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By the time I got AJ on the phone, I had nearly given up. Howie and me both had been trying to contact them for hours, not getting any response and we had slowly moved from anger and frustration to unforgiving worry and fear. One person not picking up their phone could happen, but three? Jen had eventually been forced to cancel the entire schedule of the day, which I had initially been very pissed about, but until I knew exactly what was going on, I decided to push my worries about our schedule aside.

“AJ?” I barked into the phone, seeing Howie’s head across the room perk up immediately and decided to put my phone on speaker. Both Howie and Jen were next to me in an instant, intently waiting for AJ’s reply.

“Nick?” AJ sounded soft, strange, I would later say.

“Where the hell are you guys?” I demanded, “We’ve been waiting here for hours!”

AJ’s voice was strangled and upset, but I could hear his words clear as a bell, “Something’s happened; you… better sit down for this.”

My eyes flew to Howie’s and Jen’s, whose shocked and fearful expression I was sure mirrored my own. I stumbled backwards into the couch. I’d been here the whole morning, contemplating whether I should just leave or not, because after two hours, it became rather clear that we would not get to do our job today. Now, I couldn’t move a muscle. Howie cleared his throat, “What’s going on, Alex?” he asked soft and calmly.

And then it all went wrong.

“We’re at the hospital,” AJ choked out and I felt my heart drop. Even though by now, I’d expected something serious to be going on, it felt terrifying to have it confirmed. All of me wanted AJ to say that he had stubbed his toe or something, something weird, something funny. Something we’d all laugh about two days later.

“Yes?” Howie gently encouraged, when he noticed that I had not the power to form any words or sounds.

“Brian’s… he…” AJ sighed, and I thought I could vaguely hear Kevin say something on the other line, but I didn’t understand, “Brian overdosed on neuro-blockers this morning,” AJ finally rushed out, “It’s not looking good.”

His revelation was like a stab in the gut. I couldn’t believe what he said, even though I had clearly heard him. I gave a short, incredulous laugh. This was not a subject to joke with, this was not funny. “It’s not funny, Alex,” I let him know through clenched teeth.

“It’s not a joke, Nick,” AJ said softly.

“No!” I grumbled, shrugging off Jen’s hand that had somehow found its way onto my shoulder, “You don’t have to do that to me,” I told her, “I just want him to stop lying!”

“Nick, for fuck’s sake,” AJ’s voice broke, and I heard the tears lacing through. Still, I would not believe him. I shook my head wildly, backing away from the phone.

“It’s not funny, Alex!” I yelled, the words getting stuck somewhere halfway through my throat. “Now, y’all get over here and do your job!”

“Nick,” Howie spoke as quietly as he’d done since I picked up the phone, “Nick, you gotta listen to me.” I kept shaking my head, not understanding why he was so easily convinced. Cause if there was even the tiniest possibility of AJ making this all up, I was gonna hold on to that with all I had.

It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. There simply was no possible scenario in which this could be true. Surely Howie understood that as well, right? Apparently he didn’t, because he took the phone, pulled it off speaker and continued the conversation with AJ softly. I just sat there, staring ahead in pure disbelief, feeling but ignoring Jen’s pitiful gaze upon me. I felt completely frozen, even when we were on our way to the hospital. I was only vaguely aware of Howie’s arm around my shoulder; didn’t hear the soft, calming words he spoke to me. I stared at the rain that was crashing against the car’s windows, still in utter ignorance.

Because I knew drugs. I knew the destruction they could, and would cause. I had seen it in AJ, in my sister, my brother, even in myself. I knew the signs, the symptoms, the way it could all go wrong. Because I had seen it all before.

I would have known.

And Brian was one of the most careful and collected people I’d ever met. He wouldn’t ever…

The panicked sobs that escaped my throat were loud and uncontrollable. Howie’s arm around my shoulders tightened reassuringly as I let my head fall against the window and closed my eyes tightly.

“Where is he?” I screamed. I actually screamed into the quiet hallway when we arrived. Kevin jumped up and laid a hand on my shoulder to calm me down.

“Nick, sit down.”

“No! I don’t wanna sit down!” I yelled, immediately realizing how childish it sounded, “Just someone tell me where he is!”

“Show some respect, and sit down,” Kevin repeated, a bit more agitated now. I could see he was freaking out as well, but did a damn good job trying to hide it.

“How about you respect me and let me stand up,” I argued, the conversation suddenly awfully familiar in my ears.

“Fine, I respect you, stand up then,” Kevin bitterly replied. I promptly sat down, feeling the tears stream over my face. Burying my face in my hands I mumbled an apology.

“It’s fine,” Kevin said, but I heard the strain behind his words. He was pushed to his limits. So was I. I wanted to call my wife so badly, but at the same time, I had no idea what to tell her. How would I ever start to explain this.

“It’s been hours though,” Howie began calmly. “They must have told you something.”

AJ just shrugged, “I don’t even know,” he mumbled.

Silence continued for what seemed like ages. I was the first to jump up when a doctor entered the waiting room, again demanding to know where Brian was.

The doctor made a calming gesture with his hands, “If you will sit down, I will try to explain,” he said slowly. I sat back down under Kevin’s glare, seeing the strained, expectant faces around before I looked back at the doctor. The doctor’s face relented into a frown. He sighed deeply before speaking, “It’s not good news.”