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Talking With Evans


Lily stood by the trap door for a few moments after Sirius and Regulus had left, gathering herself and trying to think of what words to say to James when she turned around. She could hear him breathing - shaky and deep. When she turned around, she found that he had sat down so that his back was against the couch and was staring at his hands in his lap, turning something over in his hands.

“What’s that?” she asked, stepping toward him.

James looked up. “My old glasses. Regulus found them in the cave. He thought they were hers. She wore glasses sometimes, too.” He held them up for her to see. “It’s the thick ones.”

Lily walked over and slid onto the floor beside James, trying very hard not to look at Maryrose’s body. The thought of a dead body being right there sent chills down Lily’s spine. She took the glasses from James and looked at them. The lenses were cracked, but the frames were alright. They looked the same as they had last time she’d seen them on his face. She handed them back to him. “I think what you did, bringing her back, was really… really brave, Potter.”

James stared at the glasses again, then folded them up and shoved them in his jumper pocket. He brought his knees up to his chest. “Brave?” he scoffed. “Carrying home the body of a girl who should never have died isn’t bravery. It’s a duty. Particularly when you’re the reason she’s dead in the first place.”

“You’re not the reason, James, don’t blame yourself,” Lily said.

James tilted his head back to look up at the ceiling and he said, “Then who do I blame?”

“You know who.”

James looked over at her.

“Voldemort, I mean.”

“I know who you meant.”

“He’s the reason she’s dead,” Lily said, “Not you. You were being so very brave then, too, saving that little girl… You haven’t been properly recognized for that - not by anyone at all. I don’t understand it.”

James shrugged. “I don’t want to be recognized for it.”

“You did something heroic,” Lily said, “You deserve to be recognized.”

James ran his wand along the floor of the shack in front of himself, letting the tip of it scrape along through the dust. He stared at the etched webs that embellished the wood of his wand. “I just want everyone to be happy… and… and alive. I want everyone to be with the ones they love and to have lives that are whole and good… I don’t want people to keep dying.” He looked so deeply concerned, his eyebrows knitting together, his forehead deep with lines. “I can’t stand this - people dying.” He looked over at Lily. “It’s not fair, Evans.”

“I know.” Lily reached over and took his hand up in hers, wrapping both her hands around it, lacing their fingers together. His eyes shifted to the knot she’d made with their hands, and then up to her face. She said, “I want that stuff, too.”

James’s eyes met hers and he felt a funny quiver run through him, and his throat swelled up and he just stared at her so very long that she started to blur up as tears threatened him and he looked away, across the Shack toward the front door and he bit his lips and took a couple deep breaths, stabilizing his emotions.

Lily ran her thumbs over his hand. “I’m sorry I’ve been so terrible to you, James, this past month… or really, ever. I’ve been awful to you.”

He didn’t deny it. He couldn’t. Instead he said, “I’ve been pretty awful to you, too…”

“You haven’t really. You’re a boy, you do annoying boy things,” Lily said. “But you’re a good boy, really, underneath all the rubbish you do.” She paused, staring at his fingers, looking at the way his skin puckered about his knuckles, at the worn edges of his fingernails, which he kept short for Quidditch. His skin was more olive than hers, which was pale and pasty like her entire family’s, but James was warmer than that, and he had hair that came down over his arms and wrists - not thick or anything, but there. She flipped his palm over and looked at the lines that criss-crossed the skin there. “You’re a very good boy.”

James smirked. “You know, Sirius is the dog, not me.”

Lily looked up and laughed, “Shut it, Potter.”

James smiled, his lip hanging up on his tooth, and he said, “It staggers me that I must remind you of that fact.” His eyes twinkled. “Al-doe, I guess you aren’t exactly fawning over me, so I s’pose forgetting that fact is to be expected.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “Do you lot have lists of puns just running on a ticker tape through your brains?”

“Oh deer, no,” he said, and he smirked, “Actually, Sirius probably does.”

Lily laughed.

“Blimey, I don’t like imagining Sirius’s brains. Must be right terrifying in there.” He widened his eyes, “Imagine all the clutter? Cobwebs everywhere… Probably filthy mess…”

“Judging by your dormitory, I’d say all your brains are probably filthy messages,” Lily accused, raising one eyebrow.

James shook his head, “Oh no, no Evans, you’ve got us all wrong. You know, Sirius Black is like a one-man wrecking ball? The rest of us gents are quite tidy, really, then Sirius come through and whamo, it’s like a hurricane’s been through. Gives poor Remus anxiety.”

Lily’s eyes narrowed and she studied James, “Really? It’s all Sirius’s fault?”

James’s eyes shifted down and he smirked a little, “Well. I mean, once he’s mussed it up a bit, why would we be walking on eggshells trying to keep everything neat? He’s got it all trashed anyhow… Can’t beat ‘im so... might as well join ‘im...”

Lily nodded, “Uh huh.”

James looked up. “And I s’pose your room’s an absolute picture of perfection and organization, is it?”

“Better than yours is,” answered Lily, who had a terrible habit of using her desk chair as a laundry hamper.

“I bet it's a right stye!” James said, teasing.

“It isn’t!”

“I won’t believe it ‘til I see it.”

“Well don’t hold your breath, you aren’t seeing my room. Ever.”

“I’ll sneak in.”

“You won’t! Just give it a go, I’d actually enjoy seeing you try it. The stairs are bewitched to chuck any boy across the room the moment they try.”

James smirked, “Yes but what if it wasn’t a boy climbing the stairs?”

Lily raised an eyebrow. “Is this a confession, Potter?”

“What if it was a stag?” his eyes glowed with mischief.

Lily stared at him. “You wouldn’t dare!”

The mischief in James’s eyes only gleamed the brighter for this and his smile climbed up his cheeks as he flushed with excitement over the banter. “You know, the last time an Evans girl said I wouldn’t dare, she ended up with an engorged neck.”

Lily laughed. She couldn’t help herself. “Oh poor Tuney, she looked like a giraffe. You know, it’s still longer than it ever used to be. To this very day.”

James stared at her as she laughed, his mischievous expression melting into one of awe or admiration or …. Something. “Are you laughing about it now, Evans? You weren’t so humored before, when I’d done it. Don’t think you spoke to me for a couple months over it. You were right pissed.”

“Well, Tuney hadn’t done anything wrong to deserve it,” Lily said. “It was rather mean of you to do.”

“Mean of me to do!” James exclaimed, “Evans, she was being a bit of a wench to you, called you a -” he stopped, not wanting to say the word freak, “- a name. And that isn’t very nice to do, either. I was simply standing up for you is all. I’d stand up for you against any one who dared insult you.” He stared at her, still with those big gooey Something Or Other eyes.

Lily shifted, those eyes so intense, her heart skipping a beat as she looked away, unable to looki into them anymore. She had never been looked at like that before and it made her feel… exposed, it made her feel vulnerable… nervous… or maybe excited? She couldn’t tell. A mixture of the two, a regular stew of emotions, really. She cleared her throat and asked, “A wench? Are you a pirate now?”

James guffawed, “I would make a fine pirate!” She looked back up at him as the look on his face melted seamlessly back to the mischievous one he’d worn before. “Reckon I could drink like one too, just got to do with rum instead of fire whiskey - though that might be a trick seeing as Sirius is rather fond of fire whiskey.”

“Fire whisky?” Lily raised an eyebrow, and looked at him with narrowed eyes, casually bringing her fingers up to nudge the Prefect badge on her chest. “You lot don’t drink, do you?”

“Blimey! No, of course not, not a drop.” James smirked. “Evans, we’re all very innocent - Peter, Remus, Sirius, and I.”

“Yeah, right. I’m sure,” Lily said, “And I’m the Queen.”

“We’re like ickle cherubs, really….”

Lily shuddered, “Oi, now I have the most disturbing mental image of Sirius Black in a little diaper with fluttering wings flying about my head. Thank you for that.”

James’s laugh was loud and from the very belly of him as he tossed back his head at the thought of Sirius Black with a diaper and wings! “Oh Evans, you’re quite welcome.”

Lily laughed, too, and pushed his shoulder, “Potter, it’s horrible. Make it stop. Talk about something else.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

“I dunno, anything that isn’t Sirius’s half-naked arse!” Lily begged, laughing so hard there were tears in her eyes.

“Alright, then,” James said, “I’ll ask you something I’ve been dying to know. Do you love Jasper Odair?”

Lily wiped tears from her eyes. “Oh bloody hell…” she mused, still winding down, then, sobering up a bit, she shrugged, “Jasper Odair? I dunno, Potter, blimey. Maybe; it’s only been a month hasn’t it? I mean, I like him, he’s very nice.”

“Nice?” James laughed, “Well if he’s nice… C’mon Evans. Tell me the truth. Do you love him? Can’t you tell?” he paused, “Knew I loved you the minute I laid eyes on you.”

Lily shifted uncomfortably. “Liar.”

“I’m not.”

Lily looked away and decided that the best way to handle it was to ignore it. So she switched back and said, “Jasper is a very thoughtful and very kind boy, and I --

“Kind? Of course he is! Bleedin’ Hufflepuff ain’t he? And I reckon he’s right good at finding things as well?” James’s smirk was bright.

“That’s such an idiotic thing for people to say. Why do people say that about Hufflepuffs, that they’re good at finding things?” Lily asked, offended. “It’s a slur.”

“Dunno,” James shrugged, “Just saying, if I’m ever hunting for buried treasure, I’m taking Odair with me.”

Lily shook her head.

James smirked, “You know that’s why Sirius says his name like that?”

“What?” She looked up.

“Odaaaair you are!” James said, doing an excellent impression of Sirius greeting Jasper. “It’s because he’s found him. And Hufflepuffs are brilliant at finding things.”

Lily stared at James, mouth gaping, aghast. “Sirius is such a little bugger!” she gasped.

James laughed, “I can’t believe you didn’t know that was why -- that’s funny as hell.”

“I’ll scold him the next time he does it now!”

“Scold him? Don’t be boring. Get him back! Obviously.” James said, shaking his head.

“I’ll have to do that. Honestly. Mocking a sweet boy like Jasper like that.” Lily shook her head.

“Well,” James said, “Is he good at finding things?”

Lily stared at him. “Bugger off.”

James smirked, “That’s a yes.”

Lily refused to answer, but her smile gave her away. James laughed all the harder. “I wonder if they really are all good at finding things? I mean, surely it can’t be a slur for no reason - it had to have come from somewhere, yeah? I reckon I’ll have to ask Maryrose next time I see her if she’s ---” James suddenly stopped mid-sentence, catching himself, but too late.

They sat in silence for a moment.

“Fuck,” Jame breathed the word, his voice trembling, and he stood up and thundered up the stairs, overcome by emotion, but not wanting Lily Evans to see him cry.

Lily sat still, exactly where she was, and closed her eyes. She let out a long, low breath, and pretended she couldn’t hear him punching the walls upstairs, shouting out in anguish.