If I learned nothing on this weird journey, it’s that nothing in life is guaranteed. Nothing’s promised to you. The only sure thing is life is life itself. Well, that and death. Everything else is to you to make of it what you will. It doesn’t mean life will be easy but, was it ever supposed to be? What do you think? Because I’m not sure. I don’t think it matters though. Not to me anyway. I’ve decided in the past few years to take life as it comes and enjoy everything that has been given to me. I have more than most. It sucks it took me so long to see it. In the end, that’s enough reason to keep living, keep trying – for myself, and for everyone I care about in this world.
“Now, there’s something I should tell you.”
Nick smirked at her. “There’s a fucking shocker.”
“Smart alec.” But she was grinning. “Still, I don’t think you’re asking for death anymore, are you?”
He shook his head, gazing back at his still body.”No, not yet.” A sigh followed, deep and tired. “That life was good Grace. I liked it. I could almost see myself living it.”
“But, cause I know there’s a but.”
The corners of his mouth twitched. “But it was knowing what could happen. Knowing what it does to the fellas, knowing what it does to Leslie…”
She bit her lip.”Well, that’s the thing I should tell you, actually.”
“What do you mean?”
Her sweet and innocent big blue eyes shone with all the wisdom and pain from the unknown amount of years her being a celestial creature could possibly carry. Not for the first time was Nick curious about the burdens she kept buried beneath that angelic smile. “Nothing I showed you was certain. Nothing in life or in possibilities can ever be sure. I can’t tell you what would absolutely happen if I made it so that in 1992 you decided not to be a Backstreet Boy…”
“Then what was that then?!” Nick heard himself shouting as his face grew warm with rage. He was angry, so angry and frustrated. Was none of this real? “Why show me that at all?!” Why put me through the pain of seeing Brian die? Why Brian? Of seeing Kevin’s life get as fucked up as mine? Why AJ was dying, and poor Howie.
“Because.” Grace’s voice infuriatingly calm. Especially for someone like him, who couldn’t keep his temper if his life depended on it. “Because those lives could happen. It’s like spinning a roulette wheel to try and guess which life comes to be if you change your path even slightly. You just don’t know. I don’t know. The only one who knows is the Big Boss above and He won’t say. Your life, if you’d taken me up on my offer could be the one I showed you. It could be even better. It could be worse. That’s the risk.”
“But it could be better.”
“Yeah but it’s like you said Nick – your siblings, your bandmates, you don’t know what would happen. That’s what kills you.”
“No shit.” He muttered. I’d want to know they were okay, better off. The only way I’d know is if everything stayed the same. If I don’t change anything, I’ll know they’re alright.
Grace smiled at him and for the first time Nick could see two wings. They were as white as the purest snow and resembled wings of a dove as they extended from her back. “I always knew you wouldn’t take me up on that choice. You’re too good a soul. It’s why God sees what you can do, your potential to bring so much joy to the world. You can help save others like you by reaching out to them. It’s also why I gave you the offer to begin with. So you could realize it for yourself.”
He was silent for a few moments, taking everything in.
“I can’t believe none of it was real.” Nick said as he stared at the floor.
“No, a lot of it was real.” Grace stepped forward, taking his hands. “The memories? Those were real. That was your life. The good, the bright moments, no one can take those from you. The love your friends have for you? That’s real. It never went anywhere.”
“I…” But she was right. Even in the recent memories and moments, she’d shown him just how much Brian, AJ, Howie, and Kevin still cared about him. He was still their little brother even if he stopped being able to see it. They were his family even when his own refused to accept him without the conditions he refused to meet.
“You’re able to keep chasing your dreams and keep reaching them. How many can say that? Your life isn’t perfect but no life is. That’s the whole point. But look at what you do have…and there can be more.”
Everything began to shimmer around them.
“There can be so much more.” Her voice whispered in his ear.
*****
They were in Malibu. Nick was sure of it. The house was beautiful and somewhat simple to his surprise. It was likely high priced as it sat along the beach with an amazing ocean view. Nick walked through the home as he gazed around. There were some beautifully done paintings of space along the walls. The windows were huge and let in a lot of sun, giving it an open, airy sort of feeling. Then a plaque showing how many times Millennium went platinum caught his eye and he turned around towards Grace. On another wall he saw a plaque from some film festival awarding the group for a documentary called Show Em What You’re Made Of. She was kneeling down and petting a very excited pug.
“Is this mine?”
“Aww Nacho you’re so cute!” She shook her head. “No, not yet.”
“Yet?”
She stood with a slight shrug. “I mean yet. This is a future that is a definite possibility. This can be real. This isn’t some roulette wheel. He asked me to show you this, at the end, when you were close to choosing which way to go. Your life can go one of two ways at this point, depending on which path you go down.”
“Nick?”
The pair turned. Nick stared at a tall, beautiful and almost exotic looking woman with long brown hair though he had yet to catch a glimpse of her face. “Who’s that?”
“Come on Nacho! I told you daddy wasn’t home yet.” The pug trotted away happily.
Grace smiled simply. “That could be someone very special. She could be your wife, Nick. She could be everything you’ve been looking for, if you let yourself be open to it.”
He snorted, crossing his arms though his eyes never left the direction she’d gone. “I don’t believe in marriage.”
“Again, yet. I know your parents and their mess has you afraid. Your family, the whole Carter line in general so really our family has its history of both artistic talents and dysfunction. But you can be the one to start fixing it. You can help change that.”
“Why didn’t you?”
She gazed away. “Because I, like you, didn’t care if I threw my life away. I simply wasn’t given the second chance you are. I’ve regretted that moment for the rest of my existence and I always will. I don’t want that for you. Look at this. This is the type of life you want. It was why that choice I offered was so tempting, wasn’t it? You can make this life for yourself.”
“You’re serious.” Nick murmured. “This can really be my life?” He picked up a photo on the shelf. In it were all five of them, as a group, getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. A glance at the date showed it to be around their 20th anniversary as a group. Seven years from now. We last that long? We’re still able to make albums and keep going? He knew the rules of getting a star. Every celebrity did.
Their surroundings began to shimmer once more. “Yes.” He suspected that it was an answer to the questions spoken and unspoken. “But there’s one other future for you that’s just as clear and certain as this one is as of right now.”
The area was dark as she took his hand and led him forward. He could hear crickets chirping as the wet grass crunched beneath his feet. Her footsteps made no sound at all. The moon was high in the sky above them and gave a gloomy sort of lonely beauty around them. She stopped suddenly and pointed just beyond them. “Or this could still happen, if you don’t change. If you don’t work for a better life for yourself and stop with drowning your problems in alcohol and drugs…”
Nick stared at the headstone before him.
January 28th, 1980 – October 8th, 2007
Friend. Son. Bandmate. Brother.
“Your siblings with the exception of Angel fight over who gets your money.” Grace said from behind. “Your funeral is massive, surrounded by fans and press who couldn’t believe you were found dead in a hotel from a drug overdose. Just the latest member of the Twenty-Seven Club. You died alone and the fellas, they blamed themselves for being unable to stop it. Kevin especially, since he left the group.”
“This can happen?” Despite everything, he wanted to dive right back down into denial.
“If you don’t stop it. You can have the other life. It may not be perfect but you’ll love it and be happy. Or, you can have this. It’s up to you. It always has been.”
He turned and stared at her. “I don’t want to die. Not now. And not like that.”
“You almost did tonight. But Nick, what do you want?”
“I want…I want that girl. I want that life.”
She smiled at him as her form began to glow. “You know something funny? I don’t think you ever really wanted to die. All you needed was for me to remind you of that.”
“I don’t know how to get there though.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll figure it out. I know.” She touched his forehead and suddenly there was nothing but a blinding light. He couldn’t see anything but white. Everything felt warm and hot as the world seemed to buzz. Her voice was fading as it echoed around him.
“Because I have faith in you Nick. You’re going to be just fine.”
*****
In his next moment of awareness, he found as hard as he tried, he couldn’t open his eyes.
“Nick! Nick! Stay with me!” Kevin’s voice yelled. It sounds like he’s yelling. Holy fuck.
All that came out was a groan.
“You’re in an ambulance little man, okay? I can’t have you dying on me.” He sounded like he was crying. Kevin was always the first of them to get emotional. It was almost funny over the years. Someone who could be the most uptight in the group at times was always the first to bawl like a baby. But deep down, Nick always loved that about him. “I called the others. They’ll be here okay? Brian’s even flying out from Atlanta. We need you Nick. I can’t…I’m sorry if leaving got to you this much.” There was more crying. “When you wake up, I’ll explain it all if I have to. It wasn’t you Nick. It was me and I didn’t want to bring you down.”
You didn’t bring me down Kevin. Nick thought groggily. Whatever drugs were still in his system and whatever the EMTs gave him were messing with his thought process a bit. It took all his efforts but his eyes finally opened so that he could blink up at another bright light and Kevin’s face that seemed to age ten years within ten minutes or however long ago he’d found him. It was tiring but Nick also managed to squeeze Kevin’s hand that was wrapped around his.
“You’re awake!” He looked around for the EMT as the ambulance wailed and sped forward. “He’s awake!”
I’m awake, and I’m alive. Don’t worry Kev, I’m not going anywhere.
I don’t want to miss a thing.
