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After New York the guys had to go to LA to attend the Grammy Awards and Brian started to notice Nick was acting strange around him. The whole time it was as if the past months had not happened, and it was like how things were before Nick had confessed that he was gay. Even more curious, Leighanne didn’t seem to be excited that he was in town for the night when he called her from their hotel. So much of the awards show, Brian was lost in thought. He was distracted and Kevin noticed. Kevin also noticed that Nick kept to himself. So on the flight to Italy that night, Kevin made a point to talk to Brian on the plane ride over since they had a long trip ahead of them. 


“So, how are you doing?” 


Brian looked up from reading his book and eyed his cousin strangely. They were drowned out by Howie snoring loudly in the seat behind them. 


“Not much for being subtle, are you?” 


“Well? Are you going to answer my question or not?” 


“Things could be better, I suppose. Why do you ask?” 


“You’ve been reading the same two pages for the last hour. So what’s on your mind?” Kevin chuckled. 


Brian stared hard at his book and didn’t answer.


Well gee, Kevin. What’s on my mind. Let’s see. I am lying to my girlfriend about my feelings for her, lying to Nick about my feelings for him. Lying to myself about what I want, lying to management and my family. I’m literally drowning and I’m afraid that I’m in over my head. But golly gosh life is peachy frikking keen right now. How about you?


“That’s a loaded question. I guess the lawsuit, for one. My heart surgery, Leighanne didn’t want to see me in LA when I called her place.” 


“Ah, that would do it. All of that considered, why wouldn’t your girlfriend want to see you?” Kevin asked, raising an eyebrow. Brian frowned, closing his book and setting it on the tray in front of him. 


“I don’t know. We had a nice time for my birthday and then she had to go back home. I just figured we could grab dinner or something while i was in town for the day. She wouldn’t even answer the phone. Did I do something wrong?” 


“Do you really want me to answer that question, cuz?” 


Brian rolled his eyes. 


“Brian, you have been lying to her for months. You’ve been lying to Nick too. You’ve been lying to a lot of people. Eventually that is going to catch up to you.” 


Brian excused himself to go to the bathroom and avoided him for the rest of the flight, because he knew Kevin was right. 



When the boys got to the airport, Kevin made a point to get talking to Nick while they waited for their luggage in Italy. He hadn’t had a chance during their flight because Nick was so into his game boy or was sleeping. 


“Hey, kiddo.” 


Nick looked up and took his headphones down because he had been listening to his Walkman. 


“What’s up?” 


The conveyor belt started moving signaling that their bags were coming off the plane. Nick started looking for his bag as suitcases tumbled down the chute. Brian was standing with Howie on the other side. 


“Just wanted to ask how you are doing, is everything okay? You seem quiet.” Kevin said. 


Nick looked at him cause he had seen Kevin talk to Brian on the plane and even though he couldn’t hear what they were saying, he was a little suspicious. Did Brian notice that he was starting to pull away? 


“Everything is fine. Just haven’t felt like talking, that’s all.” Nick said as he rewound the tape in his Walkman so he could listen to the last song again. 


“How are things with you and Brian?” Kevin whispered, making sure nobody within ear shot could hear their conversation. He knew that Nick didn’t feel comfortable with people knowing his secret yet, and respected his wishes. It was up to Nick to tell everyone when he was ready to. 


“That’s a loaded question, Kev.” Nick chuckled as he spotted his bag coming down the conveyor belt. He reached out and grabbed the large green duffel bag, swinging it over his shoulder. They continued to wait for Kevin’s suitcase. 






“I kind of told Leighanne about me and Brian.” Nick half whispered, shifting uncomfortably as he looked to see if Brian was looking at him. He wasn’t. 


Kevin raised an eyebrow as he spotted his suitcase, and the two of them waited for the others to get their bags. 


“Did you? So what happened? Is that why the two of you have been avoiding each other?” 


Nick sighed and fixed the strap on his backpack. 


“That’s the problem. Brian doesn’t know I told her anything. At least, I don’t think he does. It’s better if I just keep things professional between us anyway. What about our career? We are just finally getting big back home. I don’t wanna fuck it up because I’m selfish.” 


The two of them started walking around to the other side of the baggage carousel where Brian was just picking up his bag and Johnny walked over with AJ. As usual, one of AJ’s bags had gotten lost. It wouldn’t be a trip to Europe unless one of their bags disappeared, Kevin laughed to himself. 


“You’re not selfish, Nick. You really like him and he likes you. I think Brian just doesn’t know what he wants yet. He needs some time.” 


“I know that, but he won’t allow himself to feel anything. That’s not fair to me or Leighanne. My feelings don’t matter right now, but he is in love with her. You heard him the other day in the hotel lobby back in New York. Brian is in love with Leighanne. He owes it to her to tell her the truth. So I might have helped the truth along a little big and fucked myself over, but I just want him to be happy. I don’t care if that means that I am miserable. I just want him to be honest with himself.” Nick sighed. 


“So how did she react to what you told her?” 


Nick winced as he thought of her threat, the threat that she would tell everyone he and Brian were gay and having a affair. That she would ruin everything they’d worked so hard for. She’d destroy them. 


“She didn’t really say anything but I just think it’s a good idea if I back off. I already told them not to have me room with Brian at this hotel for this show. If I’m not in the same room with him he won’t be tempted. I’m staying with AJ.” 


Nick and Kevin went to join the others and Kevin made a point to sit next to Nick in the van so they could continue talking in hushed voices.


“I think you are making a big mistake with this. Denying yourself what your heart wants can lead to nothing but a broken heart.” Kevin whispered. 


“Can’t break my heart if I’m the one doing it.” Nick reasoned. The rest of the ride to the hotel was quiet. At check in, Brian even looked confused that he and Nick were not rooming together. 


“Wait, I’m rooming with Howie?” Brian asked, staring at the room key. 


“Nick asked to be with AJ.” Johnny explained with a shrug, handing everyone their room keys and going to his own room. Nick brushed past them and headed to the elevator but before he could close the button to go upstairs, Brian stuck his hand in the door to keep it open and stepped on. Nick didn’t look happy about it. The two of them were silent for a few moments until Brian spoke up. 


“Are you avoiding me?” 


Nick looked at him and shrugged. “What would give you that idea?” 


“Well you haven’t talked to me since New York. What did I do, are you upset at me because I can’t fix things if you don’t tell me what is wrong.” Brian said, crossing his arms. 


“I just think maybe it’s in our best interests to not continue this little game you are playing with me.” Nick said. He looked at his feet and tried to keep himself from getting upset as the elevator slowly dinged closer to their floor. 


“I’m not playing a game, Nick. I thought you knew that. We went over this the other night when you said I could come back to the room. Don’t you remember that? What changed?”


The elevator door opened but neither of them got out.


“I just think we should cool it right now.” Nick shrugged, still not making eye contact. Did Brian hear sadness in his voice? Why was he acting so peculiar?


“Well, okay….if you are sure. I mean, if that’s what you really want.” 


“It is.” 


“Okay then.” 


“Fine.” 


“Fine.” 


“You didn’t get out.” Brian said when the door closed on them. 


“Well, I was letting you go first.” Nick retorted, stuffing his hands in his pockets while his ears turned slightly red. He wanted to kiss Brian, tell him he didn’t mean it and fuck whatever Leighanne said. 


“So go then.” 


Nick sighed in exasperation and jammed his hand on the button to open the elevator door, before stomping down the hallway as Brian laughed at him. The laughter only stopped when he heard the slamming of the door to the hotel room, and Brian was left with quiet. 



Nick closed the door to the room where he was going to be staying with AJ, who was already there. He’d already claimed the bed by the window so Nick took the empty bed.


“What’s up, roomie?” AJ said brightly, hugging Nick around the shoulder with one arm and shaking him gently. Nick looked at AJ and immediately started to cry, leaving AJ stunned. 


“Are you okay, you look like your dog just died.” 


“I’m fine. I’m fine. Really. Sorry, AJ. I’m just stressed out, I guess. No biggie..” Nick lied, wiping his eyes. 


“Don’t worry if you’re not, you and I will have some fun tonight after the show and I will make you forget all about whatever is bothering you. I’m here for you, bro. We’ll get you and me a couple of beers and have a good time.” AJ promised, hugging him again. Nick cracked half a smile, but he knew that he wasn’t going to be happy again just from a night of drinking. He knew that pushing Brian away wasn’t going to be good for him either, but he had to do it to protect them both. 


“Sure, AJ. Let’s do it. You and me.” 


“Okay, great. We can go get our supplies before we head to rehearsals tonight for the show.” 


Nick wiped his eyes again and smiled at AJ, watching him go into the bathroom and close the door. Everything was going to be okay, he just had to keep pretending. Yes. Keep pretending just like Brian was doing. If it worked for him, surely it would work for Nick too. He just kept telling himself he was fine. 


He was fine. 


He was going to be fine.


Hopefully they both would.