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I Loved You James Potter


“...and so then Remus comes up to me just now on the pitch… and he say to me, ‘y’know, James, you probably want to go stag and hang out in the woods’, so I’m like, ‘why?’ and he’s, ‘trust me you do’....” James stared at Maryrose, and he realized he was at the end of his story and he’d been talking for a really, really long time and she had sat quiet, listening the entire time. He paused a moment, then muttered, “I dunno -- the end, I s’pose.”

Maryrose took a deep breath and looked away from him for the first time, turning to look off into the trees. He heard her sniffle and she wiped her eyes and his heart ached for her. He felt horrid, like a bit of rubbish, and he reached out a hand and put it on her shoulder, “Maryrose, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He felt ready to cry himself suddenly and he felt a lump rise up in his throat and he said, “I feel so stupid for it sometimes, for loving her as much as I do… What you’ve got to know is that I wanted to pick you.”

She turned and looked at him then and her eyes were wet, her lashes glistening in the moon’s shine, and she said, “I understand.”

“Yeah?” he asked.

And Maryrose whispered, “I knew when we started going out you were in love with Lily Evans. The whole school knows, of course, I mean you’ve stood on tables to make announcements and talked about it since the very beginning, haven’t you? You’ve said over and over again that you intended to be with Lily Evans, and you’ve made it plain you’d do anything for her time and again. Nearly being killed to save her on the pitch that time, and fighting with Severus Snape over her…”

“I fight with Severus Snape because he’s a git,” James said, “It has nothing to do with Lily.”

Maryrose stared at him with an eyebrow raised.

“Well it doesn’t, the bloke should discover how to use bloody shampoo, maybe.”

“Anyway,” Maryrose muttered, “James… I knew before I got into this. All my girl friends, they said, don’t fall for him, Maryrose, his heart’s already gone and what did I do? I fell for you, and I let myself believe that maybe you’d fallen for me too… Merlin, how foolish I’ve been, but I suppose I’ve been as blind on you as you’ve been on Evans and look at us now, sitting in the woods crying together because neither of us can be with the person we love.” She stared up at him.

James heart couldn’t possibly have felt worse than it did at that moment and he hung his head, ashamed of himself. “I’m so sorry.”

He gave her a hug and Maryrose leaned into him, closing her eyes and letting herself enjoy the touch of him and the smell of him. She suddenly understood the smell of the musk and the woods that filled the crevices of James Potter. He ran his hand over her hair, which had gone its natural colour - a very ordinary, dirty blonde, a shade he never would’ve expected to be her true colour. She whispered, “Merlin, how I’ve loved you James Potter.”

Tears rolled down his cheeks from his eyes and he didn’t dare to speak.

She pulled back and looked at him, her palm on his chest, pushing him away, holding him back. Her eyes searched his a moment, and finally she said, “And I still do love you, which is why I’m going to help you.”

“To help me?”

She nodded.

“Help me what?”

“Get Lily Evans.”

James stared at her, “What?”

“Remus Lupin is a boy, a gay boy at that, he doesn’t understand women, does he?” she said, “James, I do. And you know what you need to do? You need to get over Lily Evans and pretend at believing she doesn’t exist if you want her.”

James looked perplexed, “Excuse me?”

“You can’t be chasing her and expect her to turn around to let you catch her,” Maryrose explained, “She’ll run forever if you keep chasing after her. But if you stop… if you don’t fall at her feet at her every beck and call… she’ll take notice of that. It’ll pique her curiosity. It’ll draw her in, see… and before you know it, James Potter, she’ll be trying to make you notice her again, and Lily will be chasing after you.”

James actually laughed at that. “Are you mental? Lily Evans, chasing after me?”

Maryrose answered, “I promise you, James Potter, and I’ll promise on anything you wish. If you leave her to it, she will come to you.”

James could feel the sincerity in Maryrose’s voice. Could this mental suggestion actually be true? Were girls that insane that the moment they couldn’t have something was the moment they’d actually want it? Would getting Lily Evans really be as simple as not wanting her anymore? He blinked at Maryrose with his wide brown eyes.

“Girls have this unbelievable knack for wanting exactly what they can’t have, James,” Maryrose explained.

And even as James thought on how stupid an idea it was, he suddenly realized something… Lily Evans had been speaking to him like a normal person now and then in the last few months. She’d looked at him funny a few times that had made his stomach twitch. He remembered her eyes in the Divination classroom the term before, after the ghost of Mopsus had exploded into clock bits and her eyes just the day before after running through the rain… She’d never looked at him like that before. And both times it’d been him that had walked away, hadn’t it? Been him that had broken off the moment…

Maryrose ran her hand down his torso, then stood up, pushing her hair behind her ears. “I need to go, James. I can’t stay here with you, it hurts too much, but there you have it.” She drew a deep breath. “I hope, James, that you get everything you want and that you and Lily Evans have a very long and happy life together.” She said it very sincerely, and it brought tears to James’s eyes.

You’re an idiot for not loving Maryrose, he told himself, An absolute idiot.

He watched her turn about and start to walk away through the trees.

“Wait,” he said, and he got up and swept the tears from his eyes, “Wait. You’re going the wrong way. Let me walk you back to the castle.”

Maryrose choked, “It hurts to look at you right now, James. Honestly.”

“Then let the stag walk you back,” he replied, and he changed. The sight of James Potter melting off and the stag appearing before her gave Maryrose goosebumps because it felt just so metaphorical…

The stag walked alongside Maryrose through the trees, all the way to the edge of the woods, and she kept her palm on his fur, her hand shaking as she held on, wanting this long walk to be over so she could run to her dorm, press her face into her pillow, and cry her heartbroken soul to sleep. She understood, but she hated it, and she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ever be whole again.

When they reached the end of the bracken and the moonlight flooded grass stretched away before them, Maryrose stroked the snout of the deer gently and he pressed his leathery nose into her palm and she sighed and whispered, “Goodbye, James Potter.” He honked in the depths of his throat. She closed her eyes, gathered up her strength, and she walked away without turning back.

He watched her go, standing there, his tail flicking… and he let out a low cry… a sort of guttural version of the emptying balloon sound that Sirius had punched him for making over the summer. It was a hollow, sad sound, and he hung his head, the antlers as heavy as his heart, and he stepped back into the trees. He wasn’t ready to go back to being James Potter - the boy who broke the heart of the one who loved him, the foolish prat who made dumb choices and chased after girls who didn’t feel a thing for him. What if Lily Evans never did come ‘round to him? What if he’d just let go of the only person who ever would love him?

Then you’ll go stag, won’t’ you? He heard the comment in Sirius’s voice and he couldn’t help but smile internally at the pun.

Suddenly, there came a gasp through the trees, a sharp inhalation and he looked up, his chin leveling with the ground, antlers high… And there, through the trees, in the shadows, stood Lily and Remus. Lily was clutching Remus’s wrist in surprise, her fingers tight around him, and she stared at the stag, her jaw dropped and she whispered, “Rey... there he is… Do you see him, Rey? I’m not mad? You see him?”

“I see him,” Remus whispered. His wolfish senses were tingling, though, and he could smell the tears James had been shedding, could feel the palpable sadness in the air… He stared at the stag with concern - and he just knew that Lily wasn’t finding out the true identity of the stag tonight.

The stag turned and started to walk away.

“Wait,” Lily pleaded, and she dropped Remus’s arm, running after him, “Wait. Don’t go, not yet. Please!”

The stag stopped and looked at her as she ran up to him and her arms encircled his neck like they had the year before and she pressed her face into his fur, clinging onto him. “Please,” she whispered. “Just… just one minute before you do. Just one.”

He stood, letting her hug him.

It was the first time that Lily Evans’s touch hadn’t sent adrenaline pumping through James. He felt battered and horrible instead.

Finally, she released his neck and she stared up at him a long moment. “You look peaky,” she muttered, and she reached into her bag and pulled out a handful of feed and held her palm out to him.

He wiggled his nose, the smell of the feed sort of intriguing… and he pressed his nose to her and his lips wiggled and pulled the feed into his mouth and she laughed at the feeling of it, smiling up at him and grabbing another handful of the feed as he chewed the first one. Remus walked over slowly and came up beside Lily and patted the stag’s back, wondering what had gone on to make the stag’s countenance so sad…

Lily held out her second palm of feed and the stag continued eating, having not had dinner, he suddenly was quite starving and he eagerly nudged his way closer, sticking his whole head in the bag and Lily laughed, “Oh goodness,” she said, holding it steady for him, “You pushy thing!” But she made sure the bag didn’t close up on him, and she couldn’t help but be amused by the feeling of his snout eating the food inside it, the way the bag wobbled in her arms.

When the stag had eaten his fill, he withdrew his face from the bag and errant bits of feed fell from his face and Lily smiled and said, “There you are. I think we’ve both made each other feel a bit better tonight, perhaps, yeah?”

The stag honked in his throat.

Lily ran her palm over his neck.

Then he turned and walked away through the trees. This time, she didn’t stop him. She hugged the mostly empty bag of feed to her chest and Remus put his palms on her shoulders, and they both just stared after the shadow of the deer as he went off into the woods, his hooves crunching through the bracken.

“C’mon,” Remus said lowly, and he steered Lily back through the trees toward the grounds of Hogwarts. Lily didn’t hear it, but he heard the pop when James changed back, his wolfish ears keen and knowing the sound of a transformation much better than she would’ve done even if she’d heard it. He guided her along until they arrived at the grass and then he let his palms drop from her shoulders and he reached into his pocket and took out the Marauders’ Map and unfolded it, looking it over for Filch, to decide which entrance of the castle to use, which way would be best to get back to Gryffindor Tower.

As he stared down, he had a feeling he knew what it was that James had been upset about…

Maryrose Jenkins was running across the courtyard in the shadow of the Bell Towers…

And Remus’s heart ached for just passing the library, about to arrive into that very courtyard himself was Argus Filch and his cat.

Maryrose was about to get caught out of bed.

Remus looked at Lily. “Go back to Gryffindor Tower through the moving staircase, use the Trophy Room Passageway.”

Lily looked up at him, “What?”

“You go. I’ve gotta do something.”

“Rey --”

“Go, Lily.”

His voice was so firm -- she went. She looked back at him over her shoulder, saw him running across the grounds toward the Bell Tower entrance, and she wondered what he was doing… but she didn’t dare not listen to what he’d told her to do, and so she ran for the main entrance hall.

As Remus was jogging up the hill, eyes trained on the dots of Maryrose and Filch, watching as Filch arrived at the courtyard - Mary rose only three quarters of the way across it - James was suddenly at his side. “What’re you doing?” he demanded, “Why did you send her off alone?”

Remus shoved the map into his hands, “Maryrose,” he pointed. “And Filch.”

“No.” James sped up, running faster than Remus, Remus’s bum knees slowing him down, and James disappeared into the entrance ahead of Remus, keen on keeping Maryrose out of trouble.

She didn’t need that, too.

He would be the distraction that would occupy Filch.

After all -- Argus Filch had never once given up an opportunity to catch a Marauder.