Project: nkotBSB

By Dottie

Copyright 2014

Chapter 87

Jessi

I dive under a wave, holding my breath and doing my best not to panic.  Why didn’t I think of it before now?  Yeah, he says he loves me, but suddenly I feel like it’s all just words.  He’s so willing to keep our lives private…keep me shielded from his fans…the press…some part of me always thought he’d be ashamed, but I guess he had me convinced nothing mattered but us.  Kind of a rude awakening to realize it’s just as I thought all along…he’s ashamed of me.

I surface and take a deep breath, thankful that the sea water masks the tears in my eyes.  I spare a glance over my shoulder to find Nick hasn’t moved from the lounger. Looks like he’s on the phone.  Great.  Deciding to ignore him, I swim until I’m exhausted.  When I can’t make my arms move anymore, I wade out of the surf, his shirt clinging to me, and walk up the beach to my lounger.

When I get there, he mutters, “She’s right here.  Hold on.”  Lowering the phone, he says, “Hanna Jo wants to talk to you.”

Knowing there’s no way I can make polite conversation, I mutter, “Tell her I’ll call after I shower.”

I wrap my towel around my shoulders and turn to walk away.  I hear him stand up.  “Want some company?”

Feeling hurt and angry, I mutter, “Yes, but not yours.”

I walk up the path, quickening my pace when I hear him scrambling to follow me.  “Hanna Jo, she’ll call you later. I gotta go, she’s got some kind of bug up her ass.”

Some kind of bug?  By the time I hit the house, I’m almost at a dead run.  I make it to the bathroom and slam the door, locking it before he can burst in behind me.  He pounds on the door. “Jessi, open this door right now and explain that comment to me!”

Raising my voice and letting the hurt pour out of me, I scream, “Go fuck yourself!”

I turn on the shower, turning the shower radio on and cranking the volume way up.  I have no idea what song is playing, I don’t even hear it.  I just need the noise to drown out his pounding.

I strip off the shirt and drop it on the floor.  I can’t believe I was so stupid.  I step under the scalding spray, jumping back and yelping as I quickly adjust the temperature.  Once I can stand it, I slip back under it fully, closing my eyes and letting my tears fall in earnest.  I can’t believe I was so fucking stupid.  I would have been better off with Donnie. At least he was honest with the fact that he only wanted to fuck me. No emotional attachment is better than Nick lying to my face.

I grab a loofa and my shower gel and begin to scrub my body. Suddenly, I feel dirty.  And not from the salty sea.  I lather myself quickly, from head to toe, wondering if it’s possible for me to ever feel clean again.  I bend over to do my legs and almost fall when the door crashes open and I hear Nick yell, “Turn the fucking music off and talk to me Jessi!”

I scream back, “Get the fuck out of here! There’s nothing else to say!”

The shower door slams open, the glass breaking and flying everywhere. He turns off the music and glares at me. “What do you mean there’s nothing to say? What the fuck is wrong with you?”

I turn my back to him.  A big mistake.  My foot comes down on a pile of the shattered glass from the door and several pieces become embedded in my foot.  I gasp, lifting my foot and propping myself against the wall.  I feel Nick’s hands on my waist and I jerk away. “Don’t you dare touch me! Get the fuck away from me!”

He grips me firmly and mutters, “Don’t be stupid, you’re hurt.”

I struggle to get away and whisper darkly, “I’d rather bleed to death than have you touch me.  GO AWAY!”

His hands drop from my sides and he whispers in an agonized voice, “Jessi what is wrong with you? Why are you so mad at me?”

I whirl around, forgetting my injured foot and mutter, “You seriously want to know why? Really?  After you LIED to me?  How dare you!”

He shakes his head. “When did I lie? What did I say that was a lie?”

I’m literally shaking from head to toe.  “Are you for real? You said you love me!”

His face pales. “I DO love you Jessi. Why do you think I don’t?”

I close my eyes again, tears once again falling freely.  This time it’s tears of sorrow.  The sadness almost overwhelms me.  I whisper hoarsely, “It’s painfully obvious you don’t want to be seen in public with me Nick. Even on a remote beach where the odds of us being seen are about a billion to one.”  Taking a shaky breath, I mutter, “Please, just go away. I’ll be gone by tonight.”

He grabs my waist to spin me around and lifts me off my feet.  “Jessi, you stupid fool!”  I yelp as he pulls me against his chest, wrapping his arm firmly around my waist.  He stares into my eyes and whispers, “Jessi, I have never been ashamed to be seen in public with you and I never will.  Baby, I love you more than anything. You’re every dream I’ve ever had come true.”

I close my eyes and whisper, “Please stop!”

He squeezes me tighter. “No! I won’t. Not until you believe me.  Jessi, you’re everything to me.  Don’t you know that?”

I open my eyes, pain radiating from every part of me.  “Then why? It was your idea…”

He presses his forehead to mine.  “It has nothing to do with being seen in public with you and at the same time, it has everything to do with it.  Jessi, the paparazzi know I’m in Hawaii.  It’s only a matter of time until they find us.  And I might not see them before they get a shot of us…As much as I want to make love to you in the ocean, I won’t take a chance that our private moments will end up on the internet for all the world to see. You deserve better than that.”

I feel shame that I lost my faith in him.  I wrap my arms around his neck and cry into his neck. He kisses my shoulder and whispers softly, “I love you for wanting to…Baby I want that more than anything with you…but I won’t take the chance of them getting pictures of our private moments.  Especially pictures that Donnie could use against us…against you.”

My sobs grow stronger and my body shakes.  Why don’t I think of things like this? He holds me tightly as I let go of the anger and hurt I was feeling.  When my tears begin to dry up I mutter “I’m so sorry.”

He presses his head against mine.  “For what? Being human?  There’s nothing to be sorry for. At least not on your end. Me on the other hand…Jessi, I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

I lean back, letting my eyes meet his.  “You didn’t hurt me. I let my imagination get the best of me.” 

He turns and sits me on the vanity, kneeling to look at my foot.  “This was all my fault.  Baby, I’m so sorry.  There’s glass in your foot.  I’m going to have to find a doctor to get it out.”

I grab his shirt and pull him back to a standing position.  When he faces me, I whisper softly, “I love you.  I’m sorry for the way I acted.”

He kisses me gently, his hands resting lightly on my hips.  “I love you too, Jessi.  You have to trust in that Baby.  I love you.”