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** BRIAN **

The elevator doors slid closed and Ashley crushed her finger against the button for the seventh floor. I leaned back against the wall of the car and blinked rapidly in an attempt to sober up. Nick had looked upset. Maybe I should have waited for him. I stole a quick glance at the security guard who was standing stoically in the corner and staring straight ahead. Surely he would have told me if Nick were really in some sort of trouble.

“Thanks for tonight.” Ashley interrupted my thoughts. “I feel a lot better.”

“You only feel better because you’re drunk.” I laughed as Ashley swayed unsteadily on her feet.

I grabbed her around the wrists, pulling her towards me. She stumbled forward, pressing her palms against my chest to steady herself. She laughed again as she leaned into me.

“I’m not that drunk.”

Ashley’s breath warmed my neck as she spoke, and I quickly dropped my hands to her waist. I was confused. I had definitely had too much to drink, and my brain was struggling to process what was happening. Ashley’s lips were dangerously close to my ear and the sensation of her teeth grazing my earlobe made me shudder in anticipation.

“What are we going to do now, Brian?”

Oh God. What were we going to do now? The elevator dinged to indicate that it had reached the seventh floor and the door slid open. The security guard stepped out first and waited for us to exit. To his credit, the burly man said nothing as the two of us tripped out into the hallway. I still had one arm looped around Ashley’s waist, and I gently began to guide her down the hall towards her room and away from the one that I was sharing with Nick.

My mind was working overtime as the two of us walked in silence; leaning against each other for support. What was I doing? I was married. I had a son. I knew that cheating was a sin. Hell, the very fact that I was clinging to a highly intoxicated woman who wasn’t my wife was probably a sin. I knew that I needed to do the right thing; walk Ashley to her room, say goodnight, down a bottle of water, pop some Advil, and go to sleep. Still, a part of me didn’t want to do the right thing. My heart was pounding at the idea of what could happen if I didn’t leave Ashley alone at her door.

“Wait.” Ashley forced me to stop. She squinted at the room number on the nearest door. “This is me.”

“Oh.” I dropped my arm from her waist and took a tentative step towards her. “G’night then.”

“Listen, Brian, I really did have a good time.” Ashley looked me right in the eyes. “But, you’re right; we did both have a lot to drink. I’m sorry if I did something ... if you’re maybe going to regret something later.”

“I haven’t done anything to regret...” I took another step closer. My mind was slowly being overpowered by my body. All I could think about was how good Ashley looked in her jeans. “...yet.”

What if I died tomorrow? What if I died without fully admitting to myself what I had known for a long time; that I was lonely, that something in my life was missing. What if I prevented myself from acting on my last chance to be with someone other than a woman who hadn’t been giving me everything that I needed for longer than I would ever be brave enough to acknowledge?

Ashley was pretty. I had thought so since the moment that I had laid eyes on her. The way that she was looking at me, the fact that she had been brave enough to look me dead in the eyes was propelling me forward.

I wanted her.

The thought came crashing through my alcohol infused brain, and the idea scared me more than the prospect of being stabbed to death.

“We should go to bed.” Ashley kept her eyes locked on my face.

“Yeah, we should.” I grinned and stepped forward again, effectively silencing my brain. I had made up my mind.

“I – We – I’m pretty drunk.” Ashley bit her bottom lip and looked up at me from under her long eyelashes.

I pressed my own lips together to keep from groaning. It was all I could do not to slam her up against the wall. “Do you want me to go?”

Ashley bit her lip again and placed her palms on my chest for the second time that evening. “No.” She slowly began to move her hands up my chest and around the back of my neck. “I don’t want you to go.”

She could obviously feel how much I wanted her as I grabbed her by the hips and held her against me. Her fingers wound their way through the hair at the base of my neck as I lightly brushed my lips against hers. To her credit, she didn’t take control; waiting, instead, for me to deepen the kiss on my own.

My heart was thudding against the confines of my chest as I allowed myself to kiss her properly. I couldn’t get close enough. I couldn’t kiss her hard enough. Ashley moaned softly against my mouth, and I thought that I would explode. I needed this. I needed her. I didn’t even care if I had to take her right there in the hallway.

“Brian! Shit!”

Nick’s voice was like a kick in the balls. Ashley pushed herself away from me, leaving me gasping and aching in anticipation.

“Brian, I’m sorry, man!” Nick was rambling. “I should never have left ... I should have said something ...”

“Nick, what the fuck?” I watched as Nick ran his hand through his hair, grabbing at the longest strands in frustration. “What do you want? What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Nick looked at me as if I had lost my mind. “You just – You just kissed Ashley!”

“I’m just gonna go ... go inside and let the two of you work this out.” Ashley tugged anxiously at the bottom of her shirt and quickly ran her fingers through her tangled hair. She pulled her room card out of her back pocket and began backing slowly towards the door. “I’m sorry. I’m just really sorry.”

“What? No! Wait!” I turned away from Nick and focused my full attention on Ashley. I didn’t want her to leave. I desperately wanted to finish what I had started. I needed to finish what I had started. “Nick was just leaving.”

“I’m not leaving without you.” Nick folded his arms across his chest. “I can cock-block you all night, baby.”

I wanted to punch Nick in the face. If I could have focused my eyes properly, I probably would have. Instead, I just stood there glowering at his three revolving heads.

“G’night.” Ashley made her escape, slipping her room card into the slot on the door. “I’ll see you in the morning ... if y’all don’t hate me completely by then.”

“Brian, again, I’m so sorry!” Nick started blathering the moment that Ashley closed the door. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I saw what was happening. I mean, I knew what you were thinking ...”

I continued to stare at Nick in silence. The affects of the alcohol were beginning to wear off and, very slowly, the anger that had been simmering just beneath the surface was starting to be replaced by a heart-wrenching feeling of guilt. Still a bit unsteady on my feet, I pushed past Nick and began to make my way down the hallway towards our room.

Dear God, what had I done?

“Brian? Bri, I know that you’re pissed.” Nick trailed after me as I stumbled inside the room. He allowed the door to slam shut behind him as he placed his hand on my shoulder and turned me around to face him. “Frick, I’m sorry. Don’t hate me, okay?”

The use of my old nickname was the last little push that I needed to fall over the edge. My buzz was completely gone; replaced by a cold, hard ball of dread that had settled itself in the pit of my stomach. I had committed the worst sin of all; I had cheated on my wife. I was a cheater.

“Oh, God ...” I could feel myself crumpling as my voice broke. Nick’s face was already becoming blurry with tears. “I fucked up, Nick. I really, really fucked up.”

“It’s alright.” Nick’s arms were around me within seconds. “It’s not that bad.”

“It’s so bad!” I buried my face in Nick’s shirt, allowing the guilt to consume me.

What had I been thinking? I was a horrible person. I should have been able to control myself. I had been avoiding the temptation for years. Why had tonight suddenly been different?

I was literally clinging to Nick now; sobbing into his shoulder like a baby. Nick tightened his grip, staying silent as my tears soaked into the fabric of his shirt. I wasn’t sure if his silence was due to the fact that he didn’t know what to say or if it was because he knew that nothing he could say would make me feel better. Either way, I didn’t care. At that moment, Nick was all that I had and all that I needed.

Things were even worse in the morning. I woke up to the weight of Nick’s arm on my chest and to the gentle sound of his snoring. At some point, he must have forced me to lie down, but I couldn’t clearly remember anything past the point at which I had started blubbering like a baby. Obviously, I must have eventually passed out and Nick had clearly stayed with me the entire time.

“Nick.” I gently nudged him awake and looked at the clock. “It’s almost noon.”

“No wakey.” Nick mumbled without opening his eyes. He wiggled his head deeper into the pillow and sighed. “Did we sleep together?”

His question immediately made me think of Ashley. I let out a low groan, trying to force myself not to think about the night before. Of course, my efforts were futile. I could still taste her. I could still remember how good her body had felt pressed against mine.

“My head hurts.” Nick continued to speak without opening his eyes. “Why the fuck did we drink so much?”

“Because we’re idiots.” I began lightly massaging my temples. My own head was throbbing. “Thanks for ... you know.”

Nick finally cracked open his eyes, blinking against the brightness that was spilling into the room through the partially open curtains. “You don’t gotta say ‘thanks’.”

“What am I gonna do, Nick?” I focused my eyes on the ceiling in an effort to ignore the pain in my head. “Last night, I did the one thing that I swore that I would never, ever do.”

“It was only a kiss.” Nick rolled over so that he, too, was staring at the ceiling. “It’s not like you fucked her or anything. You were drunk, Ashley was drunk ... just forget that it even happened. I’m the only other person who knows and I have no intention of ever telling anyone else.”

“I wanted to.” I practically choked on the words. Admitting my feelings to Nick would make them real, and I wasn’t entirely sure if I was ready.

“You wanted to what?” Nick asked. “Fuck her?”

“Yeah.” I swallowed hard. “I kinda still do.”

“Jesus, Brian ...” Nick trailed off and rubbed at his eyes. “You had a lot to drink last night. We all had a lot to drink. This wasn’t the first time that you’ve done something stupid while you were drunk and it probably won’t be your last. I don’t know where all of this is coming from, but ...”

“What if I die?” I cut Nick off and forced myself to sit up. “What if I die without getting the chance to say what I need to say?”

“What do you need to say?” Nick turned so that he was facing me. “You can tell me. Will that make you feel better? I mean, it’s not like you’re gonna die or anything, but you can tell me. You can tell me anything.”

“Someone is trying to kill us, Nick. I could step out on that stage tomorrow night for the last time. I’m going to get stabbed, remember? I just don’t want to go out wondering about what could have been.” I pushed myself to keep going. The tears were threatening to fall once again. “I’ve spent so long trying to convince everyone that I’m happy and that I’m living the perfect life that I’ve actually forgotten to live my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love Leighanne and Baylee, but lately I’ve been feeling like something is missing. The passion just isn’t there anymore, you know what I mean? I look at you and Lauren and I want what you guys have. I want to want my wife. I shouldn’t be thinking about other women and I didn’t for the longest time, but now I am. The temptation has always been there for all of us, and I’m finding it harder and harder to ignore. So often now I find myself looking at some of the women at sound check and wondering what it would be like to be with them.”

“Of course you’re tempted ...” Nick paused; I could tell that he was struggling to figure out what he wanted to say. “Last night you were – I’ve never seen you cry that hard. I don’t think that you really want to do what it is that you think you want to do.”

“I don’t want to sleep with anyone else while I’m still married.” I acknowledged, forcing myself to sit up. “I broke my vows last night ...”

“It was only a kiss, Bri.” Nick reiterated his earlier argument. “It’s really not that disastrous.”

“The point is that I’m not happy.” I rushed to get the words out. “Knowing that I have a good chance of dying has forced me to realize – to accept – that.”

“So, what is it that you want? A divorce?”

Hearing Nick say the word ‘divorce’ made me want to be sick. Is that what I wanted? Did I really want to say goodbye to Leighanne forever? She was a good woman. I was comfortable with her. Of course, maybe that was the problem. Maybe the two of us had become too comfortable; we had lost the spark that made things interesting.

“I don’t know ... maybe.”

“Jesus, Brian.” Nick also pulled himself up into a sitting position and stared into my face. “I didn’t know that you were so unhappy. I knew that you guys had been fighting a bit ...”

“I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want anyone to know.” I absently ran my fingers along the wrinkles that had settled in my shirt. “I’m supposed to have a perfect life, remember? I’m supposed to be perfect; a good Christian boy.”

“You put that pressure on yourself. Nobody ever expected you to be perfect, Frick. For some reason you just decided that you had to portray yourself as this God-fearing, son-of-a-bitch who never did anything wrong.” Nick paused to study my face. “To tell you the truth, everyone would probably like you a lot more if you stopped acting as if your shit don’t stink. If you’re worried about the fans and the media, then you ought to know by now that everyone out there already knows that you drink, that you cuss, that your eyes wander whenever the wife ain’t lookin’ ...” Nick paused again and took a deep breath. “I like you better knowing that you have your faults. It makes you more like me.”

I was crying again; the tears were hot and fresh as they rolled down my cheeks and dropped onto my crumpled jeans. I had missed Nick. Maybe if I hadn’t been so stupid, if I hadn’t pushed him away, my life would have turned out differently. Maybe I wouldn’t have ended up so confused and miserable if he had been by my side.

“Shit, Brian, don’t cry.” Nick pulled me into a tight hug. “I know that you don’t wanna hear that you’re anything like me.”

“I missed you so much!” There I was sounding like a baby again. “You have no idea ...”

“I know.” Nick cut me off. “I missed you, too.”