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Nick had tried to prepare himself. Knew that going public had the possibility to blow up in their faces. He knew all of this. But it didn’t stop the crushing blows he felt when it was finally time to face the music. So many hurtful comments, so much hate. He scrolled through article after article, posts from fans, texts from people he had grown up with, people who were supposed to be his friends. And there, someone had gotten to Lauren and she had issued a statement.



“I knew he was a faggot from the first time we slept together, but I thought after we had our son he would change. But it looks like the joke’s on me. Or possibly him. I don’t see how Kevin could stay with someone who cheats on his wife and can’t take care of himself. When I kicked him out he was severely overweight. It’s a matter of time before Kevin leaves him too.”



Nick had felt the air leave him as he read the words over and over again in his mind. He’d memorized the words, memorized the hate and anger. He could recite it on demand, could tell you how it felt as the words penetrated his mind and took root. Isn’t this exactly what had been nagging him in the back of his mind since the moment Kevin’s lips had first met his. Waiting for the other man to realize that Nick was nothing, worthless. A fat, ugly waste of a man that would only bring Kevin down? Would only contaminate his life, his family. Nick was like a cancer, destroying everything he touched. How could he stay here. How could he possibly face the other man. See his eyes read those words, see him agree. He couldn’t take it.



He had caved and peaked early. They had agreed to look at everything together, but the fear had been eating him up inside and he needed to see, needed to know what things were said before Kristin brought his kids home. So while Kevin was in the shower he had sneaked downstairs to grab his phone. Sitting on the stool in the kitchen, feeling like the entire world was raining down on him, he didn’t hear Kevin enter the room.



“You promised to wait for me.” he spoke softly, an edge in his voice.



Nick tensed but didn’t turn. He knew Kevin would be mad, hell if the situation was reversed he would have been furious. But he had been scared, and rightfully so it appeared. He remained focused on his phone as he answered. “Yeah, sorry.” he muttered, refusing to meet Kevin’s eyes. He knew he was being a jerk, but he was unable to stop the feelings coursing through him. As he felt Kevin’s presence draw closer he felt even more on edge.



“I just wish you would have waited. I don’t want you having to face it all alone.” Kevin said gently, placing a hand on Nick’s shoulder.



Nick flinched away from his touch and jumped from the bar stool. Kevin tried to hide the hurt in his eyes as he watched the blonde. Nick still refused to look at him, focused only on the phone in his hands. Kevin drew closer, lifting a hand he tried to gently take the phone from the other man. Nick yanked his hand back and glared at him. “What are you doing? I am trying to read something.”



Kevin was taken aback. Nick hadn’t spoken to him that way in a long time, especially not since all of this had begun. “I am trying to get you to calm down and talk to me.” Kevin said evenly.



“I don’t want to talk right now. I want to read this.” Nick said, gesturing towards his phone as he leveled his gaze at the other man.



Kevin studied him for a moment before throwing up his hands and walking away. He busied himself setting up the coffee pot while mentally trying to calm himself down so as to not snap at the younger man. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but Nick didn’t have to make it harder either. He couldn’t understand where the anger was coming from, especially after sharing such a wonderful evening together the night before. Had people really reacted that badly to their announcement? And if so, why did it appear to affect Nick so much? Was Nick regretting coming forward? Was he regretting being with him? The fear was creeping into his chest and he was suddenly scared to turn around and face the other man.



Pushing the ridiculous notions away he turned to study his lover. Nick’s face was scrunched up in concentration, anger radiating from his shoulders. Kevin wanted nothing more than to go to him and take him into his arms and make all the pain and fear go away. Somehow he knew he wouldn’t be welcome at the moment. He watched him quietly, waiting for the coffee to brew. He made no attempt at reaching for his own phone. Right now it didn’t matter to him at all what people were saying, it only mattered what Nick was feeling.



“You ready to talk about it?” Kevin asked as he pulled two coffee mugs out of the cabinet and began pouring a cup for each of them. He put the cup for Nick across the island closer to his reach but made no move to go closer to the blonde.



Nick didn’t answer, still focused on whatever it was he was reading. Kevin watched the flash of pain cross his lover’s eyes and wished again there was something he could do. They stood in silence for several moments. Once Kevin was finished with his coffee he rinsed and dried his cup. Glancing at Nick again he took a deep breath and figured he would try one more time before leaving him alone to brood.



Walking closer he tried to reach for him. “Don’t. Just don’t.” Nick said angrily.



Kevin sighed. “What’s going on Nick. What is so bad I can’t even touch you? That we can’t have a conversation? Jesus, this is exactly why I didn’t want you to read any of this shit without me.” Kevin huffed out exasperated.



“What is going on, is exactly everything I was worried about.” the blonde bit out, still refusing to meet the other man’s eyes.



“What are you talking about. Talk to me baby.” Kevin said, reaching out to him again.



Nick pulled away and threw his hands in the air and yelled. “You really want to know KEV-in. You got saddled with the fat washed up, worthless popstar. Is that what you want to hear? It’s all here in black and white. Everyone is taking bets on how long until you leave my fat ass. Do you want in on the bet? Is that it? Most are saying you won’t last a month before you’re done with me. That’s what’s going on. No one thinks I’m good enough for you. No one thinks I’m good enough for anyone. I’m just a faggot who fucked over my wife and can’t do anything right.”



Kevin flinched and watched the tirade. He could believe people were saying garbage, but what he couldn’t believe was Nick was buying into any of it. Hadn’t Kevin just spent the last several weeks, hell all night trying to show the younger man just how amazing, desirable and wonderful he was? And all it took was some ill timed articles to send him spiraling like this?

“What the fuck Nick. How can you even give those words another thought. I’ve told you a million times I’m not going anywhere. I think you’re perfect. I love you.” Kevin tried to go to him but Nick danced away from him.



“Stop lying to me.” the blonde yelled. “I’m not good enough for you. I’ll never be good enough.” he spat out. HIs eyes were wild and he glanced around the room, searching for an escape.



“Nick,” Kevin started trying to get through to him.



“I can’t do this.” Nick said softly before turning and darting out the patio door.



Kevin watched him go, unsure of how to react. What the fuck had just happened? The doorbell rang, alerting him that Kristin was back. There was no time to go after him, the kids were home and they needed him. But Nick needed him too, at least he thought, hoped, he did. What the hell was he supposed to do now? What had Nick meant he couldn’t do this? Fear raced through every part of Kevin. The doorbell rang again, this time louder. He had to get the kids, had to be an adult, but how was he supposed to do that when he felt like his heart had just run out the back door?
-
After setting Odin and Saoirse upstairs in Odin’s room Kevin threw himself into the rocking chair. He watched the kids play quietly as he sat and tried to figure out what to do. Kristin had barely stayed for five minutes, she was exhausted after caring for four kids by herself all night. Kevin thanked her profusely, pushing his panic down as he explained Nick was busy and would thank her himself as soon as he saw her again. He was on autopilot with the kids, kissing his two goodbye before bringing Nick’s upstairs. Odin asked several times for his daddy but Kevin kept telling him daddy would be back in just a little while. Would Nick be back in a little while?

Realistically, Kevin knew Nick had to be somewhere on the property, but there were acres on acres of land here. Nick had been gone for more than two hours and every minute that ticked by, the fear Kevin was trying to keep at bay threatened to overtake him. What if Nick really did regret this? What if he wasn’t ready to move forward with their plans, their relationship? The thought was so terrifying that Kevin tried desperately to push it away.

Saoirse could sense something was bothering him and kept bringing him dinosaur after dinosaur to place in his lap. She would then laugh as soon as she placed the next one down on him. He tried desperately to be in the moment with her, but his thoughts kept drifting to her father.
-
Nick kicked the side of the horse stable. He was ashamed, embarrassed and scared. He hadn’t meant to freak out and leave. He really hadn’t meant to be such a fucking jerk but the words kept echoing in his head and when he opened his mouth such hateful things spilled out. He couldn’t get the hurt look on Kevin’s face out of his head. He never wanted to hurt the other man, couldn’t believe he had acted that way. No wonder everyone said Kevin would wise up and leave him. He wasn’t anything worth keeping around.



He felt guilty knowing that his kids had to be back by now and here he was having a mental breakdown in the middle of the woods. He knew they were safe and cared for with Kevin, didn’t even really cross his mind to worry about them when they would be with the other man. Kevin always took care of everything. So why couldn’t Nick let him care for him now?



Nick had never been to the stables before. They were nestled pretty deep on the property with a separate gate entrance so Kevin could have a ranch hand come in and take care of them without ever bothering the main house. Nick wandered into the barn structure and admired the large animals. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d been this close to a horse. Growing up in Florida didn’t lend itself to lots of horse ranches and Nick was pretty sure the only time he’d ever come close to seeing one in person had been right after he’d joined the group and Kevin had brought all of them to his mother’s ranch for a weekend of relaxing before they left for Europe the first time.

Nick smiled at the memory. All of his best memories featured Kevin in one way or another. That’s what hurt the most. He couldn’t lose him, the other man was the biggest part of his life, had been for so long, what would he do if Kevin decided he wasn’t worth it all, that they weren’t worth it.



They had barely been together a month and now Nick couldn’t get the idea of Kevin leaving out of his head. All he could hear, see, think were all the horrible things he’d read. All the words saying he wasn’t worth it. When would Kevin figure that out as well.



The tears came, hard and fast. Spilling down his cheeks as he tried desperately to hold on. He collapsed on a hay bale and buried his face in his hands.
-
Kevin was tired of waiting. It had been four hours. Four torturous hours of not knowing where Nick was or what the hell was going on. There was no way he could handle waiting any longer. He dressed both kids in their sweatshirts and jackets and grabbed a flashlight. He told Odin they were going to play a game called find daddy. Odin was equipped with his own tiny flashlight and excited to start the game. Kevin carried Saoirse in his arms and the trio set out through the kitchen and the backyard patio in search of the other man. With the season beginning it’s shift toward winter, the Kentucky night was already very dark at only five o’clock. Grasping Odin’s tiny hand in one hand and Saoirse and the flash light in the other arm they made their way all around the areas of the backyard. Finding no trace of daddy they set off deeper in the woods. Kevin hadn’t taken the kids past the backyard yet and wasn’t thrilled to go traipsing all over the acreage on such a cool dark night. But at this point, he had no choice. Odin was still very excited about the game and Kevin was tired of waiting for the other man to appear and so they trudged on.



Another twenty minutes had passed and Kevin’s arms were getting sore holding the baby and now Odin was crying about his legs hurting. Kevin wanted to cry as well. Where the hell was Nick. They passed a clearing and as they rounded the corner Kevin could hear the whinny of the horses. Odin jumped, grabbing onto Kevin’s leg like a spider monkey.



“What’s that Kebin?” he said breathlessly.



Kevin chuckled. He’d forgotten Odin had never seen the horses. Hell had probably never even seen a real live horse. “That buddy, is a horse. Would you like to pet one?” Odin’s eyes filled with wonder in the flashlight beam. “Yes!” he said happily.

Kevin smiled and took his hand, leading him closer to the stables. He thought briefly how much the reaction reminded him of Nick’s first adventure with horses. As they got closer Kevin shifted the baby to his other arm so he could lead Odin into the stable safely. Once they reached the door he propped it open with his foot as he led Odin inside. Turning to fight for the light switch he heard Odin yell. “Daddy!”



Kevin turned quickly to see the other man sound asleep, propped up against a hay bale. He wasn’t asleep for much longer however as Odin launched himself on top of him. Nick startled awake and blinked a few times before taking in the scene in front of him and wrapping his arms around his son. “Hey buddy.” he whispered against Odin’s head as he hugged him close.



Blue eyes sought out green as Nick allowed himself to drink in the man in front of him, holding his daughter with a relieved look on his delicate features. “Sorry Kev,” he whispered softly in the dark barn.



Kevin nodded and sat Saoirse down on the barn floor so he could stretch his arms. He walked away from the trio to check to make sure the horses had what they needed for the night. Now that he'd found Nick, confirmed he was safe, he wasn't sure what the hell to say to him. On one hand he was so frustrated with him he wanted to scream, but knew that would get them nowhere. On the other hand, he was so relieved he was okay that all he could think about was wrapping his arms around the younger man and kissing him thoroughly.



"Kev," the blonde started.



"Not now. Not in front of the kids." Kevin said huskily, trying hard to control his temper.



Kevin turned and took Odin by the hand. "You can carry her back. I'll walk with Odin."



Nick nodded and picked his daughter up in his arms. Hugging her close and breathing in her precious baby scent. Taking a deep breath he turned and followed them back to the house.

Once they got back inside Kevin sat to work fixing peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. It was late and the kids needed to have something to eat before bed. Plus his own anxiety about the impending conversation with Nick was so overwhelming he wasn't sure he could be trusted to make anything more complex than peanut butter and bread. He put sandwiches, apple slices and yogurt on plates and helped Odin wash his hands. Nick got Saoirse set up in her high chair and handed her the plate.

Realizing the kids were under control, Kevin left the kitchen and headed upstairs. He needed to get away and clear his head. Heading to the bedroom he stripped off his clothes as he made his way to the bathroom. A hot shower would do wonders for his tired muscles. Climbing inside he turned up the taps as hot as they would possibly go. He was on edge and had no idea what he would even say to the other man when they were finally alone. What if Nick didn't even come to him? What if he stayed in one of the kid's rooms or went back to the guest room? How did everything go sideways since yesterday?



Kevin stayed under the spray until the water went cool and his fingers were pruny. Deciding he'd wasted enough time and water he shut off the taps and climbed out. He toweled off the excess water and tied the towel around his waist. He'd forgotten to bring a change of clothes into the bathroom so he opened the door and headed into the bedroom to get dressed. He stopped in the doorway when he saw Nick perched on the edge of the bed. Nick's eyes were in him immediately, but he remained silent.



Kevin walked further into the room and crossed to the dresser. Pulling out a pair of boxer briefs and pajama bottoms he quickly got dressed. Finally he ran out of things to do and had to turn around and face the other man.



"I'm sorry I ran." Nick started softly.



Kevin bit his tongue and looked away. He tried really hard not to get upset. "So why did you?"



Nick hesitated and leapt to his feet. He began pacing the floor but still didn't speak. "Are you going to talk to me or wear a hole in our carpet?" Kevin said after several moments.



Nick stopped immediately and turned to look at him. "Our carpet?"



Kevin looked at him strangely. "Yes, our carpet. If you keep walking in the same area over and over again you are going to wear out the pad and then we'll have to replace it."



"But you still want it to be our carpet." Nick said smiling softly.



"What the hell is going on? You're talking in riddles, you disappeared on me all day, you read the comments without me after you promised. What the hell is going on today? What has changed between last night and today. Are you regretting this? Regretting us?" Kevin finally asked, letting out a rush of breath at the end and staring the younger man down.



The air in the room shifted and all the color left Nick's face. "Are you?" he whispered the question, choking on the words.



Kevin looked at him hard, really looked at him for the first time since that morning. Nick looked worse for wear. His normal brilliant blue eyes were a dull Grey color and his cheeks and face were stained with tears and dirt from the barn. He looked like he was teetering on the edge of control and quickly losing that battle. It struck him then that Nick looked worse in this very moment than he had when he'd shown up here all those weeks ago.



"Of course not." came Kevin's soft reply.



"But they said…" Nick's words died on his lips as Kevin crossed the room and drew the younger man in his arms. Kevin kissed him then, hard and quick until Nick relaxed into his arms and began responding. Kevin eased his grip and the kiss slowed becoming gentle and loving instead of forceful and demanding.



Pulling back Kevin answered. “I’ve told you several times that I don’t care what anyone says. I’ve tried so hard baby to make you understand that it’s only you, it’s only ever been you that I want and need. What do I need to do to make you believe me?” Kevin pulled away and ran his fingers through his long hair.



Nick watched him, still breathless from the kisses and tried desperately to put his feelings into words. “Kev,” he started before his voice cracked and he had to look away from the intense stare of those beautiful jade green eyes. “You could have anyone, why me? You’re going to wake up one morning and realize that you’ve wasted all this time, all your energy, your whole life on this fat, worthless person and then you’re going to leave me and it will destroy me Kevin. I won’t be able to come back from that.” Nick sank to the floor, defeated with tears streaming down his cheeks.



Kevin watched it happening, but was unable to move to stop it. Is that really what he thought of him? Did he really think so little of the words, the emotions, the touches they had shared so far in their brief relationship. He didn’t understand. How could Nick ever, ever think any of these things. Kevin had always known the other man had insecurities, but this was a whole new level that he had never seen exhibited. Worthless? How could the younger man ever utter those words about himself? Didn’t he understand that to Kevin he hung the stars and the moon? Everything began and ended with Nick. In 25 years, there had never been another person for him and he knew in his heart, there would never be anyone else.



Kevin knelt on the floor beside the younger man, leaning back on his heels as he studied them. “I love you. I’ve always loved you and I will always love you. No one, not a single person on this planet will ever convince me that loving you is not my destiny, not even you. I just wish there was some way I could get you to believe me.” Kevin said dejectedly. He still didn’t touch the other man, opting instead to remain close, but give Nick the space to make the first move.



The younger man sat cross legged on the floor, tears still streaming down his ample cheeks. “I..I love you too.” he choked out. “So much.” he launched himself at the older man sending both of them crashing backwards on the floor. Kevin’s arms were around him in an instant and they laid like that for several long moments. Once the crying subsided Nick snuggled closer into Kevin’s arms and took several deep breaths to calm himself. Kevin took this moment of calm to roll them over so they were both lying on their sides. He didn’t lessen his grip and they remained locked together. He brushed the golden tufts of silky smooth hair off of Nick’s flushed forehead and dropped a small kiss on the tip of his nose. Nick smiled softly as he tried to wipe the remaining tears from his face.



“Nicky...”



“Kev…”



They both started at the same time and then laughed. “You go first,” Kevin insisted.



Nick took a deep breath and then began. “I’ve spent my whole life on the edge of getting exactly what I want and then in some way it gets twisted and I lose everything. It happens all the time. The Backstreet Boys are doing fantastic and then we all need a break and I am completely alone. Then I get to release a solo cd and in turn everyone I know and love turns on me. We come back together only for you to leave us. It goes on and on like this. The last being finally having the kids and family I always wanted and then having a wife that has to get wasted every night to even be in the same house with me. It hurts Kevin. It makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with me, what is so bad about me as a person that these things always happen, how can anyone love me? And then reading what she said, she said you were going to leave me. She said it was a matter of time. And it brought it all back, every insecurity, every doubt I’ve ever felt and why wouldn’t it? What makes this any different than anything else I’ve ever wanted? It’s only a matter of time.” His eyes filled with tears again and he dropped his gaze to the floor, now unable to look into those green eyes he loved so much as he uttered the words that had plagued him all day, plagued him for so many years if he was being honest.



Kevin thought about what to say for a moment. He had figured something like this was coming. It was complete bullshit and he couldn’t believe Nick was able to let her continue to play games with his mind, but he also knew that Nick didn’t have any real examples of love working out. Hell even Kevin’s own marriage came crumbling down right around him. Kevin reached out and took both Nick’s hands in his own. Rubbing the backs of his hands gently with his thumbs he tried to coax the other man to meet his gaze.

“Nicky,” he said softly, almost a whisper. The blonde raised his head only a few inches and gazed up at him through thick blonde lashes. “I’m only going to say this one more time, so I want to make sure you are listening.” Kevin waited until the younger man nodded his head in acceptance.



“I will never, ever, stop loving you. I will never walk away from you or these kids. I meant what I said, in all the times I’ve said this is forever for me. You are forever for me. I don’t care if you never work again. I don’t care if you weigh 800 pounds and I have to roll you from room to room. I love you for your heart. I love you for your mind. I love you for your spirit. I just love you Nick. I’ve loved you in some capacity since you were 12 years old and I will not stop because of some damn news article or some bitchy ex-wife. You are it for me. This family is it for me. But you have to make a choice. I can’t live out each day terrified you’re going to run out the door every time this gets hard or someone else has spouted off at the mouth about us. As much as I want and love you, my own heart can’t take it. I need you to decide, right here, once and for all if this is what you want. If I am what you want. If so then I will spend every single day trying my best to show you how loved, how cherished you are. I will spend the rest of my life showing you how much you mean to me baby.” Kevin’s voice broke and he waited, unmoving for Nick to make his choice.



Nick smiled through his tears. Everything he’d ever wanted was sitting in front of him asking him to give him a chance, give them a chance. How could he possibly do anything less. “Yes,” he said quietly. “Yes, it’s you. It’s us. All I’ve ever wanted is you, Kev. Please just love me.” he managed to speak out before he collapsed in Kevin’s awaiting arms, a fresh round of tears pouring down his cheeks.



Kevin pulled him in close and held him. They sat like that on the floor, wrapped together. Kevin rocking them gently back and forth as he held the man he’d loved for most of his life in his arms. He could feel Nick’s defenses crumbling, could feel the moment Nick let go of all of the fear and anguish of the day. For the first time, Kevin believed Nick was beginning to understand the depth of his feelings.