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The Best at Breaking


Thursday evening, Remus was sitting in the little cot in the observatory room with the Charkorais chicks. They had taken to him quite a lot and enjoyed napping, nestled into the folds of the jumper, right on his chest. So Remus had begun a habit of laying in the room with them pecking at a loose thread in the neckline of the sweater, reading or drawing for hours on end. Newt and Tina Scamander had managed to capture the mummy Charkorais bird during the full moon, but seeing as she wasn’t used to captivity, the poor thing needed to be quarantined so that she didn’t hurt the chicks as she angrily barrelled about the room, and was only allowed time with them during feeding times. As the chicks got older, Remus noticed they were becoming more and more transparent until sometimes they seemed to blend right in with his jumper and he would feel the need to reach up and stroke their little heads just to make sure they were still there - especially the quiet one.

He’d named them Burt and Ernie.

“Remusss…”

He turned and saw Sirius’s face peering up at him from the mirror by his side in the blankets on the mattress and he picked it up so he could see Sirius, “Hey,” he said, smiling.

Sirius looked very, very happy, his face flush with excitement. “Rey, did you hear?”

“Hear what?” he asked.

“About Druella Black!” Sirius said.

Remus shook his head. “What about her?” he asked, a shiver running through his spine at the very thought of her.

“They did it! They finished her off!” Sirius’s voice was rife with joy.

Remus’s eyebrows stitched tight. “What? Who’s done away with her? I thought the Ministry had captured her? Did she escape?” He realized it had been some time since he’d received an update on the situation - last he’d heard was that Sirius and the other Order members were going to go hand out posters at the Ministry the day of the trial. He hadn’t even heard the results of the trial. He nudged himself upright as much as he could without disturbing the Charkorais chicks much, carefully sliding them so they were in his lap without waking them up.

“No, Rey, the Ministry sentenced her to the Dementor’s Kiss - they’ve performed it this morning and that’s it! She’s gone! They’ve carted what’s left of her off to Azkaban, as though it really matters if they lock her up for not now, in her state now that the Dementor’s kissed her.” Sirius sounded like he was telling Remus brilliant news, but Remus’s stomach sank straight to his toes and he felt as though he might just cry. “Come now, Moonkins, what’s the matter? Tell me those are tears of joy you’re fighting back over there!”

Remus stared into the mirror, into Sirius’s face. “Don’t you get it? It’s the same whether it’s us or them that’s killed somebody. We’re just as bad as the Death Eaters are for it - it’s still wrong, even if it is Druella Black that’s dead.”

“Mooooooony,” drawled Sirius, shaking his head, “It isn’t the same at all! It’s very different, really. She deserved death for all the wrong she’s done - all the people she’s hurt and killed! Now she can’t do it anymore. She’s finished.”

Remus felt conflicted.

Sirius frowned, clearly not approving Remus’s hesitation. “And here I thought you’d be over the moon, happy.”

“Happy?” Remus looked stunned, “Because somebody’s dead?”

“Yeah, like I said, it isn’t just any somebody - it’s Druella Black - you know, the one that stole you away, twice, and tried to kill you and all… Lady friend to your sworn enemy, Fenrir Greyback --”

“Greyback’s not my sworn enemy, I just don’t like him is all,” Remus said, but Sirius was gong on without hearing him…

“-- you know that bastard’s feeling it about now! Perhaps he’ll be bloody sorry for all the shit he’s pulled now that he knows what it’s like to lose somebody!”

Remus flinched.

“Don’t tell me he doesn’t deserve it, Moons.”

Remus took a deep breath, “It’s not… not that… it’s just… I can’t help but imagine how I would feel if it was them celebrating and being happy because it was you that had been taken from me… How I’d feel if it was you that was whisked away to Azkaban, dragged away to suffer the Dementor’s Kiss…” Remus closed his eyes, feeling the pain wash over him.

“Remy, that’s not what’s happening. That’ll never happen because I’m not evil like Druella is - was - whatever,” Sirius said, “And it’s not even close to the same thing.”

“It is,” Remus persisted.

“It’s not Rey!” Sirius argued passionately, “He deserves the pain he gets after all the people he’s torn apart and the lives he’s ruined. Just look at all the families he’s stolen mums and dads and children from, all the people whose blood him and Druella Black have spilt. I’d think that you, of all people, would understand that.”

“Me of all people?”

“Yeah, seeing as he’s the one that turned you, made you what you are,” Sirius said, “The one who made you a monster.”

Silence fell between them - a very, very thick silence, the sort of silence that stopped the heart, that made the blood rush between your ears so hard that you could nearly hear it. Remus felt as though he’d been slapped across the face and he stared at Sirius in surprise. If he hadn’t seen his mouth moving, he wouldn’t have believed it was Sirius that had said it at all.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Sirius said quickly, realizing what he’d said and why Remus Lupin was staring at him as though he’d just violently kicked him in the guts. “You know I don’t think you’re a monster. Don’t look at me like that, Moony, please. I didn’t mean that.”

Remus shook his head, “Yeah. No. I know. I - I gotta -- I gotta go --”

“Rey, don’t, please - wait,” Sirius pleased.

“It’s really busy here, the birds need feeding and --” Remus realized he didn’t really need an excuse. “And I’m angry with you so I need to have some time in private so I can sort out my feelings and I’ll talk to you when I can do it without feeling as though you’ve cut me.” He quickly put the mirror down.

His throat felt very, very tight and he tried to remember how to breathe. There seemed to be a hole somewhere in the left side of his chest, where his heart usually beat.

Broken, he thought. It’s broken.

Sirius broke my heart.

He closed his eyes.

“Remus!!” Sirius was calling him from the mirror, even though the glass was face-down. “Remus, please talk to me. Moony, please! Come back!”

But Remus couldn’t quite bring himself to do it. He clutched the nearly invisible birds to him and curled forward around them, taking deep, shaking breaths.




Sirius ran into James’s room, clutching the mirror. “James. Fix my Moony.” He grabbed hold on James’s shoulder, shaking him roughly, “Wake up, Prongs. You need to fix what I broke... Wake the fuck up.”

James groaned, “Go away.”

“No… James, please. I can’t go away. I need you to fix it. He won’t talk to me. Please.” Sirius shoved the mirror into James’s face. “MOONY -- PRONGS IS HERE -- TALK TO PRONGS MOONY!”

James squinted up at it but the mirror was dark, “What in bloody hell is the matter with you?” James struggled to roll over and sit up, feeling for his glasses on the nightstand - they were still the wireframe ones as they hadn’t yet had time to go and get new ones, with everything going on with Charlus and all. He shoved them onto his face.

Sirius was right panicked. “I called Moony a Monster and I didn’t mean it but he’s not letting me take it back and I want to take it back. He looked so bloody broken, James, his eyes -- his eyes were awful. They went instantly green as Evans’s! I can’t stand it even one more second. I have to take it back. James --” he shoved the mirror at his mate again, “Fix my Moony.”

James sighed and he took the mirror. “Oi, Remus, it’s me… You hear me at all? Sirius is being a git.”

There wasn’t any reaction.

James looked up at Sirius, “He probably left the room the mirror’s in, mate.”

Sirius flung himself to his feet from the bed and started pacing - back and forth and back and forth, wringing his hands, “I always fuck everything up, every bloody thing…”

“Stop it, you don’t always fuck everything up, sit down.”

“No I can’t sit down. Remus is the first person that’s ever loved me, I can’t sit down. I need him to listen to me, I need him to hear me…” Sirius’s eyes were flashing with panic. “James, I can’t.”

James sighed, then channeled his inner Dora. “Remus John Lupin -- if you can hear me, you bloody pick this mirror up or - or I’ll -- I dunno what I’ll do, but it’ll be really ripe.” Still no response. James looked up at Sirius, frustrated. “Please just sit down, he’ll come back when he’s ready to, and then you can say sorry.

“No. James - you don’t understand. That was literally the worst thing I could’ve ever said to him. It was the worst thing.” Sirius stopped his pacing and stared at James and suddenly there were streams of tears just pouring over his face. “Of all the things I could’ve said. Why did I have to say that? My stupidbigfuckingidiot mouth! I’m not meant to break his heart the way I’ve done. I’m a horrible boyfriend. The worst boyfriend there ever was, probably...”

James sighed and put the mirror down and got up, catching Sirius about the shoulders and stared into his face very sternly. “Listen. You aren’t. It’s just a slip of the mouth, it happens and he’ll calm down and he’ll realize that, too, and he’ll forgive you and you lot will snog it off and it’ll be done, okay? Breathe.”

Sirius stared at James and he looked just so distraught… “I called him a monster.”

James pursed his lips.

“It’s his worst fear… to be a monster. And I’ve gone and called him one.”

James took a deep breath, “That’s the danger of love, Sirius… Sometimes the people we know and love the very best are also the ones that we hurt the worst. The people we’re best at fixing are also the ones we’re best at breaking, too.”

Sirius hung his head.

James put his arm ‘round Sirius’s shoulders. “C’mon over here, we’ll wait for him to come back together.” James steered Sirius over to the bed and set him down, grabbing the mirror from the bed and holding it before them, “Me and you, we’ll wait for Rey and make it right.”

Sirius nodded and turned to press his face into James’s shoulder, absolutely miserable.