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Worth Living For


Think of things worth living for.

Mum and dad.

They need me.

But they have each other. Eventually, without me, they’d be okay.

Something else. What else…

Alright. The lads. Peter, Remus, Sirius.

Well, Peter really just needs someone. Doubt he’s really picky who. If it isn’t me, it’ll be Rey or Siri. They’ll take care of him. Peter would survive without me.

Remus has Sirius. He’d be okay, too, if I were to die.

Sirius, though.

Sirius needs you.

But then again, he, too, has Remus, and Rey could talk him down from anything. Rey could stop him going mad if...

Sirius might not think he could do it, but I know he could go on without me. Not that hard, really… He’d find a new best friend to play pranks with. By next April Fool’s, he’ll have forgotten all about me.

They’ll all have done.

Maybe its best this way.

Maybe it’s best if I died.

It would feel so bloody good to look Voldemort in the face and tell him he could fuck off. For a final act, that’s not such a bad one, I s’pose. I mean if one’s got to die, dying looking into the face of your enemies and having the final word isn’t such a horrid one…

Maybe.

I dunno.

I’ve never had to die before.

Well, I have been close.

Like that time in the cave, with the inferius, and we were all running for our lives and Evans with that excellent wand work, holding off the bloody zombies. Or, same cave, when that hand grabbed my ankle and Maryrose and I had to run for our lives to get away from it.

Or Fenrir Greyback in that other cave, over Hogsmeade.

Merlin’s beard, I’ve got a thing for nearly dying in caves, haven’t I?

Suppose I should stay away from them.

Well, I mean, I reckon if I die here now I won’t be needing to avoid caves anymore. Being dead and all, there’s not a whole lot of caves to be avoiding.

I don’t really want to die.

Don’t think about it.

I can’t not think about it, though.

Dying is the last defiance I have left. Dying is the last thing I can do to fight Voldemort. He wants me alive, he wants to torture me. Can’t torture me if I’m dead, though, can he?

Facing Voldemort. That’s another way I’ve been close to dying before.

Faced Voldemort a fair few times, too, haven’t you? First year, in the Forbidden Forest with the lads and Lily. I still can’t believe I called him a wanker. That was great. Best thing I ever did, really. See, that’s the kind of defiance you can have now. Just look the old bastard in the eye and say something really brilliant like that again, then die. Don’t let him even get a response in before you do, just say it and out.

When else. Think, Potter. Keep thinking.

Grimmauld Place, when he killed Orion Black. Faced him there with the Order. Bloody Peter was so bloody brilliant that day… Gods I was so proud of Peter.

Poor little Peter.

He’ll be okay, though. He has the other lads. He’ll be okay.

Faced Voldemort in the Lestrange mansion.

Just before it blew up on account of that motorbike. First time we ever flew a motorbike. Gods Sirius was so happy. Him and motorbikes. I’m glad he has his own now. Perhaps he’ll fly it some where to cheer himself up when he hears the news I’m dead.

Perhaps he’ll fly it to Costa Rica.

He’s always wanted to go.

He can take Remus.

They’ll enjoy the beach and eat oranges and drink pina coladas out of coconuts.

I hope they have fun.

They deserve to have fun.

Merlin’s beard. I’m going to miss them.

Well, I won’t, actually, will I? I’ll be dead. You can’t miss people when you’re dead, can you?

The sun’s coming up. Getting brighter…

Any minute now he’ll be coming. Just listen for the door. The time’s coming soon. I don’t know that there’s much left to break of me, Voldemort.

He must be stupid, thinking that if I had anything to say to him I wouldn’t have said it by now.

It’s not like I’d go through all this for the fun of it.

It’s not like being tortured is a tea party.

And for Mopsus!

Fuck Mopsus, this is all his fault.

Everything that’s wrong in my life is his fault, probably. Everything that’s wrong in everyone’s lives. He may even be worse than Voldemort himself…

Actually...

What’s the Dark Lord want with him?

Why is he so bloody desperate to find him? And why does he think I’m in with Mopsus? I mean, bloody hell. I hate the guy as much as I hate Voldemort! He’s just as horrid and hateful and --

Well, that’s not true is it?

I don’t reckon Voldemort would ever have saved my Dad from dying like Mopsus did this summer.

I mean, even with ulterior motives, Voldemort wouldn’t have done it. He would’ve taken my precious seconds and left Dad for dead.

Mopsus somehow really healed him.

But why? Surely not just for precious seconds?

What are the precious seconds?

Is that what Voldemort is after? Precious seconds? Does he know I’ve given some to Mopsus? Is that what the connection is?

Mopsus sees all. So he sees this. He sees me right now. Sees me laying here contemplating dying.

Where are you, Mopsus? Where are you and why don’t you save me?

What good are precious seconds if I’m dead?

Are you the grim reaper, Mopsus? Are you the one that will come for me as I die? Are you Death himself?

Will you take more more precious seconds to save me?

Get me out of here at the cost of a minute or two?

Are you going to wait, Mopsus, to rescue me?

Wait until the very end?

It’s coming soon. The sun is up. Soon the door downstairs will creak open and his feet will shuffle across the floor and his robes. That soft whisper of coming pain. He’ll open the cell and come in with those bloody thugs - always with Mulciber and Rosier… Right brilliant bloody pair they turned out to be… and he’ll say a curse, some hex, some terrible torture curse, and it’ll wreck me the rest of the way.

Is that what you want, Mopsus?

Well if you’re going to save me, you better do it soon.

I’m giving up, Mopsus.

There’s nothing left to live for. They’ll all be okay. I already thought of everything.

Well.

Not everything.

There’s her.

Lily.

Gods alive she’s beautiful.

She’s so beautiful.

I wish I could see her.

I wish I could see her one more time.

Just one.

I’d give more than precious seconds to look into her eyes just once and hear her voice speak to me. I’d give every precious second I had for that.

I’d give every precious second to hear her laugh. That one where she sort of snorts a little and flushes when she does because she’s embarrassed she’s snorted. And that little smirk when she’s teasing me, when we’re bantering. I love that smirk. That gleam that goes in her eyes with it, too. Like she’s anticipating my reaction.

She was going to tell me that she cared for me.

I just know it.

Why else would she pull me away from the Yule Ball like that? In to a dark cave?

Ah there we go with those caves again.

Should really avoid them in the future.

If there is a future.

Which there probably won’t be.

Mopsus isn’t going to come to save me this time. He would’ve done by now.

Guess it was just the one set of precious seconds he needs after all.

Ah gods. I hope it’s quick at least, the dying.

Like a candle being blown out. There’s light and then its out.

Just like that.

And there’s the door.

He’s coming.

Gods, I’m so scared.

I’m so scared. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t. I just want it to be over. Please let it be over. Let it be ended. I can’t take it anymore.

Mopsus, where are you?

Mopsus, please.

You see all, you see all, I know you do, and I know you could save me if you wanted to. So please. Don’t let him hurt me anymore, please. I’m so tired. I’m so scared. I’m so -- I’m so scared.

Please.

I don’t really want to die.

I don’t want to die.

I want to live. I want to get through this. I don’t really want to die.

Not here. Not tonight.

I want to live.

Mopsus, please. I want to live.

Save me.

No, no he’s here.

Quick James.

Quick.

If you’re going to get through this another day you need to focus.

Think of things worth living for.

Lily.

I need to hear what she was going to say.

Lily.

She thinks she’s a jinx. If I die, she’ll think it all the more. She’ll never let it go, she’ll never move on the way mum and dad and Peter and Remus and Sirius would. She’d only believe it more. She doesn’t deserve to believe she’s a jinx. She isn’t one.

She isn’t.

And it’s up to me to prove it to her.

I’m the only one who can.

Oh gods. If I die… she’ll blame herself.

And it isn’t her fault.

Please, Mopsus.

Let me live for Lily.

“Good morning, Potter. Have a good sleep?” Voldemort’s voice rang through the cell as he walked around James Potter’s unmoving form, lying upon the floor of the cell. Dried blood on his skin. High above, through the window, the sun’s light streaked through the barred gap. Ice-cold winter air… swirling snowflakes… “Are you ready? Have you had your rest? Are you prepared for what’s to come?” Voldemort lined himself up with the weak, nearly vacant eyes, drawing his wand slowly so that James Potter’s focus could follow its every move. He aimed it, his palm cupping the handle of it. He smiled, “Or have you decided you’d rather tell me of the location of the Blind Seer’s clocks? Speak up, Potter,” Voldemort commanded in a regal tone.

James stared up at him.

“Speak up or I will begin.”

Silence rang in the cell.

“Fine.” Voldemort’s voice rang sharp and annoyed.

He, too, was getting tired of the torture.

He, too, was ready to give up on James Potter.

“Crucio!” he bellowed, putting every ounce of annoyance and hatred he had into the thing.

But James Potter had thought of something to live for.