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Chapter Nine

I know who I decided to become after Kevin left the group. I felt like it didn’t matter. I acted like I didn’t care. But I did. I also figured no one else cared so no one should know that I did, deep down. All I wanted was for them to care. I wanted that so bad it hurt. If I’d known they did, I wouldn’t have fallen so far.



Nick wandered into the studio, half stumbling in. He’d had a long night but he knew if he missed one more session the fellas were going to ream him out again. And while he wasn’t afraid of them he wasn’t in the mood for yelling. He still had a headache from last night’s activities. AJ, Howie, and Brian were already there, all of them working together with notebooks in hand. Instruments were along the wall of the room and Brian immediately frowned at the cameras that came in behind the young blonde. Howie gave Brian a warning look that the latter ignored completely.

“Fun night Nick?”

He rolled his eyes back at him. “Yeah, it was. You guys didn’t look like you were lost without me anyway.”

AJ sighed, knowing the youngest of them had a problem but the way Brian was going about it wasn’t right either. “We were bouncing around ideas and things we’ve been working on since Never Gone.”

Nick plopped down in a chair, burying his face in his arms. “Go on then. I’ll make mine quick. I haven’t worked on shit.”

Brian rolled his eyes again. “Of course not. And can we get the cameras out of here? It was bad enough they were stuck at that meeting with Johnny.”

“No, I signed a contract so they have to follow me.” His voice was muffled but the nothing could hide the sharpness in his voice. “Besides it doesn’t matter. You’re just gonna be Blurry Brian.”

Brian when he heard about the reality show had gotten into an argument with Nick about it. It was simply another in a long line of debates about their lifestyle differences. Brian didn’t understand because he didn’t want to. Leighanne was a big instigator in that. To this day Nick was still calling her Yoko without any ounce of shame about it. He didn’t call Nick to check on how things were going for House of Carters. He didn’t call Nick outside of work at all anymore. This Brian was too good for Nick. He had to stay away as much as possible or he’d be tarnished or something. The whole thought of it made him sick. He wanted his best friend back and deep down, he knew that would never happen.

“I told you why I’m not signing that agreement Nick.”

“Because you’re a self-righteous prick. Can’t be seen with Nick Carter even though the whole damn world knows we’re in the same group! If I get too close, I’ll…I’ll catch his fuck-up disease or something. You have to be all, all holy and pure now.”

Howie blinked at the brutal attack coming from Nick. Leaning over, he frowned after taking a sniff. “Nick, are you drunk?”

AJ suspected the blonde was high as well but knew adding that in wasn’t going to help any. Nick wasn’t AJ. And it seemed like no matter how many times he told the others that, they still wanted to help Nick with the same methods they helped him. Methods AJ knew wouldn’t work. If you attacked him he would get defensive. Sure, he would break down. But that wouldn’t happen until he was alone. It wouldn’t happen till he was “safe” with that group of so-called friends like Bean. He’d been wanting to punch Bean in the face for the past four years. That also wouldn’t help any. Years of therapy and counseling from rehab had taught AJ how to manage his anger.

Sometimes he wished it hadn’t.

Present day Nick was standing in the doorway. This was only a couple of months ago. The very beginnings of recording for their new album. He snorted as he crossed his arms and leaned up against the doorframe. “It’s weird as fuck to hear what they’re thinking.”

“Does it help?” Grace asked from behind him. “Can’t you see their concern?”

“I see AJ’s.” Nick admitted to himself. “This whole thing was fucking ridiculous. Still is. We’re here trying to pretend nothing’s changed. Everything changed. You know what we decided to call the album a week ago? Unbreakable. What a fucking crock. We’re not Unbreakable. We just lost Kevin and everyone’s looking out for themselves.”

His angel sighed and shook her head. “You’re broken because you let yourself break. Now listen.”

“No I’m not drunk!” His past self raged at Howie, standing up. “And who are you to ask that? I’ve seen you party. You drink like a god damn fish.”

Brian rolled his eyes and stood as well. “But he doesn’t let it interfere with his work. Nick can’t you see what’s happening?”

“Yeah. You’re so worried about this fucking up your precious Christian solo career that you can’t see past your own ass!” Nick accused, heading towards the door. “You gave me so much shit about Now or Never but you know at least I was doing it during my downtime. You did yours during the recording of Never Gone. You toured while we were trying to work on this record. And you want to judge me? I ain’t religious and shit but I’m pretty damn sure there’s something in there about throwing stones.”

Nick stormed outside, unknowingly walking through his self. “Screw this.”

The two observers stayed for a moment to watch.

“Shit.” AJ muttered, shaking his head.

“I’m not going after him.” Brian told the others. “He’s throwing another tantrum.”

“I’ll talk to him. Though you know, he’s not all wrong about the solo albums.” Howie told him pointedly. “You still haven’t forgiven him for doing exactly what you are now. I’m not saying he’s all right but neither are you. Just…think about it.” He turned around and walked out before Brian could think up a proper response.

Grace nodded at her charge, the two following the other pair out into the bright sunlight. There was a small alleyway behind the studio. One that didn’t require any security though Q was around there somewhere. He was always looking out for the Boys. Their head of security had long ago become a close friend. Both Nicks spied him at the end of the alley smoking a cigarette and smiles followed.

Howie shook his head as Nick lit one up himself. “Hey what was that about? I wasn’t accusing, I’m worried about you man.”

“Are you? Or the group image? Johnny thinks I’m fucking us up. I heard him say it the other day.”

“Maybe we should let Johnny go.” Howie shrugged. “I wasn’t the happiest about hiring him back last album. It wasn’t like he helped us fight the label. He ditched us for Justin Timberlake again anyway. Déjà-Vu, right?”

Nick blew a long puff of smoke out into the air. “Maybe we should.” He sighed. “Maybe I drank a lot last night D but I’m fine.” A beat. “I’m not AJ.”

Howie patted him on the shoulder, not believing a word but knowing doubt would push him away even more. “I’m not Kevin and I’m not trying to be. But we’ve been friends for a long time. We all have. I wish you’d try and talk to Brian. You guys used to be so close.”

“Used to be. We’ll get over it. We always do.” But it wasn’t like before. Brian didn’t used to be ashamed to be his friend.

“Not like before.”

He forced a smile at his friend and band mate. “I swear, I’m fine. I’m not AJ. I screwed up today. I’ll get some coffee and it’ll be cool.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” Howie smiled back at him though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Everything alright with your brother?” He pursued, knowing the answer already. Aaron had been getting interviews now that the media knew there was a reality show coming. Paris had come up and he’d had the nerve to say that he thought Nick was capable of hitting her. It had been that interview that had caused him to want to get completely wasted. His own family thought he was a woman beater.

I’m a woman beater in their eyes but they still want me to be their ATM. Nick thought bitterly while nodding at his friend. “He’s being a stupid little shit but what’s new? Maybe this whole show will help me get him back in line.”

He could tell Howie doubted that. So did Nick though he’d never admit it. “Just double checking. I’ll let you finish out here. We’ll start again in a few once you come inside.”

I’m not fine. The other Nick thought, turning away. I’m never fine. Maybe I would be if I never joined the group to begin with. Never tried to be the provider for my fucked up family. Or tried to keep replacing my family only to have it broken over and over.

“You really believe that, don’t you?”

Nick jerked out of his thoughts with a frown. “Fuck. Can you stop playing mind reader?”

“No.” She smiled and took his hand. “We gotta go back. We’re nearly caught up and we need to make sure you’re still alive.”

“Why wouldn’t I still be alive?” Nick demanded, his eyes narrowing at her.

She smirked smugly. “I thought you didn’t care if you lived or died.”

“I don’t but you seemed so sure I won’t.”

“Nothing is for certain in life Nick.”

“Don’t I know it.”

Instantaneously the two of them were back in Nick’s apartment. She approached his unconscious body while Nick stayed by the door. It freaked him out and he wasn’t about to watch himself die if he could help it. His foot tapped nervously on the floor. Was he dead? Was he alive? Was he supposed to feel different? Why did he feel the same? What did he want? So many questions. Not one answer in the bunch. Even after reliving some key moments in his life, some bad, others good, he wasn’t sure. He found himself thinking about the fellas. About Kevin in particular when it came to it. Kevin didn’t come to him when he left the group with the truth. Why?

Because he probably didn’t want me feeling guilty. Maybe he thought I was in too deep without it.

Instead Nick had blamed himself. For the past year since that dinner, he’d been blaming himself for fracturing the group. Maybe because deep down he knew it wouldn’t be wrong to blame him. Or maybe it’s because of years of blame from his mother, it was second nature.

“Nick?” Grace called softly.

“Am I dead?”

She shook her head. “You’re still alive.” She glided over to him more so than walked, her eyes were gentle, peaceful. An expression Nick knew he hadn’t possessed himself in a long time. Even lying there on the floor, he looked anything but at peace. “But I know you still can’t make a decision about what you want.”

Nick shook his head. “I know I wanted to die but…” he trailed off. “What would happen if I did?”

She sighed deeply, shifting her gaze away. “You wouldn’t go to hell. I’m pretty sure. Your soul isn’t that far gone. But you wouldn’t go to Heaven either. You would have to work off your sins first. I don’t know what He would decide to do. Maybe you’d be like me. Maybe you wouldn’t.”

“What did you do? To be working off yours, I mean.”

She turned back with a sad little smile. “This isn’t about me. This is your story, not mine.” She bit her lip, looking to be in deep thought about something. “I’m just, the narrator so to speak.”

“What I really want, I don’t think you can give.” Nick admitted. “That’s why death felt like the best option.”

“I can’t give you exactly what you think you’d get.” Grace corrected. “I’ve racked up exactly one favor for this family. I know I could use it for you. So far you’re the only one with any potential to…” She didn’t finish. “But I can do one thing.”

“What?”

“I can change one choice in your life.”

Nick’s brows furrowed. “A choice?”

She nodded. “Yes. You say you wish you weren’t a Backstreet Boy. I can give you that. I can send you back into your body thirteen years ago. You wouldn’t have any memories of this life. You would simply be guided to have chosen the Mickey Mouse Club instead. The group as you knew it would’ve never existed. After that every choice would be your own. Free will and all.”

His eyes brightened. “So I can get out of this, maybe not even end up famous at all. Or at least not for long.” Nick found himself grinning. “I could be normal.”

“Maybe. I’d only change that one choice for you.”

“You can really do this?”

“I can.” She took his hand. “But before I do. There’s a few more things I should show you.”

He blinked. “Like what?”

“Just…trust me.”

Nick smirked at her. “Do I get a choice?”

“In this, no.”
Chapter End Notes:
Happy Nick and Knight Day! LOL