Project: nkotBSB

By Dottie

Copyright 2013

Chapter 49

Jessi

I have no idea where Hanna Jo disappeared to after Nick showed up.  I can’t stop staring at him.  I’m mortified that he heard what I said, but more than that, I’m heartbroken that I’ve hurt him so. 

I finally lower my eyes, unable to look at him any longer.  I hear him move closer and I close my eyes as he kneels in front of me.  “Look at me, Jessi.”  I shake my head, tears leaking from my eyes.  He takes my hands and whispers, “Come on, look at me.”  When I do, he whispers, “Jessi, I’m not mad.”

I’m looking into his eyes and I know he’s telling the truth.  “I don’t understand.”

He smiles.  “Jessi, you’re a woman.  And, even though it pains me to admit it, Wahlberg is not a bad looking man and many women are attracted to him.”

I sniffle. “But…but…”

He laughs, “Sweetheart, I don’t expect you to not be attracted to other men.  Just because you think he’s hot doesn’t mean you’re gonna jump in bed with him.  I know that.  Are you jealous of me because I think Christina Ricci is hot?”

I almost giggle.  I completely forgot how he used to moon over her.  I smile a little and wipe my face.  “Well, no.  But she’s not here trying to get you in bed.”

His lips tighten and he whispers, “Is Wahlberg trying to get you in bed?”

I shake my head quickly.  “NO!  NO!  He just…he keeps saying he wants to talk.  Just talk.  But…I don’t know, I feel like there’s more to it and…”

He smiles.  “Listen, Jessi, part of a relationship is trust.  I trust you.  I trust you to be honest with me and tell me if you want to see other men.  I’ll be perfectly honest, I won’t like it. But after what you’ve been through, I’m not going to tell you what to do.  You make the choice.  I want us to date. I want you to be my girlfriend.  It’s up to you if you want to.”

I stare at him.  “Nick…”

He smiles. “Come on, it’s almost show time.  Come watch and then after, we’ll talk?  OK?”

I nod, leaning closer to him.  I kiss him gently before whispering, “You’re too good to me, Nick.”

He chuckles and kisses my forehead.  “Sweetheart, you’re too good FOR me.  I’m not going to push you into something you don’t want.”  He stands and pulls me to my feet and into his arms.  “I care more about you than any woman I’ve ever known.”

I lay my head on his chest and whisper, “I feel the same way about you.”

He kisses my head. “Come on, let’s go.  After the show, we’ll talk.”

I lean back and look at him.  “You’re really not mad at me? Because of Donnie?”

He smiles. “You’re here with me, Jessi. That’s all I can ask for now.”

The show seemed different.  Better than I’d ever seen it.  Hanna Jo watched with me but we didn’t talk.  She seemed distracted by AJ and thoroughly mortified about what happened with Donnie. I tried once to ask her how she was, but she just shrugged.  I managed to hug her after it was over. She whispered in my ear she was going to try to make it work with AJ. I’m so happy for her.  I hope they can make it because for the first time, I see Hanna Jo wanting to fight for something important to her.  And believe me, AJ is important to her.

When I get back to Nick’s bus, I sit patiently.  I grab my phone to play a game and I see I have missed texts and a call.  From Donnie.  I listen to his message fearfully.  “Jess, I know you and Nick are trying to work things out.  He told me point blank to step back and not push. It’s your decision to make.  And he’s right.  But fair is fair.  You’re attracted to me and you know I’m attracted to you.  I’m not like Paul. He’s a sleazy little man and I’m ashamed to call him family.  I’m sorry for what he did to you, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am hooked on you.  Pick a day.  One day and spend it with me.  Tell Carter, I don’t care.  But I want one day to prove to you I AM a good guy.  And I CAN make you feel things you’ve never felt before. Please.”

The missed text messages from him aren’t messages.  Its pictures he took between sets from the show.  When he was changing clothes.  Oh, I know he tweeted some of them because a few he took on stage….but some were for my eyes only.  Pictures of him sweaty, half dressed, with a hard on.  I said it before, he has a great body.  And when I was in his dressing room with Hanna Jo, I admit I was tempted.  But this doesn’t tempt me.  He says he won’t push, yet he does this?

I delete the pictures and the message before tossing my phone aside.  After a few minutes, I pick it up and text Nick.  “You almost done?”

He answers after a few minutes.  “Heading out. You ok?”

I sigh.  “Yeah, just lonely. It’s too quiet.”

His response is faster.  “I’m on my way.” His text is followed by a picture.  He’s making a face at a mirror, his hair still wet from his shower.  I have to laugh, he so funny.  He’s also hot, the way his snug jeans hug his hips.  His t-shirt sticking to his damp chest.  Even though he’s not trying to be sexual and flirty, this picture just makes me HOT.

As I’m waiting, I hear a commotion outside the bus.  I look out to see Donnie horsing around with some of the guys before heading for Nick’s bus.  FUCK!  I’m still alone and I don’t want to see him.  I duck down and listen, hoping he’ll just go away.

I hear him outside the bus.  I can smell the cigarette smoke as he walks under the window.  Then his phone rings.  I bite my lip, praying he’ll answer it.  Instead, I hear the door open and I move fast, heading into the bedroom and shutting the door quickly, locking it.  I bite my lip.  DAMMIT!  I left my phone behind. 

Before I can figure out what to do, I hear Donnie.  “Jess, where are you?”

I don’t answer. I just wait.  Then I breathe a huge sigh of relief.  Nick.  “What are you doing here, Donnie?”

I can almost see Donnie smirk. “Just came to check on Hanna Jo.  She was pretty wasted before.”

I can almost feel Nick through the door. I know he’s leaning on it.  “Hanna Jo is with AJ.” I sigh quietly. “Donnie, you said you’d leave her alone and let her recover from whatever sick and twisted shit your brother tried. Do you think looking at you is going to help her move on?”

I cringe.  I don’t see Paul when I look at Donnie. I wish I did.  It would make this strange attraction go away.  I’m shocked when I hear Donnie say, “I told you, I was checking up on Hanna Jo.  Do you think I WANT Jessi to remember my brother almost raped her?”

I close my eyes and almost groan. I hadn’t given Nick details. Imagine my shock when I hear him say, “Donnie, look, I know you stopped him from hurting her, and I’m grateful.  Really. Hanna Jo told AJ what happened and AJ told me.  Truth be told, if I had been there, you’d be burying your brother right now. I told you, I’m not pushing Jessi and dammit neither are you! IF she wants to talk to you, she’ll call you. Now, get off my bus and let her have a little peace and quiet to move past all this.”

I listen as Donnie jumps off the bus.  I open the door quietly and meet Nick’s gaze.  “Thanks.”

He smiles. “I figured if you wanted to talk to him you wouldn’t be hiding.”

I blush.  “I don’t mind talking to him, but I don’t want to be alone with him. It makes me feel…trapped.”

Concern lights his face. “Is that how I make you feel, Jessi?”

I reach out and take his hand. “No.  No, with you I feel completely safe. I just…I know it’s not fair to Donnie, but after dealing with Paul, he makes me…uncomfortable.”

Nick nods, squeezing my hand. “But you’re still attracted to him?”

I lower my eyes and shrug.  “It makes no sense.”

He tugs me into his arms. “Donnie never hurt you, Jessi.  And deep down, I don’t think he would. Neither do you.  He’s an old crush you’re not over.”

I breathe in deep, smelling the earthy essence of him.  “Nick, what if the next day off I spend a couple of hours with him?  Talking. Maybe a lunch.”

He squeezes me and rubs my back. “If you want to, sure.  But don’t do it if you’re not ready. I can keep him off your back.”

I lean back and look up at him.  “I know you can.  But I think the sooner I figure this out, the better.  It’s not fair to you…”

He lifts his hand and covers my lips with his fingertips.  “Shh.  Don’t worry about me.  I know you care about me and I damn sure know I mean more to you than Donnie.  Give him his chance then tell him no.  Then we can talk about us, ok?”

I nod and hold him tightly as he moves his fingers and kisses me gently.  I melt into his arms, but in the back of my mind I can’t help but wonder if I really will be able to tell Donnie no.