Third Day: I wish I have a river I could skate on

The morning had already started to stretch its endless arms when the two figures met in front of Nick’s front door, the sun following their steps and drawing their shadows upon the bright colors of a day that was already taking the shape of something that belonged to a painting or a postcard. A warm breeze was coming up from the nearby shore, blowing small breaths that smelled like flowers, sand and the aroma of fresh �“ brewed coffee. It was such a sharp contrast with what Brian had planned for the day, an idea whose keyword was ice and involved the use of gloves and scarves, but something told him that Nick wasn’t going to mind.

At least, he hoped.

“Thanks for the help, Kev.”

“It’s nothing.”

“I really appreciate it. I know I could have asked to a professional but it makes more sense if he’s taught by someone he knows. Someone who is like family.” Nerves made Brian biting on his lips, a trail of doubts slowly lining up inside his brain.

“Bri, you do know that you didn’t have to do all of this? The idea is amazing, I can concede you this. More than amazing, actually. �“ It was romantic, it was something that could be the plotline for a movie or for a book and that could be able to steal away so many hearts. It was so Brian, something so thoughtful and specially planned around the person he loved the most. But Nick already knew that and it was impossible that Brian didn’t know that Nick already loved him the most. �“ But if it’s just a way to court Nick… you don’t have to do it. Nick’s already in love with you. He’s been in love with you since forever.”

It hadn’t been easy to observe, just observe, that dance between Brian and Nick: sometimes the moves had brought them closer, so close that everyone around them had held their breaths in anticipation, waiting for that last small step that would make them cross the line and finally become one being; sometimes that same rhythm had played the most horrible trick and had forced them to take a step back, and another one, and another one until they had been so distant that it had been impossible to imagine a future together. And, after and against everything, that couple had managed to find its way back, circling and circling around each other as if, after so many years and with so many scars, both of them had been almost scared to try once again.

“So everyone keeps saying...” Brian murmured, his gaze lowered to the floor as he kicked some small rocks with the tip of his shoes.

“But?” Kevin interjected, not bothered at all by the “I don’t really want to talk about it” air that surrounded the smaller man.

“Nothing.”

“But?” Kevin pressed on, pushing the cousin out of that shell that had always seemed so impenetrable. But, maybe, that had been because no one had ever dared to see, to try and find what was behind that “I’m okay. It’s nothing.” that had been Brian’s password for every question.

Brian sighed loudly, an invisible bubble of frustration because he couldn’t run away anymore, because no one didn’t allow him anymore to use his smile and force back all the fears and doubts hanging around like a toxic cloud. A part of him was relieved because hiding had been what had brought him through one of the hardest difficulty of his life, and he didn’t want to hide anymore; but, at the same time, another part of him was still trapped within that web of stubbornness and desire to always appear held together and strong. And that had been a fight that had left him so exhausted, so out of energies that there was no point anymore on trying or keep it alive. And Brian needed the reassurance, the affirmation that it all hadn’t been inside his mind, that he hadn’t played himself reading signs that, in the end and in the painful truth, meant something very different from what he thought.

“I just... how can you be so sure? How can I be sure?” Brian rose up his face, blue eyes meeting green ones. There was so much uncertainty, so much fragility and that was something new. Or maybe it was just that new Brian that everyone was still trying to come to terms with.

“You can’t. It’s love. That’s why it’s such an adventure. And why it is scaring. Didn’t you believe it too?”

“Yes, when I was young and I had all the chances in this world to make it happen. But… - Brian turned his face, a distant and sad look tainting the blue with a shade of grey. - … I’m not that Brian anymore. And Nick isn’t that Nick anymore. Everyone keeps hanging on to something that it’s in the past. Everyone is so keen that it is still like in the past when it’s not. We changed. And maybe even those feelings, Nick’s feelings, changed. That’s why I can’t lose this chance, Kevin. I can’t. It’s my last chance to prove that I love him with every fiber in my body, with every breath that I take and with each beats of this old and broken heart.”

“There is no such a thing as a last chance when it comes to love. If this one doesn’t work out, you’re just gonna have another one. And another one. And so on until your last chance does arrive. And you know what I mean.”

Brian’s forehead was all scrunched up with lines of confusion and deep thinking as his mind replayed those words over and over again. Kevin’s speech did sound as something that it might be true, though it was hard to relate it to real world and real situations: what if Nick turned him down over and over again? What if they would end up going around and chasing each other’s trails but never be able to catch up? Was he willing to spend all his life trying to prove something that couldn’t be measured?

“I… I just want to make sure that he knows, without doubts or second thought or ifs. I hurt him in the past, I’ve lost his trust and I made so many mistakes that it’s a miracle, literally, that Nick still wants to have something to do with me. That’s why I can’t let him to be unsure about me. Or my feelings. Not anymore. I want him to be sure that I’m not gonna run away, turn around and forget about him as soon as the world tells me that it’s what I’m supposed to do; I wanna make things right, the way I should have done so many years ago.”

Kevin didn’t answer or comment immediately. He quietly walked over and sat down next to Brian, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder while his hands were torturing what appeared to be a copy of the next letter to Nick. “Stop beating yourself up for what happened in the past.”

“I’m trying.”

“Nick loves you. He’s been in love with you since forever and that’s something that everyone is able to see, even now.”

“I really want to believe it, you know? - Brian confessed in a small voice, so soft that Kevin wouldn’t be able to hear if he wasn’t that close. �“ I know it might sound stupid but I wanna, no, I need to be sure that I have done everything in my power to prove myself. And I guess I need to see what you guys keep telling me. That he loves me. That he wants this as much as I do. That he wants me for who I am now, with all my flaws and weakness and problems. I need to know that he’s gonna be there too.”

There were so many things that Kevin wanted to say to his cousin, words that could wipe away all of those fears and doubts that had always been like a weight on his shoulders, a weight that had already managed to crush his voice. Underneath that need to be always perfect, to be always the best he could be, Brian wasn’t that different from Nick, a soul filled with so many doubts about himself and his worth: no one had ever been able to see that part of him, not until those cracks had started to show themselves for everyone to see. And that had unsettled Brian, shattering the last remains of a confidence that had always been something to be jealous of, something that most people around him envied and, sometimes, got annoyed and frustrated. That plan wasn’t just a journey to make sure that Nick’s heart belonged to him as everyone kept saying; that plan was also a journey for Brian to finally realize that he could be loved despite all his flaws and all the mistakes he had done in the past.  

“So… - He just said, smiling when he was faced back with a confusion stare because there wasn’t going to be another speech or another “just believe that everything will be alright”. - … how many times can Nick fall over before I can spare him?”

Brian didn’t expect that question. He had expected another speech about how they, he and Nick, were meant to be, though that didn’t mean that there wouldn’t be problems or rough spot in their relationship, friendship or love or both. So, took by surprise, he could do just one thing: laughing. 

*********

Nick didn’t wait for Nacho to come up to his room with the white envelope. Truth to be told, he hadn’t been able to sleep at all, his mind going over about what Brian could have in store for him that day or revisiting everything that had happened the day before.

That small kiss.

Brian’s lips on his cheek, that still seemed to burn with faint echoes of that caress; his hand went and covered that spot, fingertips brushing the skin as if they could trace again that sensation, recreate it even if it lacked of what, or better saying who, had brought it alive. It was so tempting to just put a stop to that chasing game, a court that smelled and tasted of something gold and old, ancient and romantic: Nick loved it, how could he not when it was basically everything he had ever dreamed and desired? He was Brian’s centre of attention, the receiving end of attentions and affections, dedication and devotion and it was oh so hard to step away from it. But it was an universal truth that patient wasn’t one of his particular trait: it was the total opposite, hence why he couldn’t focus on a project more than a few months, so eager to get other’s reaction and approval of what he always thought it was his best work ever. And now his impatience was raising its head, trying to escape from those chains and reins and run free, desiring no more than finally touch and have what Nick had always dreamed, wished and prayed for.

He could stop it, even Brian had said that he could do it. Nick could stop that madness, take the smaller man in his arms and finally kiss him, finally taste and study him so he would never forget every inch of his body and soul. He could stop it because it was about time that the two of them would stop chasing each other as if they were satellites; he wanted to stop it because he didn’t want to waste any more second, any more fragment of space and air to breath and just be with Brian. But then images of the past days always came up in front of his eyes, Brian’s smile lightening up the rooms while laughing, decorating, singing and flirting with him and Nick knew that he couldn’t just stop that circus. It made Brian happy and, by proximity, Nick was much happier and lighter than he had ever been.

And that was why, when sun rays started to make the room warmer and swimming into a golden atmosphere, Nick kicked off the covers and changed at the speed of light. A quick glance at the mirror and then he was already downstairs, curios eyes that looked everywhere to spot that white envelope that would make his heart beating a little faster, thrumming with a song he had never been able to understand notes or words.

Yet the letter wasn’t anywhere. Nick checked every small corner, even went out and searched for it inside Nacho’s house but nothing. It was almost like Brian had forgotten about it but that couldn’t really happen. No, Brian couldn’t deceive him like that, making him excited about the whole twelve things, about what that adventure could mean for the two of them and then disappear into thin air, without even a warning.

Without apologizing.

Nick shook his head as he headed back home, closing the door behind him and trying to think where Brian could have possible hide the third letter. Maybe he wanted to be creative, maybe he had raised the bar because Brian never liked challenges that were too simple. There could be thousand reasons for that and Nick was damn sure about not going back and listen to that stupid and vicious voice that wanted him to believe that nothing had changed. And that Brian hadn’t changed, their entire relationship hadn’t changed no matter how much Nick had wanted it to.

Before his mind could go back to that dangerous and dark place, someone knocked at the door. It couldn’t be Nachos, unless Brian had succeed into teaching the dog how to do it with its paws but, maybe… maybe it could be Brian himself, delivering his next mission. It was with that thought that Nick leaped to the door, opening as quickly as possible, eager to see Brian’s smile and…

… realized that the man in front of him, standing on his doorstep, wasn’t Brian. It couldn’t be Brian since the man was way taller, almost as tall as Nick was, and had the wrong colors of hair and eyes.

“Hi Kevin.”

“You seem disappointed to see me. What a great welcome!”

“I was expecting… well, not you.”

“And happy Christmas to you too!” Kevin exclaimed as, without even asking, he walked inside the house and took off his coat, placing it on the chair resting against the wall.

“I guess you’re here for a reason.” Nick asked as he closed the door behind his back.

“Maybe. �“ Kevin replied grinning as he stood in front of Nick’s Christmas tree. �“ Wow. That’s seriously one of strangest tree I’d ever seen.”

“Well… - Nick replied sheepishly, a hand scratching his hair while looking at his Christmas tree. Well, their Christmas tree since Nick couldn’t help but feeling like it belonged to Brian as well. - … I had help.”

“And now you’ve got mail too.” Kevin replied, taking out a white envelope and handing it over to Nick.

If Nick had been alone, he probably would have started jumping around, holding that white sheet close to his chest and, probably, he would have smelled the surface to see if it smelled like Brian. But he couldn’t do it with an audience present, especially if that audience was Kevin. Kevin and his terrifying eyebrows that could kill, of that Nick was hundred percent sure.

Even Brian was, if Nick remembered that conversation they had so many years before correctly.

So Nick just took that envelope, trying not to let show how much enthusiastic he was, how much he was mentally kicking himself for having doubting Brian, even if it had been for just a second. Half of a second. A blink of a second.

“Thanks Kev. You didn’t read it, right?”

Kevin rolled his eyes. “I’m not you, Nick. I actually know how to restrain my curiosity.”

“So you’re curious.”

“All of us are curious.”

“Really?”

“Read. We’ll talk about it later. If we are late, I’m sure Brian is going to kill me.”

And so Nick did it. So Nick went to sit down on the couch and, very carefully and with an attention that Kevin had only seen when it came to his videogames and computer stuff, opened the envelope.

Third day.

“I wish I had a river I could skate on.”

It’s not your typical Christmas carol, I know. But when have I ever been typical either?

Third day, wow. I feared you would already be tired by now, especially since you aren’t known for your patience. So, Nick, congratulations for having made it so far. And no, you’re not getting a mention or a medal for this. Maybe, if you manage to make it through half of the days I can think about it... but maybe! I’m not promising it. Maybe.

It’s not that difficult to get what the third task is. I’ve pretty much given it away with that simple, very simple but so beautiful lyric. Although you should know that I haven’t actually gone and found a river so you could skate on. I’m not that crazy!

A laughter escaped Nick’s lips, causing Kevin’s eyebrows to raise up and frown with confusion; Nick shook his head, though it wasn’t quite clear if he was dismissing the silent and implied question from the friend or the blatant lie written by Brian. There was an universal known truth, which was that Brian would do anything for the people he loved most, even trying the impossible and even beyond that; it didn’t matter if it would make him look like an idiot; or if it was something so ridicule that everyone would make fun of him for days and days, cracking up jokes and believing that he was whipped: Brian just didn’t care, didn’t and wouldn’t give a damn about his reputation if that thing was going to make his loved one happy. Nick had been one of those people, the first to laugh and joke but what he had never admitted to anyone, only to himself, was that his reaction came from envy.

Jealousy.

Nick had been so damn jealous of Leighanne because she had everything. She had Brian, perfectly wrapped around her fingers, ready to trade the whole universe just to make sure it followed her like a satellite, just to make sure she was the only and brightest star in his own world. She was loved by Brian and that, well, now Nick could admit that it had been the reason why he had tried so hard to hate her. Or to hate him which, of course, proved to be something so damn impossible to think, let alone trying to practice.

But now... now the cards on the table were turned, the wind was blowing in Nick’s favor and he would be damned if he let that opportunity slip away from his fingers. 

How many times had we wanted to go away? Escape, running away from being too much stressed and from something that it was too big, too loud to stand sometimes? Yet, we were different. The reasons, the motivation for running away were different because we, me and the boys, wanted to leave the job and go back to our home, to our families and to those people we knew didn’t care about us being famous or not because they loved us.

You didn’t. For you it was the opposite. You loved being away from your house, a place that had never been a home because no one had ever made you feel like it was. You loved being away from your so-called family, that group of people that was supposed to love you for who you were, not for the money you could bring.

I guess this is me, apologizing for making you feel like I’ve abandoned you, like I didn’t care what would might happened to you during our breaks. I cared, you know? I cared, maybe, too much but... I didn’t know. I didn’t know how to make you see, how to protect you more than I already did.

I guess  that’s  my way to make it up to you.

Surprise filled Nick’s brain, leaving a trail of something that he wasn’t quite sure how to describe it. Or identify at all. Things... well, things between him and Brian had been rough for some quite time, to the point that Nick had been seriously convinced that it was the end of one of the best and greatest friendship he had ever had and would never have again, for they were something so rare that you couldn’t found more than one in your life. He had blamed the older, of course. He had blamed him for their downfall, for that abandonment that had felt more like a betrayal. The worst kind of betrayal because it had happened when Nick had needed Brian the most, because Brian’s leaving him behind had been the last drop in a vase that was already showing signs of being cracked.

It had taken them years, almost a decade, to finally soothe the differences. It had taken Nick years to understand, to realize, that he needed the other guy in his life more than he had ever needed someone else because, somehow, Brian had become a sort of guiding star, a light that Nick had to follow if he wanted to stand away from the darkness in his life. 

But somehow it felt good to read that apology. Somehow a part of him, that part of his soul that still wore an unhealed scar, was soaring up within those words.

People think and believe that the reason why I don’t talk much about when I was five is because I don’t remember, that somehow my mind has blocked all those memories because it was too much for a kid. But you know me, Nick. You know that I remember everything, even though I wish so much I could forget things or words being said. I remember that year and, especially, I can’t forget how people used to treat me: I was the frail kid, the small child that had somehow managed to survive. Barely survived. So everyone was so set about protecting me, closing me under a glass so nothing could hurt me ever again.

That year, that Christmas, dad was supposed to teach me how to skate. But skating was dangerous, that was what mom kept saying every time I’d begged dad to take me to the ice rink, which was an iced lake not too far from our house. “You can catch a cold. You can fall and hurt yourself” and so on and on. I was so frustrated. It wasn’t fair because all I wanted, all I kept asking was to be treated as Harry or Kevin or his brothers; it wasn’t fair because all I wanted was to be like a normal child. I felt normal, though we can object that I’ve never been normal to begin with. 

One morning, almost near to Christmas, dad woke me up and asked me to follow him. We got into the car and then he drove to the ice rink. We didn’t tell mom, of course, but that had been one of the best day we ever had. And when you’re older, when you’re wiser and, especially, when you’re a father yourself, you look back and you don’t feel the same emotions you felt when you were a kid. I know now why my parents acted that way, I almost did it when Baylee got sick and I was almost convinced that it had been my fault.

Those words fractured and lifted a veil that Nick had only ever sensed but never been able to look through and past it; it was the veil of a childhood that Brian had never talked about, an experience that no one had ever had the courage to ask about because they just assumed. They just believed his words, or better, his lack of words and memories. It was just a natural thing to do, right? If it wasn’t talked about, if words weren’t used to bring something alive, then it seemed like it had never happened. Especially when it was something so different, so opposite to what Brian had always managed and preferred to show the world: lights; colors.

Positivity, even during the darkest times.

And that... well, that had always been the main reason why Nick, why a dark satellite like his soul, had been attracted to that sun. And, ultimately, fallen in love with him.

I know you’ve never had a relationship with your dad. I know you’ve never had a normal childhood and never did the things that all the children used to do. But sometimes life makes it up to you, sometimes life makes all the wrongs right in ways that you can’t possible see.

You only realize years and years later, if you are lucky and wise.

And you’ve been lucky, my dear friend, because life gifted you with the chance to meet four other people that, sometimes, have wore the mantel of a sort of father figure: sometimes they have taught you silly things, like how to open a checking account or how to shave (or not to, given the state sometimes you appeared to be); sometimes those lessons were more important, matters that sometimes you don’t stop and think about it but you just learn. You make them yours and you try your best to live it up.

So, I might not be able to erase all the damage and sadness that came from your past but I can give you a new memory. A new experience.

Or, at least, I can try.

Yours,
Brian

Oh, they were so different. He and Brian. Both of them had to deal with heavy hands, cards that the fate had decided to throw at them, hoping that those obstacles would shape them and push them to look and find something better. Be someone better.

For so long Nick had thought that the fate had just plain hated him. Miserable was the only adjective he could use to describe his childhood, at least that part that hadn’t still muddled and intertwined with the other four’s: alone, invisible and not even able to be a perfect big brother for his siblings. Even when the group had started to reach fame, even when his days and hours were filled with voices of friendship and love, there had always been a void inside his soul, a black hole that kept draining all the colors and all the positive emotions, leaving him with the sensations that he was only a face. Something people could look and admire, but never wanted to get closer and love.

At that time Nick had never realized how lucky he had been, no matter what. At that time Nick hadn’t realized that those four people, brought into his life by chance, had never stopped teaching him lessons that, only now that he was wiser as Brian had written, he could physically touch and hold into his hands.

“So... �“ Nick interrupted the silence, raising up his eyes and meeting Kevin’s. �“ I guess you are here to teach me something, right?”

Kevin’s smile grew bigger, a slight flash of fun that was so unlikely. Or, better say that it was unlikely for people who hadn’t have the chance to be around the older one during those times when fans and cameras didn’t follow them around.

“You guess right. �“ Kevin replied. �“ Take your coat, scarf and gloves.”

“I guess we are going to an ice rink, right?” Nick asked full of curiosity while he dug into his closet to find the clothes Kevin had told him to wear.

“That was easy, Sherlock. �“ Kevin replied while both guys got out the house and got inside Kevin’s car. �“ I’m going to teach you how to skate. Or, well, in your case how not to fall too many times and hurt yourself.”

*********

“And that’s it.” Kevin exclaimed as he and Nick skated towards the bench.

“Wait. That’s all?” Nick replied sitting down. Finally. He had fun. And it had been nice and, surprisingly fun, doing something with the older man that had nothing to do with work, or with a lecture about how many things were wrong in his life or how he was wasting it. But sitting down, in that moment, felt like heaven especially because the bench wasn’t made of ice and his but was a little tired, and hurt, of falling on it over and over again.

“Yep. �“ Kevin answered, standing in front of the younger. With a grin. And those eyebrows mocking and probably laughing at him. �“ You’ve managed to fall less times that I thought. Congratulations.”

“Thanks?” Nick said confused, for he didn’t know if that was a compliment or whatever. Yet, as much as he loved staying on that bench, a part of him wanted to get up and go on the ice again, trying and trying so that he could surprise Brian.

“It’s a big accomplishment, Nick. Especially for one who had never tried before.”

“But… shouldn’t I be able to do more?”

“More?”

“Yes! I don’t know, skating as if I was a professional! Or doing all those crazy stuff that I’m sure Brian is perfectly capable to do without hurting himself!”

Kevin just laughed. He couldn’t help himself, especially because not even Brian was actually able to do those. “You do have a point but that’s something that you two will have to learn together. My task was just to teach you and then leave. Which I’m doing now.”

“Wait!” Nick called the older man back, just as he was about to turn around and skate towards to the other exit.

“I’m not going to teach you. No matter how much you beg. Or pout.”

“No, it’s not that. �“ Nick answered, though he did try pouting to see if he could win Kevin over. Unfortunately not. �“ I was wondering... well, there’s no easy way to say it. I was wondering why you aren’t giving me the “hurt my little cousin and you’re going to pay.” speech.”

“Well, it’s a little too late for that, don’t you think?” It was a honest truth. No sugarcoating, no forgetting how many scars their past, Brian and Nick’s past, had brought along. And Nick appreciated that honesty, because not everything had been ruined because of Brian and still everything could be fixed.

And this time Nick was so damn set about making it right too.

“Any advice, then? Because… Kevin, I don’t want to screw this up. I can’t.”

Kevin skated back to where Nick was standing and sat down next to him. Both of them, both Brian and Nick, shared not only the same emotions and feelings but even the same fears and doubts. It should have been a surprise but, as a matter of fact, it wasn’t because that was what was supposed to happen when two people were the exact and complimentary half of the other. And that had been something that everyone had seen and known from the beginning. Except Brian and Nick.

“You know, Brian said those words too this morning.”

“How could he be unsure when… well, look at what he had planned! How can I compete with this? How can I show him that I care as much as he does?”

“It’s simple. Just love him.”

“As if I hadn’t thought of that already.” Nick replied in a frustrated and annoyed tone. He didn’t need to hear those things that he already knew. He needed plans, practical things and gestures that wouldn’t and couldn’t be misunderstood.

“Listen. No one, especially Brian, doesn’t expect you to do some grand gestures every day. What Brian is doing now is amazing, I concede you that, and it can be terrifying and unsettling because one would expect the same thing in return. But you know him. You know that he doesn’t really care about those demonstrations. He loves to love, he loves to give all the love he has and even more, if it is possible and necessary. But he needs it back as much as you do, even though he is still incapable to ask for it. He needs you to be there, support him and be that safe port where he can finally let down all his walls.”

“So your advice is… to love him.” Nick repeated slowly, Kevin’s words going round and round his mind as he tried to save them and make them his.

“Yep.  �“ Kevin replied, getting up and patting Nick’s shoulder with his hand. �“ Especially and mostly when you want to kick him because he still hasn’t told you nothing about what is bothering him.”

“You mean half of the time then?”

“Something like that.”

Nick didn’t know how it happened. Kevin didn’t say anything explicitly, he didn’t say any words that had something to do with a some kind of feeling of being proud. And trust. Especially trust, as if Nick had finally reached that maturity to be trusted with a task that precious and fragile as taking care of someone else. Taking care of Brian. But it happened. Nick could feel it in the way Kevin was looking at him, as if he had suddenly changed into an adult version of himself instead than keep being that little child everyone had tried to protect and love.

And that implied message, that implied “I’m so proud of you” made Nick sit a little bit straighter and feel a little bit taller and bigger. “Thanks man.”

“Try not to fall all the time, okay?”

“I will.”

And with that Kevin was gone from the ice rink, leaving Nick all alone with his thoughts. Although it didn’t last very long, Nick had just started to list mentally all the ways he was going to love Brian when that man appeared, skating as if he had always done it all of his life.

Figures.

That should be another mystery that no one was ever going to solve. How could it be possible that Brian was so good at every sports? Was that some kind of compensation for all the inches he missed? He was a bundle of never ending energy, always jumping and doing stuff as if his body wasn’t able to just stop for a moment and breathe; no one had ever been allowed to see the down moments, those rare instant when he needed to recharge: Brian had always hide those times, just as he had hidden everything that could might ruin that perfect image he had created of himself. And Nick longed for those seconds, minutes and hours; he longed to be the only one who could witness them, who could wrap his arms around that athletic machine and rest against his chest.

“Hey. Did you have fun?” Brian asked as soon as he was standing in front of Nick, holding two steaming cups full of coffee in his hands. He handed one to Nick, sitting down next him while taking a sip of his. His plan must have worked because Nick was smiling brightly, red cheeks from the cold and eyes shining with a happiness that it had rarely took a place there in the past. And that living image of happiness made him happy too, another step of reassurance towards that amazing and great goal that he had set up for himself. For them.

“Aside from the hundreds times that I feel over… see there? �“ Nick asked, pointing his index to a distant spot on the ice. �“ There is probably my butt’s mark on the ice.”

“Ohhh. �“ Brian exclaimed, putting his arm around Nick’s shoulder. �“ Did you hurt yourself?”

That closeness, that intimacy, made Nick feel a little warmer. A little bit more loved and happier. It didn’t matter if they were in an ice rink, Nick just wanted to stay there, sit there until time became eternity. “I have to thank all the fat I have if I’m not hurt.”

“Oh, stop it! You’re not fat at all!”

“You really think so?” Nick asked, a trace of uncertainty and insecurity slipping through the cracks of a confidence that had been built as an armor, as something to obtain if he kept believing in it.

“I do. You’re perfect. �“ Brian replied, looking into Nick’s eyes and not turning away until Nick would understand that he wasn’t lying, nor he was trying to make him feel better. He truly believed it, he truly believed that Nick was the perfect man, at least for him. - And I’m always right, you said it too.” He finished with a big smile, that one that Nick couldn’t resist.

And he didn’t want to.

The day before Nick had hesitated, although now those reasons seemed so stupid and useless. That day, that afternoon, he wasn’t going to hesitate anymore. No more being hold back by old demons and ghosts, no more being trapped in a limbo where he wanted to take a step forward but still didn’t know if it was right. It was them. It was what it had always meant to happen, how they had always meant to be. What was to be afraid of? What was to be scared?

So Nick did. So Nick leaned over, erasing that small distance that still was keeping them far and away from each other. So Nick leaned over and kissed Brian on the corner of his mouth, a sweet and brief caress that turned to be a hot flame, a sparkle of what the future was holding for them. That kiss was a butterfly that Brian wanted to catch and keep safe, secure in that part of his heart and soul that had been changed, transformed, when he had met Nick.

“Thank you.” Nick whispered in a soft breath, their eyes and mouths still so closed.

“For what?” Brian asked back, his heart thrumming and beating so loudly in his ears.

“For everything.”

Time passed by, although none of them could tell how much. Maybe it had been only a second, an instant that time had decided to turn into the hands of infinity and eternity. Time passed and, in that loop, words not spoken were left in the air, ready for hearts to take them and translate them before handing them to their souls.

“You know, the day isn’t over yet.”

“No?” Nick asked, a fingertip tracing the line of Brian’s cheek.

“No. �“ Brian replied with a smile. �“ Now it’s time to have fun. Together.”

“What if I fall again?”

Brian stood up and held out his hand for Nick to hold. “Then I’ll catch you.”