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** AJ **

I knew that Brian was awake even though I hadn’t seen or heard him. His scent lingered on the stairwell as I descended to the first floor; a mixture of Old Spice body wash and Ralph Lauren cologne.

“Brian?” I called his name as I wandered into the kitchen. “Where you at?”

Silence.

“Brian?” I tried again, a little bit louder. I pulled a mug from the cupboard and turned to the coffee maker. It was on; a fresh pot simmering on the burner. “Thanks for making coffee!”

Silence.

“Brian?” I tried again, my voice rising ever so slightly. Where was he?

I moved to open the fridge and the handwritten note smacked me in the face. I pulled the paper off of the fridge and scanned Kevin’s all too familiar handwriting. My face flushed with anger as I digested the contents of the note. He and Howie had gone to identify the body without even bothering to wake me up.

“Fuck you, Kevin!” I ripped open the door to the fridge and pulled out the milk. “Fuck you too, Howie!” I splashed some milk into my cup and angrily shoved the carton back into the fridge. I was well aware of the fact that I was yelling at inanimate objects, but I didn’t care. I was beyond pissed. “Fuck both of you assholes!”

I pulled a spoon out of the sink, swirled the brown liquid around in my cup, and dropped the spoon back into the sink with a noisy clatter. My blood was simmering beneath my skin; I was going to tear into Kevin and Howie as soon as they walked back through the door. How could they have made the decision to go without us? How dare they exclude Brian and me from something so important!

Nacho appeared at my feet and butted his wrinkled face against my shin. I dropped my eyes to the pathetic looking creature and softened my voice. “What’s up, Nacho?” I raised my eyes to his food bowl that was still no less than half full. “Are you looking for food?”

Nacho responded by head-butting me again and letting out a small grunt. He began breathing heavily, obviously overcome with the effort of requesting more food.

“I think you need to go on a diet.” I scolded while opening the cupboard and plunging the scoop into the massive bag of dog food. “If you end up going home with Brian he’s going to put you on a diet.”

Nacho blinked once, his eyes trained on the heaping scoop of food. I walked over to his bowl, which was still pretty well stocked, and emptied the scoop into the plastic container. Nacho showed his appreciation by burying his face deep into the kibble before I even had a chance to withdraw my hand.

“Someone’s a little pig.” I mumbled.

My eyes drifted to the back door as I stood up, catching sight of the fact that it was just resting in the frame. I returned the scoop to the bag of dog food and picked up my coffee before making my way to the door.

“Brian?” The scent of early morning dew was still hanging in the air. “What are you doing out here?”

Brian had his back to me. He was sitting on the top step of the wooden stairs that led down to the backyard. A coffee mug was beside him on the deck, next to a package of cigarettes that he must have swiped from my room.

“Did you see the note?”

I pulled the back door closed and crossed the deck in a matter of steps. I sat down next to Brian on the deck and placed my mug next to his. “Yeah I saw it.”

Brian gave me a sideways glance, just enough to let me see the hurt in his eyes. He slowly twirled an unlit cigarette between his fingers as he spoke. “I suppose that it was nice of them to let us know where they went.”

“I suppose.” The sight of Brian holding a cigarette was doing me in. The fact that he seemed at least semi-comfortable holding it was even more surreal. I pulled my own cigarette from the package and lit up before I continued. “How long have you been out here?”

Brian shrugged. “Maybe ten minutes.”

I exhaled slowly and forced myself to remain facing forward. I stared across Nick’s expansive backyard, my eyes fixated on the water rippling in the pool. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Brian begin to fumble with my lighter. “You wanna talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” Brian effortlessly twirled the still unlit cigarette between his fingers. “About how Kevin and Howie took it upon themselves to decide what the two of us can and can’t handle?”

“We could start there.” I acknowledged. “Or we could start by you telling me why you felt the need to steal from me.”

A slow smile appeared on Brian’s face. He knew that I was only half serious. “You were in the shower.”

“Fair enough.” I pulled my eyes away from the pool and turned to Brian. He stared back at me; his eyes hard and defiant. “What’s with the cigarette?” I prodded. “You thinking of taking up smoking?”

“It’s either this or alcohol.” Brian deadpanned. “I figured that a few cigarettes might be easier to hide than drinking to the point where I can no longer feel.”

“It all depends on how often you’re planning on trying to hide your behaviour.” I countered.

Once again, Brian looked at me in defiance. “I only drink heavily when something terrible happens.”

“Define terrible.” I challenged.

“Lou stealing our money, you entering rehab, Baylee being diagnosed with Kawasaki’s, Kevin leaving the group, falling out with Nick over his addiction, my voice going to shit …” Brian rhymed off the items on his fingers. “Do you want me to continue?”

“Your voice isn’t going to shit.” I chose the item that I found the least painful. “It’s been sounding better recently.”

“You’re a bad liar.” Brian shot back. He crushed his unlit cigarette on the side of the deck and flicked it onto the ground below. “But I appreciate your comment all the same.”

“I’m not lying.” I insisted. “Although taking up smoking probably isn’t going to do your voice any favours.”

“You’re one to talk.” Brian muttered. “I don’t think that I could have brought myself to do it anyway. I’ll just stick with the heavy drinking. I’ve done it for years; whenever the stress becomes too much.”

“I’ve known you for over twenty years.” I shook my head. “Not once have I ever noticed.”

“I’m a good liar.” Brian quipped. “Unlike you.”

I laughed genuinely. “You mean that you’re better at sneaking around. You and I both know that you’re a horrible liar.”

“Fine.” Brian conceded. “I’m good at hiding stuff.”

“You’ve been slipping up recently though.” I seized my opportunity as we both reached for our coffee. “You’re hanging up on Leighanne, admitting to getting drunk to dull your pain ...”

Brian gave me an unreadable look. “I just don’t care anymore. Now that Nick’s gone, I realize that life is too short to hide things, to pretend to be a person that you’re not.”

I took a long sip of coffee and waited for him to continue. Something told me that he wasn’t finished.

“I wasted so many years waiting for Nick to get his life back on track. I pushed him away when he needed me the most, and I did it for the most selfish reason possible. I did it because I was afraid of what people would think of me if I put myself out there and stood up for him. I was worried that people would turn their backs on me if they found out that my marriage isn’t perfect, that my behaviour isn’t perfect, that my friends aren’t perfect, and that my life isn’t perfect.” Brian stared into his mug and took an unsteady breath. “I can’t keep pretending to be someone that I’m not.”

“You told all of this to Nick recently, didn’t you?”

Brian nodded slowly, a faraway look overtaking his eyes. “Re-establishing my friendship with Nick was the motivation that I needed to make the change. I figured that if he could completely turn his life around than I could do the same. That’s why we were writing the new material, that’s why I was starting to show up at social stuff outside of work, that’s why I was spending so much time trying to escape the bubble of isolation that I've created for myself in Georgia.”

“I did notice that you had started to come out with us again.” I took another sip of coffee. “I was happy about that.”

Brian raised his eyes to my face, the faraway look dissipated. “I was happy about it too.”

“The changes don’t have to stop now that Nick is gone.” I pointed out. “In all fairness, I’ve made some pretty big changes in my life too.”

Brian laughed; his soft, southern chuckle. “I know you have.”

I returned the laugh, knowing that it was Brian’s way of accepting my offer to help. I was in the process of trying to figure out how to logically transition out of the ‘bromance’ moment that I had unintentionally created when my phone started to ring in my pocket.

Brian gave me a knowing look as I pulled it out and looked at the display. “Let me guess. It’s Kevin?”

“Of course it is.” I confirmed Brian’s guess; the anger immediately returning to my body. “I wonder what the fuck he wants.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “He probably thinks that we can’t handle the news in person, so he’s going to tell us over the phone.”

I smashed my thumb down on the screen to answer the call, simultaneously putting Kevin on speaker. “We got your note.” I chose to bypass the initial pleasantries. “That was a dick move, even for you.”

“We?” Kevin’s voice drifted through the speaker. He sounded exhausted. “Is Brian there too?”

“Of course he is!” I raged. “You left the two of us here like a couple of kids! Did it even occur to you that Brian and I would have wanted to come with you? Did you not think that we wanted to be there for support? I assume that you took Howie with you because you know that, out of all of us, he is the least likely to break down and embarrass you. Well, let me tell you something, Kevin, there is nothing wrong with the fact that Brian and I are having some trouble dealing with this! I actually find it pretty fucking sad that you’re trying to cover up the fact that you’re suffering, and don’t even get me started on ...”

“AJ!” Kevin interrupted. “For once in your life, can you please just shut the fuck up and let me speak?!”

“You’re always the one who gets to speak!” Brian spat. “Maybe it’s you who needs to take a step back and ...”

“Jesus Christ, Brian!” Kevin exploded. “I really need the two of you to listen to me right now!”

“You always need us to fucking listen to you!” I roared. “Maybe we’re tired of listening to you!”

“It’s not Nick!” Kevin screamed into the phone, his voice echoing through the early morning stillness. “Howie and I both looked at the body and it’s not Nick!”

Brian and I slowly raised our eyes from the phone and looked at each other in shocked silence. The colour had drained from Brian’s skin, and I was pretty sure my own face matched his ghostly white complexion.

“What - what do you mean that it’s not Nick?” I stammered. “Who the hell is it?”

“I don’t know.” Kevin’s voice had returned to its normal volume. “All I know is that it’s not Nick.”