I woke up the next morning and immediately smiled. My stomach, though a little sore, felt completely normal. I wasn’t ecstatic about the situation that had caused it but I would not spare a second missing any of the nausea. It certainly didn’t make me want to get pregnant any time soon. I rolled over and was face to face with my ballet shoe. It wasn’t my actual ballet shoe but the one Josh had replicated for me in drawing. I sighed as a sliver of sadness crept into my heart when I took in each one of his portraits hanging in my bunk. They were all intricately drawn with the care one puts into something that means the world to them. My phone vibrated and I glanced at it.
“Can you call me when you wake up so I know you’re ok?” Aj’s text message shone brightly and I smiled a little
“I’m up and I’m feeling great. If you want company I’ll come over once we get to Sweden. I just have one thing to do first” I texted back. I put my phone down and contemplated the pictures in front of me. I had really not been fair to Josh. He had made some of his own mistakes but I had driven him to it. The fact that I didn’t do it purposefully didn’t make it any less wrong. I remembered back to my first days after Aj and I had broken up and how lonely I had felt. The only thing that had made me feel better back then had been the knowledge that Aj was thinking about me. I needed to fix this.
I swung carefully down from my bunk and saw that everyone else seemed to be sleeping. I headed to my dresser and pulled out my photo albums. I found one that was only half filled with dance recital pictures and combined it with another half filled one. I grabbed the now empty photo album and my art supplies and made my way back to my bunk.
Carefully, so I wouldn’t tear the edges, I removed the drawings from where they were taped to my bunk and carried the whole pile of stuff up to the reflection room. I cleared out a space in the pillows and got to work.
I ordered the pictures chronologically and framed them with colored construction paper. Then I took some photos I had of Josh and I – many of which showed me asleep in his arms – and scattered them throughout the album as well. Then I began to write captions for each one. I approximated dates the best I could and recalled wonderful memories. I wrote about our first date on Portobello Road, mini golfing on Halloween, working up in the grid, truth or dare with the girls, lazy days in hotel rooms pretending the world didn’t exist and any other memories that brought a smile to my face.
It is true that I may have rushed into things with him before my heart had mended from Aj and it is also true that I never really got over Aj at all but as I looked at all the memories in cheesy glitter pen and construction paper I realized how true it was that I had really loved this guy. By the time I had finished putting the scrap book together we had stopped at the arena in Sweden. I carefully placed the album next to me and grabbed my notebook. A half an hour later I put my pen down and re-read my letter.
Dear Josh,
In this box are some things you left with me. I’m sure you don’t want to see me right now but many things were left unsaid so I’m writing you this letter.
I miss you. I miss your smile and the way you make me feel like I’m wonder woman. I miss the way your hair falls in that crazy halo when you’ve been up in the grid all day. I miss your humor and your perspective. I miss everything about you.
The way we ended was crazy. Now that I think of it the way we started was crazy so I guess it’s all come full circle. When I met you I had no intention of falling in love with you. I wanted something to take my mind off of a crappy situation and you were the perfect distraction. I realize that wasn’t fair. I was hurt when you found me but that doesn’t excuse the fact that for those first few days that I knew you, I was using you.
But then I began to really see you. I saw how big your heart was and how much you just wanted to see me smile. I was wounded and incomplete but you saw me as capable and told me as much. Then miraculously, against all odds, my shattered heart began to beat for you. I fell in love with you Josh. I began to look forward to seeing you more than anyone else and every moment I wasn’t with you was a moment wasted.
And then life got in the way. I made some terrible mistakes that I can’t take back but the worst thing I did was hurting you. I wanted to give you every bit of me but there were parts that weren’t mine to give. I hope you believe me when I say that I never meant for any of this to happen but the past is the past and there’s nothing we can do to change it.
I’m sorry if you’re hurting. I want nothing more than for you to be happy. I hope that someday you can look at this album and smile at all the memories. The end of our relationship shouldn’t taint how wonderful the rest of it was. I also hope that someday soon you’ll be able to forgive me. I lost more than my boyfriend in this. I lost a good friend. I hope in time I can at least get that back. I included all the pictures you drew of me in this box not because I didn’t want to keep them but because they are amazing and I thought you might want them for your portfolio. Anything you don’t use I’d love to have back if you don’t mind.
I’m sorry I lost your love, your friendship and your trust. As soon as you think I deserve it I’d love to have some of that back. I’ll be waiting.
Kat
With a sad smile I sealed the letter and began putting everything I had from Josh in a box. I folded up a few of his sweaters that had ended up on the bus and laid a hat of his gently down over them. I added his razor, brush, toothbrush, deodorant and body wash before I carefully lowered the album down last. Then I sealed the box and taped the envelope with the letter to the top before writing his name on the front.
I headed out into the cold morning air and located the breakfast bar. No one was there so I took the biggest bowl I could find, added the entire yogurt container from the cart and began to arrange fruit pieces into figures of a guy and a girl. I smiled at the goofy mango slice hair of the guy and the strawberry lips of the girl before balancing the bowl carefully on top of the box and going to the check in point where Scott was.
“Need some help?” He asked as I nodded and he took everything out of my hands
“Has Josh come in yet this morning?” I asked and he shook his head
“Not yet but he should be due any minute now if you want to wait for him” He said
“I don’t think he wants to see me” I said quietly and Scott gave a knowing look
“Is there trouble in paradise?” He asked with a smirk
“More like an atom bomb but it’ll be ok eventually. Do you think you could do your part in the reconstruction by making sure he gets all of this?” I asked
“I think I could do that” He said and I smiled “I like you. I always thought Josh wasn’t good enough”
“Unfortunately it seems like I wasn’t good enough for him” I said and turned before he could comment further. I walked to the corner of the arena and hid so I could try and see if Scott stayed true to his word and the box got where it belonged. After about five minutes I recognized a familiar mop of hair and saw Scott deliver the package and the yogurt. Even from far away I could tell Josh was smiling at the breakfast bowl which made me smile too. It had worked for me once when I had my heart broken. Then I saw him begin to read the letter and I decided to leave him to his own emotions.
I began a slow walk back to the bus to get changed before going to see Aj. I felt a little better but was still solemn as a result of the morning’s activities. Once I got out of the shower and dressed I went to text Aj to tell him I was coming and I saw that I had one missed message and it was from Josh.
Thanks
I smiled, grabbed my purse and made my way to Aj’s bus
“Are you ok?” Aj asked after letting me into his bus
“I’m actually great. I tried to fix things with Josh” I said and Aj’s eyes went to the floor
“Oh. So you’re back together?” He asked and I couldn’t stop myself from giggling a bit
“I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed but we might be able to be friends again someday” I said and watched the light return to his eyes
“Friends is good” He said happily and I nudged him
“You’re impossible” I said and he hugged me tightly
“I want you to know that while I understand you might need time I am prepared to fight anyone waiting in line for your heart” He said into my hair and I couldn’t stop my smile
“Enough” I said with a blush
“You really have no idea how cute you are when you blush, do you?” Aj said tenderly brushing my cheek with the back of his hand. His hand lingered a little too long and it was all I could do to keep myself from leaning into his touch and letting it bring me to his lips
“Ok” I said to interrupt my own thoughts “We need supervision”
“What do you mean?” He asked with a pout
“I want to spend my day off with you but I think we could use some company” I said with a small grin as Aj rolled his eyes
“I miss the rebellious you” He joked and I stuck out my tongue at him before sending a mass text to everyone. Soon after my phone began to vibrate like crazy with responses
“Ok, come on” I said after reading and sending text messages for a solid ten minutes
“Where are we going?” He asked taking my hand tentatively
“The dancers are hosting a game day in their bus and everyone is coming” I said happily
“You’re adorable even when you’re driving me crazy” Aj said. I just pulled him out of the bus and towards my own where Mollee was waiting for me with a smile. Before long everyone was lounging on pillows and bean bag chairs on the upper level of our bus. Howie was sitting with a bowl of chips in his lap next to Sophie who was looking at the Wii controller as if it would bite her. On her other side was Camie who was helping Brian team up on Nick to steal all the pillows so he wouldn’t have any. Mollee was at her usual place on Nick’s other side and I was at my usual place next to her. Aj sat so close to me that I could feel his heart beat and I smiled as the beat from my own heart matched his.
“Ok everyone” I said once the drinks and snacks had circulated and everyone was settled with a controller “The first game of the day is Mario Kart. Has everyone played before?”
“I haven’t” Sophie said with concern causing Howie to laugh at her
“I’ll be in charge of helping her figure it out. We speak the same language” He said with a grin which I returned
“Ok so Sophie has a handicap. No red shells or bumping her off the road if you can help it. Do you hear me Mr. Carter?” I said to Nick who had finally won a pillow off of Brian
“You act like I take games too seriously or something” He said with an attempt at innocence. Brian smacked him in the back of the head and we all laughed
“Alright let’s get to it!” I said happily sitting next to Aj and putting an acceptable amount of space between us.
“It’s nice to see you so happy” Aj said in my ear having closed the gap I had left. A small shiver ran through my body as he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear
“My life resembles itself again” I said with a smile as I gazed around the room “No one hates Camie and she is acting like a human being, Nick and my sister are completely in love, Josh and I are going to be able to be friends and we-”
“This is my favorite part” He interrupted and I tried to suppress my laugh
“We aren’t fighting anymore. We are just free to be whatever it is we will be and nothing has to be wrong or scandalous about it” I dropped my voice to a whisper “I’m not carrying your baby, you’re not dating a crazy person-”
“Hey now” Aj interrupted again
“Oh like it’s not true” I joked and he smiled
“Well I’m glad things are turning around. I haven’t seen your eyes this blue in a long time” Aj said meeting my glance. I felt warmth creep into my cheeks again and Aj’s smile widened
“Well you seem pretty happy too, all things considered” I answered after taking a moment to compose myself
“I’m sitting next to my favorite person in the world. What’s not to be happy about?” He asked. I let myself really look into his eyes then, really take them in and drink them deep. The chaos from the room slowly faded to the background and my heart swelled as I entered that world where only he and I exist. Then a pillow hit me in the back of the head.
“Ok who is starting shit already?” I asked with a big smile to cover up the vertigo of being ripped from a private world and put right back into a noisy, public one
“I have no idea” Howie said looking directly at Brian
“Someone’s throwing things” Brian said shaking his head nonchalantly. I pretended to turn back around and then grabbed the pillow and chucked it back at Brian. It hit him directly in the head and I laughed loud. It felt really good
“Watch the hair!” He joked “And can you pick a darn character already so the race can begin?”
“You are asking for it my friend. Watch your back you never know when I’ll get my revenge!” I said dramatically before sitting back down next to Aj and selecting Rosalina and a motorcycle.
The day flew by. Once we had our fill of racing we started a multiplayer game of Mario Galaxy which allowed the less game inclined to relax and watch. We ordered pizza for lunch since no one was willing to leave our little party and then settled in to some choice board games that Sophie had brought along. Catchphrase turned into Monopoly which almost ended in a fist fight so around dinner we ordered Chinese and settled in to watch some movies.
I hadn’t had this much fun in my recent memory. Everyone was getting along and once Aj loosened up he was able to play instead of continuously come on to me. It’s not that I really minded but it hurt my head to think about what I wanted out of him and a relationship. It was much simpler to pretend that my heart rate didn’t accelerate beyond what was healthy every time I caught him looking at me. And I did my best to take deep breaths to stay in control when a game got really heated and Aj and I would end up play fighting and flirting.
But when the lights went down and everyone piled more or less on top of each other to watch the Blair Witch Project my palms got sweaty and I was suddenly aware that the air between Aj and I seemed electrified. It was so palpable I was surprised that no one else could feel it. Against my better judgment I glanced at Aj and he caught my eye and gave me the sexiest smile I think I’d ever seen. As the opening music played, he slowly ran his hand up my arm and to my shoulder where it gently caressed my collar bone and then my jaw until it reached my lips. I sat there, frozen in the moment, as he traced the shape of them and then began to lean into me. Alarms and fireworks went off simultaneously in my head as he tilted his chin at the last moment to whisper in my ear
“You are so beautiful” My heart melted and raced all at once
“Aj, I just, I need some” I stuttered trying to clear my head but he just laughed a little and whispered in my ear again
“I don’t expect anything my love. Don’t worry. I’m just telling you what is on my mind” He said sweetly and my anxiety lessened a bit. He pulled me slowly into his lap and wrapped his arms protectively around me and after a moment of panic I was able to settle into my place in his chest and just enjoy his touch.
After the movie ended it was unanimously decided that we would all have a sleepover so everyone went back to their busses to change and grab blankets and pillows. As I watched Aj leave for his bus my heart ached a bit and I frowned at it. This is no time to be jumping into things. Get some control!
“You look like you could use a sister to talk to” Mollee said from behind me while looping her arm in mine and steering me into the bathroom
“It seems like I don’t have a choice” I joked as she locked the door and faced me head on
“What makes you think you ever have a choice?” She joked back “So there are a lot of confusing feelings going on in your corner of the room tonight”
“I think the problem is how confusing the feelings aren’t” I sighed and Mollee smiled
“Listen. You’ve just been through a breakup” Mollee started
“I know. So it’s so irresponsible of me to even think of anything but healing and moving on right now” I interrupted but she cut in
“Let me finish. You’ve just been through a breakup and normally I would advise you to take it slow” Mollee finished and I rolled my eyes
“Isn’t that what I just said?”
“BUT” She said pointedly “You and Aj don’t play by the rules. You never have. You’re happy with him. He’s good to you. I haven’t seen you this happy for a long time and I think whatever puts you in this mood is something to trust”
“There’s just so much that has happened and I think I just need some time” I worried
“It’s just a break up. One that was kind of a long time coming now that I think about it” Mollee said and I sighed. I so wish that I could tell her everything. I wish I could tell her that I slept with Aj the night before I started going out with Josh and that we made a baby. I wish I could tell her how I laid in Aj’s arms, drugged out of my mind, and didn’t think once about Josh until she reminded me to. I wish I could tell her how my stomach still shot out little waves of pain every now and then to remind me of the decision I made and the consequences I had been dealing with from my rash decisions in the past. I wish I could explain how right Aj feels but how everything is so perfect right now in my little world that I’m terrified that one wrong move could rock it for good
“There’s just… a lot to think about” I said finally and Mollee gave me a big hug
“Someone once told me to follow my heart and it was the best decision I ever made” She said into my hair “I just want you to be happy”
“Me too Molls, me too” I said. We both heard the door open to the front of the bus so I opened the bathroom door and couldn’t stop the smile from leaping to my lips when I saw Aj standing there. Sometimes it still surprised me that he was this attainable now. If I wanted to call him or hug him or kiss him I could just do it. I just didn’t know which of those things I wanted at the moment.
“This is like every guy’s fantasy” Aj said with a smirk as Mollee walked out behind me
“You can barely handle one of the Blackwell girls. Keep your pants on” She said with a grin, pecking him on the cheek and bounding up the stairs to the game room with her bedding
“It’s so weird that she likes me now. My world is upside down” He said in awe “Shall we?”
“We shall” I said taking my bedding and leading the way to the game room. Once everyone got back we put in another movie and settled into corners to watch it. Aj put his blankets closest to the far wall and I put mine next to his. He sat down so he was leaning with his back against the wall and I considered my options. I could sit next to him or I could sit in his lap again. I met Aj’s eyes and he shrugged at me. He would be fine with either option but somehow I felt this decision was important to him, to us and to our future.
“You’re nothing but trouble” Aj joked with relief as I settled in his lap and leaned against his chest
“Hush. I’m watching a movie” I said with a smile. It wasn’t long before my eyes grew heavy and I began to drift to sleep but I perked up a little when I felt someone approach Aj
“Is she asleep?” I heard Mollee ask so I tried to keep my features still and peaceful
“I think so” Aj’s voice rumbled from his chest where my head lay
“What’s going on with you two?” Mollee whispered sitting next to him. He shifted a little so he could talk more privately with her
“I don’t really know yet but it’s good” Aj whispered and warmth began to spread through my body as I felt him begin to absentmindedly stroke my back
“Well she seems really happy” Mollee said with a smile in her voice
“She sure does. I want nothing more than to be hers again and kiss her and show her that I can treat her the way she deserves to be treated” He said with longing in his voice
“I think she wants that too. I just think she’s in a place right now where she’s being extra careful with her heart” Mollee said wisely and I ran it through my head. That sounds about right.
“I’m just trying to find that line between giving her space to heal and letting her think that she should be with anyone but me. I was casual once and I let someone move in. I don’t mind giving her time to heal but I don’t want her to end up with someone else again. My heart couldn’t bear it” He said with a deep pain in his voice that broke my heart
“I really don’t think you have to worry about that. Just give her time and she’ll come to you. Since we met you she’s never been able to even look at anyone else” Mollee assured him and a surge of love went through me. I may not be able to comfort Aj right now but at least my sister was doing an amazing job of it in my absence
“Well she did” Aj said quietly and I could feel his heartache
“Do you really think she ever loved him?” Mollee asked with doubt in her voice
“Honestly I really think she did. She may not anymore but there was a time when I really lost her and I’m never going to let that happen again” Aj said with passion
“Well you’ve got me on your side this time and I always get what I want” Mollee said to match his determination. I could almost feel him smile and I made a mental note to give my sister the biggest hug imaginable when I ‘woke up’
“Thanks Mollee. I’m glad we’re friends” Aj said sincerely
“Me too” Mollee said and I felt her give him a squeeze on the shoulder before leaving to most likely cuddle with Nick
I felt Aj readjust again so that he was lying down with me in his arms facing the wall. The way he held me there it felt like he was trying to make sure I’d be protected from all sides. It made my heart throb. Just when I thought I’d explode with happiness he took a deep breath and quietly sang into my ear
I don't know where I'd be if I didn't have you.
You comfort me, make me believe give me the strength I need.
Since you came into my life it's been so heavenly
You're the reason why I found my way
And you're the reason why I feel this way
And you're the reason why I have to say
I had to let you know you're my everything
So many things I wanna say to you
I'd give my heart to you just because
You came around and gave me all your love
I would sacrifice my very life
All you have to do is say the word
And there will never be no other
You're the reason why I found my way
And you're the reason why I feel this way
And you're the reason why I have to say
I had to let you know you're my everything
When I woke up the sun was high in the sky and I was alone in the trashed game room. I sat up groggily and wrapped myself in the blanket closest to me. It didn’t take much to realize that the blanket I was wrapped in was Aj’s and I smiled as his scent met my nose. It put me in my own little world so that I didn’t notice when someone came up the stairs and sat next to me
“What are you doing sitting here smiling so cute?” Aj asked as I met his eyes “Hungry?”
“Very” I said taking the plate of eggs he offered me “Where is everyone else?”
“It’s about noon. I assume they went their separate ways before the show tonight. And wasn’t it nice of them to leave us this mess?” He said with a small grin digging into his plate of eggs and bacon
“I can’t believe I slept through all that movement” I said through bites
“Me either. They aren’t the most subtle group of people” He answered and I leaned into his shoulder
“I’m just so behind on sleep. All this drama has not been kind to my exhaustion” I said through a yawn as if to emphasize my point
“You’ve been through a lot in the past few weeks that’s for sure. But we decided all that stress was behind us, right?” He asked
“It’s the quiet life for me!” I sang enthusiastically to the tune of ‘It’s a pirate’s life for me’
“Yo ho!” Aj agreed with his fork raised like a sword. I thrust mine up to meet his and we went back to eating through giggles
“So what are we going to do today before the show?” I asked after a comfortable minute of eating in silence
“What do you want to do? We’re in Sweden” He said and I shrugged
“You’re the one who has been here before. What’s worth doing?” I asked putting down my plate
“Well there is the Royal National City Park which was the first city park in the world, boat tours of all the islands, the Gamla Stan which is one of the best preserved medieval centers in world”
“That’s the one! I want the medieval one!” I said with a smile that Aj returned
“Alright then get dressed and I’ll clean this up a bit so we can go” He said and I threw my arms around his shoulders
“You’re going to clean up the mess? Oh I love you!” I said happily
“Finally she admits it!” Aj said triumphantly and I smacked him in the chest before descending the stairs and jumping in the shower.
The final week of the tour flew by. Aj and I were pretty inseparable and he had a blast showing me all the wonders of the European cities we’d tour through. After imagining the life of knights and ladies in Stockholm we jogged through the Vigelandsparken Sculpture Park in Oslo and then took a Harry Potter tour in London. We had a day off in Denmark so we were able to make it to Helsingør where the Kronborg Castle gave us an idea of what Shakespeare had in mind when he wrote Hamlet. Then it was off to gaze longingly at the Hermitage treasures in St. Petersburg followed by a sunny morning spent in the Red Square in Moscow.
Throughout all this touring around I began to remember exactly how Aj and I had worked before all of the craziness had crept into our lives. We were both big adventurers and loved learning about European cultures by day and dancing ourselves silly by night. The shows were all phenomenal, certainly the best of the whole tour, as everyone seemed content to stay peaceful and happy.
I was slowly opening up and allowing the idea that I could be happy with this man to enter into my thoughts. It was like we were rediscovering each other and rebuilding the walls of trust that had been torn down by our past indiscretions. It was like falling in love for the first time and reuniting with a long lost friend all at once.
Yet through it all two huge clouds loomed in the distance. The first was the impending two month break. The more comfortable I became with Aj the more clear it became that I couldn’t imagine living 3000 miles from him for two whole months. Mollee was antsy as well because she and Nick hadn’t discussed their plans either though I know her inner debate was similar to mine.
The second cloud lay in the fact that I was falling harder and harder for this man and yet I still had something in me that was terrified at the idea of making anything official. Aj was patient and didn’t push me but each night as he’d bring me to my bus and we’d make plans for the next day’s adventure it became harder and harder to say goodbye. I knew that he would have stayed if I’d asked but the simple truth was that I didn’t trust myself in that intimate setting with him, especially in my post-show highs, and I wasn’t sure exactly what I wanted yet.
So we fell into a happy yet cautious pattern of going on adventures each day, dancing like mad each night, saying heartfelt goodbyes and then staying up half the night texting. And so it was in the middle of one of these cycles, strolling down St. Andrew’s Descent (a historical street in Kiev) that Aj decided to take the plunge
“I have to ask you something” He said suddenly jumping in front of me from where he had been at my side
“Ok” I said with a smile as my heart somersaulted at the mischievous glint in his eyes
“Will you go out with me on a date tonight after the show?” He asked so quickly that it took me a few moments to wrap my head around what he had said
“Aj” I started to buy myself some time to think. My pulse raced and my palms started sweating as I tried to figure out what I really wanted
“It will be low key. There won’t be fancy restaurants or roses and candlelight. I was thinking of just going out dancing at a club” He said quickly
“I don’t have the best luck in clubs” I said anxiously. I hadn’t been out dancing in a club since that disaster with Camie in Germany and I was a little squeamish at the idea
“It’s time to break you out of that particular anxiety. It’ll just be you and me and there won’t be any alcohol or drugs involved. We’ll just do the thing you love to do most. Dance” He said convincingly as I chewed on my bottom lip “What are you most nervous about, the club or the date?”
“They are both pretty scary” I admitted and Aj took both of my hands
“You know I’d wait forever for you Kat but I think it’s time you gave us a shot” He said sincerely
“I want to Aj but things have been going so well and we’ve been having so much fun” I started but he interrupted me
“Which is all the more reason to ride this gravy train into the station” He said and I giggled
“There’s a gravy train?”
“Yes. It’s my metaphor and I’m sticking to it” Aj said with a smirk. He put his hand on my cheek and tenderly ran his thumb along my jawbone “Please Kat? If it’s awful and the world ends then we can forget the whole thing. I promise”
“If the world ends then it won’t really matter, will it?” I asked cheekily
“Stop avoiding the question” He said with a smirk that I rolled my eyes at. I sighed and let myself get lost in his eyes for a moment. The answer was all there in the depths of those browns and yellows and the kindness and compassion in that face
“Ok I’ll go on one date. No fancy clothes and no roses” I said and he whooped so loudly that a few people stopped to stare
“Oh you are not going to regret this!” Aj said happily picking me up and spinning me around before putting me on my feet again
“I have to stop letting you get your way. It’s going to make you think you can get whatever you want from me” I said taking his hand and resuming our walk down the cobblestone street
“What’s wrong with acknowledging the truth?” He asked with foe innocence
“Watch it, you” I said giving him a serious look betrayed by the smile I couldn’t wipe from my face. We were going on a date. A real date!
