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The Wrong Potter


“The Marauders! Finally, I found you!”

Sirius snorted so hard that he choked and Remus turned to give him The Look.

Jasper Odair was running toward them up the stairs, looking quite thrilled to see them. James scowled. Jasper wasn’t the last person he wanted to see, but he was certainly in the bottom five or so - nested somewhere just above Severus Snape and Moldy Voldy himself.

“Be nice,” Remus hissed at Sirius.

“But he found us,” Sirius said, stifling his laughter as Jasper jogged up, “That… that deserves celebration, that does.”

James smirked at Sirius, his eyes glowing with amusement. Honestly, was there anyone on the planet that was a better mate than Sirius Black? James doubted it.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you lot,” Jasper said, coming to a stop before them.

Sirius looked behind him - they were coming down the first flight of steps from Gryffindor common room, finally heading down to catch up with Peter in the Great Hall after James had returned from his quest to Evans’s room. He’d refused to talk about what had happened - Sirius assumed because of Remus being a prefect and all and figured he’d hear the whole sordid story of what the girls dorms were like later, when he and James were on their own... So, to change the subject, Sirius had suggested they wake Rey up and go for breakfast because, as Remus always reminded them, they would feel better if they ate.

“Didn’t think to look in Gryffindor tower before?” Sirius asked, his lips quivering.

Remus elbowed him.

“Well the first place I looked was the Gryffindor house table, but only Pete was there and honestly I think you three will be better able to answer my question -- Especially you, Potter.”

James looked up, “Especially me?”

“Yeah!”

“Why… especially me?”

Jasper ran a hand through his thick black hair and, instinctively, so did James. Sirius blinked, his eyes darting between the two of them as they both did their signature moves. “See, it’s Valentine’s Day --” Jasper started, but Sirius interrupted.

“Did you just find that out?” he asked.

Remus stepped on his toe.

“Ow, blast you,” muttered Sirius.

But Jasper continued as though Sirius had never spoke, talking directly to James, “-- and I haven’t got Lily Evans a gift yet... I didn’t know if I should, because, y’know, only been a little bit since we started seeing each other. Didn’t want to spook her, moving too quickly, you know…”

“Yes she might find that alarming,” Sirius nodded solemnly.

“But I was talking to Harry Warbeck and he’s gone and got his girl a present and they’ve only just started seeing each other this week and I felt like a duffer not bringing Lily Evans a gift…”

Sirius feigned horror, “But Jasper! It’s Valentine’s Day, wherever will you find her something now?”

Jasper either wasn’t picking up on Sirius’s horrid sense of humor or else he didn’t care about it. Either way, he decided to simply answer Sirius… well, seriously. “I don’t know!” he lamented. “Look, honestly, all I have to give are a box of Bertie Botts Beans or else Sugar Mice. I feel like a heel, but I was curious if there was anything else Evans might like, anything I could make? I’m rather good at cooking. What do you think?” he looked at James.

“I’m sorry,” James said, “I don’t know.” He ducked ‘round Jasper and started on down the stairs beyond him.

Jasper looked at Remus and Sirius, “Blast.” He said, lamenting, “I was hoping James would help, I mean he obviously knows her best.”

James paused on the stairs.

Remus said, “Actually that would be me who probably knows her the be--”

Before he could finish, though, Jasper said, “I mean, the way she goes on and on and on about Potter --”

“She goes on and on and on about me?” James asked, backtracking and rejoining Sirius and Remus on the stairs. He eyed Jasper, “Since when?”

Jasper shrugged, “She just does. All the time it’s Potter this and Potter that.”

James said, “Yeah, all about the bloody shite I’ve done to piss her off, ey? Loves to complain about me, does she?”

“Actually, it’s always so positive,” Jasper replied.

Sirius suggested, “Positive that he’s an arsehole?”

Jasper made a face, “No - blimey - and I don’t find it very amusing you talk about your best friend like that. Aren’t you two good mates?” he pointed from Sirius to James and back. “I thought I heard one of the girls saying you two were together?”

Sirius absolutely choked.

“That’s… that’s me and him,” Remus said as Sirius doubled over, hacking on his own saliva, which he’d inhaled sharply at Jasper’s words. “We’re a couple. Not James and him.”

“Oh.” Jasper blushed, “Sorry. I thought -- it’s just you’re so close --”

“NO.” James’s voice was too loud, too firm. He blushed even harder than Jasper. Then, “Most definitely not.”

Sirius wheezed. “C’mon, Prongs, you ain’t got to say it with so much conviction. Imagine the brilliant hair our babies would have!”

Remus said, “How’s it look if the founder of P.A.H.W.F.A.H.W.W.N.D.J.P. is the one who caves first?”

Sirius snorted and kissed Remus’s cheek.

James said, “Anyway, you must have the wrong Potter.”

“The wrong Potter?” Jasper asked.

“Yes,” James nodded, “Clearly. If Evans is going on about a Potter, it certainly isn’t me. She - she doesn’t even like me, so.”

Sirius looked sad at this.

Jasper said, “I didn’t know there were other Potters at the school.”

“There aren’t,” Remus said.

Jasper looked at him, then back to James, “So yes, then, see, it is you.” He sighed, defeated, “But if you don’t know, it’s alright. I was just hoping to find something that might really make her happy. Lily deserved a good day. She’s been through a lot - I mean, not as much as you’ve been this month, obviously, but… well, I mean she’s done a lot of the same things as you. Dunno, just wanted to surprise her.”

James stood there, biting his lips.

“Anyway, I guess I’ll go figure something out…” and Jasper started to walk away.

“Raspberry cauldrons,” James said.

Jasper stopped and looked back, “What’s that?”

Remus and Sirius looked at James in surprise.

James repeated, “Raspberry cauldrons. She likes raspberry cauldrons. They’re her favorite. Raspberry’s her favorite. LIke red raspberry, not the blue rubbish. She likes raspberry cauldrons.”

“Raspberry cauldrons,” Jasper repeated, he nodded. “Blast, if I’d only known I would’ve ordered some for her… perhaps I could make some kind of --”

James had opened his bag and pulled out the heart-shaped box of raspberry cauldrons that he himself had ordered and he held it out to Jasper. “Here.”

Jasper looked at the box, “What’s this?”

“Raspberry cauldrons,” James answered. “I… I bought it for…” he paused, then lied, “I bought it for Maryrose. Before. So… so I won’t be needing it. You, uh, you can give it to Evans”

Jasper looked down at the box and then up to James and reached in his pocket, “Here,” he pulled out a coin purse, “They run, what, half a galleon?”

James shook his head, “Don’t worry about it. Evans deserves to be happy, you’re right.”

Jasper shook his head and pulled out the sickles he owed James, “No, mate, I’m paying for her gift.” He dropped the coins into James’s hand. James stared at the silver. “There. Thank you. I appreciate your help, mate. You’re a good bloke. No wonder she admires you so much.” Jasper smiled. “Let me know if there’s anything I can help you out with anytime, alright?”

James nodded. “Sure.”

Jasper nodded to Sirius and Remus then, hugging the candy heart to his chest, he jogged off down the stairs.

James continued staring at the silver in his palm as Jasper’s feet thundered away down the stairs. He turned and looked up the steps to where Rey and Sirius were standing.

“I thought you put those in Evans’s room this morning?” Sirius asked.

James shrugged, “So things didn’t go as planned for me when it came to Evans… what the bleedin’ hell else is new?”

Remus frowned… then, “Wait a second, put it in her room? How could you have put it in her room?” But James was already walking away - back toward Gryffindor Tower. Remus looked at Sirius, “How could he have possibly --”

“Do you really wanna know? Really?” Sirius asked, “Or is it just going to make you feel like a horrible prefect again?”

Remus sighed. “You’re right. I don’t wanna know.”




Peter came into the dormitory in midmorning, and slammed the door behind him. “I hate Valentine’s Day.”

“Not you, too,” Sirius said, looking up at Peter from Remus’s bed. Remus was wincing, sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the empty side of the room.

“I’ve had the worst morning ever,” Peter complained.

Suddenly James lowered the invisibility cloak so that his head was suddenly floating disembodied above the bed. “Wanna bet?”

“I asked three different girls to the Tea tonight. None of them said no. The last one laughed at me. Told me to bugger off. Called me fat.” He sat on his bed.

“Pete wins,” James ceded. “But my life is still rubbish.” And he pulled the invisibility cloak over his head.

“Who called you fat? I’ll wreck her,” Sirius said defensively.

“Anika Woodhouse,” Peter sighed, and he pulled a pillow over his face.

“Note made,” Sirius said, tapping the side of his head.

“Be nice,” Remus said, tiredly, wincing as his back muscles spasmed again. “I say that to you far too often.”

Sirius looked at Remus, then glanced between James and Peter, then back to Remus. “Alright gents…” He stood up and paced ‘round to climb up on top of Peter’s trunk so he was standing before the three of them. James lowered the cloak again to look up at him, Peter moved his pillow and Remus winced as he turned his head, his neck cramping up. Sirius announced, “I love all three of you fuckers. You’re all my Valentines… NO. Not Valentines. You’re my Maraudertines.”

“Maraudertines?” Peter murmured.

“Yes. We’re taking back this idiot holiday,” Sirius said. “And I know just the way to do it.”