“No drinking and job-ing. Got it.” She replied. ”This place has a no glass rule.” Leighanne rolled her eyes. “But anyway, to infinite possibilities?” Leighanne asked as handed Becka and Coll each a cup before raising hers, looking at Coll.

“As always.” Coll smiled, “I guess we can share that with Becka.”

“It’s sacred. We can only toast to infinite possibilities with good people.”

Becka looked confused.

“She wouldn’t toast at all with Mandy.”

“Relieved i rank somewhere higher than Mandy.”

Leighanne laughed, “let’s do it.”

“Infinite possibilities!” Becka exclaimed.

“Such a good one.” Coll laughed as their cups all came together.

“So anticlimactic without the clink.” Leighanne pouted.

“I’m so excited to see this.” Becka smiled widely as she looked in the direction of the stage as the lights dimmed and the crowd roared up louder around them.

“So innocent.” Coll giggled as she placed her hand on Becka’s shoulder and directed her to a corner of the arena, “it starts up there.”

“Oh, whaaaatttt?!”

“Yup.” Coll nodded and took a sip of her champagne.

Watching Becka enjoy the show and having her there to dance alongside them against the backdrop of what essentially was the soundtrack of her summer left Coll feeling happy and energized. And as they left their seats before the encore, Becka grabbed her hand and squeezed it, “This is incredible, Colleen.” She smiled. While she wasn’t sure what she meant by it exactly, Coll knew it was true. Even if Becka only meant the show, everything that was happening was incredible.

“Really glad you enjoyed the show, Becka.” Nick said for about the fourth time that night as Becka continued to recall and mention things she loved between the lounge and the hotel hallway.

“Watch out Becka might be your new biggest fan.” Coll laughed.

“Also, I need to learn to dance like that.” Becka stated blankly.

“You do?” Coll asked.

“Yes. I think so.”

“We can teach you.” Howie said.

“No you can’t. She has two left feet.”

“Yeah, unfortunately, that’s true.” Becka admitted.

“Well it could be entertaining for the rest of us if she wants to try.” Nick added.

“Sleep on it, Beck.” Coll giggled. “You might feel differently in the morning.”

“It’s an open offer.” Howie said.

“I appreciate it.”

“Goodnight guys.” Howie waved as he proceeded down the hall.
“Goodnight.”

“Here give me the key.” Becka said turning to Coll and holding her hand out. “Let you two say goodnight…”

Coll smiled at her and took the room key from her pocket and handed it to Becka as Nick leaned against the wall outside their door.

“Night, Beck.” Nick said.

“Goodnight, Carter. See you in the morning,” She said, “See you in a few.” She said looking at Coll.

Coll nodded as Becka proceeded into the room and the door closed behind her, leaving it the all but entirely shut so Coll could get back in.

“I’m sad I have to say goodnight to you, too.” Nick said.

“Same. But, you’ll probably sleep better.”

He laughed, “I like staying up with you more than I like sleeping.”

She smiled at him and moved in closer. “Could be useful even if it’s less fun.”

“We’ll see.” He said as he pulled her in close, kissing her. “You’ll get some Becka time so it’s worth the trade off.”

“I’ll see you in the morning.” She said before he kissed her again.

“Goodnight.” He said.

“Goodnight, Snickers.” She smiled as she backed away from him.

He opened his mouth so say something else but nothing came out. She looked at him once more before pushing the suite door open and smiled softly as he began to walk away.

I love you.

Coll closed the door behind her and kicked her shoes off near the door.

“Okay, so, I am exhausted but I have several hundred questions I need to ask you.” Becka called out from the bathroom where she was washing her face as Coll reentered the suite.

“What?” Coll asked, smiling and hanging on the door jam of the bathroom, watching Becka.

“First,” She said, her eyes closed, bringing a washcloth to her face. “It said nothing in my Backstreet Boy book about how underutilized Howie is.”

Coll looked at her curiously through the mirror, “What? Why would it say a thing like that?”

“It also didn’t explain how Nick snagged that solo on the CD.” Becka continued without answering.

“What solo?” Coll asked as Becka finished with her face and moved across the bathroom and past Coll through the doorway. Coll followed her back into the suite.

“All yours tonight… or whatever it’s called. To be honest I have only had the CD in my car for like, a week, so I’m not as looped in as I’d like to be. From now on can he send us a few back up copies? Dad broke my first one i had to go buy it again.” Becka explained as she pulled her suitcase out of the closet and opened in on the floor. “I’m also wondering like, do they get to pick the clothes for the show...? Do they approve them at least? Who came up with the concept?”

“Becka, I don’t know.” Coll sighed, overwhelmed with the inquiries and suddenly feeling really sad she wasn’t about to snuggle up next to Nick in his bed, and simultaneously really guilty about it. She pulled her rubber ducky pajamas out and retreated to the bathroom while Becka continued to ask questions.

“Also, you really did not prepare me for how pretty everyone is. Leighanne is gorgeous. Brian is gorgeous. Angela is gorgeous…”

“Sorry Becka,” Coll giggled. “It was not the most pressing issue.”

“I just really was not prepared for all of this.”

“Imagine how I feel.” Coll yelled back.

Becka smiled to herself and shrugged a little considering it.

“Alright, alright,” Becka replied as she turned the bed covers down and slid in effortlessly. “Oh my god this bed is so comfortable.”

Coll changed, brushed her teeth and washed her face before returning to the bed and joining Becka.

“I’m a little sad that I’m not your top favorite blonde at the moment.” Becka pouted as Coll curled up next to her.

“Oh please.” Coll rolled her eyes.

Becka smiled at her but was quiet for a few minutes thinking about what she had seen so far.

She had been looking for it, of course, but it wasn’t hard to see that the way Nick behaved around her - the way he looked at her - meant something.

She had noticed Coll sneak away from dinner to meet Nick and the happiness on her face when she returned to the table was evident.

The way Nick’s face brightened when he saw her as he arrived at the venue that night.

The way he looked back at her and smiled on his way to soundcheck.

When he made his way to her immediately after coming off the stage…

He wanted her there and he loved that she was. It was all obvious.

“I don’t really blame you.” Becka began again, turning toward Coll in the bed.

“Huh?”

“If someone looked at me the way he looks at you, they’d be my favorite, too.” Becka said quietly.

Coll smiled, “Someday, Becka.”

Becka inhaled deeply, “Goodnight, Little.”

“Night, Beck.”

Becka drifted off to sleep easily but Coll was restless, still energized from the show, still sad she wasn’t with Nick. She laid awake for an hour before she decided she had to get up.

She wandered down the the hotel lobby lounge where she sat with a magazine for about twenty minutes before she got restless with that too. Admitting defeat, she began to make her way back upstairs. She considered knocking on Nick’s door but decided she could spare him a single night - at least one of them should get some decent sleep.

As she entered the elevator atrium, she saw A.J. giving a woman a hug and a kiss goodbye. She turned her face quickly, pretending like she hadn’t seen him - like she didn’t know him, but he saw her. The woman retreated, passing closely by Coll as she did so.

Coll looked up once she was gone.

“You’re up.” He said.

“So are you.”

“What’s your reason?”

“Just restless … couldn’t sleep.” She explained quietly. She was about to ask him why he was awake but the answer had already been made pretty clear.

“Where are you off to? Or… where did you come from?” He asked, pulling a baseball hat further down his head, shielding his eyes a bit more.

“I was reading a magazine in the lobby.” She replied, “Are you okay?” Coll asked, narrowing her eyes at him.

He shrugged, “I’ll be fine”

“Okay.” She said. The two of them stood there motionless and silent for what felt like a long time.

“Well, I guess-”

“I just keep doing stupid shit that I know is stupid shit, but I can’t seem to help myself.” He said, interrupting her as she reached for the elevator call button.

She looked around scoping the scene.

“Wanna talk?” She asked.

He looked at her thoughtfully, trying to decide. “I’m not sure you’d understand it.”

“Just try me.” She encouraged. “You don’t know what I have to work with.”

He sighed heavily, adjusting the hat again. “I feel like all I do is spin my wheels. Nothing ever changes my situation.”

“Your situation?” She asked.

“Just feel anxious and … not as happy as I should be.”

“I’m … really sorry you feel that way. I know that sucks.”

“You do?”

She nodded and crossed her arms over her chest. “I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

“I’m not sure.”

“Ok.”

“Everyone always says talking about shit makes it better. Talking about it sometimes makes it worse.”

“You’re right. I think what people really should be saying is that talking about it helps you figure out what you are feeling… to process it, figure out what to do… it helps you feel less alone. Doesn’t really solve anything inherently, just makes a resolution easier to achieve or… helps you see the picture a little clearer.”

“Isn’t that sort of terrifying? To see it clearer?”

“Sometimes, sure. Admitting it out loud and then continuing to hear yourself say things you only previously felt makes it real. But then you know what you’re up against. A lot easier to tackle something you can see… easier than swinging around in the dark.”

He was quiet, thinking through what she had said. “You just don’t strike me as someone with problems.”

Coll smirked, “I wouldn’t would I?”

“What?”

“Everyone has something. Most people hide it pretty well. Some of us aren’t hiding it- it’s just so blended in it isn’t really obvious anymore.”

He didn’t know what she was talking about but it made him feel a little more willing to talk.

“I feel like there are only bursts of happiness but nothing lasts.”

She put her hands on her hips and stood up a little straighter.

“Nothing?”

He shrugged, “the shows…”

She smiled, “You love your job.”

“Well, that part.” He took a deep breath before going on, “I’m happy at the shows. At least I’ve got that.”

“And that energy stays with you?”

“I guess it does, yeah. At least for a while. But like, that’s it. I need something that will last, something I just have all the time. Something I can rely on… I guess. I don’t know.” He explained, “And I keep doing stupid bullshit…”

“Like what?”

He gave her a look but said nothing.

“Like….” She held her hand out to the side, “Her?”

“Have you ever heard the phrase sex, drugs, and rock and roll?”

She tilted her head at him, “Okay.”

“Not something you’re too familiar with, huh?”

“Not as they relate to each other but, separately, I know some.”

“With one notable exception.”

“Alright, but I know enough to know…” She bit her lip, “Everyone wants to feel and be happy. And in the process of trying to find that, we all do things that give us, like you said, bursts. But eventually those bursts aren’t enough any more, or they create more problems than they solve because of the things we are doing to feel them. Like, the shows… it’s awesome that you have that. But…”

“But?”

“The other things… aren’t positive experiences for you in the same way. That’s why they are bursts… sleeping around, doing all these things… just bursts. They don’t last because they aren’t meaningful to you. You’re right, I don’t have the experience you have - but I can tell you that there is no real joy in carrying on with things that don’t mean anything to you, even if they feel good in the moment. It doesn’t matter what they are. It’s actually possible that doing those things is keeping you from whatever it is that will really actually fill that void.”

He sighed heavily and dug his hands deeper into his pockets, walking in a small circle, tilting his head back. They were both quiet for a few minutes. She cracked her knuckles as she watched him.

“You are a lot deeper than you let on. So maybe we do have more in common than I originally thought. But the main difference between you and me…” he began, “I’m still looking for my thing and that’s why I don’t have it. You’re just too afraid to have yours.” His words sank into her and felt heavy.

“What?”

“Nick.”

“What about him?”
She asked nervously.

“There’s nothing for you to be scared of. But that’s not the case for me.” he said, “Just admit it.”

“Admit what? You know what we are doing…” She blushed.

“You’re in love with him. It’s bigger than just hooking up. I don’t even know the details, but I know it’s bigger than hooking up.”

She sighed. “Okay, fine. yeah. I’m in love with him. I haven’t even told him that though.”

“Exactly.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, “You think I’m afraid to tell him that?”

“Well, what other reason could you have for not telling him?”

“I thought we were talking about you, not me.”

“The point is, he’s your thing right? He’s your meaningful thing… the reason you feel secure and happy. All you have to do is say it. I’ve still got to find it.”

She hung her head, “Okay, so, yes. Nick makes me feel… amazing.” Her pulse quickened as she thought back to the night before, her fingers intertwined with Nick’s, his lips on her skin. She shivered. “And I love that. And I think I make him feel good, too, which i also love. And that is … meaningful. I do want to hold on to that. But I’m not… afraid. I’m just… waiting.”

“But why?”

She felt dizzy, maybe she was afraid but she was telling herself she was being cautious.

“You don’t have anything to be afraid of.”

“Neither do you. You don’t have to find everything that’s meant for you. Some of it will just… show up.”

“I’m not good at being patient.”

“I think you are selling yourself short a lot here.”

“Same to you.”

“How so?”

“You THINK you make him feel good…?”

She felt like crying but maintained her composure. “You have to admit this is sort of an intimidating situation I'm in…”

“Colleen,” He looked at her, “The other day he said something about wanting to live a life of purpose, not just live the consequences of things he’s done…”

“He did?”

“You think you have nothing to do with that?”

She had no idea.

“Let yourself see it.” It was exactly what she had said to Nick.

“Okay to be fair though, I didn’t know that happened.”

“I know he’s a bozo, but… not about you. Not about the life that has you in it.”

It means something.

“Well, someday you’ll be not a bozo about someone, too.”

He shrugged, “He does give me a little bit of hope, I have to say.”

She smiled softly at him, “That’s good.”

They were both quiet again, each of them lost in their own thoughts for a moment.

“I’m surprised you didn’t go find Nick… when you couldn’t sleep.” He said randomly, breaking the silence between them

She tilted her head at him with a smile, “I figured one of us should sleep tonight at least.”

A.J. nodded.

“Still surprising?”

“Yeah.” He laughed.

“I thought about it.” She admitted, tucking some hair behind her ear.

“I guess i’m glad you didn’t.”

She pursed her lips. “I know this just… happened.” she motioned widely with her hands, “But if you ever want to talk, you can just let me know. I know you think - or at least, you thought - I wouldn’t relate, but in some small but significant way I think I did. Plus, i have years of experience talking people out of their storms.” She said quietly.

“You do?”

She nodded. “I’m no expert, but, i’ve learned a lot.”

He looked at her curiously as she reached again for the elevator button.

“I think i’m ready for bed now.” She said.

It was not even six o’clock the next morning when someone knocked on Coll’s door. Becka looked at her in the mirror as they were both getting ready in the bathroom. They had a few hours of bus travel ahead of them that day and Coll had just finished giving Becka the run-down on what to expect.

“Would you believe this is actually very normal? First week I was here someone was at my door, I swear like, every hour.” Coll said as she went to see who was knocking.

She smiled when she opened the door to see Nick standing there.

He felt the familiar feeling of relief upon seeing her there, similar, he knew, to that first night in Germany but different now. Now, he felt like he could rely on it. He could rely on her. She should know.

“Good morning.” She said sweetly, barely finishing before he was kissing her.

“Hi.” he whispered as he paused from kissing her briefly.

“How was your night?” She asked him.

“Lonely.” He said quickly before kissing her again, savoring the opportunity to do so, unsure what the rest of the day might bring that would keep him from having more chances.

“Did you sleep well at least?”

“Not really enough to make it worth it.”

“Actually, I didn’t either.” She explained, thinking back to several hours earlier, climbing back into bed with Becka around 2:40 after saying goodnight to A.J. “Very restless.”

“So we may as well stick to what’s fun I guess.” He said smirking at her. “Anyway, Howie’s bus is busted, he’s gunna ride with me. You two wanna come?”

“Obviously.” She said, feeling excited about the prospect of spending that time with him. “What’s wrong with his bus?”

“Something with the AC.”

“Ahh, problematic.”

“Good morning, Carter,” Becka said as she emerged from behind Coll.

“Hey Beck.” he waved.

“She’s been prepped for her first day of touring,” Coll explained.

“I need coffee asap though,” Becka added. “Breakfast?”

“Let’s roll.” Nick smiled.