Second Chapter

It started with a kiss.

It all started with a kiss.

Didn’t every story begin with it? Just a kiss, something so small that couldn’t and shouldn’t be that life changing. Oh, but it had been life changing! Even though it started as a joke, something that should have stayed meaningless.

Only a kiss.

It had been Nick the one making the first move. As always, he hadn’t thought about the consequences. He hadn’t thought about what could happen next, whether that kiss would ruin and destroy their friendship or if it would help it to make a step closer to what he really wanted.

He had to try.

That had been his only thought. His only intention. He wanted to try because something was there, although it was hard to tell exactly what it was. Attraction? Admiration turned into something more, dressed up for the night but hiding behind nothing more than a casual and platonic love? Or was it something more, something that could change everything and lead to something even more beautiful and powerful?

Nick didn’t know and he hated the unknown. Things had to be clear. Linear. That was the only way for him to deal with them.

So, he tried.

With a kiss.

The kiss that started everything, the kiss that

“Brian, can I ask you something?”

Brian was sitting on the couch, a white page dangerously balanced upon one knee while the other was busy trying to find the perfect note on the guitar. Yet, when Brian heard Nick talking, he quietly discarded what he was doing and raised his head, blue eyes setting upon a different shade. Nick wasn’t sure, maybe it was just his heart playing games with him, but he was pretty sure that there was a different light in those eyes: a brighter light, a happiness that wasn’t intended for everyone. Or so he hoped.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“I...” For a moment, Nick lost all his courage. It was a bad idea. A very bad idea. What the hell was he thinking? That he could go to Brian and ask that? As if it was the most normal thing in the world? Although a part of him wanted to turn around and just make it as if nothing had happened, Nick decided to go with his instincts. He had to know. Even if it meant receiving a no.

“Hey, you know that you can ask me everything. Don’t be shy.”

Shy. Nick wasn’t shy in that moment. Nick was... anticipating. Expecting. “I need to test something.”

“Then why are you asking me? Usually you go to your favorite victim.”

“Howie isn’t right for this experiment.”

“Kevin?”

“God, no! Especially not Kevin!”

“You’re starting to scare me.” Brian replied, eyebrows raised with confusion and a little bit of concern. He placed the guitar next to him, having a feeling that the conversation would soon turn into something that he couldn’t quite place in that moment.

“It’s nothing serious, I swear.”

“Why I don’t believe you?”

“Just trust me. You just have to close your eyes.”

“Why?”

“Can’t you just trust me?”

“Can’t you just tell me?”

“You’re impossible, you know?”

“You too, mister.”

A smile crept upon Nick’s face, a warm wave rushing over him and that feeling that it was the right thing to do. They were perfect for each other, everyone kept saying how they completed each other, finishing each other’s sentences as if they were sharing the same mind and brain. They were perfect and it had to mean something, otherwise why did fate have played its cards so that they could meet?

And, in the end, it was just a kiss, what could go wrong?

Brian was still looking at him, carefully studying his face and expression to try to understand what was going on. The closeness and the intimacy was almost intoxicating and it was hard, for Brian, to use rationality to win over those feelings. He almost wished he could have the strength to move a little, putting a bigger distance between him and that boy that had always been something more than just a friend. He almost wished he could just get up and walk away, because he already sensed that something was about to change: it was in the air, the atmosphere had suddenly turned around and its electricity could almost be seen, colorful sparks that were born every time their fingers would meet.

It shouldn’t be happening. There were so many reasons why that relationship was so wrong in so many levels. Brian had listed them during all those sleepless nights spent turning around in a bed too small, too cold because Nick was in another room and he couldn’t feel and hear his quiet and peaceful breathing next to him.

But it never worked.

It shouldn’t be happening but he wouldn’t be sorry if it happened. He wanted it to happen, although he was a little too shy and too afraid to try. He had always wanted it but he had never dared to try, scared out of his mind that Nick would take it wrong, scared that he would be rejected and that it would ruin that perfect and special friendship.

Oh, but he wanted it to so much!

It scared him. That intensity. That primordial need and want that would sparkle and ignite a fire every time the other boy would be around: his mind would go completely blank, his eyes wouldn’t stop follow him wherever he went, always wanting to be sure that he was within reach.

He was going mad. And, at the same time, he didn’t know what to do fix his situation.

But, apparently, Nick did know.

“Just close your eyes. �“ Nick whispered, and that murmur was all it took for Brian’s body to be played victim with shivers. �“  I promise it’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Brian eyed him cautiously, not really knowing if he should trust the other boy or if he should... no, that wasn’t even an option. Not anymore, at least. Getting away from that room, from whatever Nick had on his mind, wasn’t an option anymore. Everything was about to happen, whether if he was ready or not.

And so, Brian listened to Nick. And so, Brian closed his eyes, his heart already skipping a beat. Could he hear it? Could Nick hear how fast and crazy his heart was running? Could Nick sense his insecurity? His anxiety?

Time seemed to pass by slowly: seconds stretched until eternity, freezing time’s hands and fingers until it was impossible to know how much it had passed already. But Brian felt its weight because not knowing what it was going to happen was making him crazy. Thoughts suddenly came alive, stronger than they’d ever been before: thoughts about something that it wasn’t right to think about but, hell, it was about time to stop thinking about what was the right or the wrong thing to do. Thoughts about finally tasting something that had always looked and appeared to be as a forbidden fruit, because age meant and could he really taste it if coming from his best friend?

Then it happened.

Just a kiss.

Just a kiss, yet it felt like it was so much more of that.

Just a kiss. Just lips meeting for the very first time, at first tentative, not quite sure if it was something that they should and could do. Just a kiss, sweet because that was what Nick tasted of. Just a kiss and everything around them stopped: nothing breathed anymore; nothing made a sound because everything had been silenced and erased, closed off from a world where only Brian and Nick could exist. Just a kiss and there was no air anymore, sucked into the wind of feelings and emotions that were more alive than what it was possible to be.

They stayed into that bubble for who knew how long. And it didn’t matter. It was as if they were finally discovering each other, meeting a new side of someone who has always be there but never quite right, never quite whole because there was this side hidden carefully.

Not anymore.

The kiss deepened. The kiss exploded with a need and a yearning that, finally, couldn’t be contained or told to be quiet. Nick’s hands got lost between Brian’s curls, their bodies searching and finding the right position so that they could be as close as possible. The kiss was oxygen for their hearts, a new melody that their souls had been trying to play but no one had never been able to hear and love.

“This...”

Nick didn’t let Brian finish whatever he was trying to say. He could almost hear his thoughts, that rational and logic voice that wanted to put everything in prospective and no, that wasn’t what they needed now. What he needed. Gosh, he had waited so long, he had taken the courage from who knew where, and he was going to make the most out of it. Even if it meant keep kissing Brian to silence him.

“No words.”

Another kiss. Lips that left a trail of warmth and fire, small bites of a pain that was still the sweetest because it was made of love and desire, heat and passion. But Brian managed to stop that moment, taking Nick’s face into his hands and forcing him to look directly at him.

“I wasn’t going to ruin this moment. I’m not going to stop kissing you. Not now. Not ever.”

Those words caught Nick off guard, shaking a little that conviction that he was daring too much and too far. Brian’s eyes underlined that affirmation, shining with a light that Nick had always managed to take a glimpse but that was never enough, never sure if it was meant for him or if it was just a reflection of the sun.

 How stupid he had been!

How could he not see that they were sharing more than just a friendship? How could he not be able to see that it was love, or lust, or everything tied together within those oceans and pearls?

“Are you serious?”

Brian smiled and, in that smile, Nick found the reassurance that he needed so desperately. In that smile Nick found that it wasn’t just an experiment, something that he had wanted to try just because. In that smile Nick found a key to unlock the brightness and the light in his life, because how could his life be so dark now that he could kiss Brian and have him all for himself? So, Nick returned to taste Brian’s lips, returned to bask into an eternal happiness because those lips were addictive, sweeter than sugar and warm.

Brian kept true his words, not even trying to object or to waste any precious second in talking. They would be talking, obviously. There were so many things to talk over, so many feelings that needed a name and a house. They needed to be careful, especially with the world looking at every step and half of the girls wanting more than a piece of paper with Nick’s name on it. They needed to be careful because it could be turned into something pervert, something that held so much more darkness than light. And Brian was so determined not to let it be ruined, not to let it be reduced into something only physical and sexual.

It was so much more.

But, for now, it was just a kiss. And a kiss could only lead to something even more beautiful.

It was only a kiss. Their beginning. It should have been something more, it should have been much more than a simple beginning. It turned out to be an ending, because sometimes fate decided that it was so much funnier watching people going crazy and heartbroken, twisting their lives as they had to fight even stronger for what they held deeper in their hearts.

It was only a kiss and both, Brian and Nick, believed that there were going to be more. Not just kisses, though. They believed that they could have more, everything that love had in store for a new couple.

It all started with a kiss but, the very next day, real life shattered that dreamy picture that was just about to come alive.

Numb,

That was all Brian could think. That was all Brian could feel.

Numb.

Just the previous day everything had been amazing. A kiss. The most wonderful and amazing kiss. Hours spent together, discovering ways and ways to know each other differently, layers and layers that were about to be thrown out for there wasn’t any other obstacles and walls dividing them.

It had been perfect.

It had been almost like a dream.

And now life was kicking him, pushing him to the ground as if it wanted to strip away everything with just one breath. And now life was telling him that no, he couldn’t have it all. He couldn’t have the love of his life, he couldn’t have that satisfaction of seeing millions of people screaming his name while he was singing.

He couldn’t have it all because he had to stop everything, hoping that it would be enough to fix his sick heart.

What an irony, thought. Just when he had thought he had found his matching half, that other part of his soul that could and would make him whole, his heart decided to just...

Numb.

Being numb was a better way to feel instead than all those feelings and those thoughts. Especially because Brian could still feel Nick’s lips on his; he still could taste his kisses, his hands caressing a skin that seemed to be made just to be caressed by those long fingers.

But it couldn’t go on.

It just couldn’t.

He couldn’t bound Nick, so young, to something like weeks of hospital, and that was if the surgery would go well. What would happen to Nick if he died? No, Brian couldn’t be selfish, although that was the only thing that he wanted to do in that moment: if he listened to his heart, if he listened to his soul already weeping against that decision, the first thing he would do was to take the boy and run away with him, run away from all those problems and hard decisions that were waiting to be made.

Why did everything have to be so hard?

Why couldn’t he have it all?

Why couldn’t he be selfish, just this once?

He wanted it so badly. He wanted so badly to forget about responsibilities, about always doing the right thing even if it meant giving up something he loved so much. He wanted so badly to dismiss the reality of things and just leaning into that dream that had turned into a perfect fantasy. He wanted so badly but, at the same time, he knew that he couldn’t fool himself.

He had responsibilities.

He was the older. The wisest. Nick couldn’t and would be able to see it but one day, maybe, he would be able to see that Brian had been right all along. They couldn’t be together, not at that particular moment in time and space: Nick was young, Nick wanted just to experience all the good things that hard work was finally giving back to them. Would he be able to give up all of that just to be at his sickbed, watching him struggling to regain that health that had always been something taken for granted?

Numb.

How could he decide like that?

How could he shatter two hearts, with just a word?

Numb.

But he had to. He had to do whatever it took, even if it meant doing something that would break and kill both.

Numb.

Someone knocked at the door and, for the first time, Brian realized how long he had been sitting on the floor: day had already gone to sleep, moon and night had just woken up, stretching their arms and welcoming those hours of being the stars until it was their time to bow down. He looked down, feeling for the first time the cold that had wrapped its coat around his body, those tears that have been streaming down even if he hadn’t a clue up until that moment.

He wasn’t numb anymore. He could feel his heart contracting painfully, beating furiously because it didn’t want to be the alibi and the justification for what he was about to do.

Why was he feeling like he was a murderer?

There had to be another way but he couldn’t grasp it. He couldn’t see it because it’d meant to let Nick see a side that Brian had always tried to hide. He couldn’t touch it because that wasn’t the way a relationship should start: there should be dates, careless and flirting dates and not doctor’s visits or... Or worse.

There wasn’t another way. And painfully Brian knew that there was no turning back, after opening that door and told Nick that they couldn’t be. He was about to sentence himself, without a chance to repeal.

It all started with a kiss.

And ironically, it all ended with a kiss.