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Brian sighed deeply in his sleep and moved his head to the side. Kevin smiled slightly before returning his gaze to the book he wasn’t really reading anyway. He wasn’t sure what had caused the sudden change of events, but he was mighty glad it did. For the first time in seven days, he dared to have a positive outlook on things. It was the most liberating feeling in the world.

Howie had called him in excitement a few hours earlier, telling him a rather unhinged story about what had happened. Kevin hadn’t exactly been able to make sense of it, but the message was still the same. Brian was healing; they were finally out of the woods. The fever had begun to go down and his lungs were slowly but surely starting to clear.

He felt the tears stinging as he recalled how only yesterday, there had been almost no hope at all. He was a sentimentalist, he knew that. He wasn’t ashamed of it. Still, he frowned as a tear left a wet stain on the page he was on. He ran a hand down his face and took a deep, shuddering breath, the smile of relief still plastered on his face.

He hadn’t been ready to lose a cousin, a brother, like that. Maybe, just maybe, he had to start believing in miracles again.

“Kev?” He looked up, surprised to hear the hoarse and weak voice. He hadn’t heard it since he and Howie had left that fateful field to try and find help, not knowing if he would ever hear it again.

“Hey,” he said softly, swallowing the tears as he leaned closer towards his cousin, his smile slowly growing. Brian blinked at him a few times in confusion.

He had fallen asleep right after he’d been taking off the ventilator, clearly exhausted. Nobody had told him anything yet and Kevin felt a little bit anxious when he realized that this was probably going to be the time that his cousin would start asking questions. “How are you feeling?”

Brian thought for a minute as he sank back into the soft pillows and stared at the ceiling. “Kinda really tired,” he muttered eventually, “But I guess that’s the way I should be feeling, huh?” He started to cough; a deep, hacking noise that Kevin had to remind himself the sound was normal for someone that was recovering from this sort of case of pneumonia.

He nodded slightly, “Yeah, I guess.”

“Where’s Leigh?”

Kevin studied him for a second, seeing the million questions burning in Brian’s eyes. But of course he would ask for his wife first. “I told her to get some rest. I told everybody to go get some rest, actually. She’s with Baylee. I think they’re at Howie’s place, but I’m not too sure.”

Brian nodded slowly and Kevin saw a hint of disappointment on his face at his wife’s absence. Kevin could understand; he’d be bummed too if he woke up in a hospital and Kristin wasn’t there. “I can call her right now if you like,” he suggested, raising his eyebrows.

Brian thought about that for a second, but then shook his head, “Nah, she probably really needs her sleep.

Cause if I know her well enough, and I think I do, she’s most likely been here all the time, right?”

“Yeah,” Kevin smiled, nodding, “How’s your leg?” he asked, quickly changing the subject.

His cousin stayed silent for a moment and averted his gaze, contemplating his answer. He’d purposely been avoiding having to look at his legs the whole time; he was more than a little scared to find out in what condition he might find them. He shrugged slightly, but decided to be honest, “I don’t know. It kinda hurts pretty badly.”

Kevin frowned at that. With the amount of painkillers they’d been pumping into his IV, he had expected Brian to pretty much be numb all over. Hearing him admit to the pain was very… un- Brian-like. He eyed the complicated framework that covered almost all of his cousin’s left leg and sighed. “Makes sense,” he concluded, “I mean, you pretty much shattered most of your tibia, and the femur isn’t in much better shape either,” he said, repeating the doctor’s words he’d heard a few days ago. At this point, they weren’t sure if Brian would ever be able to walk normally again, but no way in hell he was going to tell him that yet. He would leave that up to the doctor.

Brian looked at him and narrowed his eyes, slightly confused, “No,” he mumbled, gesturing to his right, “I meant the other leg. Feels like it’s on fire.” He frowned as he saw Kevin close his eyes for a moment, “Kev?”

Kevin took a deep breath and shook his head. He wished he didn’t have to do this. He wished Brian would have just slept until the doctor was back to explain it all.

“What’s the last thing you remember? From the field, I mean?”

“Not sure. Everything’s pretty vague. I mean, I woke up with a freaking bus on my legs. Then you guys tried to lift it, then AJ shoved a rock under it. And then you and Howie left. That’s pretty much it. I think I heard AJ smash the bottle of whiskey, but more than that… no. Why, what happened?”

Kevin sighed again, avoiding his band mate’s burning stare as he stared at the blankets on the bed, “Brian…” he began, then cleared his throat.

“W-what? Why are you acting so weird?” Brian asked, interrupting him. His gaze was full of apprehension as he kept his eyes on the side of Kevin’s head, burning holes right through it. Something in Kevin suggested that Brian already knew what was coming.

“Cuz, listen,” he said, his voice low and barely audible, “you… you were barely alive when we finally did find help. I mean, your temp was like, 75, and your heart was barely beating,” he said, finally looking at Brian, who nodded slightly and gestured for him to continue. “We… They… They wouldn’t have been able to move the bus off your leg fast enough, Bri. You were too cold, the thing was too heavy. They weren’t even sure if there was any circulation left at all…”

“No,” Brian said, his voice a low, warning, grumble, “don’t say it.”

“They had to,” Kevin muttered, staring down at his hands. “There was no other option.”

“And you guys just let it happen?” Brian asked, his voice rising in pitch.

“You would have died, Brian,” Kevin said helplessly, “I had to…”

Brian’s eyes widened and he stared at his cousin for a moment longer, then looked down at his legs. Now that he noticed it, the form of the sheets did look a bit strange. Clenching his jaw, he took a hold of the blankets and removed them in one swift motion before gasping in shock.

“No…” he whispered, not able to take his eyes off the horrifying sight before him. His eyes traveled down his heavily bruised thigh, which somehow ended at the point where he supposed his knee had once begun. The thick bandages left only little up to the imagination.

Suddenly, he felt strangely light-headed and gasped for air as he scrambled back on the bed in horror. He turned his panicked gaze back to his cousin, who was looking at him with a weird expression. He was saying something, but Brian couldn’t hear a word of what he said over the insistent ringing in his ears. He felt like things were happening in slow motion as he tried to move, to get up.

He barely noticed Kevin jumping into action and gripping his shoulders to keep him from falling off the bed. The panic was only rising and Brian found himself gasping for precious oxygen that seemed to have suddenly vanished from the room. He heard Kevin yell in that slow motion voice of his and struggled to get free of his cousin’s strong hold. Coughing and gasping, he tried to tell Kevin to leave him the fuck alone. The room was spinning around him and no matter how he tried; he couldn’t draw a single proper breath into his lungs.

Kevin cursed himself over and over again for letting Brian so worked up. He yelled for help again, keeping a strong hold of his squirming relative. At this point, Brian’s breathing had turned into sure hyperventilation and Kevin could feel him shaking in his arms. He hadn’t expected Brian’s reaction to be this bad and berated himself for not waiting for doctor Ferris to break the news. That would have been such a better option. He also knew that Brian would have kept asking, or find it out by himself anyway instead of waiting for tomorrow morning.

Finally, Martha ran in with a tense face. She rushed to the other side of the bed, grapping an oxygen mask and covering half of Brian’s face with it. “Listen to me,” the nurse instructed in a stern, but calm voice. “Just focus on breathing right now, alright?”

Brian shook his head wildly, still gasping, “I c-can’t!”

“Yes you can,” Martha said reassuringly, “You have to calm down, just listen to my voice, okay? Deep breaths, that’s it. You’re doing great,” she coached, readjusting the blankets to cover his legs once more.

Brian squeezed his eyes shut, his hands curling into fists around the sheets as he tried to regain his composure. It took agonizingly long to be able to draw a decent enough breath again. Eventually, he nodded at Martha’s questioning look, indicating he was going to be okay.

“Alright, try not to get yourself worked up like this, okay? Your lungs can’t handle that, I’ll go get some pain meds,” Martha instructed as she left the room.

Kevin watched her leave, feeling his own pounding heartbeat return to normal again. Nevertheless, it leapt right back into his throat as he turned and looked at Brian. His younger cousin was looking at him with a look of pure resentment, his nostrils flaring as he did his best to keep from screaming. Kevin took a step back at the intensity of Brian’s gaze. Though he knew fully well that Brian couldn’t do anything from his position, he was still taken aback by the sheer amount of anger he found in those eyes.

“Bri-,” he began.

“Leave,” Brian said in a monotonous voice.

“Look, I didn’t-,” Kevin said calmly, before being interrupted again.

“Fuck you! Just get. The hell. Out,” Brian hissed, his eyes almost forcefully shoving Kevin out of the room himself.

Kevin nodded and stared at the ground for a few moments before turning around, “Fine,” he muttered. Everybody was already blaming him for what happened to Brian’s leg, what did it matter if Brian himself did too? A lot, he reminded himself, it mattered a lot.

Brian watched Kevin leave before he fell back against the pillows. He took a shaking breath, coughing slightly as he stared up at the ceiling. He bit his bottom lip, but felt the tears falling down anyway. He didn’t really know why he had expected to just be able to escape that horrible bus crash with just a few bruises, while everything had indicated that that wouldn’t be the case. He didn’t know why he was holding his cousin responsible for this fate.

He stared with unconcealed hatred at the strange shape of his legs under the covers. This wasn’t his life.

This shouldn’t have happened to him. Anyone but him.

“Why me?” he grunted with a sad sigh, looking up, but not expecting an answer.