Third Chapter

Everything was blurred, an alcoholic mist that made it look like it belonged to a dream.

Or an illusion.

The perfect illusion, the one where someone could believe that nothing that was going on was real or that a fantasy had finally wore the clothes of reality, standing there right before them in flesh and bone. The perfect illusion, for Nick, was taking in those sandy hair, almost the same shade but not quite identical because something was missing, something wasn’t like the real one; Nick could lose himself in those blue eyes, feverish eyes that were staring at him as if he was an easy prey to submit, and imagined that they belong to someone else.

To him.

Music grew louder around him, its beating bass seemed to make its way through his body, pumping blood in an ecstatic rhythm that made his head spinning around and around until he couldn’t even remember where he was. Or why he was there and not...

Well, why he wasn’t with him.

Another shot. Another drink that went down his throat, burning until his eyes got a little misty. Images got blurred until all he could see was blonde hairs and blue eyes. They were everywhere, they followed him as if they wanted to corner him somewhere, bleed him until there was nothing left. Drinking wasn’t really a solution, drinking wasn’t really helping with making all those thoughts, all that pain and heartache, go away: it may have numbed them, it may have made them less vivid but, after it lost all its power and its strength, those images would come back again. Angrier. Stronger. Impossible to avoid. Impossible to fight.

But he still drank. He still hoped to make everything go away because it was a nightmare. A vivid nightmare, being so close to him every day but not able to reach out and touch him. Or kiss him. Or hold him when it was so clear, to everyone and to the world, that he was too tired to keep going on like nothing was really going on.

Alcohol made the fear less loud. Alcohol was the only thing that was keeping him alive, although it may not have seemed that way for the outside world. Alcohol whispered words of hope, that small and fragile flame that wanted him to believe that everything was going to be okay: it was just an operation, right? It was something that those doctors were used to, trained to, so worry was just a waste of time and energy.

He had to be okay.

Brian had to be okay otherwise all that pain and suffer had been for nothing.

And yet Nick couldn’t quite let go of the anger and the hurt. He still couldn’t understand why Brian had decided to break up with him, although, to be honest, they had never been a couple to start with.

But they could have been. They could have spent those months together. They could have hold on to each other, hug tightly while they tried to fend off the fears and the worries. They could have been together and that was probably the worst thought, that image that never wanted to stay away from his mind: random guys have been part of his nights; random guys have tried to steal his attention but it never worked. It would never work because Nick just wanted one person, that same person that didn’t want him back. The same person that had first claimed to love him and then managed to break his heart in million pieces.

And so, Nick hated Brian for that.

Nick hated Brian for those tears that had been stuck in his throat since that night, those screams of desperation that no one heard and no one knew that they existed. And Nick hated how he couldn’t let go, how he kept passing by Brian’s room hoping, wishing to be strong enough to stop in front that door and knocking some sense into the elder’s mind.  Wishing and hoping that, some nights, it would be Brian the one stopping him from spending another night alone, lost in a pain that Nick never thought it could be possible.

So Nick hated Brian but, at the same time, loved him more than words would be able to ever convey that feeling in the deep of his heart. How was that possible? How could he be in love with the same person that made him feel so alone? How could he be still in love with the same person that left him, threw him in a dark room and forgot all about him? All about them? Perhaps that was the worst feeling, having lost the most important relationship in his life: Nick hadn’t just lost the one that could make his heart beat faster and faster, as if it was running a marathon and just wanted to come first; Nick hadn’t just lost his chance to find out if love was really that beautiful and mind-blowing emotion that everyone kept telling and saying: Nick had lost also his best friend, that one person that he had always counted on.

How could he be Frack without his Frick?

Another drink appeared in front of him but, this time, Nick didn’t take it. He left it on the counter, knowing that he would getting weird looks and stares from his friends. Friends. Well, that was quite an exaggeration. Those people weren’t his friends, he barely knew their names: they were just strangers that had feed that new addiction, people that had wanted just to be seen with him and demanded nothing more. It had been quite a relief, he just had to show up at a bar or to the latest hot club and just pay for the night: no one asked him about why he needed to drink away troubles; no one asked him why he didn’t talk about or with Brian.

God, he wanted to though. He wanted, longed to have someone asking him about what happened, asking him if he was okay and if he needed something. A hug. An advice.

Especially an advice. What was he supposed to do? Did he have to forget about Brian and that kiss? Did he have to move, act like nothing had ever happened and try to gain back their friendship? Or did he have to try, did he have to take Brian by the shoulders and…

God, he wanted to kiss him. That was what he would do. Kiss him until there was no air around them, kiss him until nothing mattered anymore, until the night had given space to the day and hours lost their meaning and importance. He wanted to block him inside his arms so Brian would never be able to run away ever again; he wanted to hold him until he was sure that they weren’t going to be apart, two halves alone and suffering for a stupid decision.

But Nick had never the courage to do so. It didn’t matter how many beers he drank. He didn’t matter how much liquid he poured into his blood, that strength coming from alcohol would always dissipate in that same very moment when he would find himself in front of Brian’s room.

And so, nights passed by. Mornings and days, until they merged together and, suddenly, there was only a couple of days before they would take that forced break. Before he wouldn’t be able to see Brian every day anymore, reassuring himself that, even if they couldn’t be together, he was still there: laughing and making everyone laughing even with his eyes tired and his shoulders hunched for too many worries and fears; singing and giving everything on stage, even if it took everything left in him. How many times had Nick wanted to go there and tell him that he needed to stop, even just for a couple of days? How many times had Nick wanted to reach out, take Brian’s hands and take him away from that circus that only wanted smiles and no tears?

But he didn’t have the courage to do it.

And so, Nick drank. And so, Nick walked by Brian’s doors, knowing that the other man was inside worrying and wondering if there was someone caring for his wounds and his fears. And so Nick turned his face whenever he saw that Brian was about to break down, his tears filled with anger and disappointment because no one seemed to care enough. And so, Nick drank more than before, hoping to wash away that feeling that he should be doing more, that he should fight instead than giving up his dream.

But he didn’t have the courage to do so.

Another man came closer to him, a hand caressing the arm in attempt to flirt. Blonde hair, although too much longer to belong to the one he really wanted and longed to be touched and touch; blue eyes that wanted to invite him for something more, for a chance to forget those thoughts haunting and killing him.

He could do it, why not?

He could let himself be led somewhere private, somewhere where he didn’t have to think about how much he was letting Brian down or how much he was hating himself for letting himself be hurt like that. He could let the world disappear, knowing exactly how he was going to feel in the morning, how guilty his eyes would look if Brian would just so much glance to his side.

He could do it but, for another night, he was going to let that chance pass by. Or, for the first time in a long time, he would do something. He was desperate enough, he was ready to crawl back to Brian and beg him to take him back. Because that was the only solution, the only thing that could make the world right again.

That night, Nick was going to take all the courage he didn’t have. That night Nick was going to leave that bar, leaving those friends that were strangers and didn’t matter that much. That night Nick was going to go back to the hotel and march right up to Brian’s door. And, that night, he was going to knock at that door and stand until Brian wouldn’t let him. Or listen to him. Or give him a sign that things could go back to the way they used to be. That night Nick wasn’t going to go back to his own room with nothing more than regrets, guilty and that sense of things and words left unsaid.    

That night Nick knocked on Brian’s door. Drunk, maybe, but never that sober and full of courage. But, that night, Nick waited.

And waited.

And didn’t give up when he first didn’t get any response.

And waited.

*********

They happened again.

They happened every night. There was never relief. There was never a pause, never a break from the daunting and haunting images that never wanted to leave him alone. They were the nightmares, monsters and demons made of fears and scares, claws that only needed the night and the darkness to come out and drink his blood. They were the thoughts he couldn’t form during the day, the thoughts that he tried so hard to keep down, so down that maybe they would get lost and never come up again. They were the broken promises made by people that whispered behind his back, voicing a doubt that it was already his friend and companion during those sleepless nights.

Yes, he couldn’t sleep. Not anymore, apparently. Kind of ironic, since his body kept feeling as if it was a bunch of tired bones, muscles stretched and abused for too much time. Kind of ironic since sleeping for most of the day had been the very reason that had pushed him to seek a solution, coming back instead with what felt like a death sentence.

“Your heart is overworking and that’s why you’re feeling so tired all the time.”

Brian pushed that voice away, wondering why it kept coming back. He sat on the edge of the bed, putting a hand on his eyes and trying to get his breath, and beating, down on control. He could hear it, he could hear how much his heart wasn’t working perfectly: that whooshing sound that always reminded him of the sea or the ocean, its water running up to the shores and then hiding again, as if someone had witnessed it and it wasn’t allowed to. It was strange because he had never been that aware of his heart: he had always pushed his limits, a rebel mind and body that wanted to contradict a sentence done when he had been just a child, and he never worried about not being able to recover. He had never worried about that strange and weird heartbeat because it had never been a problem.

Not anymore.

The worry was always with him. The worry followed him up on the stage, appearing in the middle of one song and so strong and forceful that it almost blocked him, stopping on his tracks because something could happen.

Just like in his nightmares.

They weren’t only about his heart, obviously. Sometimes they were, showing his biggest fear as he was forced to watch himself collapsing in the middle of a show and the whole arena falling into a deathly silence; sometimes they would show another scenario, with him walking away from the stage and quitting that life that had played such a big role into this health problem. Sometimes, most of the times, they were crueler, digging deep down his mind to come up with one of his most(temibili) fears: it happened again that night, he had been left all alone up on the stage while four shadows were walking away from him. No turning back, no looking back. Walking away as if he hadn’t been really part of the group, as if he only mattered as long as he made them more successful. Some other times there was just one ghost walking away, the ghost of a love that he had given up in hope to save something more important. Nick’s ghost, though, never really disappeared when Brian would wake up; Nick’s ghost and their love, another dark shadow climbing upon his back, were always there, whispering regrets and blame that weight more than Brian could possibly hold.

It shouldn’t hurt that much. It shouldn’t feel as if his heart had been torn apart, as if he was walking around with only half of his whole and his soul. It shouldn’t be all those things and much more, that feeling of not being able to breathe normally and as if the world had turned into endless scenarios of grey and black.

Nothing he could say in his defenses made the pain less. Nothing changed the fact that he had given up someone he had promised to love and protect. Nothing could change the way Nick would look at him, that cold stare and those eyes full of a melancholic and nostalgic drink.

Brian had never felt that alone. Everyone treated him as if he was a bomb ready to explode at any moment: there were words of comfort but most of them were filled with so much pity, the “I can’t believe it’s happening to someone so young” that it always made Brian angrier and with the desire to kick them or throw punches.

He didn’t need to be pitied.

He didn’t deserve to be treated like a sick old man, everyone so eager to lend a hand in fear that he would collapse and bring the whole circus down with him.

So, he stayed on his own. Far away from the burning question, far away from those morbid stares, eager to know something that wasn’t up to them to decide or judge. He walked alone, trying just to get though show after show, counting down the days that were left and wondering if it would cause that much trouble if he’d just run away instead than getting his surgery done.

The truth?

Brian was scared. He didn’t want that surgery, no matter how many times he had told himself that he needed it to live. He didn’t want to be different, cast under a glass in fear that his fragile body would fight back another time. He didn’t want to feel weak, brought down to his knees and having to fight, again, to be just like everyone else.

He already done it once, why did he have to do it all over again? And what was going to happen if he didn’t succeed?

“You can do it. You’re my superhero.”

Nick’s voice was the worst and, yet, at the same time it was a sort of balm, a soothing comfort that his mind would take out whenever he needed it. Nick’s voice represented that part of his soul that never wanted to keep his head low and just surrender, no matter how weak and tired Brian was feeling. Although the real Nick had never said those words, hiding behind a fear that walked hand by hand with his own. Rationally Brian knew that he couldn’t really blame the younger, who had never been taught how to deal with something like that and offering support and reassurance to someone who had always been strong and in control of everything. Rationally Brian knew that he shouldn’t feel that betrayed, let down and disappointed because Nick had never really tried to fight against his decision to break them up. But alone with his own thoughts? But alone with those demons and ghosts that never left him in peace? Alone Brian couldn’t help but wonder where that love, so praised and begged, had gone if it had taken just one obstacle to make it hide and run away.

Wasn’t he worth to fight for?

At that very moment, a knock came from the door, stripping Brian away from those thoughts’ chains. Yet, he didn’t move from his position but, instead, wishing that whoever was at the door would just leave him alone. It was probably Kevin, checking up on him. Or it was probably someone too drunk who had got the wrong room.

Another knock. Whoever was at the door wasn’t going to go away easily and, just for a brief second, Brian hoped that it could be Nick. His heart made a jump at that thought, tightening painfully believing that its sorrow was about to end. His mind, though, was crueler, whispering to him not to be that hopeful, for Nick wouldn’t knock at his door any time soon.

Still, another knock came from the door. Brian could keep pretending to be asleep, not hearing it but could he lose the chance? Could he be that sure that it wasn’t Nick the one knocking at his door, more desperate and forceful as the seconds ticked by?

Brian made his decision in a blink. He got up, fighting off the dizziness as the world ran around him for a second. He felt more tired than before, more exhausted and more weighted down by the situation but he had learned to live with it, to push it through because it was his only solution. He walked to the door and placed his hand around the handle, ready to open the door but still quite not sure about it: it was an endless struggle, a desire to be held and the fear of showing so much weakness that would make everyone run away from him; a need so burning within his soul and a force to show that he could make it on his own; to be left alone and to be surrounded by love and support.

Why couldn’t things be easy? Just for once?

And, maybe, that last thought and hope were going to be answered for, when Brian finally decided to open the door, there stood Nick on the other side. He looked rough. He looked as if he hadn’t been able to sleep, not really caring about his appearance even if he had just been out.

Even if he still looked beautifully breathtaking.

“Nick.”

The other boy didn’t reply. He had hoped but never quite believed that Brian could answer. So, in that moment, Nick didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t prepared a speech and alcohol was a fog that didn’t allow thoughts to run with clarity.

“What are you doing here?”

Brian’s voice was rough, as if he had just woken up and not from a pleasant dream. He looked miserable. He looked worried. He looked as if he needed to say something but didn’t quite know how to ask for it. He looked as if he wanted to push the other boy away and, at the same time, push him inside the door, clearing that air of storms and thunders that had followed them since that awful night.

Nick knew that he could do just one thing. Well, he could just say that it had been a mistake, and that he was looking for another room or forgot about his own. But that would just add another regret on his shoulders, another reason to go out and drink out all the memories of what he could have done. But, still, he didn’t know what to say exactly. Beg? Be angry? Demand new reasons, demand to be treated as an equal instead than a younger boy? Nothing was going to work, Nick knew it too well.

Nothing but one thing.

Nick didn’t give Brian the time to react. Or to say something more. Or to stop him. He just took a step closer and closed the door behind his back. Brian took a step back, trying to ask Nick what was going on but breath and air were suddenly cut off by Nick’s lips on his.

It felt like coming back home.

It felt like feeling being himself, for Brian had been living as a half being since that dreadful night.

It felt like things suddenly stopped being so out of control, so crazy and so dark.

It felt like Brian could breathe again, half of his worries cut off and shoved somewhere where they couldn’t hurt anymore. Not for now. Not for as long as he could keep kissing Nick. Not for as long as he could ignore how they shouldn’t do it, how they should stay away because the surgery could break them, break Nick, more than Brian could and would allow to.

It felt like history. Like past, present and future all mixed up together, desperately wanting to be heard and not ignored, for every second could bring an end or a new beginning.

It felt like memory, that sweet memory of their first kiss but, at the same time, it was oh so different: gone was the sweetness, gone was that anticipation and that hesitation, for nothing had been quite sure but they tried. They kept trying because those kisses were so addictive and made their whole world better and more beautiful. Gone was the discovery, those sparks of something that was finally free to run wild and stronger than before.

Now there was desperation. Primordial desperation, that kind of feeling that took control of the mind and the body, only aiming to bring solace to that pain that had been crying and pleading for too long. There was a need, that had been hidden under palliatives, by ignoring what their hearts really wanted just because they had thought it was the only solution possible.

But there was something else. A note that was out of tone because Brian couldn’t quite link it to his memories of Nick’s aroma and taste. There was something that made him almost stop, something that put strange and weird images in his mind: other lips kissing Nick’s, other hands touching that skin that, once, had been just his territory to explore and mark; other bodies leaning closer, grinding until there was nothing left as a barrier. And those thoughts… those thoughts became bigger and stronger, impossible to dismiss as a play of his mind.

Reality crashed down on Brian in a halt. A thunder that appeared out of nowhere, because no one could expect how that kiss would turn into that direction. Nick, especially, felt as if he had been physically slapped, hit with the hardest punch and not just from how Brian suddenly stepped back and away from him. No, not just for that detail. The most painful detail was there, written in Brian’s eyes and it read as disappointment and shame.

And, out of nowhere, Brian felt the anger rising its ugly head, its voice growing stronger and bigger as the seconds were ticked off by the watch; it was nagging his own skin, chewing and chewing as if it was some kind of bone that a dog wanted to have fun with. It was there. The anger. It was there in his nerves, struggling to get a control over it. It was in the way he couldn’t look at Nick anymore, ashamed of himself because he had fallen for that lousy and sneaky play. He had been worried. He had been worrying over Nick more than he had done about himself and that was the result?

What a fool he had been!

Wasted tears. Wasted pain. Wasted hours of regretting his own decision, wasted thoughts about how he was going to make things finally right. And, in the meantime, Nick had been out having fun, kissing other men as if he had never promised or swore that his heart and love were beating only one name.

What a stupid fool he had been!

“How many?” The question flew out of Brian’s mouth long before he could stop himself. Or stop that anger and jealousy leaking out and giving away his secret.

Nick was caught off guard, confused by what was happening and what Brian was asking him. Did he wanted to know how much drunk he was? Did he wanted to know how many days had passed since that night, since that last kiss?

What was going on?

“How many others have kissed you?” Brian hissed, those words leaving a bad taste in his mouth. He should have known better, he should haven’t let his heart believe in something that could never happen. Something that he had never deserved in the first place.

“It’s... it’s not like that.”

“How many, then?”

“Let’s not do this now.”

“Why not?”

“Because… that’s not important. That doesn’t matter.”

“Then what is it important? What does matter to you?”

“I... �“ Nick took a step closer to Brian but he couldn’t help the wince, physical wince, as the other put a bigger distance between them. �“ They didn’t mean a thing. They were nothing.”

“Nothing.” Brian smirked, spat at that word that didn’t actually help to chase away the hurt.

“Yes, nothing. Just a distraction. Just a way to ease the pain.” Nick didn’t know why it was so important to Brian. Nick didn’t know why it was even part of that discussion. That wasn’t the reason why he came back. That wasn’t the reason why he took courage in his hands and knocked at Brian’s door. The mere reason was that he wanted it back. Everything. Brian. His chance for love. His best friend.

It was heartbreaking. It was disinheriting. Brian wanted to feel the anger, the rage for being cheated on even though he shouldn’t feel that way. Love was hard. Love was complicated and, at that moment, there wasn’t a single thought that could be coherent and logic. All Brian wanted was to unleash that monster living within him, that monster that had fed from him and had dried up his soul. “Was I a distraction too?”

Brian’s tone was a sharp knife, ready to tear down every obstacle it would find on its way. And it was coming directly for Nick’s heart, already bleeding out desperation and need. “No! Fuck, Bri! No!”

“Then why?”

“Why? You even have the nerve to ask me why? Don’t you remember what happened a couple of months ago? Don’t you remember what you have done?”

“I remember perfectly.”

“Then why am I the one being judged for how I dealt with the pain of your actions?”

“I did what I had to do. And I won’t run away from my responsibilities. �“ Brian tightened his fist, not caring about the pain firing up through nerves. �“ But is it my fault too? Am I the one to blame even for your own mistakes? Did you want to punish me?”

 “No! Fuck! I’m not that fucking cruel!”

“Then why? Why?”

Nick took a step closer and, this time, Brian didn’t move away. Rage was still storming within his heart, a deep fog that was making almost impossible to see things clearly. Brian wanted to hurt Nick, wanted him to feel all those hours, days and nights spent hating himself. And what for? What had been the point of destroying himself if Nick had just lied from the beginning? What had been the point of those months if, for Nick, he had been just something to try?

“You were the one breaking us. You were the one that took something beautiful and destroyed, only because you were afraid. I was afraid too. I’m afraid too because you can be gone in a blink and I will never know if we were that amazing thing… you were just a coward. I had to see you every day and couldn’t do anything because you didn’t let me. You didn’t let me near anymore. You didn’t want my kisses, my caresses and my hugs anymore. - Nick shook his head, trying not to let emotion get the best of him. �“ You can’t blame me. You can’t accuse me of something that it’s only your fault.”

Those words hurt more than Brian would ever thought. Those words hurt because they were the truth, plain and simple. It had been his fault, hadn’t it? He had been the one pushing Nick away, pushing him in the arms of others because he hadn’t wanted him to see him weak and scared.

But it couldn’t be just his fault.

“You didn’t fight.” Brian’s voice came out in a soft whisper. A cry of desperation that had ran deep, too deep for bringing any solace or healing. A secret that Brian had wanted to tell so many times, all those times Nick’s eyes would linger a little bit longer and his heart would wonder why didn’t he just fight a little if…

“What do you mean?” Nick asked confused, torn between the need to hug the man and the shock of those words being thrown out like that.

Brian stepped away from Nick, walking over the window and looking out at the dark sky and the so many lights of a city that never wanted to go to sleep. There, in the glass, he could see Nick’s reflection and the way his words had left a mark on the skin, drawing an expression that he had never wanted to see never again. “You just walked away. You went to the next one, faceless people just to forget about me and everything we shared. I might have taken a bad decision. I might have broken us up but you just... accepted it. As if it didn’t matter. As if it wasn’t worth the fight.”

“Or if I was worth the fight.” Brian added mentally, although that thought lingered in the air between them.

It seemed like a dance, although its steps were knives and arms thrown around. This time it was Nick’s turn to take a figurative step back, hit by those sentences that rang truer than his own. He had given up. He had thrown his hands up, surrendered in front of a decision that he had decided that it had been unfair but only objected to that night. That only night.

He should had been the one fighting, he knew. Hadn’t it part of those thoughts that Nick had tried so hard to drink away? He should had been the one trying to make Brian see our wrong he had been. Instead, he had just given him all the reasons why he had been right because Nick couldn’t bear a situation like the one they were facing.

Like the one Brian was facing.

“It matters. You know that it matters more than everything else.”

“Really?” Brian couldn’t help but let out a tone that was half a disappointment and half a pain kept inside for too long.

“Yes. �“ Nick affirmed, surprisingly sober and seeing more clearly since too long. He could see Brian’s pain. He could feel the way he had been left alone facing it, left in the dark by someone who was now playing the victim card. He was the one playing the victim card, instead that cornering Brian and forcing him to see that they were stronger only when they were together. �“ You’re right. I should have fought harder. I shouldn’t have let you get away with your decision. But it’s not too late.”

Another step closer. Another one. Only a small distance, only a thin air between them, now closer that they have ever been in a long time. Brian could hear his heart beating more furiously against the ribcage and it was a scaring sound, a deadly fear gripping his veins and tightening up until there was only pain leaking out. Yet he stayed there where he was. Yet he stood there and let Nick place a hand on his cheek, let that caress burn an image and a memory inside his mind and soul. He let himself believe, foolishly maybe but, just for that moment, he let himself be wrapped around the idea that it wasn’t too late. And that he wasn’t alone, after all.

“I was blinded by the pain. I was hurt. I was rejected. And I failed to see that you were hurting too. I hated you for that decision. I hated you and I hated myself because I haven’t been strong enough to stand against you and undone our separation. I failed you.”

They failed each other. They let the other down, disappointed in a way that it was almost impossible to convey in words. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe it didn’t need to be too late but it was hard, difficult, to see an easy solution. For things to be over, both should have been different people, changed in a blink as they promised that things weren’t going to be the same. But none of them could be sure. Brian couldn’t be sure that Nick could keep his promise, especially when things would get harder; and, at the same time, Nick could not count out that Brian wouldn’t leave once again, scared of what the future had in store for them.

“Please.” Nick pleaded, his voice breaking.

Brian turned around and placed a hand on Nick’s, leaning in that caress for a second instead than breaking it off. He wanted to be firm. He wanted to be strong. But being strong, in that moment, wasn’t a choice available. He was tired. He didn’t want to be the cruel one. Not anymore. What was the point? He could run away, he could try to hide but his demons and fears would always be there with him. The love he had for Nick would always be a part of him, no matter how many times he tried to tell himself all the reasons why it was so wrong.

What was the point of keeping up with that losing fight?

Brian didn’t have energies anymore. He couldn’t keep fighting so many battles with no ally on his side to help him. And Nick was there, wasn’t he? It might have taken longer, he might have needed to go through rough times before realizing that he was the one that needed to step up and do something.

Time stood still. Nick’s grip on Brian’s arm tightened up, as if he could share his desperation. As if he could plead and beg without using his voice. Time stood still as Brian wondered, asked himself if he was strong enough to stand his ground once again or if that was one of those times when he should just step down and let someone else take the lead. It felt wrong. It felt right. Confusion and determination swirled around him, making him dizzy. And, instinctively, he held on Nick. He leaned on him, gathering a strength that only a loved one could bring with just one touch.

Time stood still until Brian opened his eyes and looked into Nick’s, pronouncing words that he hadn’t thought he was ready to say. 

“It’s not too late.”

Nick couldn’t believe his own ears. Nick couldn’t believe that those words were still flying around them and that they were there to be touched and held. He was almost scared about taking them, as if they could disappear the moment his fingers would just brush past them. He wanted to lean in. He wanted to lean and kiss those lips, taste if they were telling the truth.

“But you must prove it, Nick. You must fight, this time. I need…” Brian let those words slip away, it was something still too hard to say out loud.

“What do you need, Bri?”

Brian didn’t reply, looking down to hide the shame and the embarrassment for his weakness. Nick made Brian look at him, lifting his chin and still wondering why it was so difficult for him to admit those words. “I’ll fight for you. I’ll fight for us. But you need to fight too. You need to fight and let me inside. Especially now.”

It wasn’t an easy promise to keep. Let someone inside, let Nick inside, was probably something that was going to require more energies that Brian had in that moment. But it was a start, wasn’t it? It was a beginning, a first step into trying to make that relationship work.

“I’ll try.” Brian replied with a weak smile.

Nick smiled too, as if a weight had been finally pulled off from his shoulders. It wasn’t what he had expected from that night, although it was fair to say that he hadn’t expected nothing more than a chance to make himself be heard and listened to. It wasn’t a fairytale ending, where a kiss would have been enough to erase weeks and months of tears and hurting.

It was a start.