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Mr. Black - You Are Not My Type


Friday was the full moon and for the first time since becoming Animagi, Sirius did not want to go. He wouldn’t ever say that to Remus, of course. He knew if he did Remus would tell him to stay in the castle, knew Remus would gladly martyr himself to keep Sirius happy, and he didn’t want Remus to even make the suggestion. Good people go with their werewolf boyfriends to the woods to face bazillions of Dementors, after all. So instead of saying he didn’t want to go, Sirius made a production of it - making a big deal out of packing his stuff for the night out in the Shack and telling Remus how safe he was gonna be because Sirius would be bloody sure to fight any and all dementors that came anywhere near them. “I’ll blast ‘em!” he insisted, even when Peter reminded him that blasting them would do no good.

The boys had their sacks all full and Peter had gone and returned from the kitchens with thick sandwiches and bottles of pumpkin juice. Sirius packed a bottle of Firewhiskey “to pass the time” and they laughed as they jammed their limbs into thick jackets and sweaters and wound their scarves about their necks. They could already hear the wind howling as it caught the turrets - they were in for a cold one…

On the way out to the Whomping Willow, James spotted Maryrose leaning against the wall in the entrance hall, talking to Regulus Black, who looked quite stressed. James waved and Maryrose waved back, making Regulus turn around. His eyes lit up when he saw the Marauders and he ran over, “Sirius!” he exclaimed.

“Not now, Reg,” Sirius growled and he hurried up toward the door.

Regulus slowed to a stop and frowned at Sirius’s back as he and Remus and Peter ducked out into the swirling snow. James came to a stop at the foot of the stair and paused, waving Peter on, “I’ll catch you up,” James said, and Peter shrugged and let the door close behind him. James turned to Regulus. “Does Sunday work for you?”

Regulus looked up in surprise. “He said yes? He said he’d meet with me?”

James carefully said, “I told you I’d talk to him about it. Does Sunday work?”

Maryrose stared on, a little teeny bit of guilt in her eyes.

Regulus nodded excitedly, “Yes. Yes Sunday works! Sunday is perfect! Any day at all!” He was practically jumping out of his skin for all the happiness he felt. Sirius was going to talk to him! Regulus had posed the offer to James and it had seemed crazily far-fetched that James Potter could possibly talk his stubborn, pig-headed brother into doing it, but he supposed if anyone had had a chance at doing it, it would be James - his brother’s best mate. Regulus said, “Thank you.”

James almost felt guilty for how excited Regulus was. “You remember you’re telling me about Snape in return, yeah?” he pressed.

“Yes,” Regulus nodded eagerly, “Yes. Anything you want to know about Snape. I’ll tell you everything! Just -- thank you.”

James nodded, “Yeah. Not a problem. See you Sunday, then.”

“Yes. Sunday. Where?”

“Erm… the dungeons,” James decided, “Down by the dock in that little lagoon… where they keep the boats.”

Regulus nodded, “Alright. Perfect.”

“See you.” James hurried away, trailing after Peter, Remus, and Sirius. He sloshed through the snow, his trainers soaking through to his socks and the wind carrying ice crystals that stuck to his face and clothes and he found the other three were waiting for him under the Whomping Willow, where Peter had transformed to run under and hit the knot with his tiny rat feet and Remus was in the hole to the tunnel already, trying to fend off the cold. “Sorry,” James said, hurrying to follow them as Peter squeaked in annoyance and Sirius slid down into the tunnel to join Rey. “Got held up a mo’.”

“You weren’t talking to that little blighter, were you?” Sirius grumbled.

James thought a moment, “I was just finalizing some plans I made with Maryrose is all.” He wasn’t technically lying.

Sirius said, “Good. Regulus is up to no good. I don’t trust him.”

“I know you don’t,” James said as Peter slid down into the tunnel behind him, popping into his human form as he came and the door above them sealed up as the Whomping Willow returned to it’s Whomping above the ground. “Lumos.”

Then, “You aren’t getting back with Maryrose are you, Prongs?”

“No, no, nothing like that.”

Sirius almost looked disappointed. “Too bad. I liked Maryrose.”

“Yeah. Well. She’s seeing your brother now,” James said.

Sirius scowled.

“She seems really happy,” Peter put in.

Remus nodded, “She does.”

“Yeah, for now, ‘til he goes and gets her killed, being involved with dark magic and evil Lords and all...” Sirius answered.

“Surely Maryrose wouldn’t like him if your brother wasn’t good to her, yeah?” James prodded.

“Unless he’s got her bewitched… or under the imperius… I wouldn’t put it past him.”

James rolled his eyes - so did Peter and Remus though less obviously than James had done.




It was late in the evening, the boys were sitting about the room upstairs in the Shrieking Shack, snuggled up in sweaters and thick socks and blankets, looking a bit like eskimos. Outside, the wind was howling and screaming as it blew through the trees in the Forbidden Forest. Sirius glanced at the window and shivered, wondering if the cries he heard were just the wind… or something more sinister. He reached for the bottle of firewhiskey he’d packed and wrenched the cap off it, taking a long swig off the neck of it and holding it up, offering it around to the others. Remus took it next, downing a mouthful before handing it to Peter, who didn’t drink any but handed it off to James. They’d been on the bottle some time already and getting progressively louder, tears in their eyes as they laughed.

“I gave Minnie one of the P.A.H.W.F.A.H.W.W.N.D.J.P. badges,” Sirius announced, his voice slurred.

“NO!” Remus hooted, “You didn’t.”

Peter snorted he laughed so hard.

“I did! I truly did,” Sirius said as James handed him back the bottle of Firewhiskey. Sirius gulped a big mouthful down, then said, “I walked right up to her in the hall - she was scolding some third years for being late to their classes, and I bloody says to her… MINNIE…” Sirius rolled his body up so he was on his knees on the bed, teetering just a bit and Remus’s hand went up to his back to keep him from falling over, “MINNIE, YOU’VE GOT RUDDY BRILLIANT HAIR… WOULD YOU EVER CONSIDER DATING A STUDENT?”

James busted a gut, honking with laughter as Remus choked and took the bottle from Sirius, grinning up at him. “NOOOO!” Peter cried, “No you didn’t!! You didn’t!!! Did you?”

“Of course I did!! And she looked at me… right confused as all get-out, mind, and she says to me, completely stone-faced, altogether serious, and she say --” Sirius cleared his throat, and, in his Professor Min-Min terrible Scottish accent voice, he said, “Mr. Black - you are not my type!”

James fell off the bed he was laughing so hard.

“Merlin -- Merlin!” wheezed Peter and Remus buried his face in the pillow he’d grabbed from the head of the bed, scarcely able to breathe.

“So I says to her -- oh Minnie, I do apologize, I don’t mean myself, I’m asking after James Potter! And Minnie - she says, James Potter has a far better chance at it than you, Mr. Black!”

“MINNIE FANCIES YOU JAMES BLOODY HELL!” cried Peter laughing.

“James McGonagall, has a nice ring to it, right mate?” Remus hooted.

“SHE DID NOT SAY THAT!! SHE DID NOT!” James threw his scarf at Sirius, all balled up, “You bleedin’ liar!”

“RIGHT HAND TO GOD, MATE!” Sirius announced.

“Swear on your Moony!” Jamres demanded.

Sirius looked at Remus, and a grin crossed his face and he squshed his palm against Remus’s curls and shouted, “I, SIRIUS ORION BLACK ---” then he grinned and said, “Alright! She didn’t say that last part. BUT SHE DID SAY THE THING ABOUT ME NOT BEING HER TYPE!!” Sirius dropped back onto his bum, his legs flailing about as he fell into the blankets and pillows on the bed. He threw James’s scarf back at him. “I actually replied, You’re not my type either, Love! And then I gave her the pin and she looked it over, read the letters out, says, What is this? and I had to explain it out to her but I think she found it right funny.”

James shook his head, “I knew she didn’t bleedin’ say I had a better chance.”

“Better chance with Minnie than you do with Evans at this rate, mate!” Peter squeaked.

“Better chance with the bloody Squid than with Evans,” Sirius corrected, “Course the squid might not be so bad - he’s rather handsy.” Sirius flapped his arms and legs, imitating the squid’s tentacles.

“AND RIGHT SLIMEY TOO!” James laughed.

“D’ya reckon he’s slimey?” Sirius asked, looking ‘round.

“Most of those type things are,” Peter pointed out. “Algae and the like.”

“And he’s got those suckers,” James said, using his finger to pop his cheek to make a suction cup sound with his mouth.

“I do like suckers,” muttered Sirius, laying back into the pillows.

“Ohhhhh!” all three of the other boys groaned. “Dirty, Black!” yelled James and all three of them objected by hitting him with a pillow and throwing a scarf and chucking a cookie at him and Sirius laughed, dodging the pillow, rolling the scarf about his neck and taking a great bite out of the cookie as he grinned at them.

“Should be right used to my dirty mind by now, you lot’ve dealt with it -- what’s it been now? Four and a half years??”

“LONGEST YEARS OF MY LIFE,” announced James.

Remus smirked and grabbed Sirius’s hand, bringing it and the cookie to his own mouth and taking a big bite of it. Sirius grinned at him as Remus chewed.

“You know what you ought to do,” Peter said suddenly.

“What’s that?” Sirius asked, breaking the stare he’d had going with Remus Lupin. He looked over at Pete, who’d pulled another cookie from the pocket of his thick jumper.

“Invite Dumbledore.”

“YESSSSSSSSS!” James shouted, “Bleedin’ hell, I wanna be a fly on the wall when you invite him!”

Sirius snorted and clapped his hands together, giving Remus the rest of the cookie, “Mother of Merlin -- that would be bleedin’ hilarious. Though I do get a bit of the feelin’ like perhaps you might have an even better chance at Dumbledore than you do at Minnie -- if you get what I’m sayin’??” Sirius wink-winked at James.

James choked on a mouthful of Firewhiskey - somehow amongst the conversation, the bottle had wound it’s way back around to James’s hand - “Have mercy, Sirius,” he snort-laughed so hard that drink nearly came out his nose and burned in the back of his throat, his voice coming out tight and high.

Remus had finished the cookie and outside the wind gave a horrid, unearthly howl and he squinted to the cracks in the wood barring the window up and glanced at the clock on the wall. “Mates, it’s time.”

“Aw hell,” Sirius groaned, “Is it already moonrise?”

“It is,” Remus nodded.

And so they gathered up their things and put the cap on the bottle of firewhiskey, leaving the half-finished bottle on the desk there in the room and James and Sirius shouldered Remus’s arms, helping him along down the stairs as his knees were wrecked by the moon’s arrival and Peter scurried ahead, popping into his rat form halfway down the stairs and running, squeaking, long wormy tail dragging behind as he climbed up the ratty old couch and set himself on the arm of it, sitting up, little paws and whiskers twitching.

James grinned and started his transformation and Remus sat on the couch and stared up at the crack in the windows, the pale white light outside threatening to take him away. Sirius knelt beside him, staring up at the window, too, and as they watched a horrible, ghostly figure flew past the moon, silhouetted against the brightness of it. “They can’t get in the shack,” Remus reminded him.

Sirius nodded.

“Don’t be afraid, my love,” Remus said. “Happy thoughts, remember?”

Sirius looked at Remus. “Happy thoughts, Moony,” he whispered, “Happy thoughts.”

Remus nodded and kissed Sirius’s nose. “Yes. Exactly. Happy thoughts, my Padf--”

But before he could finish the words, the moon gripped him, and he started to change.

Sirius stood up and drew a deep breath, his eye on the silhouette of the creature outside the Shack… floating about, draining happiness from the world… and he muttered, “You can’t have the light in me… you just can’t.” And with that, he transformed into Snuffles.