- Text Size +
Chapter 36

The next day Aj and I lazed together and talked over everything. After many conversations separated by bouts of kissing, cuddling and eating, we set up another conference call and asked Nick and Mollee to make their way back over to the house. The decision we had made was not an easy one and it meant we would be facing a lot of challenges ahead but it was the best thing for our relationship and my healing.

“Is everyone here?” Aj asked. With the exception of our moods, the scene looked a lot like the one from last night. I was at the head of the table with Aj on my right and Nick and Mollee to my left. Aj’s phone sat in the middle of all of us.

“Well no, but my ears are” Brian joked and I rolled my eyes at him. Which, of course, he couldn’t see

“Well, first things first, I just wanted to apologize for running out of here last night. It wasn’t the best way to handle the situation and I promise to do better in the future” I said glancing specifically at Mollee and the flat look on her face. After a tense moment she cracked a small smile and I took the deep breath I hadn’t realized I was holding

“We didn’t handle things well either, Booger. All is forgiven” She said grabbing my hand

“Good. Well Aj and I spent a lot of time talking yesterday and we came up with what we think is the best plan for this leg of the tour” I said bracing myself for impact. Aj noticed and took my free hand to give it a reassuring squeeze. I tried a few times to relay our message but I was having trouble finding the right words so Aj jumped in for me

“Kat isn’t going to be joining us on tour” He said quickly and I closed my eyes so I could block out everyone’s reactions for one quick moment

“WHAT?!” Was the pretty generic response across the board. It was hard to tell who was talking at first but Aj managed to quiet everyone and organize the conversation while I tried to calm myself. If there was one thing I was realizing it was that I was terrible at facing people when I felt I was letting them down.

“Kat, we can make a few calls and get dancers added in no time. I could do it right now” Howie reasoned being given the honor of responding first

“I know Howie, I know you all would move the world to make sure that I got what I wanted but this is what I want. Well, it’s what I need” I said slowly keeping my eyes on Aj’s face as he sent me waves of calm and support

“So are you and Aj not staying together?” Brian’s voice drifted over the phone

“Oh God, of course we are” I said quickly which broke some of the tension. Everyone laughed a little and I blushed causing everyone present to laugh a little harder

“So you’re ok with this, Bone?” Brian continued once we had settled

“It’s going to be really hard but it’s what she needs” Aj said confidently and my heart warmed

“So what are you going to do? Stay here and keep house?” Nick joked

“Not exactly. I’m entering a recovery program for victims of domestic abuse. I’ll stay here at night but the day is pretty filled with counseling. Aj had a few connections in that world so he was able to get me into a program starting February 1st. There isn’t really an end date to the treatment so I don’t know how long I’ll need to be away from you guys-”

“But you’ll take as long as you need and no one will hold that against you” Aj cut me off before I could begin to make excuses for myself. Aj and I had discussed this for a while yesterday and he was pretty confident that the first step to my dealing with everything that had happened was to get rid of the feeling that it was in any way my fault. He was taking his job in that task very seriously

“Right” I answered with a small smile that he returned

“So I should stay” Mollee said with a strong mask over her breaking heart. She met Nick’s eyes and I could see her world begin to collapse as she tried to imagine being away from Nick and the touring life she fell in love with.

“Mollee” I said quietly taking her attention from Nick who was looking more and more heartbroken as the seconds ticked on “You need to stay with Nick. You need to go on the second leg of the tour”

“I can’t leave you” She said immediately

“Mollee, you have to. I have to do this on my own. I need to stand on my own two feet to face my demons. It’s the only way I’ll become the kind of sister” I started but then looked to Nick “and friend that you all deserve”

“What would mom say if she knew that I wasn’t going to stay with you in your hardest times?” Mollee retorted stubbornly

“She would tell you that you’ve done an amazing job taking care of me but that I need to learn to take care of myself. And besides, I need you to do me the most important favor I can ask while you’re on tour”

“What’s that?” Mollee asked showing signs of giving in. I took her hands in mine.

“I need you to take care of the man I love. He’s making a big sacrifice for me and I need someone I can trust to take care of him while I’ll be unable to. Can you do that for me? Please Mollee?” I begged looking deep into her green eyes. She spends so much time reading my eyes that I always forget how good I am at reading hers. They never changed colors but the emotions that played across them were just as obvious to me. She was fighting a good fight against herself but slowly, as I stared at her and showed her how confident I was that this was the right thing to do, she conceded.

“You will call every day, do you hear me?” Mollee said and I nodded with a big smile before pulling her into a tight hug

“Every single day. Sometimes even twice” I promised pulling back

“Well I’m going to miss the heck out of you but I’m so proud of you Princess” Brian’s voice drifted from the middle of the table

“It takes such courage to face these things head on. We’ll be here for you even when we’re gone. All of us” Howie said and I had to fight the tears of gratitude as they gathered in the corners of my eyes

“And we’ll all be looking out for Aj for you. I’ll make sure he doesn’t take any groupies back to his bus overnight” Nick joked and we all laughed

“He better not” I said nudging him.

“Well, tell us about the program” Howie said quietly

“I spoke with the head of it today and she was shocked I hadn’t had any counseling at all after the first incident with Rich. When I told her about recent events she sounded like she was ready to get in her car right then to come and get me” I said with a small nervous smile

“She was also really impressed that you had managed your life so well considering you had never had professional help” Aj jumped in giving me a small confidence boost

“Basically I told her about my last months on the tour and how self destructive I’d become. She seemed to think that all of that behavior was understandable given my history of trauma. So you can all rest easy that the bitch I was being was based on something I’m going to fix” I joked and Mollee rolled her eyes at me

“The main goal, from what I understand, it to help Kat deal with everything she’s been through so she can become a person whose identity is not tied to simply reacting to past trauma, but instead to the person that she is. The person she will become” Aj explained. His ability to boil down some of these therapy terms astounded me. Will I be like that when I’m through this?

“I’m going be become my own person. I’m going to let Rich go and really move on. I’m going to find out what I love and I’m going to find out how to do it. I’m going to be me. Most of all, I’m going to be able to introduce you all to a person you don’t have to feel sorry for or try to save and protect. I’m going to be a person who can take care of themselves and love others at the same time without losing herself in either endeavor” I said confidently

After ironing out a few more details we let Brian and Howie go with heartfelt goodbyes and promises of phone calls. We walked Mollee and Nick to the door but after a few minutes we had to physically get them in their car as they were driving us crazy trying to nail down this new plan. They meant well enough but we were exhausted. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Aj and I were alone in the house

“Well. That went well” Aj said taking my hand in the entranceway

“It did. How are you doing?” I asked gently stroking the back of his hand with my fingers

“Honestly?”

“Of course”

“I’m feeling terrible because there is a big part of me that doesn’t want to leave you behind even though I know it’s what is best” Aj confessed and I pulled him into a hug

“Would it make you feel better to know that there’s a big part of me that wants to call all of this off, stop being an adult, take the easy way out and go on tour with you?” I asked

“Yeah, it helps”

“Just think. You could keep me locked in your bus and whenever you had a spare second you could run back and I would be waiting there with some new sexy lingerie to help you remove” I joked

“Well that’s settled then, you’re coming” Aj said with a halfhearted laugh

“We’re going to make it through this” I said pulling back and meeting his eyes

“I know” Aj said “I just don’t want to miss you. I feel like I spend all of my time missing you”

“Well we have a week until you leave. Let’s put the missing business on hold”

“What should we do instead?” Aj asked with a sultry smile

“Oh, I’m sure we’ll come up with something” I said matching his smile and leading him up the stairs to our bedroom

As time does when you’re approaching something you’re not looking forward to, the week leading up to everyone’s departure for tour went by so fast it seemed like a cruel joke. Aj and I all but disconnected from the rest of the world as we basked in each other. The only exception was Mollee who needed her own time with me before she could really get 100% behind leaving me for tour. It seemed like she was constantly calling to make sure I really wanted to be alone and reassuring me that she could handle long distance with Nick if I needed her.

In the end I was strong and persistent and got my way which I began to see as a blessing and a curse when the van pulled up to the house early Sunday morning and Nick and Mollee got out to help Aj load his things into it. I watched the three of them struggle to fit their entire haul of luggage in the trunk and began to have serious second thoughts as to how brave I could be tackling my demons without my support system with me.

“Hey, you’re going to be ok” Aj said leaving Nick and Mollee to bicker over suitcase placement

“I know” I said behind a weak smile as my stomach began doing flips

“You are white as a sheet my love” Aj said with concern as he pulled me close and looked deep into my eyes

“I’m just scared. I’m scared of what long distance will do to our wonderful but fairly fragile relationship, I’m scared that I’m going to be terrible at therapy and I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle my demons when I see them, especially without all of you” I admitted. If there was one thing Aj and I were excelling at lately it was being honest and open with one another. My brain took that as a positive sign that our relationship would survive this. Convincing my heart of that fact was a whole other story.

“It’s ok to be scared. Scared is good. Scared means you’re going to put everything you have into your therapy and you’re going to get everything you can out of it. It means you’re ready” Aj said confidently

“What am I going to do without you to say things like that to me?” I whispered. Tears began to build at the corners of my eyes and for once I just let them fall. Part of the honesty Aj and I were working on was also being brave enough to show our emotions when we had them. Aj looked at me like his heart was breaking and wiped my tears carefully as they fell

“I’m going to be on the phone darling, I’ll be able to say all of those things and then some. You are so strong and brave, you can do this. Hey” Aj said bringing my chin up so my eyes met his “I believe in you”

“I love you” I said passionately once my tears had dried “More than anything”

“I love you precious. You take care of yourself while I’m gone so we never have to be apart like this ever again, ok?” Aj said pulling me into a tight hug. I took a deep breath of his lovely spicy scent and allowed the warmth from his chest to penetrate my cheek. I held my breath and tried to take a picture of this moment in my mind so I would have something to think back on when I needed it. Before long Mollee came over with Nick and they both gave their words of encouragement and love and then I watched with a broken heart as my best friend, my sister and the love of my life drove away from me.