I woke up in a fog but still managed to make it to the bathroom before vomiting. I really tried to not drink so much but my stupid weak stomach would not give me a moment’s rest! After a few more retches I brushed my teeth and made my way back to my bunk. We were moving on route to Slovakia for the show tonight and it seemed everyone else was still asleep. I buried myself tiredly beneath the covers and took a moment to remember that Josh had insisted on sleeping in a full sized bed for fear that his shoulders would collapse and I needed to be on the bus because we were traveling during the day so we ended up sleeping in separate places. I relished in the empty space and extra covers as my phone vibrated from under my pillow. I pulled it out and quieted the earpiece volume as I checked my messages. Immediately music met my ears.
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You are wrong.
Change the voices in your head
make them like you instead.
So complicated
Look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
Let’s see you do the same
Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try, try, try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, because they're everywhere
they don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?
Through the first section of the song I managed to stay strong and scoff. Damn right he had made some mistakes in his life! Then as the lyrics turned to me I started to get angry. Who was he to judge me and try to tell me what to do? But the last chorus tested my resolve and as the notes drifted over the final ‘you’re fucking perfect to me’ I found myself beginning to break down. I quickly deleted the message and took a deep breath to steady myself. I was fine one moment and then all of the guilt and anger and hurt tore out of me in an explosion beyond my control and I threw my phone with all my might against the wall opposite my bunk. Unfortunately opposite my bunk was another bunk so a tired Camie peeked out from behind her curtain where my phone had only narrowly missed hitting her directly in the forehead
“Must you throw things at me? I thought we were over hating each other” She said through a yawn
“What was that?” Mollee asked sticking her head out from her bunk apparently also having been awoken at my phone explosion
“Kat you might need a new phone” Sophie commented from her bunk where the remains of my cell phone lay in their final resting place
“Oh crap” I said as she handed the pieces to Mollee who passed them to me “Sorry guys I didn’t mean to wake everyone my phone must have fallen out of my bunk”
“Fallen is an interesting way to describe it. I’m going back to bed. Please aim any other objects you find offensive in another direction in the future” Camie said tiredly before pulling her curtain shut
“Don’t worry Kat we’ll have time when we get to Slovakia and we’ll find you a new phone” Sophie said with a smile before ducking back into her bunk
“Can I come up there with you?” Mollee asked as I shrugged in response and moved over to make room
“This is a first. Both of us are alone in our bunks” I noted as Mollee sighed
“I know I’ve been spending a lot of time with Nick. His bed is just more comfortable and I sleep better-” Mollee started as I smiled and stopped her with a motion of my hand
“I wasn’t trying to guilt you. I’ve had Josh here almost every night you’ve been with Nick. It’s ok” I said putting my head back on my pillow and trying to get those stupid lyrics out of my head
“So what did he say this time?” Mollee asked as I sighed
“He didn’t say anything. He doesn’t even have the balls to leave me messages anymore so he just plays songs. It’s like a shadow that sings very loudly as it follows you around” I said with a small laugh
“But did the phone have to die?” Mollee asked dramatically with a smirk as I groaned
“No, no it didn’t. I lost control for a second but I’m back. I’m cool” I said putting on a big smile and hoping Mollee would drop it
“Good. So can we hang out today? I miss you” Mollee said. I shrugged
“Sure. I mean there’s not much to do on the bus but we can chill” I said as she turned to play with my hair
“What about after the show? Have plans?” She asked
“I was thinking about going out. There’s nothing going on tomorrow so it’s like having no curfew. You want to come out? You can bring Nick” I offered and Mollee smiled
“Perfect” Mollee said and then laid on her back next to me
“I don’t think I’m going to drink tonight” I said after a few minutes of silence as my stomach did somersaults
“Why not drink?” Mollee asked without breaking the rhythm of her twirling my curls
“This whole week I’ve gone out and felt like I managed my alcohol intake but every morning without fail I’ve woken up and had to puke. It’s obnoxious” I said
“You know I thought I heard something to that effect a few times. I didn’t think it was you though”
“Well it was every time. Ugh my poor tummy” I said rubbing it
“Well I’ll be there tonight to make sure you keep your word. Drinking so much that you puke isn’t good” Mollee said and I rolled my eyes
“I know Molls I don’t need a lecture”
“Ok sorry” She said as I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves. Being with Mollee was hard with the new badass plan in effect. It was a constant struggle between staying strong and giving in to that comforting presence that was my sister. With her around the emotions I was trying to desperately to keep off my sleeve were appearing everywhere and along with them came my intense guilt and anxiety over the possible effects of my new attitude on everyone around me, especially Aj.
As the day wore on Mollee slowly lowered my defenses so much that I was snapping at her constantly, using my anger to mask the mess of doubt and regret pooling in my heart. Perhaps that was why she let me off of the bus as soon as we stopped to run to the arena to try and get some dance time in to clear my head. The only thing my brain had to dwell on was my heartsickness and I knew the only way to restore my composure was to dance.
I ran into the arena with my iPod and found a back room that was empty. I grabbed my speakers and took off my socks and shoes. I skipped around my music as I stretched and tried to regain my composure but then a song came on that caught my attention. The first solo notes of a piano played and I stretched up high and took a deep breath. I didn’t know it but Josh had been looking for me and he stopped with the door half open when he realized I was going to dance. He closed it just enough so he could still watch and I elongated my body in preparation for the lyrics.
I’m reaching for the phone because I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
It started out slow and sad and I was so engrossed in my dance that neither Josh nor I noticed a second unwelcome audience member join us behind Josh
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now
I danced my heart and soul letting out all the emotions I had been bottling up all week. It was mentally and physically exhausting as I pushed myself for harder moves to accurately express my pain. Jump combinations spun one after the other followed by slow lyrical extensions that broke a sweat with the sheer focus involved. Then the male voice sang and I let a picture of Aj form in my head. He was wearing that look of concern from the last time we had fought backstage and reaching out to me.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
and I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time
I flat out ran into my next combination through the chorus. Images from our relationship flashed in my mind mixed with my imagined pictures of him and Missy doing things we had once done. I was nowhere near ready to deal with all of this and I knew it as I felt my body begin to show signs of breaking down. Part of me hated my weakness and wanted to stop but the part of me that was in control knew this needed to happen here alone in a room so it didn’t happen in public or in front of him.
The pause in the music knocked me to the ground. I sat there as the song continued to play and I let out a painful sob. Aj clenched his fists and managed only a sharp intake of breath but it was enough to alert Josh to his presence. They stared at each other for a moment. Aj wore a look of utter shock but was feeling somehow comforted while Josh was left with a burning feeling that he’d been played. There was a tense moment and then Aj turned and walked away. Josh composed himself and then turned to find me still broken on the floor even though the song had ended and something much more cheerful was beginning to play
“You ok babe?” He asked hoping his acting skills were up to par
“Josh! Oh you scared me! I’m sorry I thought I was alone” I said quickly wiping tears as I turned the music off and placed a huge grin on my face “How long have you been there?”
“I just got here. Were you dancing?” Josh lied smoothly
“I was going to but I hadn’t started yet” I lied back. We both shot big smiles at each other. Then Josh’s faltered “Are you ok? Did something happen with load in because I could really use some time in the grid to work out some stress”
“I don’t need help but thanks” Josh interrupted quickly “I just found out that something I thought was in the past is actually still a major issue”
“I’m sure you’ll get through it babe. You’ve got a good crew working for you and you always have me” I said as I turned to grab my music and speakers “But I should go if you don’t need me. I need to buy a new phone before the show. My other one met an untimely death”
“Yeah go ahead” Josh said quietly. I pecked him on the cheek and hurried out
“Remember you’ve always got me!” I threw back over my shoulder
“If only I was so sure” Josh said to an empty room. I ran quickly back to the bus and dropped my stuff before going out to the nearby shopping center to search for a phone. I found the model I originally had and hurried back into the arena by the front entrance to join everyone stretching on stage. I didn’t want anyone to think I’d been here earlier for any reason so I made a big show of my new phone so everyone would know my alibi.
“Hey so don’t hate me” Camie said sliding in next to me
“Oh I love conversations that start that way” I said with a grin
“Aj asked if he and your evil twin could come with tonight and I said yes” Camie said quickly and my eyes just about popped out of my head
“You did WHAT!?” I yelled and got looks from everyone around us
“Ok drama queen calm down” Camie said and then added for the benefit of our captive audience “Move along nothing to see here”
“Why would you think that was a good idea? I’m just starting to get a hold on things” I started in quieter tones while Camie took me by the shoulders
“You can handle this. He is one person, one guy, and nothing more. I think it’ll do you good to go out and have fun and not let him affect you” Camie said as I glared at her
“You are so on my shit list” I said with a sigh and Camie put her arm around me
“You know you love me” She said and I fumed. How could she really think this was no big deal? But at that moment Aj came around the corner and I pushed it to the back of my mind. I didn’t need him having any idea that I was anything but perfectly ok with him joining us tonight. I finished stretching and then raced off to hair and makeup before anyone else so I could try and pull myself together.
I was running from corner to corner trying to avoid people and hoping time would slow down when it was time for the prayer. I wedged myself between Mollee and Nick which earned me a weird look from both of them but I just bowed my head and took deep breaths. Once we finished and before Mollee could inquire about anything I raced to my spot on stage hoping that at least I could run the conversation if I got to our starting position first. I waited for the longest five minutes ever and Aj sauntered up with a look of simple happiness on his face. He smiled a little at me and proceeded to walk around me to get to his place before standing contentedly staring at the screen. He was so normal, so pleasant, that each second that passed between us in silence was torture. Finally I snapped.
“What no speeches tonight? Not going to drill me about where I’ve been or how I’ve been or who I’ve been with?” I asked harshly. Aj turned to look at me with a look filled with such innocent surprise that I could have strangled him
“Nope” He said simply
“Why are you so damn happy?” I muttered but apparently loud enough to hear because Aj broke into a grin
“It’s a good night. I’m excited for the show and to hang out after. It’ll be like we’re friends” He said and my mouth just about hit the floor
“We’ll never be friends” I shot at him hoping to provoke a response I could use to rationalize my anger
“Have faith. Not all is lost” Aj said calmly. The lights went down and the music played as I stared in utter confusion at Aj’s back. He turned to me right before his entrance and whispered “See you out there” Before parting the screen and leaving me with confused thoughts and boiling blood. The dancing was as hot and intense as it had been a week ago. My anger fueled Aj’s joy and we threw our energies at one another with every step. When we were done I escaped to Mollee and Nick counting on a car ride to give me time to calm down but then Camie showed up with Josh, Aj and Missy in tow and informed us we would be walking. We started down the street and Mollee pulled me aside
“What is HE doing here?” She asked grumpily
“I don’t want to talk about it” I answered back in kind. She dropped it once she realized that I had nothing to do with Aj's presence in our night and I sulked in back with Josh acting distant for the whole walk. We got to the club and I almost headed straight for the bar when I remembered that I wasn’t drinking tonight. Frustrated beyond belief I pulled Josh out to the dance floor and held him close to me. He seemed a little rigid in my arms so I pulled back to shoot him a look
“What?” He asked as I searched his face
“You still stressed about that work problem?” I asked and he nodded
“I need a drink” He said which shocked me. He never had more to drink then one beer and he never stated a need for alcohol before “Want one?”
“I’m going to try and stay sober for the night. I haven’t been feeling well” I explained but Josh had his answer and he left me in mid sentence to go to the bar. I stared after him for a second before a guitar riff plucked me out of my stupor. I recognized the song and zeroed in on Aj who was grinning like an idiot. It was his fault things were so messed up right now. Why did he get to be so happy and benevolent while I was being torn to shreds? I took command of the dance floor and looked for Josh at the bar. He wasn’t paying attention so I shrugged and used it.
So I'm gonna drink my money. I'm not gonna pay his rent.
I had managed to catch the attention of Josh, Aj, Missy, Mollee, Nick and Camie as well as many other people in the club but I sent a smirk specifically to Aj.
I wanna get in trouble. I wanna start a fight
I got up close to Camie and knocked her drink
I bumped Missy out of the way so I could see Aj
I met his eyes and he gave me a quizzical look that I answered as I danced to the lyrics
And guess what? I'm having more fun and now that we’re done,
I'm gonna show you tonight, I'm alright, I'm just fine, And you're a tool,
So, so what, I am a rock star I got my rock moves,
And I don't want you tonight.
I checked back in with Aj at the end of the chorus and his mouth was hanging open. At least I’d managed to wipe that smirk off his face.
I guess I'll go sit with drum boy at least he'll know how to hit.
What if this song's on the radio? Then somebody's gonna die.
I'm gonna get in trouble. My ex will start a fight
By this time I had the club in the palm of my hand and I motioned to Aj, making sure everyone knew who my ex was and I took a step closer to him
I took another step closer so I was in his face
I made a sharp step into him causing him to flinch and I cracked up as the chorus played again and I danced back into the middle of the floor. As the bridge came up I danced a circle around him that effectively put him in the middle of the dance floor and face to face with my wrath
You want it all but that's not fair.
I gave my life. I gave my all.
You weren't there. You let me fall.
Aj had an indescribable look on his face when that finished and I launched into a full out production of the chorus as he stood there blankly. Then he turned, grabbed Missy and all but fled the club. I finished out the song and felt like a badass. I turned and saw Camie standing there with a look of pure admiration
“That was PHENOMENAL” She said with a huge grin “I know you hate me right now but it’s so worth it. I couldn’t have planned anything more perfect! I bow down to you queen bitch. I am not worthy”
“You got that right” I said and couldn’t stop my smile from growing. A guy from the bar came up to me and put a drink in my hand
“Compliments of the gentleman in the back corner” He said with an indication towards the direction of a random guy. I raised my glass to him and was about to take a sip when Mollee appeared right in front of me
“What on Earth was that!?” She asked angrily trying to grab my arm but I pulled it away
“Dancing and shaming a boy who hurt me. Two birds, one stone” I said proudly trying to take another drink but she put her hand over the top of my glass
“I thought you weren’t drinking tonight” She said and I rolled my eyes
“I changed my mind. Run along. I can take care of myself” I said with a wave of my hand
“Run along? Katrina Rose, who do you think you are?” Mollee asked as color flooded her face
“Not a child. You could take some time to remember that” I said and with a look directly into her green eyes I downed the drink in one sip. Mollee turned on her heel and stormed out as Camie whistled
“I don’t know what happened to you today but damn you are on a roll! Come on let’s go get those guys to give us some shots” Camie said pulling my arm
“One second” I said as Camie nodded and waited, still in silent awe at my bitchiness. I found Josh and he had an intense look of confusion on his face
“Hey” I said innocently
“Hi. Quite the show you just put on” He said as I shrugged
“He needs to know that I’m not his play thing. I’m yours” I said seductively and Josh smiled a little
“And what was that business with your sister?” He asked
“What can I say? I’m sick of being treated like a little girl” I explained. Josh looked at me cautiously “What are you looking at me like that for?”
“I’m just not sure what to make of you right now” He said as I frowned
“Josh” I said dropping my act a bit “The reason I feel so good about myself and so sure in who I am right now is because some guy once told me that I was capable. Before you I would never have spoken my mind. Now I’m an open book. So why are you trying to read me like you don’t understand the language?”
“I don’t know. I’m over thinking things aren’t I?” He said as I smiled encouragingly at him
“Just a bit but it’s ok. I used to do that sort of thing all the time. You grow out of it” I said with a grin that he returned
“Can I dance with you?” He asked
“I’ve been waiting for you all night” I said taking his hand and leading him to where Camie had scored us some shots
“I thought you weren’t drinking tonight?” He said
“I thought you weren’t listening to me” I said with a smirk
“Of course I was” He said with foe indignation
“Well I changed my mind. It’s a drinking kind of night” I said as I raised a shot “Join me?”
“Absolutely” He said grabbing a shot as well without pause. Meanwhile, outside the club, Nick was trying to calm a distraught Mollee while Aj was pacing with Missy who was trying to get him to go out to a different club to finish their night
“Believe me?” Aj said roughly when Mollee stormed out
“What the hell is wrong with her? It’s Camie I know it is. Oh I want to go in there and wipe that stupid smirk off her lips” She fumed. Nick grabbed her and hugged her tightly leaving her able to do no more than breathe heavily
“If I let you do that then you’ll get kicked off the tour and then I won’t be able to dance with you every night. I’m sorry but that’s not a risk I’m willing to take” He said calmly in her ear. Suddenly Mollee’s anger turned abruptly to anguish as the tears came fast and hard
“Hey” Aj said watching Mollee cry. Suddenly she looked and seemed so much more like the sister of the girl he loved and it hurt his heart “We’ll figure something out. She can’t go on like this much longer and when she slips we’ll be there”
“What do you mean ‘we’?” Mollee asked through her tears “I thought I was clear last night. There is no ‘we’ there is only me and my sister. Do you think any of this would be happening if you hadn’t broken her heart?”
“I know but I just want to help” Aj tried but Mollee shot him down with a look
“You’ve done enough. I will figure this out and you will stay away from her. Got it?” Mollee asked with powerful emotion
“That isn’t fair. You need help and I can help” Aj pleaded
“Do you understand me?” Mollee said quietly but with venom. Aj opened and closed his mouth a few times. Then he looked at Nick who just shrugged clearly not willing to be on the receiving end of Mollee’s anger
“Fine, I’m done with it” Aj said sliding his own walls back into place “Come on Missy let’s find somewhere better to go”
“Finally” She said as he took her arm and led her around the corner
“You ok?” Nick asked after a minute of silence had passed
“No. But I will be. I’ll figure this out but for now I just want to go home” She said returning back to her state of hurt and confusion now that it was only her and Nick outside the club
“Let’s get a cab” He said leading her away. Inside the club everything was wonderful. The rest of the night was a blast. Camie was treating me like I was the best thing that had ever happened, Josh was loosening up and enjoying my strict attention and the club was hopping. We stumbled out as the sun was rising and I all but collapsed in the bed in Josh’s hotel room. I woke up about two hours later to vomit and although I was annoyed I was almost getting used to it. I even managed to fall right back to sleep and didn’t wake up again until close to noon as Josh was stirring.
“Hey” He said sweetly as I cuddled under the covers and tangled my arms and legs in his
“Hi” I said through a yawn
“How are you feeling?” He asked
“Better. Did I wake you earlier?” I asked and he nodded “Sorry. I tried to be quiet”
“Tonight we’ll definitely keep you sober. It’s not good to be getting sick all the time” He said with concern powerful enough to stop my angry retort in my throat
“Yeah I know” I admitted
“Have any plans for today?” Josh asked before planting a kiss on my nose
“You, me, the bed, and not leaving this room” I said as Josh smiled
“How about we order some room service? And maybe some cartoons?” Josh asked as I giggled
“You’re perfect” I replied as he wrapped one arm around me so I couldn’t go anywhere while using the other arm to reach for the phone. We had a wonderful day where we both turned our cell phones off and pretended the outside world didn’t exist. It wasn’t until about 8 that I had to leave him to get on the bus as we were travelling overnight to Croatia. We had a cleanup rehearsal all day before the show and Josh’s crew wouldn’t be leaving until later because they only had their normal load in to do. I gave him a hug goodbye and then took a second to put up my walls before heading into the dancer’s bus. The first person I saw was Camie who looked like she had just woken up. She was on the couch with all the blankets from her bunk wrapped around her watching a movie.
“Well hello queen of the badass. How was your day?” Camie asked as I sat next to her
“Awesome. Hardly left the bed” I said
“Gross” Camie joked as I laughed
“Not like that. Just took it easy. Is anyone else here?” I asked and she nodded
“Your sister is still with Nick but Sophie is around somewhere” She said as I sighed in relief
“Maybe she’ll stay with him tonight. I don’t want to have to deal with the fallout” I said as Camie laid her head on my lap
“Don’t worry I have your back” She said and we both settled in to watch one of the Scream movies. The bus started moving with no sign of Mollee so I changed into PJs and spent the rest of the night on the couch watching scary movies with Camie. How could people think she was so bad?
When we arrived at the arena it was morning and Camie, Sophie and I were slowly getting ready for rehearsal. We headed in together and sat down to stretch. Mollee came in with Nick and didn’t give me so much as a second glance as she sat down as far from me as possible facing the opposite direction. Honestly I was happy she had decided to ignore me rather than yell at me. It was preferable and Camie made a comment to that effect once Mollee was a safe distance away.
Aj walked in and gave a very good impression of Mollee except he did some triangulation and found a corner that was as distant from me as it was from her without looking at either of us. My heart gave a small throb and I berated it in my head. Brian came in and motioned to me so I joined him to stretch in the final remote corner of the room.
“Hey, what’s up?” I asked as he looked me up and down
“I heard you did a good job of pushing away the people who love you the most last night” He said nonchalantly. I looked back at him in surprise. I wasn’t expecting my morning lecture to be from him
“Bri” I started but he put up his hand to stop me
“Just listen for a second. I love you. You’re a wonderful person and that has been clear since the day I first saw you dance. I know you’ve been through a lot on tour and that’s normal. Being on the road fosters drama and we all have our ways of coping. I’m here to tell you that your way of coping is not working”
“Brian” I started again
“I’m not finished. When tour life gets to you, you have to hold those you love even closer. It’ll keep you grounded and connected to who you are. If you push them away you will be unable to recognize yourself. I thought you had everything under control but I was wrong. Right now when I look at you I can’t find the Kat I love.”
“Can I speak?” I asked trying to put on a tough face as the hurt penetrated my heart. How badly had I messed up if Mr. Funny Man Brian Littrell had to read me the riot act?
“Not yet. I’m not trying to judge you. I can’t pretend to know what you’ve been feeling and going through but I have many tours under my belt and I’ve seen people break from this lifestyle. I love you and I don’t want you to be another casualty. I watched Aj go there and I just can’t watch it happen to you” Brian said and then he looked down. The look on his face was haunting. To see Brian without even a hint of a smile was truly terrifying.
“Hey” I said unable to form words in the presence of his stress. He shook his head and I realized he was trying hard not to cry. I slid forward and wrapped my arms around him “I’m still here. It’s me. I love you too”
“Good. Just remember who you are” He said from within my embrace. Before I could answer Fly came in. He looked around the room at our four groups of people in four corners, most in varying states of anguish, and his smile faded a bit.
“Uh, hey guys, ready to work?” He asked and we all got up slowly and went to our places for the top of the show. Aj was ice cold, I could feel it even with his back to me, and no matter what tricks I tried I couldn’t stop the stabbing pain that brought to my heart. We ran through the show and he kept up his distance. We danced together but he might as well have been in another country. When we finished he was out the door before I knew it. I was in a horrible mood when Fly called me over as everyone else left.
“Hey we’ve missed you” I said putting on a smile and giving him a hug
“I’ve missed you guys too. So you know I normally want no part of any drama off of the stage but what gives? You’re all hitting the steps but no one is having any fun. This is not the same group of people I couldn’t get to stop laughing at themselves when we tried to add a bit of acting into the tour” Fly said searching my eyes. This was just too much.
“Oh you know touring is hard and we’re tired. We have another day off tomorrow and I’ll make sure everyone sleeps. That should help” I said trying to stay cheerful. I could tell Fly wasn’t really buying it but he smiled back at me
“Ok good because when you all are on you are amazing. Work it tonight for me. I’ll be out there watching” Fly said before patting me on the back and heading out. I looked around the empty dance studio and contemplated dancing but I knew that I’d end up in tears so instead I made my way to the stage to find Josh. He could tell something was wrong immediately and gave me a big hug
“Rehearsal didn’t go so well, huh?” He asked and I shook my head “Well let’s go get some lunch and you can tell me all about it”
“I’d rather not talk about it if that’s ok. I just want to be with you” I said and he nodded after a second of thought. Lunch was good and Josh slowly improved my mood. I decided to help him in the grid for the afternoon even though he didn’t really need it but he could tell that I did so he didn’t complain. The show was awkward but the fans still loved it and I went back to my bunk alone. For the first time in a while I went directly to sleep.
