leaving to deposit her wherever she would be spending the show

“Ok Kat calm down, Jesus” Mollee said through her own laughter as I fought to get myself under control

“I’m sorry but my God how much more transparent do you get?” I asked as there was some general mumbling of agreement

“Finally a response I can get behind” Camie said and since I was still high from my laughter I just turned to her

“What do you mean?”

“Seeing you so love sick over this dude is getting old. I can get behind a girl who can laugh at his pitiful attempts to prove he’s moved on” Camie explained and while I couldn’t agree with the malicious tone in her voice a part of me was proud that even Camie was aware that this was the most ridiculous thing Aj could have done. He just proved how stuck on me he still was. I wasn’t proud of it but that fact had lifted my spirits considerably. In a complete state of double standard I felt that as long as I knew that he still had feelings for me it was ok for me to be with Josh and still have feelings for him

“All right hair and make up for the girls” Sophie exclaimed once everyone had calmed down and the four of us marched to our stations

“Hey Kat” I heard from behind me and turned to see Camie “Sit next to me will you? I want to talk” I nodded raising a questioning eyebrow at Mollee behind her back which Mollee answered with a shrug

“What’s up?” I asked as the hair guy began to work on my hair

“I’m sorry about everything with Aj. It was a night of drunkenness but I was still a bitch for coming between you two. It won’t happen again” She said. I expected to feel the urge to tell her to go fuck herself but instead a little piece of me seemed to loosen up. I hated having enemies and one less was something to celebrate

“Apology accepted. Now is it just me or is that girl an exact replica of yours truly” I whispered wickedly and she grinned

“It’s uncanny” Camie whispered back. We laughed and had a good time while we got ready and I even stood next to her in our prayer circle. Mollee seemed conflicted. She was happy with anything that allowed me to let Aj go but she was still no fan of Camie’s. I cornered Mollee as we went to our places because I knew she was dying to say something to me about it

“Well?” I asked expectantly as Mollee paused

“Just don’t trust her ok?” Mollee said not needing to explain her subject matter

“Only as far as I could throw her” I said with a grin which Mollee returned

“Look at you. You resemble the Kat I know” She said happily with a kiss on my forehead before bouncing off to position behind Nick. I placed myself behind Aj and he turned as soon as he felt my presence

“Is it really so hilarious to you that I could find someone else?” Aj asked clearly hurt by my earlier reaction. I was taken aback by the pain in his eyes that I had vowed I would do anything in my power to rid him of

“Oh Aj I’m sorry. It wasn’t that. I’m just tired and I got the giggles. I’m very happy for you” I said and he glared at me

“I can’t believe I ever thought you were worth my time” He said harshly before turning towards the screen. I tried to catch my breath because his words had knocked the wind out of me. What was I doing that was so wrong? He was the one who had initiated this whole unofficial “we hate each other” agreement. And yet despite what Mollee had said about my returning more to my usual self I couldn’t deny that I felt more like I was walking away from who I was with each step I took away from Aj. I tried to clear my head but as usual once we hit the stage Aj and I were all over each other and the pain I was feeling had time to settle into the depths of my stomach.

The next week flew by as we made the rounds in England and moved onto Ireland. Missy became a figure of the tour bringing out the worst in me every time she was around. Aj and I had settled into the oddest relationship cycle I had ever encountered. When we were on stage we were completely into one another. It was almost as if nothing had happened and we were together and in love. He would thrill me and I would see the sparkle return to his eyes as I’d flash him a smile when we completed a difficult move together to perfection. But as soon as we stepped off stage we were at war. He would flaunt Missy in the most visible places possible and I would make comments that I’d be horrified hearing from my worst enemy’s mouth, let alone my own.

In those moments when I was ugliest it seemed that Camie was always there as my new best friend and confidant in the war against Aj and Missy. While I never completely let her in it helped me feel less horrible about myself when I wasn’t the only one saying nasty things. In a strange cause and effect the more I felt myself becoming this jealous bitch the more time I wanted to spend with Josh who reminded me of who I really was. Of course all Aj saw was me getting closer to Josh and that drove him crazy. Everyone else tried to stay out of our way when Aj and I had to come in contact and it was creating some intensely awkward situations for everyone on tour. So when I woke up on November 21st in Germany I was acutely aware that for some reason I was feeling more solemn and grounded in my own skin than I had been recently and as I struggled to figure out why Mollee climbed into bed next to me and wrapped me in a tight hug.

“It’s been so crazy on the road that I’d almost forgotten” She said quietly as I sighed and it hit me. It was the anniversary of our parent’s deaths.

“Me too” I said as tears sprang into my eyes. I held Mollee tightly and she cried silently into my shoulder. We stayed like that for about a half an hour until we couldn’t produce another tear

“What are we going to do for them today? We’re in Germany so this will be the first time we won’t get to spend this day with them” Mollee said as we lay next to each other staring at the ceiling of my bunk. It was our tradition to spend the day, rain or shine, at our parent’s graves. Usually we’d pack a picnic and bring some books and just talk and spend time. Today it obviously wasn’t possible

“Well we have the day off and it’s not snowing yet. We could still do a picnic somewhere” I offered

“Know anyplace off-hand in Germany?” Mollee asked and I sighed

“Maybe one of the guys could find something. Does Nick know?” I asked turning and playing with her hair

“Not about today, no, but I could call him” She said as I nodded

“You do that and I’m going to take a shower” I said swinging myself slowly out of the bunk and into the bathroom. As I undressed and adjusted the water temperature I tried to remember some of the little details about mom and dad. I remember how terrifying it had been when those details had begun to slip away. The exact color of the highlights in mom’s hair, the way dad smelled when he came in from a cold day at work, the way they would look at each other with such love in their eyes. Then I started to worry that I didn’t remember where I had put the scrapbook we had made with pictures and keepsakes from the two of them. I ran out of the shower, leaving it on and barely covering myself with a towel to find Mollee. She wasn’t in the bunk so I ran to the clothes room and began to tear apart all of our stuff in my search. My panic began to rise as I found other albums but not the one with mom and dad in it. Pretty soon I was crying and soaking wet and it wasn’t until I felt strong arms around me that I was able to take a proper breath

“Shhh beautiful you’ll be ok” Josh said wrapping me in my towel and then in his arms. He rocked me back and forth and I buried my head in his chest trying desperately to rid myself of the feeling that I had somehow lost the few memories of my mom and dad that I had left

“I can’t find it. I can’t find it anywhere” I sobbed and Josh held me closer

“Can’t find what?” He asked quietly as I sniffled

“The pictures of my mom and dad” I cried as Josh rocked me again until I could catch my breath

“Kat what happened?” Mollee asked with Nick not far behind

“I lost them. I lost the pictures. Now we’ll forget everything” I sobbed. Mollee gave me a sad smile and pulled out the album from where it had been by her side. She dropped it where I was sitting and I clutched it like a lifeline

“I’m so sorry Booger I was showing Nick. I didn’t think you’d need it” She said crouching down to my level to wipe my face. Nick disappeared for a second and then I heard the shower shut off. Josh helped me to my feet and I stood there for a moment shivering in my towel but still safe in Josh’s arms

“I’m sorry I freaked out” I said quietly to Josh who shook his head

“You have nothing to be sorry about today” He said sternly before kissing the top of my head

“Nick found a place we can have a picnic and go through the pictures and read some of our favorite books” Mollee said and I nodded with a small smile

“I’ll get dressed and then can we go?” I asked as she hugged me

“We can both get dressed. Boys can we get a little privacy?” Mollee asked as Josh slowly let go of me and Nick kissed Mollee’s forehead before leading him out. We picked out each other’s clothes, purposely finding clothes in colors mom and dad had particularly liked and then bundled up for the coldest picnic ever. I grabbed the big blankets from both Mollee’s bunk and my own and Mollee grabbed some extra sweaters. When I walked out of the bus Nick was holding an already packed picnic basket and Josh pushed hot thermoses of coffee into our hands

“We have the best boys” I said and Mollee agreed as we followed Nick to a rented car. He drove us to a small park that looked out over a beautiful mountain range and we found a perfect spot under a tree to set up our cozy camp. We all bundled under the blankets, Mollee and I in the middle with Nick and Josh as bookends on either side and then Mollee pulled out the scrap book.

“These are baby pictures” Mollee explained opening up to the first page. A little boy with my bright blue eyes stared back at me with a grin that spread from ear to ear. He was wearing an adorable blue pinstriped jumper and holding a red ball

“Your dad has your eyes” Josh commented as I smiled

“And look Mom gave Kat her crazy morning hair” Mollee joked as we laughed at the picture of mom as a toddler with so much cake on her face that her hair stuck straight up with frosting

“Are your grandparents still around?” Nick asked as I shook my head

“Nope us Blackwells die young” I said as Mollee elbowed me

“Well that stops now” Josh said and Mollee nodded in agreement

“Oh look at mom in high school. She was beautiful” I said happily as we turned the page. Mom’s yearbook picture was almost a joke it was so perfect. She had Mollee’s natural perfect curls and those bright green eyes. Her smile lit up the page.

“Dad was such a nerd” Mollee said with a grin as we took in dad’s bad hair and ridiculous mustache

“But he was a foxy nerd” I said with affection looking at his blue eyes and dark chestnut hair. We moved through college pictures with Dad and his football and mom at marches and protests

“Mom spent more time picketing than studying” Mollee explained with pride

“She’s where we get our… tenacity?” I struggled

“Call a spade a spade Booger. She’s where we get our stubbornness” Mollee joked

“She sure does look like a strong woman. She’d be proud of you” Nick said causing me to blush a little. Next we were on to wedding pictures where dad had grown out of his awkward teens and into a dashing man in his late twenties. Mom was stunning as ever and the two of them looked like they had come directly out of a wedding catalogue

“I want to wear that dress” I said running my hands lightly over mom’s wedding dress in the picture

“Not if I get to it first” Mollee said bumping my shoulder. We continued on to pictures of mom holding smiling baby girls and dad teaching them softball and all four of us in family pictures both posed and candid. We reminisced about summers on the beach and winters at ski lodges and of course millions of dance recitals. We reached the end and shut the book about two hours later. The wind was blowing cold but I was cuddled under a multitude of blankets and sharing body heat with Josh and Mollee. We set up for the picnic and ate some sandwiches and fruit and drank hot chocolate. After that we read some of our favorite stories and told even more original ones about mom’s irrational fear of birds and dad’s tendencies to wear extremely outrageous ties. Nick and Josh were wonderful the whole time laughing and listening and sometimes sharing their own families’ stories. It started to get dark early so we packed up and headed back.

“You know we may not have been at mom and dad’s graves but I think this is the best remembrance ever. I just feel like they’re with us now” I said contentedly as Josh wrapped an arm around my shoulder while we cuddled in the back seat of the car

“Of course they are. Look at the way Mollee’s hair bounces in her curls or how your eyes shine when you’re happy. The way you make dumb jokes and your sister stands up for everything she believes in. You are the best memoriam to your parents. You and your sister” Josh said sweetly and a single tear ran down my cheek

“Oh he’s a keeper that one” Mollee said from the front seat where she was holding Nick’s hand and stroking it lightly

“I think so” I said and gave Josh a light peck on the cheek. I took a deep breath and realized that in this moment I was truly me and mom and dad would be proud. We pulled up to the lot and I went to grab some of the blankets but Josh stopped me

“We have one more surprise. Leave everything and come with us” Josh said taking my hand as Nick took Mollee’s

“What more could we ask for? You two have been so wonderful today” Mollee said as Nick smiled and pointed towards our bus. All you could see in the dark were pinpricks of light but as we got closer we saw everyone sitting on the steps with candles. Howie got up and hugged me tightly before handing me a candle and offering me a seat next to him. Josh, Mollee, and Nick all grabbed candles and took seats

“We just wanted to have some way to remember your parents with you tonight” Nick explained as I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes

“We’ve all lost people in our lives. This is as good of a night as any, in memory of your parents, to remember anyone we’ve loved and lost” Howie said squeezing my hand. I looked around at the illuminated faces of my friends. Camie was holding a candle and I was surprised to see she was silently crying. Who had she lost? Brian was on the other side of Mollee with Leighanne and Bailey and they were all holding each other. Howie had Leigh behind him with baby James in her arms. Sophie was on one side of Nick and he was holding Mollee who was letting silent tears fall as well

“You guys this is incredible” I said quietly “I don’t know what to say”

“Tell us a story about your parents. Then we can go around and all say something about someone we have lost. We’ll stay out until the candles burn down” Brian said as I smiled

“That sounds perfect. I have a great story. One Christmas our tree fell down, ornaments and all, and-” I started but was interrupted

“What’s going on here?” A voice that I instantly recognized said from the darkness. Josh instinctively pulled me close and my mood darkened as Aj walked up with Missy by his side

“Nothing dude it’s just something for Kat and Mollee…” Howie said standing up and handing his candle to Leigh “Come on and walk with me and I’ll explain”

“Looks like anyone who is anyone was invited” He said jerkily as anger began to burn like a fire in my chest

“We didn’t mean to exclude you from anything bro. Just come with me and I’ll explain everything” Howie tried again as he picked his way down the stairs of the bus so he could get Aj away and explain

“It looks like a party. Maybe I don’t want to leave” Aj said and I snapped

“This is for friends only. Get the hell out of here before I remove you” I said slowly and clearly but full of anger

“What? I can’t come to a candle party?” He asked and I stood up quickly

“You are an asshole, an incredible asshole. Today is the anniversary of our parent’s deaths. Our FRIENDS put this together to help us celebrate their lives. You are ruining everything. Get the hell out of here” I yelled with tears streaming down my cheeks by the end. Aj looked completely stunned

“Oh. Oh God. Kat, Mollee, I’m so-” Aj started but Missy cut him off

“You can’t talk to him like that! After everything you’ve put him through! Who do you think you are?” Missy yelled and my jaw just dropped in disbelief

“Cut it out Missy” Aj said loudly and she dropped quiet “Kat is hurting. She’s mourning for her parents. When we mourn we don’t always say the nicest things”

“But babe-”

“Enough. Just be quiet. We’ll leave. We’re leaving. I’m sorry guys. Kat, Mollee, I’m so sorry for your loss” He said and for a moment I saw Aj and he saw me and our eyes locked

“It’s ok. I’m sorry I lost my temper. Rough day” I whispered to him and he nodded

“If you need anything….well… you know” He said lamely before turning and walking away. It took a few minutes for the air to settle after that but it finally did and we all shared stories of people we had loved and lost. Bailey told an adorable story about his fish and I tried to get wrapped up in everyone’s memories but all I could think about was Aj. When the candles had burned down everyone said goodnight and I thanked everyone profusely. I gave Nick an extra long hug and a kiss on the cheek

“You are an amazing human being” I said in his ear and he kissed my forehead

“You” He said simply and took a few steps back so I could see Josh

“You are incredible. Absolutely incredible” I said as he smiled

“Seeing you happy and yourself was all the thanks I needed” Josh said sweetly as I smiled

“Can I ask you something?” I asked as Josh grinned

“You just did but I guess you can ask something else” He said goofily

“Will you be my boyfriend?” I blurted out and Josh grinned so wide it looked like his mouth would fall off his face. I heard Mollee gasp happily and I let out a small grin

“Hell yeah” He said happily before pulling me into a hug and twirling me around. He kissed me deeply and I smiled wide when he pulled back

“Now I have to ask something harder” I said as Josh’s smile faded a little

“What?”

“Can I spend our first official night as boyfriend and girlfriend with my sister?” I asked as his grin returned at full power

“Of course but I get you tomorrow night” He said happily

“You can have me all the nights after that if you want. I’m yours” I said and he shook his head

“You’re yours. I just get to share you” He said and gave me one last kiss before heading off for his hotel room

“Well that’s awesome” Mollee said from behind me and I turned to see that Nick had snuck off

“It was time” I said happily as Mollee grinned. She looped her arm in mine and we went back to the bus. Our blankets were on our beds and I cuddled next to Mollee on her bunk

“I think they’d be proud of us” Mollee said once we were settled in bed together

“Me too” I said quietly. I drifted off to a light sleep but was awoken by the vibrating of my phone above me. I reached up to my bunk and squinted at the caller ID in the display. It was Aj. I crept out of bed, careful not to wake Mollee, and snuck upstairs to the reflection room before answering “Hello?”

“Hey” He said quietly and then there was silence

“You ok?” I asked and I heard him sigh

“I feel terrible about tonight. I had no idea. And then what Missy said…” He trailed off and I sighed too

“Today was too good of a day for even you to ruin Aj. Don’t worry about it” I said quietly while absently twirling the fringe on the edge of one of the pillows

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me” He said quietly

“I didn’t need you today. I had plenty of people. My sister, my friends and my boyfriend-” I began ticking them off but Aj interrupted me

“Oh so he’s your boyfriend now?” Aj asked as I rolled my eyes

“You can’t say you didn’t see it coming” I said through a yawn “We’ve been dating for a while and have been friends almost as long as I’ve known you”

“That sounds safe as houses. He’ll never hurt you” Aj said but with a tone that made it clear he didn’t think either of those things was particularly admirable

“He is a marvelous person who thinks about people besides himself and he adores me. You’ve got your girlfriend you must know what that’s like” I shot back with more than a hint of sarcasm

“I didn’t call to fight. I just wanted to apologize and see if you needed someone to talk to” Aj said quickly, clearly trying to keep his temper in check. I sighed. Why does he bring out the worst in me lately?

“I’m sorry Aj. I didn’t mean to goad you. Thank you for calling. It was very thoughtful of you but I’m going to go back to bed” I said through another yawn

“Is he waiting for you?” Aj asked quietly

“No, she is. I’m spending the night with Mollee. You know, my sister” I said tiredly as Aj sighed

“I don’t know how we ended up here” He said and I could hear the sadness in his voice

“Aj can we not do this right now?” I asked and I heard him let out a big gust of breath

“Fine but just one more thing” Aj said

“I’m listening”

“Be careful hanging around Camie. I know you two are buddies now or something but you can’t trust her. She’s manipulative” He warned and I was taken aback. Was he really warning me about Camie?

“I can handle myself, thank you” I said a little more harshly than I had meant to

“I know. I miss you Kat” He said

“There are times I miss you too Aj” I said quietly. I held onto the phone and we sat in silence. I knew we were at the end of our little truce. Tomorrow world war three would be back on. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t bring myself to hang up

“I’m sorry I said you weren’t worth my time. It’s not true” Aj said after a minute of silence

“I’m sorry I called you an asshole and laughed at your girlfriend. I really do want you to be happy” I said quietly. Another minute of silence passed

“I love you” He whispered and my heart broke

“Goodnight Aj” I said and hung up the phone. One tear ran down my cheek and I had to take about ten minutes to compose myself before I could climb back into bed with Mollee. That night I had the old falling dream again with Aj and his violent storms on one side and Josh and his calm breezes on the other. The only thing I was sure of when I woke up was that if I kept straddling this line I was the one that would end up crashing down to Earth. And it wouldn’t be pretty.