When we first became a group I just knew, somehow, that our hard work would make our dreams reality. What I didn’t know was how easily dreams could become nightmares.
“Who are you?” Nick demanded, doing anything but looking at himself. He just, couldn’t.
The girl smiled. “My name used to be Grace. And before you ask again, like I said. I’m here because you’re not dead yet. Right now I guess you can say you’re…in between.”
A brow arched at her. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
She sighed and shifted closer. Her movements were elegant and refined, gentle and lovely. “I mean that you have possible alcohol poisoning and complications from the drugs in your system. You could die on your kitchen floor and no one would know for days. I don’t know because unlike Him, I’m not all knowing. Depends on when others choose to check on you again. You’ve pushed so many away.” Grace sighed deeply before continuing. “Or you can choose to survive and keep living. The man upstairs has given you this one shot.”
He eyed her suspiciously. “Why me?”
“Because unlike so many of our family, you have the potential to change the lives of an incredible number of lives Nick. You could do so much with your life if you chose to. I know you can’t see it right now but that’s what I’m here for.”
A bitter laugh followed immediately. “And if I’d rather not go back to my fucked up life?”
She smirked back at him, crossing her arms over her chest. “You’re not allowed to choose yet. You get to come with me, see and learn a few things. The idea is that those like myself at least attempt to make sure you’re capable of making an informed decision.”
“Those like you.”
“Guardians. In my case I watch over the Carter family.”
“You’ve been doing a fucked up job if that’s the case.”
Another sigh as she tucked a curl behind her ear. “I can influence, I can show things. But God gave humans the gift of free will. I can’t make the decisions for anyone. You’re right. Our family has fallen so far. But you’re the one who can change things around. I hope anyway cause otherwise everything I’ve done for the last few generations has been a waste of effort.”
“You keep saying our family.” It was easier to keep the focus off of himself, Nick decided.
“I’m a relative. A bit distant now I suppose.” She smiled at him and the serenity she possessed was something Nick almost wished he could have for himself. If death was the way to get it, all the more reason to go now and make it quick. “But this isn’t about me today.” Grace held her hand out to him. “This is all about you.”
He rolled his eyes. “I can’t ignore you can I?”
“You’ll remain in limbo the longer you keep fighting me about this.” She paused. “And I’ll leave so you’ll know true loneliness as you wander the earth in the in-between.”
“Okay, okay.” He grumbled as he snatched her hand. “I get it. Let’s get this shit over with. Not like it’ll matter if none of this is real and I’ve lost my fucking mind.”
And within a blinding light, the two were gone.
****
A flash appeared and suddenly Nick felt like he’d been here before, though it’d been a long time. The sky was bright and blue and it was the middle of the day rather than night like before. He glanced around and immediately knew he was nowhere near Los Angeles. “Damn I ain’t in Kansas anymore.”
“Nope.” She started walking to an old warehouse.
“Where are we?” He asked, glancing around as the occasional person walked by. It was weird though, something was different yet familiar all at once.
“Orlando.” They walked inside the building.
He turned towards her. “Orlando? What the hell is waiting for me in Or…lan…do…”
Nick’s voice trailed off at the sight before him. Grace couldn’t help but laugh. “I guess I should’ve mentioned the fact we’re in Orlando, Florida, January of 1992.”
Before him were five boys relentlessly rehearsing the same dance moves to the same old NKOTB song over and over again. Two of which were boys he’d call brothers for the rest of his life. There was AJ, skinny as a bean pole, floppy brown hair, and free of even the slightest hint of a tattoo. Howie wasn’t the shortest guy there; his cheesy grin was even cheesier. He hadn’t yet started his trademark wink and the years of age Nick was so used to seeing didn’t exist. The blonde, taller man with slightly defined cheekbones and an overly cocky persona was someone Nick hadn’t seen in almost a decade, he smirked, Sam Licata. And the other, a dark haired boy in the back a little bulkier than AJ, was someone whose name he couldn’t even remember anymore.
“Charles Edwards.” Grace piped up as if she could hear his thoughts. Maybe she could.
“Right. Burk had already left.” To be some hypocritical religious nut, he added silently. Nick remembered easily an interview he’d come across last year about how he’d given it up while judging Brian for his beliefs.
“Nick…” She nodded at the group again, one figure shifting towards the center during the routine and immediately catching his attention.
He was by far the smallest kid there. Dressed in bright clothes and stonewash jeans, he was the epitome of early nineties style. His floppy golden hair was flying all over the place as he used his boundless energy to keep dancing. His bright blue eyes were alight with so much excitement that he almost tripped over himself now and then.
“I’m not that kid anymore.” Nick spat out, nodding at his younger self.
“No, you’re not.” Grace agreed. “But I think you forgot who that kid was.”
“I wish I could.” He muttered. “Why here? Why now? Brian and Kevin hadn’t even joined yet.”
She shook her head and motioned for him to pay attention. She had her reasons for bringing him here. It was whether or not Nick could figure them out that was important to her. If she told him everything, she knew he’d learn nothing. There was risk in this of course but she had faith in Nick. There was simply too much potential and she prayed it wouldn’t go to waste because of his selfish and destructive choices.
“Alright!” Another voice broke through as a grossly overweight man waddled over to the group. “Let’s go over Sam’s song again for the next performance.”
“Actually.” Sam spoke up, smirking at the others. “I don’t want to let you guys use my song anymore.”
“What?” AJ was the first to speak out and Nick laughed at that. That was typical. Back then, knowing he was the baby put a little bit of fear into him. It kept him from speaking out as much as he’d learn to later over the years.
“What do you mean?” Lou said, before anyone else could spark an argument. The others had now started glaring at Sam.
“I’m not comfortable letting the group use my song Lou.”
“Why’s that? You were comfortable before.” It didn’t take long before it spiraled down into an increasingly heated argument.
“Things change. I’m not letting you use my song.”
“I thought you were committed to this. Charles, AJ, Howie and Nick are. I’ve done everything for you kids and this is-”
“I think we’ll call this a day.” Denise spoke up firmly, cutting their “sixth member” off before he could finish. She always tried to stand her ground when it came to protecting her only son. “Come on Alex, let’s have you try and get some studying done for once.” Her tone had been a teasing one.
“That’s for the best. I’ll call with the next rehearsal after Sam and I…talk out the situation.” Lou’s eyes were harsh and calculating. A look the others had never seen from him before. It was also a look they would someday see often.
Howie and Charles had headed outside with a wave to twelve-year-old Nick as his mother took him to the car. Everyone was eager to get away from the blowup though some looked slightly pleased about it. Grace motioned for Nick to follow his younger self. The argument between Sam and Lou began to fade out. Though the words “Fuck this band, I quit! I don’t need to be some fake New Kid wannabe anyway. I’ll go solo and make millions while you keep them rehearsing in this hellhole!” managed to reach his ears before he and his guide slipped through the car and settled in the backseat.
“He was the biggest fucking douche.” Nick muttered. “I remember in ’99 he tracked me down and asked for some help sinking a record contract for his solo career, heh. Then used us years later to get attention in some interview about him being in the group for a second, and talked shit about us not being real musicians. Bitter. Bet he wishes he’d have just let us use his stupid song. It wasn’t even that good.”
“That’s the thing about choices.” Grace replied smugly. “You can’t always see the consequences even when you think they won’t matter.”
Nick snorted in response.
Jane drove the car while her young son stared out the window. “I’m okay that Sam’s leaving.” He said out of nowhere. “I didn’t like him. I bet Lou finds someone better. The group won’t break up.”
Her gaze was colder and her tone was clipped. “It better not. When I think about the fact I let you sacrifice a thirty thousand dollar contract with Disney by choosing this instead of the Mickey Mouse Club…” She shook her head. “Our family is relying on this, on you, to get this somewhere after all the sacrifices your father and I made just for you. When we get home I need you to keep an eye on your siblings. Your father and I will need a drink after I tell him how Sam decided to up and quit.”
“Mom…” His voice grew softer. “I’ll try really hard. I won’t let you down.”
“I know you won’t.” Jane smiled at him now. “You’re out little star. I know it. One day millions of people will know your name. Your father and I won’t be up all night worrying about the bills.”
“You won’t fight as much?”
“There won’t be much to fight over then.”
The boy smiled brightly. “That’ll be great mom. And then I’ll be a big star singing anywhere I want…”
Grabbing Nick’s hand, she pulled him out of the car. They floated gently down to the pavement as the beat up vehicle sped off down the highway back towards Tampa. Nick pulled his hand away from her and sat on a nearby boulder, watching the traffic. “It’s a pretty fucked up thing, your mom blaming you for the financial shit.”
“But you cared so much about your family you were willing to do anything.”
“Is that why you showed me this shit?” He glared up at her with accusing eyes. “I thought you want me to live. If anything this just confirms for me no one’s given a damn for a long time. Mom fought with Dad constantly, threatening divorce at every turn. Money came up all the time. And if I didn’t fix it than it’s my fault. My siblings were more like my fucking kids. Hell that’s still true! I try to fix things and it fucks everything up more. My family was a wreck before I got famous but look at what they became after.”
Grace simply shook her head, undisturbed by his anger. “I showed you this to remind you how much you loved them. How much you still do love them. Did you see your face as you performed? That love was there since the beginning too. You had all this pressure but it didn’t ruin that for you. Others wouldn’t have been as strong as you.”
“We were such a mess then.” Nick said softly, more to himself than anyone else. “If it’d been like that, everything would’ve been different. I don’t think the Backstreet Boys would’ve existed.”
“Life’s full of infinite possibilities. That could be one of them.”
Maybe I would’ve been happier. Maybe I’d know what normal was. But he didn’t say those thoughts aloud. He couldn’t make believe himself into a better life or an alternate universe. Even if he did have an angel at his side, and part of him still thought this was a dream, nothing could make that possible. He had this life, or he had death. There were no other options.
“Come on.” Grace prodded softly. “We have more to see this year before we can move on. I promise though, it won’t be as depressing.”
“Again, do I get a damn choice?”
She shook her head.
“Then lead the way.”
